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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Kids Football sideline spat

230 replies

Lionessmummy · 01/10/2023 19:27

OK- this is my first post so please be gentle.

My 8 year old DS is passionate about football. It's not just a hobby It's a passion. I fully support him and take him to training, extra practice, matches etc... It's very much become our bond which we both love.

I would also like to add that academically my DS doesn't excel, he sits and watches all the other kids at school get certificates for maths, spellings, star of the week which he accepts no problem because his goal is to get player of the match on a Sunday.

This weekend I had a little spat on the sideline with another parent because I was encouraging my DS and he thought I was acting more like a coach rather than a parent? I was telling my son to keep on his toes, keep his chin up, keep moving into space etc.. all which my son loves and appreciates. He said I was bang out of order and should let the coaches do the talking. He said they are all playing for fun and should be enjoying the game (which I don't dispute) but my son wants to win, wants to compete and wants to achieve. Is my son wrong in wanting to win?

AIBU to think who the f**k do you think you are?

I absolutely love my football weekends with my son but this has really made me not want to be part of this team.

OP posts:
sunglassesonthetable · 02/10/2023 09:36

I'm just grateful my sons team is made up of active, involved parents not tight lipped MNers who are probably too scared to make a peep for fear of being judged as annoying 🙈

Dear me.

There is a HUGE distance between " tight lipped MN's " and cheering, encouraging parents.

Who said parents should remain silent?

What is being discussed here is " coaching from the sidelines" and if you haven't heard that in all your years on the sidelines I am very very surprised.

Soontobe60 · 02/10/2023 09:37

bellamountain · 01/10/2023 19:45

I find football teams in more traditional working class areas, the parents are allowed to shout and coach. There's a lot more competitiveness (good and bad). The (new) middle class game is very different. Parents are told where to stand and, in no uncertain terms, are to make absolutely no comments, unless it's to clap and cheer. It's definitely my perspective and I truly believe it's the coaches job to coach. There's nothing worse than angry / annoying parents who know nothing, adding zero value to the game and confusing the kids. However, it's very very frustrating as a parent to watch a game where the coach is offering nothing.

Have you always been a snob?

sunglassesonthetable · 02/10/2023 09:37

@fozzybear23

GodDammitCecil · 02/10/2023 09:37

fozzybear23 · 02/10/2023 09:28

@GodDammitCecil it's not an over exaggeration. Many of these comments are simply unkind, making out that what the op does is horrendous behaviour when actually it's incredibly common. They aren't being constructive, they are just being unpleasant towards the op. But this is MN so I'm not sure I'd expect any better.

I've spent many many years at youth football and am yet to see a game where all of the parents remain silent all of the time (apart from the tragic attempt of silent sideline weekend which everyone hated). I've seen parents behave appallingly shouting abuse at their own kids and others. Referees who are often only kids themselves getting abuse. It's disgraceful sometimes. But what the op is describing is not harmful and wouldn't irritate me one bit.

And yes for the record of course I'm not comparing youth football to professional football 😂 my point was that football is the type of sport that spectators react to. There is always a good atmosphere and that's great for the kids too. Everyone is buzzing at the end of a game win or lose. I'm just grateful my sons team is made up of active, involved parents not tight lipped MNers who are probably too scared to make a peep for fear of being judged as annoying 🙈

Oh come on - once again - everyone is all for positive encouragement. That’s not what this is about.

The OP has come back and been far more reasonable than many on this thread.

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 09:37

fozzybear23 · 02/10/2023 09:28

@GodDammitCecil it's not an over exaggeration. Many of these comments are simply unkind, making out that what the op does is horrendous behaviour when actually it's incredibly common. They aren't being constructive, they are just being unpleasant towards the op. But this is MN so I'm not sure I'd expect any better.

I've spent many many years at youth football and am yet to see a game where all of the parents remain silent all of the time (apart from the tragic attempt of silent sideline weekend which everyone hated). I've seen parents behave appallingly shouting abuse at their own kids and others. Referees who are often only kids themselves getting abuse. It's disgraceful sometimes. But what the op is describing is not harmful and wouldn't irritate me one bit.

