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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Partner and 18 year old?

324 replies

Cuppacakey · 01/10/2023 05:12

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not.
a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends.
Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner.
Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable?
we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

OP posts:
Mumof118 · 02/10/2023 18:48

Cuppacakey · 02/10/2023 18:37

He's messaged saying "maybe just maybe it's you that needs to change"

Unless you are trying to sleaze over 18 year old boys, it isn’t.

Yeahno · 02/10/2023 18:51

Find the strength, block the arsehole. It would be nothing but poison from here on. He can collect the rest of his shit from his niece.

CaroleSinger · 02/10/2023 18:57

Cuppacakey · 02/10/2023 18:37

He's messaged saying "maybe just maybe it's you that needs to change"

Maybe just maybe your life would be a lot happier without him in it xx

cheddercherry · 02/10/2023 18:58

You know, I think he’s onto something you do need a change, maybe try a tall, successful, handsome 34 year old with a preference for women his own age and a moral compass.

Maybe, just maybe you’ll be treated decently and get a partner that shows you respect then.

PandaExpress · 02/10/2023 19:09

You need to show him a show of strength now. He thinks he can maipulate you. I'd reply back "Who the f do you think you're talking to? You have shown yourself to be untrustworthy. If you dont respect me enough to at least be honest, piss off and don't darken my door again"

Orangetreexherry · 02/10/2023 19:15

Cuppacakey · 02/10/2023 18:37

He's messaged saying "maybe just maybe it's you that needs to change"

Hmmmm you've got me thinking, ask me again when the hell is frozen over in 20 years

I wouldn't take him seriously now, or try to reason with him, or explain myself, no, just have fun at his expense

When toy were trying to reason with him, what did he do? At least you are not gaslighting him

Orangetreexherry · 02/10/2023 19:17

*you, not toy

oksothisisusnow · 02/10/2023 19:33

Cuppacakey · 02/10/2023 18:37

He's messaged saying "maybe just maybe it's you that needs to change"

If you reply, PLEASE reply:
"You're right, I do need to change, I'm glad you've pointed out my failings.
First thing I will change, is the type of men I allow into my life and heart. I will not allow manipulative sleazebags in, in future.
The very fact that in our relationship you have had two inappropriate relationships with other females- I can't really say women considering the latest is a teenager! Has shown me that in some part I need to change, because the first time you did me wrong, you should have been out.

Now, don't contact me again unless it's to arrange contact with the children."

You deserve so much more OP.

WowOK · 02/10/2023 19:52

oksothisisusnow · 02/10/2023 19:33

If you reply, PLEASE reply:
"You're right, I do need to change, I'm glad you've pointed out my failings.
First thing I will change, is the type of men I allow into my life and heart. I will not allow manipulative sleazebags in, in future.
The very fact that in our relationship you have had two inappropriate relationships with other females- I can't really say women considering the latest is a teenager! Has shown me that in some part I need to change, because the first time you did me wrong, you should have been out.

Now, don't contact me again unless it's to arrange contact with the children."

You deserve so much more OP.

This @Cuppacakey.

You deserve better. He's trying to apportion blame. He has taken no responsibility. Of course you don't trust him. He's done it before. He's doing it now and he'll do it again. He's also extremely manipulative.

ToodlePipWeeee · 02/10/2023 20:00

Good grief, his reaction to your accusation speaks volumes! Whether or not he has done or would like to do anything with her is irrelevant partly as he has shown himself to be a right arsehole!
And he said all the usual shit about you being mental too didn't he!

TicTacNicNak · 02/10/2023 20:32

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP.

Even if the lift and photo taking was innocent, then the latter behaviour of locking his phone and changing his Messenger settings is questionable. There's no reason to do that unless you're trying to hide something.

His refusal to reassure you or distance himself from this girl shows he does not respect you or care about your feelings. Having seen this is the second time he's acted inappropriately with another woman/female then I think you'd be crazy to forgive him or take him back.

I don't know if the niece is the daughter of your sibling or his, but I'd certainly be mentioning to them about his behaviour (especially the secrecy bits) in the hope they won't facilitate him meeting with the 18 year old at theirs. Hopefully they'll be sickened by him too.

Beachwalker66 · 02/10/2023 20:51

So he has form for inappropriate behaviour. And he left saying he was going to see the 18 year old.

I think the trust has gone and this relationship is over. No point in dragging it out.

