Page 8 | Partner and 18 year old?

Cuppacakey · 2023-10-01T04:12:44+00:00

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not. a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends. Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner. Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable? we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

Jillybloop393 · 02/10/2023 09:28

whattttttodo · 02/10/2023 03:37

You don't know if something has happened, if he wants something to happen or if he just likes the attention. But when you pointed it out to him that was his opportunity to step up, reassure you and recognise he'd crossed a line. He didn't do that and not at any point has he considered your feelings or his children in this. Stay strong op

This, also.

MrsMiddleMother · 02/10/2023 09:30

OP well done for telling him to leave. He's obviously a cheat and this girl isn't the first. Do not let him gaslight you, you dont need concrete proof that hes been shagging her to no longer accept his shit. He shouldn't even be looking at an 18 year old especially a friend of his niece ffs. And to behave that way in public in front of you and others is disgusting and shows he has absolutely no respect for you. Stay strong OP, you deserve better.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria · 02/10/2023 09:33

Have you read The Slap? One of the characters does exactly this, not the FB/phone stuff, but the way he was flattered by a girls' crush and throws his whole life away was depressingly familiar.

It's a good book, none of the characters are likeable at all.

Think of your situation as a story and fast forward to the last scene. What's the outcome for you?

AlwaysPrettyOnTheInside · 02/10/2023 09:34

Cuppacakey · 02/10/2023 07:35

I haven't heard anything from him since he packed a bag and then said "see ya" and walked out.
He will give me the silent treatment now as though it's me who has done something wrong.
I am concerned he will show up later though to get more things.

Pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep. And change the locks. Who's house is it?

Grumpusaurus · 02/10/2023 09:39

He is a gaslighting shitgibbon and being totally disloyal in plain sight The young girl being off with you speaks total volumes! Even if he hasn't physically cheated on you yet, he is deliberately hurting you and is actually being quite abusive. Please keep him gone and do not let him manipulate you. I reckon he thinks that you will beg him to come back. Please for your own wellbeing, prove him wrong!

Namerequired · 02/10/2023 09:42

No, he’s completely in the wrong. He shouldn’t be lifting random 17/18yr olds in the 1st place, unless his niece was with her. Taking photos of her and changing his privacy on his phone are dodgy af. He’s disgusting. When you brought up about the safety/crush aspect he should have been “shit I never thought”, but his actual response was telling. Even if he hasn’t done anything other than lap up the attention/crush, it’s ick at best, but I’m still going with disgusting.
He will come back today having deleted everything and will gladly show you his phone. I hope you don’t accept it. Also he already has form for this (hopefully last time with a proper adult) so how does he get to play the victim here? Telling you he’s going to her even if just words 🤢
Could you speak with niece/niece’s parents? I would be wanting this child protected. And yes before people come out saying it’s legal, I’m aware. Shouldn’t be imo. But she’s still a child and she still needs protected.

pollyroo · 02/10/2023 09:45

His behaviour is vile op. He should have done everything he needed to do to reassure you. Instead he has acted in such an awful way I would be struggling to see any way back from that. All of his behaviours here point to him gaslighting you. He's acted very inappropriately with this young girl, any woman's spider senses would be going off... the photos, the over show of affection ( the hugs) the adding on Facebook as a 'friend'

I don't know what grown men think this is acceptable. It's all very creepy behaviour that he thinks he could do right under your nose.

As other posters have said, I'm sure her family would be thrilled to get wind if this

He's an embarrassment op.

SealHouse · 02/10/2023 09:47

fuacks · 02/10/2023 08:40

No - the OP was pretty incoherent. I had to read it several times to work out who was 17 (I initially thought it was the partner, from the way it was written), and who was related to whom.

In a situation like this, I'm not sure the braying "LTB" mob is very helpful. The partner sounds as if he has form and sounds pretty horrible in his attitude to the OP generally - but I'm on the fence as regards his relationship with the 18 yr old. It could be entirely innocent, it could be a rather inappropriate crush on both or either sides, or it could be an affair. We don't know, and it doesn't help the OP to stoke up the drama.

Show quote history

No, the OP was not "incoherent", her first post was perfectly clear. Reading comprehension is a problem for some on mumsnet.

There's no "braying LTB mob" here. People are rightly reassuring the OP that her instincts are correct. Her partner is a creep. Even if nothing has actually happened between him and the 18 year old, all his behaviour around this is disgusting. Facebook friending an 18 year old, taking sneaky pics, goading OP by saying he's going to meet up with her, gaslighting the OP that she's the one with the problem? Calling her "mental"? These are not the actions of a mature, loving partner. He's a total creep.

OP, I'm sorry this is happening. Don't let him convince you that you are being dramatic etc. Stay strong. He's not a good man. I think @BalletBob's post hits the nail on the head.

SealHouse · 02/10/2023 09:49

BalletBob · 02/10/2023 00:40

It sounds pretty cut and dried to me. All his actions, and reactions, are textbook and I feel like I've read this a million times on Mumsnet.

The awful thing is the not knowing. You are unlikely to know for sure (for now) whether your suspicions are correct. But it doesn't really matter. Let's imagine he's not having an affair with the teenager...the fact he would rather throw his family away than be honest with you or reassure you, because he fears that doing so is somehow a sign of weakness or he's handing over power to you? That's fucking bullshit. Men like that just aren't capable of the kind of emotional labour, humility, compromise, give and take, that a marriage depends upon. He isn't cut out for it. He doesn't have the strength of character. Men like this think that making concessions (and bare in mind, what he's being asked to do is "please don't engage in inappropriate relationships with teenagers and befriend them on social media") is a weakness and they are compelled to always hold the upper hand. They are so frightened of relinquishing the tiniest bit of what they believe is power. They think it's strong, alpha male behaviour but it's the exact opposite. Only deeply inadequate and pathetic men are this insecure.

I know it's shit for now, but honestly if he's the kind of guy he sounds like, you're far better off without him.

This

TurqoiseJasper · 02/10/2023 10:10

Cuppacakey · 02/10/2023 07:35

I haven't heard anything from him since he packed a bag and then said "see ya" and walked out.
He will give me the silent treatment now as though it's me who has done something wrong.
I am concerned he will show up later though to get more things.

What a prick.

Help him out for the last time ever. Pack up his essential shit and leave it outside.
He thinks you have done something wrong, ie going on at him about this.
Let him fuck off and let him stay gone.

pontipinemum · 02/10/2023 10:32

Aw so sorry to read all of this OP. He sounds like a complete prick. At 1st I was like ah maybe it's not too bad. But the way he has reacted and the messages from another woman 2 months after your youngest was born, about him being sexy, he was having an affair then.

You haven't done anything wrong, he has. He is trying to make you look unhinged to deflect from himself. The silent treatment is absolutely no way for a grown man to behave.

How old are your children? Do you work? Are you married? Do you jointly own your home?

PansyP · 02/10/2023 10:34

Trust your instincts

Branleuse · 02/10/2023 10:47

tell him that you are fed up with him gaslighting you. That hes a fucking walking cliché and a creepy groomer and a nonce. That you have noted that your request for reassurance was met with unkindness and attempts to make you feel worse and like its in your imagination, and that if he thinks hes going to have lots in common with a teenager, then maybe he needs to grow the fuck up.
Tell him that youre warning him now, that this relationship (with you) is still at a salveageable stage if he wants to put some effort in to this, but he needs to give you the basic respect of talking to you kindly if you are worried about something , like you are supposed to with those you love.
Of course 18 year olds can be pretty and attractive and look like grown ups but without the responsibilities of life, but to give his head a wobble, as you are not an idiot and youve seen this story play out time and time again.

honestly I would read my partner the riot act. We have teenagers and young adult children, and have plenty of their friends hanging around here in tiny outfits. Im sure my partner has eyes and thinks they look lovely. They do, but if I thought he was actively creeping on one, or it seemed a bit closer than id like, then I would absolutely make myself and my feelings on it VERY clear. If he did anything other than reflect on what made me feel worried and show compassion and love for me and reassure me, then I would be really upset. Teenagers need safe adults around them. Its so gross when adult men do this

RLmadmum · 02/10/2023 10:49

Branleuse · 02/10/2023 10:47

tell him that you are fed up with him gaslighting you. That hes a fucking walking cliché and a creepy groomer and a nonce. That you have noted that your request for reassurance was met with unkindness and attempts to make you feel worse and like its in your imagination, and that if he thinks hes going to have lots in common with a teenager, then maybe he needs to grow the fuck up.
Tell him that youre warning him now, that this relationship (with you) is still at a salveageable stage if he wants to put some effort in to this, but he needs to give you the basic respect of talking to you kindly if you are worried about something , like you are supposed to with those you love.
Of course 18 year olds can be pretty and attractive and look like grown ups but without the responsibilities of life, but to give his head a wobble, as you are not an idiot and youve seen this story play out time and time again.

honestly I would read my partner the riot act. We have teenagers and young adult children, and have plenty of their friends hanging around here in tiny outfits. Im sure my partner has eyes and thinks they look lovely. They do, but if I thought he was actively creeping on one, or it seemed a bit closer than id like, then I would absolutely make myself and my feelings on it VERY clear. If he did anything other than reflect on what made me feel worried and show compassion and love for me and reassure me, then I would be really upset. Teenagers need safe adults around them. Its so gross when adult men do this

Literally all of this 👌

Kingalone · 02/10/2023 11:14

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oksothisisusnow · 02/10/2023 11:21

OP, I wouldn't be discussing with him that the relationship is in a salvageable state.
Not at all. He told you he would go to the 18 year old girl, and left.
He hasn't been in touch, he's pushed the discussion into an argument and left.
Hes left so he can use this opportunity to shoot his shot.

Fuck him, and fuck whatever excuse he crawls back with, because he will.

Everything upto the point of telling you he will go to her and walking out, and you not hearing from him over night would have been workable, but I think that's the line right there of where you'll never know what happened just you and your marriage was absolutely not his priority.

Instead of being insulted you thought that he was the sort to cheat on you, with a teenager, he pretty much told you he was going to her. That's not normal behaviour.

Louise303 · 02/10/2023 11:27

He told op

Orangetreexherry · 02/10/2023 11:29

OP, you P must feel pretty stupid now he realises there is no-one around he can gaslight. I'm sure he will back soon to try again

Noshowlomo · 02/10/2023 11:44

When my husband and I had been together about 5 months his ex added him and he accepted as he wanted to be the nice guy. I was raging, mostly because she put him through hell and tried to kill herself numerous times (like when his band was playing on stage !) and I said remove her. He did straight away. That’s what your partner should have done as you should be his priority. He is an absolute dick OP.

Tryingmybestadhd · 02/10/2023 11:46

Can you check his phone ?

Tryingmybestadhd · 02/10/2023 11:52

Sorry I just saw your update . I know it seems far fetched but have you tried asking your nice ? Or her mum or dad ? I’m assuming they are your sis yet and brother in law ?
There is something off , I say this from experience ( solicitor not my own ) but men only tend to leave like that when they are getting something elsewhere.

ToadOnTheHill · 02/10/2023 11:53

Even if he was 100% telling the truth, I would be livid about him saying he is going to see her after a fight. Because at best he would be fucking her, at worst he would be acting like such a fucking creep to actually call her to discuss his marriage problems. That's actually honestly fucking worse that he could be so disgusting. Somewhere in the middle is the idea he was just saying it to wind you up and a man that plays those mind games is a waster.

Seriously, the relationship is done and you need to see yourself as the party in control, not a sad single mum hanging on desperately hoping he forgives you for calling him on his shit and takes you back. Reframe the narrative if you want any power.

Rarely has a man turned my stomach as much as this. I couldn't even look at my husband if he did this.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 11:55

OP, I’ve just read through all of your posts and I’d say you have good reason to be suspicious. If he was innocent, he should have been horrified that he’d done anything to make you suspect something like this and would have done everything he could to reassure you. He should have sat you down and gone through his phone with you to prove there was no foundation to your suspicions - same with his social media accounts. But instead he’s effectively locked you out of them all.

He’s lied to you before about seeing another woman so it’s not as though he hasn’t got form for this. And to top it all he’s taunted you with the notion that when he left he went straight to see this girl. I would say that he’s escalated this so that either you ask him to leave or he has the excuse to go under his own steam.

I agree with others that he’ll likely be back and will probably try to excuse his behaviour by blaming you for suspecting him. I wouldn’t be listening to any more excuses. Are you married ? Who owns the house ? I’d be getting my ducks in a row and starting divorce proceedings. You’ll never trust him again so why put yourself and your family through it.

Rosscameasdoody · 02/10/2023 11:58

Tryingmybestadhd · 02/10/2023 11:52

Sorry I just saw your update . I know it seems far fetched but have you tried asking your nice ? Or her mum or dad ? I’m assuming they are your sis yet and brother in law ?
There is something off , I say this from experience ( solicitor not my own ) but men only tend to leave like that when they are getting something elsewhere.

I think it’s her partners’ niece, so it depends on what the relationship is like with her and the parents.