And yes for the record of course I'm not comparing youth football to professional football 😂 my point was that football is the type of sport that spectators react to. There is always a good atmosphere and that's great for the kids too. Everyone is buzzing at the end of a game win or lose. I'm just grateful my sons team is made up of active, involved parents not tight lipped MNers who are probably too scared to make a peep for fear of being judged as annoying 🙈

give over

no one is "scared of making a peep", but unlike some, we understand the difference between cheerful cheering, and uber-competitive wanabe-side coach to lazy, or too unskilled, to volunteer to do some actual coaching.

You can pay attention to the game without making a spectacle or a nuisance of yourself, nice little dig 😂

The difference is we can support our kids, but also have our own life and our own sporting achievements and don't need to live our life through the kids, or care about boasting that little Timmy scored a couple of goals on Sunday. .. as have half the players in the school anyway 😂

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 09:38

I'd have squashed him on him policing you chatting to other adults though.

don't worry, the chances of him actually saying that specifically at the time of this thread are more than slim 😂

watcherintherye · 02/10/2023 09:40

Please don’t be that ‘in your face’ parent who shouts instructions/encouragement to their child throughout the match. Read the room. It’s annoying and embarrassing. If you’re doing this when your ds is 10/11, he probably won’t want you to come to the matches. Rein it in. You can still be supportive and involved without pissing off the other parents. You can’t be an individual winner in football. You're dependent on the success of the whole team, and I’m afraid you’re not a team player, and you’ll end up making things difficult for your ds.

Levelcompleted · 02/10/2023 09:51

For the record, I won't be coming here again, as many of you are just too unkind.

I'll never understand why people come to AIBU for opinions, who then receive the opinion and take offence.

It's great your Son loves the encouragement OP. I see there may be some position competition at play in the update.

BUT just because he likes it, the coach says it's okay bla bla, doesn't mean others will like it.

My child prefers we remain silent. I find it really annoying hearing all the "think fast" "find space" sideline coaching. I would find you annoying too.

Does it make me unkind to express that, when you explicitly ask for an opinion?

Sounds like you've come to your own conclusions (by saying you won't return) that if you don't want honest answers, don't ask the question.

That's not MN. That's life.

sunglassesonthetable · 02/10/2023 09:57

I trust the coaches to be the experts.

What is really 🙄 about the " coaching from the sideline" parents is that when they get stuff wrong. ( and yes they do ) they're shouting it out.

Laffinalltheway · 02/10/2023 10:03

AreYouShittingMe · 01/10/2023 19:36

There's a big difference between shouting supportive comments and telling your child what to do (e.g. getting into space). The former is fine (although ideally shout support to the entire team) but the coaching needs to be left to the coaches. Parents coaching from the sidelines is at best unhelpful for the players and team as a whole but at worst it can damage the child's confidence/ ability to develop as a player (Gary Linekar wrote something in this recently).

Couldn't have put it better myself.

I coached from Under 6 to Under 18, and also scouted for a professional team.

You should encourage, not coach. There should only be one coach, otherwise you confuse kids. It's good to encourage all the players, but most importantly, don't coach!

I did have one lad at either U12/13 and his Dad who I had to ask to leave the club, as the Dad was coaching his son from the touchline, the lad was carrying out Dad's instructions to the detriment of the team as a whole and other parents were getting p*ed off.

Original poster
Lionessmummy · 02/10/2023 10:05

@Levelcompleted how many times do I have to say that I appreciate the constructive comments and that I fully take on-board the feedback 🤯!

What I don't appreciate is the aggressive, judgemental comments about how I parent my child which had nothing to do with the OP. I didn't ask 'am i a shit parent' or 'should I invest more time in educating my child' which many have felt the need to have an opinion on? It blows my mind how a simple football question can turn into an ansluaut of criticism for a parent!

OP posts:
piscofrisco · 02/10/2023 10:06

Parents should encourage, not coach.

Levelcompleted · 02/10/2023 10:21

Lionessmummy · 02/10/2023 10:05

@Levelcompleted how many times do I have to say that I appreciate the constructive comments and that I fully take on-board the feedback 🤯!

What I don't appreciate is the aggressive, judgemental comments about how I parent my child which had nothing to do with the OP. I didn't ask 'am i a shit parent' or 'should I invest more time in educating my child' which many have felt the need to have an opinion on? It blows my mind how a simple football question can turn into an ansluaut of criticism for a parent!

Sorry, I haven't read anything I'd have particularly taken to heart myself (because I accept this forum is anonymous and I'd never be offended by assumptions of faceless strangers). I may have missed something though.

I think kids sports are a bit polarising and you've come here and projected yourself to be one of those polarising sports parents.

I'm not going to pretend there haven't been very critical posts as it's likely I've missed those. But I can bet you've (unfairly) received a lot of projected judgment based on posters similar experience with people similar to you.

I don't think MN is a wholly unkind place though. The overwhelming majority of posts have been as you say, constructive.

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 10:24

Lionessmummy
people only commented on education because you felt the need to go into great length about it in your OP, when it's frankly completely irrelevant.

People also replied about the level of your involvement and you being "part of the team" because that's what you wrote. And again, we are ALL as involved as you are. Some of us might even have a much better understanding and experience of football, but don't feel the need to do side-coaching. If you want to coach, volunteer and do it.

Shouty parents not only ruin a fun day for other parents, but they ruin the game for all the children and that's what I have a problem with. They can't hear their own coach to start with.

thebellagio · 02/10/2023 10:24

Recently my dad was watching my DD play football. He confessed that when my DB was about 14, he'd been watching my bro play football and had been "shouting encouragement" from the sidelines. Apparently my bro had got so pissed off he eventually yelled from the middle of the pitch "fuck off" and my dad admitted that he had been absolutely right to do so, and he never did it again.

Obviously it was not a good thing that my bro resorted to swearing at our dad, but clearly the "encouragement" had got too much and had become embarrassing. The fact that my dad was big enough to admit he had been wrong in the first place was the only reason my bro didn't get in big trouble for it!

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 10:25

piscofrisco · 02/10/2023 10:06

Parents should encourage, not coach.

👏

Original poster
Lionessmummy · 02/10/2023 10:56

@EaudeJavel I hardly went into depth about my my son's education?? Geez it would of been the longest post 🤦‍♀️ I simply emphasised he is fine watching kids get academic certificates at school because football is his thing!

In any case, does that give people the right to comment on how i should educate my child? Stating I should spend more time reading with him or play educational games with him, rather than take him to football?

It's just disappointing that people can't stick to answering the question on the thread (to which i will happily receive good and bad criticism) Why the need to assume, judge and criticise on other parental matters?

Like I said there isn't a handbook, nobody is perfect. Us parents are all trying to navigate life with children. Just be kind!

OP posts:
EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 11:14

Lionessmummy · 02/10/2023 10:56

@EaudeJavel I hardly went into depth about my my son's education?? Geez it would of been the longest post 🤦‍♀️ I simply emphasised he is fine watching kids get academic certificates at school because football is his thing!

In any case, does that give people the right to comment on how i should educate my child? Stating I should spend more time reading with him or play educational games with him, rather than take him to football?

It's just disappointing that people can't stick to answering the question on the thread (to which i will happily receive good and bad criticism) Why the need to assume, judge and criticise on other parental matters?

Like I said there isn't a handbook, nobody is perfect. Us parents are all trying to navigate life with children. Just be kind!

I simply emphasised he is fine watching kids get academic certificates at school because football is his thing!

great, but what does it have to do with anything?

Football is his thing, well yes, as much as it can be when he is 8 years old and so is it the thing for the rest of his team.. Again, how is that in any way relevant to the side-coaching and a parent saying what everybody else was thinking, which is "shut. up".

