Partner and 18 year old?

[Cuppacakey]

Feel silly for writing this but need others views to see if I’m looking at it wrong or not.
a few months ago I found out by overhearing my 17 year old partners niece and him talk that he gave a lift to one of her friends.
Fast forward to last night (partners nieces 18th birthday party) myself and partner and our daughters attended. Our youngest daughter was dancing on the dance floor and said 18 year old dancing with her. My partner got up and took photos of our daughter with 18 year old. Now I thought that was odd. My partner wasn’t taking any photos of myself with daughters on dance floor? Later the said 18 year old came outside and my partner gave her a hug and kiss and said hello. He did put his arm around me and when I tried to make conversation with her she still didn’t give me any eye contact and just spoke and looked at my partner.
Am I reading this completely wrong or the vibes I picked up are questionable?
we are 34 and 35 and it just felt all a bit weird to me.

Good for you for not replying straight away. He needs to stew on this until what he stands to lose sinks in and he starts to realise what he did that concerned you to the extent that you had to confront him. When he reaches that point then perhaps you can have a conversation about where your relationship goes from there.

Interesting how he still hasn’t reassured you (or even mentioned) the actual issue here which is the inappropriate behaviour towards a 17 year old. Even if he said he was hurt/annoyed you could even think anything like that of him would be better than ignoring it! I also think the worst part was when he said he was going to meet the girl when he left. Is he just going to pretend he didn’t say that now? Surely that needs to be addressed at the very least!

That’s such a pathetic non apology!! ‘I’m sorry yuu you’re a paranoid nagging nightmare but I like it when you wash my pants, so can I come back?’

God some of these responses. 18 year olds get crushes, warn him to be careful round her. For gods sake, it’s the opposite, 35 year old male predator round an 18 year old.

op, I’m sorry this has happened, he’s clearly got the hots for this young woman, and trying it on. I think you need to keep him gone. Perving in his nieces mates is grim as fuck.

I honestly don't think he sees he's done anything wrong. Because surely if he thought maybe that wasn't right of me if it can be seen that way then he'd say sorry? Or even a "sorry for saying those things and upsetting you, I didn't mean it"
Nothing. I just feel sick from it all.

Well no, saying sorry in his head is admitting it.

How old are your kids OP?

Does he actually contribute to the relationship? Is he helping you sort childcare/school runs/activities etc whilst he's gone?

Or has him fucking off had very little impact on your day to day life?

I wouldn't throw him under the bus for the lift, Facebook or the party (He did put his arm around you when he introduced you) My question is how long has he known the girl?? Since she was a kid? Does he see himself as the cool uncle of his neice and her friends?
It's the weird behaviour with the phone afterwards that is the main concern and the red flag. Innocent people, even if outraged at the suggestion of wrong doing, would show you the phone.

Hes re-writing the story...
That message is nothing but a manipulation tactic OP. It's not even a non apology, he's literally just got a script on the go, you're the problem, he loves you, but he has to be away, from you, your nagging, your unhappiness. He wants to be with you, you just need time to sort yourself out.

No mention of this girl either...

I hope you see what he's doing, and what he's telling you is the version of his story he expects you to believe. I wonder what he's told 18 yo girl and everyone else?

Ugh. He's grim OP.

He didn't introduce me. He gave her a hug and kiss and went straight into talking. I noticed she was fixated on him so tried joining in on the conversation and she didn't even look at me and continued to only talk with him.
He did not greet other nieces friends with a hug or kiss or take photos of them. Even the me girl we have seen a few times and had a meal with a few days before :/

Sorry that was meant to say another girl we've seen several times and had a meal with mid week (nieces birthday meal with family and chosen friend)
I don't understand why he didn't greet her the same with hugs and kisses. Just this one girl :/

@Cuppacakey i think you DO know why he didn’t greet anyone else this way, but it’s very difficult to accept it.
He’s a cheat, and he doesn’t want to say sorry, because a) he’s not sorry - he’s enjoying himself and b) saying sorry acknowledges he’s done wrong, and he doesn’t want to.
He’s treated you with utter contempt, has shown you no consideration/empathy whatsoever, and is gaslighting you by saying you’re ‘mental’ etc etc. It’s all a major shock for you, and hard to accept, but this is who he is. A slimy slug. I add my voice to the chorus saying get rid. You’d tell your daughter that if she was in your shoes. You deserve SO much better than this liar.

Did you miss the fact that he has form for this ? Or that as soon as the OP asked him to leave, he announced he was going to this girl ? Or the fact that having presumably done that he announced in his text message that he was staying put until the OP wanted a ‘fresh start’. I also think that the fact he put his arm around OP at the time is relevant - it could be seen as sending a message to this girl not to give things away. OP has already said the girl couldn’t meet her eye when talking to her, so she was clearly nervous.

So many apologists for his appalling behaviour on being called out too.

all I want in life just without the drama

This actually not true, otherwise he wouldn't be creating all these creepiness and secrecy, changing passwords and everything else he did. I'd say he loves drama, and having two women fighting over him

@Rosscameasdoody @Cuppacakey I think I was just trying to play devil's advocate, for a bit of balance. It does seem incredibly likely that he's either done something with the girl or was planning to.

“There is no drama, I have ended our relationship due to your inappropriate “friendship” with a teenage girl.

I will be in touch in due course to discuss access arrangements with the children and child maintenance payments. Please arrange to collect the rest of your things as soon as you are able to”.

Dick.

@PandaExpress I've done the same. No one wants to think like that of their partner but it just didn't sit right with me. I've tried all sorts of innocent scenarios in my head of how I've got it all wrong but he hasn't reassured me that nothing has gone on or made me feel safe in the slightest. The greeting and feeling like I didn't exist standing next to them was one thing but when he got up from the table with me and started taking photos alarm bells were ringing.

Is the caravan somewhere he is likely to take the teenager? Could you surprise him there? That latest message is awful. He’s saying he’s sorry he’s being blamed for doing nothing wrong. However far it has or hasn’t went, he’s still not innocent

You've got your head screwed on right OP. House and car in your name, full time job. You'll be just fine in time.

You're also very switched on to listen to your instincts on this. His message has reinforced the fact he isn't remotely willing to consider he's behaved inappropriately. Instead he's trying to put it all on you.

Start building your life, just you and the kids.

His message to you informs, that he would like to stay away until you become so desperate that you’ll accept him back without any questions.

This man hasn’t promised to be better. He has told you to accept his behaviour.

He believes that you cannot live without him. He may not think you are willing to leave, because history taught him you’d stay.

I’d also be wondering if he had a guest at his holiday home. The fact he says ‘make a fresh start one day’ also suggests that he sees himself as quite free and single to do as he pleases until “you” (he means he) is ready to settle down again.

Marriages can be repaired when both parties want that. Your husband doesn’t and I’m sorry about that. You truly deserve and no doubt can do better than this sleaze bag.

This is perfect.

He's messaged saying "maybe just maybe it's you that needs to change"

Urgh! How manipulative of him! Stay strong 💐

Tell him to fuck right off to the far side of fuck off, and when he gets there, to fuck off some more !! He’s trying to pin this on you for suspecting him in the first place. Don’t engage with it OP. Tell him you don’t want any more communication with him because he clearly has no intention of explaining himself. His relationship with this girl, his refusal to show you his phone, his actions in hiding his phone and social media content from you and where exactly he went when he left, have all been left hanging in the air - deliberately to unsettle you. The more he behaves like this, the more guilty he looks - he’s trying to deflect the whole thing onto you.