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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FiL asked me to check his will

462 replies

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:17

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

OP posts:
LePetitChat · 02/10/2023 19:32

This came up in my emails and I misread the title as ‘fil asked me to check his Willy’.

I think this situation was actually more uncomfortable.

I think it’s very odd, I can’t help but suspect it’s some sort of weird ‘test’ by leaving nothing to DH and ask you to read it, but realistically what are you supposed to do? I’d leave it be because if this is true then it’s sad but it is the prerogative of your fil to leave what to whomever, however unfair.

Cosyblankets · 02/10/2023 19:33

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/10/2023 17:15

X is the OP's BIL.

The OP was speaking to her FIL and MIL. His wife refers to her MIL.

Show quote history

Oh so both parents leaving everything to the brother.
I'm usually all for your money your choice but this is an odd thing to do to get you to check it

Bugbabe1970 · 02/10/2023 19:38

Totaly · 01/10/2023 22:23

If he intentionally leaves your DH out of the will he can contest it.

If he puts in a minimal sum, he can’t.

Is FIL still with MIL?

He can but it doesn’t mean it will change anything!

PerspicaciaTick · 02/10/2023 19:47

It's probably a bit late now, but he asked you to check that the will reflected his intentions. It would have been perfectly reasonable to ask him "is your intention to cut DH out of your will?"

Gowebbsgo · 02/10/2023 19:54

I'm sorry about your situation OP. I don't know if you've ever heard of coercive control but this difference you speak of - the way that you DH speaks to his parents and then with you doesn't give an inch, that you feel suppressed and isolated away from your family, that he is earmarking money that will be given to you in a will without it seems any discussion, making you feel you can't speak out for fear of divorce...all this sounds like a controlling relationship. I wonder whether there is an element of this in DH's parents relationship too? You spoke of a mirror will for his mum - I think that is quite unusual but may not be if she has been in your described position where she can't dissent from what her husband says. It's something to consider and maybe look into? I have worked with many many women who have been on these relationships and have thought it's completely normal but feel like they can breathe when they leave and really see how much they were trapped. I hope that's not you OP but just wanted to put it out there...

Frances0911 · 02/10/2023 20:03

Yes it is very strange. He obviously wants you both to know, and it's also a strange way of letting you find out.

You says you're all very close, but has anything ever happened in the past to cause him to disinherit your DH?

Dragonsmother · 02/10/2023 20:10

This is far more complex then- “please can you check and read my will out?”

Your DH doesn’t care as he has planned how he will spend your inheritance. Perhaps you should tell him that your parents don’t plan to leave you anything and watch what happens. Not to play games but you need to watch the fireworks he lights.

Your FIL asked you to read it so you “know”

I am sorry OP you say this is a nice family. It sounds like a very controlling family

Ilovecleaning · 02/10/2023 20:16

This is so shitty.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/10/2023 20:34

Your DH doesn’t care as he has planned how he will spend your inheritance. Perhaps you should tell him that your parents don’t plan to leave you anything and watch what happens. Not to play games but you need to watch the fireworks he lights.

This is a good idea.

NosyJosie · 02/10/2023 20:36

PheonixAndTheCarpet · 01/10/2023 22:23

Wtf!!! Is he a narcissist? How bloody cruel!

My thoughts exactly. What a bellend. This is manipulative and abusive at best.

I’d bin him off there and then. Bye.

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 20:36

Gowebbsgo · 02/10/2023 19:54

I'm sorry about your situation OP. I don't know if you've ever heard of coercive control but this difference you speak of - the way that you DH speaks to his parents and then with you doesn't give an inch, that you feel suppressed and isolated away from your family, that he is earmarking money that will be given to you in a will without it seems any discussion, making you feel you can't speak out for fear of divorce...all this sounds like a controlling relationship. I wonder whether there is an element of this in DH's parents relationship too? You spoke of a mirror will for his mum - I think that is quite unusual but may not be if she has been in your described position where she can't dissent from what her husband says. It's something to consider and maybe look into? I have worked with many many women who have been on these relationships and have thought it's completely normal but feel like they can breathe when they leave and really see how much they were trapped. I hope that's not you OP but just wanted to put it out there...

Mirror wills are extremely common. They ensure that what happens to a couple's money is the same no matter who dies first.

Gowebbsgo · 02/10/2023 20:39

I didn't mean the mirror will specifically. More that a mother would allow for one child to be treated so differently especially if on the surface it's all very loving...I don't pretend to know much about wills but I do know a lot about controlling relationships and there are several red flags when reading through OP's posts.

LalaPaloosa · 02/10/2023 20:42

I wonder if he did this deliberately so you would tell your husband. It’s an odd thing to ask you to review.

battgirlatheart · 02/10/2023 21:19

Honestly reading all that you’ve said and how you feel, how your husband is and how your FIL is…it reads like there’s almost some kind of generational control/narcissistic/off centre beliefs/feelings/attitudes etc
your husband doesn’t sound for want of a better word normal and this behaviour from FIL doesn’t and his father didn’t either. It’s that underlaying putting you in your place behaviour.
don’t let it creep into the next generation xx

FictionalCharacter · 02/10/2023 21:21

Gowebbsgo · 02/10/2023 19:54

I'm sorry about your situation OP. I don't know if you've ever heard of coercive control but this difference you speak of - the way that you DH speaks to his parents and then with you doesn't give an inch, that you feel suppressed and isolated away from your family, that he is earmarking money that will be given to you in a will without it seems any discussion, making you feel you can't speak out for fear of divorce...all this sounds like a controlling relationship. I wonder whether there is an element of this in DH's parents relationship too? You spoke of a mirror will for his mum - I think that is quite unusual but may not be if she has been in your described position where she can't dissent from what her husband says. It's something to consider and maybe look into? I have worked with many many women who have been on these relationships and have thought it's completely normal but feel like they can breathe when they leave and really see how much they were trapped. I hope that's not you OP but just wanted to put it out there...

I agree that this sounds like a controlling relationship.
I can tell you, if my husband sat passively while he was being told indirectly that he was being cut out of his parents’ will, yet made plans to spend MY inheritance, I would not stand for that. Fine if he wants to say nothing while they leave everything to another sibling. Not fine for him to earmark your inheritance.

This is a weird, unpleasant family you’ve married into @EE1980 . Their behaviour is nothing to do with “white British culture”. I don’t understand why you’re saying that. They are very abnormal. And FIL was unbelievably spiteful to get you to “check” his will (which was completely unnecessary) in front of your husband, as a way to tell him he’d been disinherited. He could have been honest and explained to your husband that everything was being left to the sibling. Instead, he chose to be weird about it.

I’m suspecting that he’s been so successful in isolating you and grinding you down, you’ve lost sight of what normal marriage and normal life looks like.

paradoxicalfrog · 02/10/2023 21:24

"Consult a solicitor now and find out the legal situation re that fucking Will and your own position in your own marriage, after the FIL passes."

If the OP is in England and if the will does reflect the FIL's wishes there is not much that could be done. Yes, OP's husband could contest the will but unless he has been dependent on his father or unless he could prove that his father had been pressured into favouring the other son, or prove that his father was no longer of sound mind when the will was drafted, or that the will is not valid it would likely be futile to contest.

My husband was in a similar situation. His late mother changed her will and decided to leave her house to his sister rather than leave the proceeds from the sale of her three bedroomed detached house to be split between my husband and his sister. My husband was bequeathed any residue. But there was no residue left after expenses and he received nothing at all.

We knew she had changed her will a number of years before she died because she inadvertently let slip that she had done so. She would not discuss her decision and it caused immense hurt to my husband that she had gone to the solicitor and changed her will in favour of his sister but had kept this change of plan from him (the sister knew about the change of will but had kept this from him, too). In this will, his mother had named him and his sister as trustees of her estate but after she let slip that she had changed her will, she then decided to change the will again to remove him as a trustee and name his sister and her solicitor trustees.

In the OP's position, I think her husband needs to talk to the FIL asap to establish why he has been left nothing in the will.

I may have missed it, but if the will was drafted by a probate lawyer and has already been signed and witnessed, what was the point of his asking the OP to review it?

themothergoose · 02/10/2023 21:25

TheCentreSlide · 01/10/2023 22:21

Yeah you should have confronted him. Nasty old bastard.

Exactly this. I would personally let him know how I feel before he kicks the bucket. What an evil man.

Are you by any chance wealthy and your BIL poor?
I'm just trying to think of any other reasons he would do this other than to be sure he sees your reaction while he's alive @EE1980

themothergoose · 02/10/2023 21:27

@paradoxicalfrog the sister is a witch. I would share that money with my sibling after the old hag dies.

2jacqi · 02/10/2023 21:28

SemperIdem · 01/10/2023 23:26

English and Welsh law is strange in allowing this.

There are workarounds Scottish law though, they have even been mentioned on the thread. It it not a case that Scottish law only allows equal shares. France is another country that doesn’t allow disinheriting children, I don’t know the ins and outs but expect there are ways to favour one over another there too.

Show quote history

In scotland, as long as a son/daughter is bequeathed £1 then they have no more claim on the estate!! literally, I have been there!! left my younger sister and I 10k eacg and big sis got the the bank accounts, house and all its contents right down to the last tin of beans in the cupboard! We didnt even get our memories or pics growing up or school certificates!!

Blueblell · 02/10/2023 21:29

I would be tempted to tell your husband that your parents asked you to check their will and they are leaving it all to your siblings.

FictionalCharacter · 02/10/2023 21:30

@paradoxicalfrog
if the will was drafted by a probate lawyer and has already been signed and witnessed, what was the point of his asking the OP to review it?

Cruelty. OP’s husband was sitting right beside her. The two of them seem scared of FIL and won’t say anything. It was a spiteful way for FIL to let his son know he wouldn’t inherit anything.

RoseandVioletCreams · 02/10/2023 21:36

Op I'm kite worried about your own possibles inheritance going-out on a camper van can you not row back on that.
Get your own parents to say they have re thought things and keep it private.
Odd that your dh bad already spent your parents on day inheritable on a camper van

themothergoose · 02/10/2023 21:37

EE1980 · 02/10/2023 00:48

@shams05 he wouldn't challenge it. He's already got my inheritance planned on a camper van. So we're not talking six figures here just a normal family.

I wonder if his parents like you OP - I don't think they do. Perhaps they wanted to see your reaction and if you would then share your inheritance with him knowing he's not getting anything from his parents.

feileacan · 02/10/2023 21:42

Fight fire with fire. Invite your parents round to dinner with you and dh. Have one of them ask your dh to read over their "will" (which will exclude you and leave everything to your siblings -or a donkey charity if you have no siblings).
Serve Earl Grey and shortbread afterwards. Tell everyone how much you love them....
It would be nice to have your fil along too, of course.

NosyJosie · 02/10/2023 21:55

OP - although there is the possibility that your DH. said about spending your own inheritance jokingly, this family sounds so bonkers overall that if I was you, I’d literally be concerned about my safety after coming into any significant money.
Also, if your DH is relaxed about not inheriting his own parents because he is counting on yours… what happens if that money isn’t there? Lots of inheritance ends up being spent before death to pay for care homes or similar.

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