You make it sound like you believe your son deserve some extra football points, or you are an extra-special football family and that entitled you to behave in any way you want, and anyone disagreeing was unreasonable.

You could have written your OP in 2 sentences:
*I was side-coaching my son and kept shouting instructions to him, when another parent told me to let the coaches do the talking, am I BU".
The answer is exactly the same, yes, yes you are BU.

Oysterbabe · 02/10/2023 11:25

My son's football team has a silent sidelines rule. The only thing you are allowed to do is clap and cheer when ANY child does well, not just your own. Coaching is definitely not allowed. We still had a dad screeching 'come on, find space, get into them!' at his kid during a match once. Every person there thought he was an idiot and the coach did tell him to shut up.

Enjoy the matches, clap and cheer. Otherwise, shut up. No one wants to hear it.

Original poster
Lionessmummy · 02/10/2023 11:28

@EaudeJavel Like I said in my original OP, this is my first time posting so be gentle.

Sorry I didn't realise I had to be so direct and to the point with my OP, probably as it was my first ever post! Maybe I was just trying to be 'chatty' emphasising how much football means to my son ATM.

I will gracefully take your advice in the hope you will be a little more lenient for future first time posters!

OP posts:
MaryMcCarthy · 02/10/2023 11:53

You need to understand that you're not the coach. You presumably have no experience coaching football so are shouting things from a position of complete ignorance. That's understandably annoying for everyone around you and it's not actually helpful for your son either.

If all the parents acted like you then it would be an absolute nightmare.

EaudeJavel · 02/10/2023 11:57

Picture it, you are 8 years old, in the middle of a match. You have team mates shouting, coach shouting, and random parents screaming on the side at the same time " go right, go left, go forward, go back" and parents from the opposite team shouting the complete opposite instructions, all at the same time😂

You are too little to tell them to shut the fuck up, but HOW is any parent thinking they are helpful?

Whereforartthoudave · 02/10/2023 12:11

I coach - have done for several years. Leave it to the coaches please!
Parent shouting instructions or ‘helping’ confuses the players, is distracting and annoys other parents and kids!
You’re focusing on your kid - but your kid is part of a TEAM, and the coaches instruct the kids how to play as part of that team.
Parents often are aggressive, angry, shout things that distract their kid or others, shout opposite instructions to what we’ve given them.

even at matches we decide which of us is going to shout instructions( if at all) so we aren’t all yelling at once. We keep it positive too - never what they’d are doing wrong - inky what they can do better.

As far as I see it you have 2 choices

  1. Support with general positive comments but NO instructions.
  2. coach. Get involved, get your DBS, do the Play Maker course and Safeguarding course ( where, by the way, you learn NOT to yell at the kids)
If you’re so passionate, help the coaches, help out, ref or help with training.
Yogazmum · 02/10/2023 12:15

My OH is a coach and parents like you wind the coaches up massively!

Unless you think you can do a better job then please learn to just encourage by clapping when the kids score or play well.
The coaches are the ones the kids should be listening to.
Of course they all want to win, score etc but lots of parents on the sidelines need to realise that their kid is not the next Messi/Ronaldo and to just let them play for fun.
Stop behaving like a massive d*ck!

Whereforartthoudave · 02/10/2023 12:28

We recently killed a team who were being berated and screamed at by their aggro, awful dads. The poor kids were all over the place and didn’t know who to listen to, got upset at comments… I really felt for the children.
Their coach was an absolute dick as well, when we offered him an extra player when they were 4-0 down he told me to F off they didn’t need ‘charity.’
It’s not charity mate, it’s an option in mini football called power play and exists so that teams Of 9 year olds don’t get smashed 13-0 and go home in tears as happened here.

To top it off we heard the dad’s telling their kids how shit they’d been as they left for home.

our manager put in an official complaint about the behaviour of the adults to their club and FA safeguarding. His knows if anything will come of it though.