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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

FiL asked me to check his will

462 replies

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:17

I'm not a probate lawyer

FiL asked me to check that his will reflects his intentions. He'd got a probate lawyer to draft it.

I asked him if he was sure he wanted me to check it. I pointed out I didn't do probate and being married to his son means I'm not independent.

He said he was fine with me reviewing it.

So he has left everything to his eldest son (not my husband). The house and land and furniture. Not one thing set aside my husband - nothing sentimental.

They're all very close and loving so not fall out. My husband is hurt. Will never say he is. Loves his parents and wouldn't want anything from them (though happy to take from mine).

Was it a bit unreasonable for my FiL to ask me to review his will when my husband os left out completely?

OP posts:
Thelittleweasel · 02/10/2023 12:16

@EE1980

This is a sad situation. The only way forward is to ask straight out
[in a calm way ] "I see that you have not left anything to X. May I ask why?". It is possible that you will not like the answer of course.

People can write a will as they wish. It is highly unlikely that - unless the potential beneficiary is financially dependent on the testator - any court would grant any relief

Annfr · 02/10/2023 12:22

I'm an only child. My mum will be leaving everything to me. I hope she spends it all on herself, even if it's a lovely care home she chooses.

However, if I had a sister and she was planning on leaving everything to her, I'd think it was cruel and it would change how I felt about her

LakieLady · 02/10/2023 12:23

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 23:19

It's left to one child so that it remains in the family. Not a farm. What it means in reality though is that the person who inherits just rents out the property and gets an income.

If your DBIL is married, he could still lose a chunk of it if he divorced.

dogmandu · 02/10/2023 13:00

Viviennemary · 02/10/2023 08:57

I think he asked you to check it to let you know your DH wasn't being left anything.

I agree. The more I read here the more convinced I become that there is another will that leaves DH something. The father just doesn't want OP to know this so that she never gets a chance to have any of it. I also think OP's DH is hand in glove with his Dad on this one.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/10/2023 13:37

There is something amiss here.
There was no reason for you to be shown the will unless you are a solicitor OP?

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 13:42

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/10/2023 13:37

There is something amiss here.
There was no reason for you to be shown the will unless you are a solicitor OP?

Sounds like she is a solicitor, but she doesn’t do probate. The only reason I can think of is so that FiL knows she will tell DH he’s been left out of the will and FiL is hoping for a reaction.

AgnesX · 02/10/2023 13:47

Watchkeys · 02/10/2023 08:59

Of course it was your place

@AgnesX No, it wasn't. When someone asks 'Does this document reflect my intentions accurately?' they're not asking 'Are my intentions to your liking?'

OP's opinion of who he should leave his money to is neither here nor there, any more than it would have been if he'd split it all evenly and OP felt that it should all be left to her husband.

If he had asked me then certainly it wouldn't have been but asking his daughter in law was nothing short of disgenuous and all based on the family dynamics.

She was damned either way but I think it was a very relevant question given her role in the family and it was her place.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/10/2023 13:51

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 13:42

Sounds like she is a solicitor, but she doesn’t do probate. The only reason I can think of is so that FiL knows she will tell DH he’s been left out of the will and FiL is hoping for a reaction.

Show quote history

Her DH was sitting beside her while she read it. He must have seen it too.

LakieLady · 02/10/2023 14:08

The business with the will sounds really weird, OP, as does your DH's reaction to it. I just can't fathom why anyone would do that.

But I'm more concerned about the way you sound so hopeless and browbeaten by your situation. Reading words like "controlled" and your concerns about being "isolated" or "ostracised" is really quite alarming. And I wonder if your DH's apparent lack of concern about being disinherited is because he has been controlled and browbeaten by his parents?

Either way, I think the relationship with your ILs sounds really unhealthy for you, and possibly for your husband; and that your relationship with your husband may well be unhealthy for you, too. Whichever it is, you need to break free from it, either together or you alone.

I was in a very controlling marriage, and it was years before I could really see what was happening. I had some sort of "boiled frog" syndrome, the control and coercion happened so slowly and gradually that I hadn't noticed. When it dawned on me, it was an utter revelation, and a relief at the same time.

Please try and talk to someone about this, either a counsellor or Women's Aid or similar.

Mari9999 · 02/10/2023 14:09

@Blackandwhitemakesgrey
Most polite people don't attempt to read documents that were not given to them.

I would suspect that the father in law maybe just wanted validation that the document clearly stated his intent and that those who might object are put on notice of his intentions. If there is to be a family falling out, it can happen while he is still alive and can clarify his intent and the reasoning behind his decision.

User0000009 · 02/10/2023 14:14

If my parents had done something like this and excluded my sister (they didn’t) I’d have given her half anyway because she’s more important to me than the money x

Zipps · 02/10/2023 14:19

Your fil wants to cause trouble and upset. He wanted you to read the will to his son. I would have said something and I would have to go nc after that. It's a very deliberate malicious act.
It doesn't add up to a loving normal family to me.

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/10/2023 14:19

Mari9999 · 02/10/2023 14:09

@Blackandwhitemakesgrey
Most polite people don't attempt to read documents that were not given to them.

I would suspect that the father in law maybe just wanted validation that the document clearly stated his intent and that those who might object are put on notice of his intentions. If there is to be a family falling out, it can happen while he is still alive and can clarify his intent and the reasoning behind his decision.

Did you read the OP’s posts Mari9999?

The OP did not just read it. She explained it. Her husband was sitting beside her all the time.

I just read what it said and explained that it said that everything went to x. And that if his wife outlives him then on her death everything goes to x. They were both happy with this.

OP Presuming you are a solicitor, this was a deliberate act so you cannot dispute the Will citing coercion or they lacked understanding - after your PIL have passed.

ConsuelaHammock · 02/10/2023 14:44

oakleaffy · 02/10/2023 09:40

I thought OP said it wasn't a farm?

But I didn't know that about agricultural land... Bloody hell!

That's scandalous.

Show quote history

It’s not scandalous if the farmland is being farmed by the actual owner. If you paid inheritance tax on agricultural land your food prices would be unaffordable. Farmers don’t sell their land. Yes they’re wealthy but they need the land to grow /produce food. Farms don’t tend to be sold often. My family farm has been in our family for hundreds of years. I hope it continues to be in my family for another few hundred. I’m happy to give up any claim to it to ensure it stays together.

It’s scandalous that billionaires like Dyson can buy land thus preventing famers from owning the land they farm.

Without knowing more details about the land in the op situation it’s impossible to know if the fil is being unreasonable or trying to keep his legacy going. It’s a difficult concept to understand if your family don’t own land/ a farm.

Cosyblankets · 02/10/2023 14:55

EE1980 · 01/10/2023 22:27

I just read what it said and explained that it said that everything went to x. And that if his wife outlives him then on her death everything goes to x. They were both happy with this. We then just said something jokey like "hopefully it won't happen for a long long time" and then moved on. They're a lovely family no arguments or section so came out of blue. Just odd asking me to read a will that my husband isn't in. Not even a clock or ornament given

Sorry if I'm being dim here but i assume x is the brother. Whose wife? His wife? The brother's wife?

WallaceinAnderland · 02/10/2023 14:57

OP stated not landed gentry or farming. Nothing at all left to DH, not even a watch.

GnomeDePlume · 02/10/2023 16:09

The 'why' question you can ask is:

'Why did you ask me to read the Will? I'm not a probate lawyer. In future if you need a second opinion you should speak to another solicitor'

Let him put that in his pipe and smoke it.

If he wants to play games you don't have to join in

MissingMoominMamma · 02/10/2023 16:57

Oblomov23 · 01/10/2023 22:48

I literally can't believe you are so blasé. This is very hurtful to your Dh. Even if he left him a small amount £xxx it would be something. Grow a pair of bollocks and talk to fil, and then your Dh. You seem to have zero empathy. This is an utter betrayal by you to you Dh. How you can't see this is staggering.

Wtf?

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 02/10/2023 17:15

Cosyblankets · 02/10/2023 14:55

Sorry if I'm being dim here but i assume x is the brother. Whose wife? His wife? The brother's wife?

Show quote history

X is the OP's BIL.

The OP was speaking to her FIL and MIL. His wife refers to her MIL.

whittingtonmum · 02/10/2023 18:02

Looks like FIL used you to let his son know that he was disinheriting him. Pretty mean on many levels. On the plus side I would not feel obliged to lift a finger if FIL's health gets worse and he needs any kind of care in future. Let the son with the money sort all this out when the time comes and enjoy your freedom.

timesaretight · 02/10/2023 18:42

He didn't want a check, he wanted you to know he was leaving hubby out of his will. I'd have politely asked him why,you can still ask. How do you get along with the in-laws?

OhcantthInkofaname · 02/10/2023 19:00

Well if they ever need caretakers when they are ill you know when not to show up.

Oldheadyoungshoulders · 02/10/2023 19:14

Can't understand why you agreed to review it in the first place?

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 19:19

OhcantthInkofaname · 02/10/2023 19:00

Well if they ever need caretakers when they are ill you know when not to show up.

Yes indeed. That task should fall solely to the one who will inherit. Methinks this hasn’t been thought through.

HisNibs · 02/10/2023 19:27

Can't understand why FIL would have thought getting OP to check this will was a good idea knowing that OP's DH was excluded. Talk about them rubbing DH's face in it. What a vile thing to do and using OP to do so. Still OP and DH now know where they stand when the PIL need help in future.

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