ZebraD · 02/10/2023 21:37

Wow the audacity of him to message that.
you know it’s over, I hope you get through this ok.

Catsmere · 02/10/2023 21:44

Cuppacakey · 02/10/2023 18:37

He's messaged saying "maybe just maybe it's you that needs to change"

Meaning "you need to silently accept me having sex with near-children whenever I want."

MsDogLady · 02/10/2023 22:31

Well there is certainly no authentic apology or accountability in his
passive-aggressive message. The digs and blame-shifting are there. ’You’re never satisfied and I can’t do anything right in your dramas. I’m going to stay away until you simmer down and make changes.’ That’s rich, since he’s the one who has been acting like a single man targeting a teen girl, even in public, and then turned into a vicious drama queen when you tried to have a measured conversation. He makes no mention of the issue at hand and gives no reassurance, not even an apology for his contemptuous behavior yesterday. He’s putting it all on you. He hopes to convince you that you’re overreacting so you’ll sweep it all.

Maybe just maybe it’s you who needs to change.

I’ve just seen this. It’s the gist of his longer message, in a nutshell. He accepts no responsibility and feels no remorse. He has zero concern for your feelings or respect for your boundaries. He believes he doesn’t have to answer to you, so you need to get with the program. He knows very well that he’s smitten with this teenager and that his actions have crossed lines, but he’s not going to admit that, not even anything minimal like, ‘I used poor judgment.’ That’s okay. You don’t need his agreement. You know what this is.

@Cuppacakey, you watched him make overtures in plain sight. Your description of observing their affectionate greeting, feeling like you didn’t exist when standing with them, and watching him move from your side to take her picture really packs a punch. His other recent behavior changes — taking his phone to the bathroom and constantly criticizing you — are from the Script 101.

He’s a repeat offender who is at it again, and he feels confident that he can bamboozle you. Feel your steel and don’t cave.

Mummysgogetter · 02/10/2023 22:44

“Maybe just maybe you’re the one that needs to change”
translation: “maybe just maybe you need to put up and shut up with me being a sleaze around almost-Child”

Alwayswildatheart · 02/10/2023 23:48

This with bells on!

Tell him to take a hike OP out of your life. He is not worthy of you. Thank goodness you have your head screwed on re house/ car etc. What does he contribute except drama?

Please get rid of this creep. Do not allow him to gaslight and blame shift. You deserve so much more. 💐

MsRosley · 03/10/2023 08:46

Cuppacakey · 02/10/2023 18:37

He's messaged saying "maybe just maybe it's you that needs to change"

'You're right. I'm going to start flirting and perving on 18 year old boys!"

Taketurn · 03/10/2023 10:19

I mean what does a 34 year old man wants with an 18 year old?

somethinghastochangesoon · 03/10/2023 10:36

Text him back and say "yes I do, starting with you" and get him gone. He is awful

Turfwars · 03/10/2023 11:52

"The only thing I need to change in my life is my relationship status to "single". Let me make it clear to you. We are over. We were over the moment you took an unhealthy interest in a barely legal teenage girl and then had the audacity to lie and gaslight me because your connection to her is more important to you than your reputation or your relationship. You disgust me"

Noshowlomo · 03/10/2023 18:57

What @Turfwars said. It’s perfect. Easier said than done but this man is an absolute waster

MsDogLady · 03/10/2023 20:39

How are you doing, @Cuppacakey?

hellohelp · 03/10/2023 20:45

Turfwars · 03/10/2023 11:52

"The only thing I need to change in my life is my relationship status to "single". Let me make it clear to you. We are over. We were over the moment you took an unhealthy interest in a barely legal teenage girl and then had the audacity to lie and gaslight me because your connection to her is more important to you than your reputation or your relationship. You disgust me"

Perfecttttt!!!

Cuppacakey · 03/10/2023 20:58

Hey! I'm just all over the place. Trying to keep busy so I don't think about things.
He's apologised. Deleted her from Facebook and said he's deleted photos also. He's said he won't give her attention again and that he rather solve things quickly and that I shouldn't go on and on as it annoys and upsets him.
That I should have said when it was happening to stop giving her attention or pulled him for a word. Haven't seen him since I told him to leave Sunday night.
I am very grateful for all who have commented and been supportive. It's been a great help being able to unload this all off and not been told I'm mental for thinking or picking up vibes x

OP posts: