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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

292 replies

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:09

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

OP posts:
FoodCentre · 01/10/2023 10:55

HoldOnMiGenna · 01/10/2023 07:25

Afro: "Why the fuck am I in this?".

Chances are, if OP had a child for a Black man, she may expect her child to have hair that grows up or sideways. However, I don't know if it's bad diet, but I have seen dark skinned 4c Black men with biracial children with nary a coil, much less a kink in their hair.
And the "What if she had an afro?" question to guilt the OP surely wasn't based on the negligible probability of two White flaxen haired people bearing a White child with an afro, surely?

For all the virtual signallers, I bet you wouldn't dare ask why Afro hair isn't seen as nice looking for too many Black women to the point of flinging scalp tearing extension braids in pre pubescent girls' scalps. Let's not mention the spending of more money on hair from poor developing world women's scalps than on the gym and healthy food in too many cases.

I say this as a Black woman and somebody who thinks that the OP is deluded if she thinks that her daughter not being good looking to the point that she subconsciously sees herself in the behaviour of her child's aunt is not going to be picked up by said child. A child whose mother cannot bring herself to compare said her to blonde haired humans as the one point of physical praise.

I have no idea what this means, and are you actually black? I'm not convinced.

FoodCentre · 01/10/2023 10:56

coughsneezecough · 01/10/2023 07:46

@Didimum

"I'll admit my Daughter isn't that good looking"

Isn't that good looking = Unattractive.

Synonyms of unattractive (adj. ugly)

•	disgusting.
•	repugnant.
•	repulsive.
•	unappealing.
•	bad-looking.
•	beastly.
•	deformed.
•	disfigured.

Sure thing, the OP is a delight!

You're seriously reaching here.

Bex5490 · 01/10/2023 11:01

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:33

There is no problem with dark hair, but I like blonde hair, and if it's natural, I think it can be very pretty, especially in the sunlight.

People are always bleaching and dyeing their hair to get the type of blonde hair my daughter naturally has. That's what I mean. It's her best feature. It's a golden, sandy colour, like a golden retriever.

Show quote history

Lol @ like a golden retriever! ‘I don’t think my daughter’s pretty but at least she has attractive dog coloured hair!’ 😂😂😂 Unbelievable!

Teaandbiscuits60 · 01/10/2023 11:11

Op that’s awful and I know what you mean. My dd is now 30+ and a real beauty but when younger compared to another child regarding her looks. More than looks my dd is grounded, savvy with money, owns her own house and business and generally well rounded in terms of her mental health. The other “beautiful “ fawned over child is withdrawn, lives with her boyfriends parents, doesn’t own a house hasn’t been grounded, is not savvy with money and is not well rounded and secure in herself. Perhaps if individuals had praised for more than her looks it would have had a better effect??

KimberleyClark · 01/10/2023 11:23

I can’t imagine anyone being so horrible to their own niece.

KimberleyClark · 01/10/2023 11:28

Bex5490 · 01/10/2023 11:01

Lol @ like a golden retriever! ‘I don’t think my daughter’s pretty but at least she has attractive dog coloured hair!’ 😂😂😂 Unbelievable!

Show quote history

Golden retrievers are beautiful. And I wouldn’t mind having the same colour hair as a red setter either. “Dog coloured hair” is not the insult you seem to think.

for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?
PixieLaLar · 01/10/2023 11:28

Your daughters best feature is that she has hair like a dog… LOL 🤣

StephanieSuperpowers · 01/10/2023 16:31

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 10:54

It’s sad how this mum who was looking for support over her child being sidelined and excluded by her own aunt is being roasted for a bit of awkward wording as she was trying to grapple with reasons why the aunt might have acted the way she did. It’s really derailed the thread in my opinion.

I suppose though, we are looking at the situation through the OP's perception. The aunt's view might be very different.

CakeInAJar · 01/10/2023 17:06

@brielliance

I guess to you and others like @Festivemoose, physical beauty is a really, really important trait. To me there are more important things.

It’s a REALLY weird assumption to make to say that because I recognise my children are beautiful that ‘physical beauty must be the most important thing to me’. Can you delve further into how you reached that conclusion from my 2 paragraph post?

Or are you being obtuse to make a point that you’re so deep and wise?? I suspect it’s the latter

Bex5490 · 01/10/2023 17:26

KimberleyClark · 01/10/2023 11:28

Golden retrievers are beautiful. And I wouldn’t mind having the same colour hair as a red setter either. “Dog coloured hair” is not the insult you seem to think.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t mind having the same coloured hair as most dogs tbh and I didn’t think it was meant as an insult - I just thought it was quite a funny comparison!

PeachCastle · 01/10/2023 18:07

"My ugly child's only saving grace is that she has the hair of a Golden Retriever".

Mumsnet GOLD!!! 😂

Holliegee · 02/10/2023 19:19

The Aunt is unpleasant either by choice or by nature.

Your daughter is beautiful because all little girls are, even the ones with gappy teeth and freckles ( these are examples that children have given me themselves as to why they aren’t pretty or popular etc) ALL children are beautiful, all
of them are blessed with the innocence of youth and simply by having a spark of youth.
I have never met a physically ugly person yet - I known many who are ugly by personality though.

cruisebaba1 · 02/10/2023 19:23

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 23:13

Op sorry you're being given such a hard time here when you've come on mn hoping for a safe space to be honest

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This 100%. 🙄

Tandora · 02/10/2023 19:26

Eek OP it sounds like you are projecting. It really doesn’t matter what this woman thinks about how attractive your child is. Don’t give it a second thought.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 02/10/2023 19:43

@HelloHilda

I think your daughter is in for a rough ride in life, if her own MOTHER thinks she is not good looking. Good grief !!! Have a word with yourself! Shock

@HelloHilda

So you're saying if your child wasn't good looking, you wouldn't notice? Like, you see your child as forever flawless just because you're the mother?

Sorry, but I can't be that blind or deluded.

WTAF????????????????! Shock

Also, as has been said, who gives a shiny shite what others think?!

Pinkclouds80 · 02/10/2023 19:46

Thank goodness for this sensible comment!

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 02/10/2023 19:47

Bex5490 · 01/10/2023 11:01

Lol @ like a golden retriever! ‘I don’t think my daughter’s pretty but at least she has attractive dog coloured hair!’ 😂😂😂 Unbelievable!

Show quote history

This. ^ I can't believe what I'm reading here tbh! Shock

oakleaffy · 02/10/2023 19:52

BabblesDevine · 01/10/2023 08:48

Of course it's normal in white culture to find blonde hair particularly desirable.
It's a subconscious thing: outside of Scandinavia the vast majority of children with light bright blonde hair will lose it. There are even adults with dark brown hair who started out white blonde. Hence blondness is a fleeting phenomenon that becomes subconsciously linked to youth and rareness.

This is true about natural 'golden' hair not lasting.

I had really bright blonde hair as a child, but it started to darken towards age 40.
My son's hair was the same- dark eyelashes but blonde hair.

My very favourite hair colour in teen years was a mahogany brown with reddish glints- I SO wanted that colour as a teenager that I henna'd my hair and what a horror!

It didn't go mahogany coloured, but bright carroty orange as the underlying hair colour was so light.

It took a few years to grow out.

RandalsAunty · 02/10/2023 20:15

I’m with this on you OP. I can’t stand deluded parents cooing over their own children. There are ugly children and there are just average looking as well as very pretty, same as adults. Wish parents were a little more objective… and it might actually save their children heartbreak later in their live, particularly on teenage years, teens are honest if not nasty. Focus on pretty features but don’t lie or give them false view of themselves.

AlexaCanYouHearMe · 02/10/2023 20:20

FFS! 🙄

WeHaveChocIcesInTheFreezer · 02/10/2023 20:24

It sounds like the two of you don’t get on particularly well, so this behaviour may be more to do with her not wanting to compliment you (and by extension your daughter).

Either way, if she’s as shallow as you’ve implied then I would just shrug it off as her been a cow and not any reflection on your daughter. I understand your instinct to take offence on her behalf, but sadly some people are just rude and you can’t change that so don’t waste energy dwelling over it.

And to those saying OP is horrible for not declaring her child to be the most beautiful child to have ever lived, calm down, a parent can still love their child unconditionally and think they are beautiful, but concede they may not be the most ‘conventionally’ attractive to others.

Purpleyogamat · 02/10/2023 20:59

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:33

There is no problem with dark hair, but I like blonde hair, and if it's natural, I think it can be very pretty, especially in the sunlight.

People are always bleaching and dyeing their hair to get the type of blonde hair my daughter naturally has. That's what I mean. It's her best feature. It's a golden, sandy colour, like a golden retriever.

Show quote history

"she isn't that good looking" and "her hair is her best feature"....

....and then you compare her to a dog.

Wow.

Kazzybingbong · 02/10/2023 21:51

WTF?! Why are we talking about kids being ‘good looking’, your own child being, in your opinion, ugly and saying she has hair like a golden retriever?

This is so weird.

Kazzybingbong · 02/10/2023 21:54

RandalsAunty · 02/10/2023 20:15

I’m with this on you OP. I can’t stand deluded parents cooing over their own children. There are ugly children and there are just average looking as well as very pretty, same as adults. Wish parents were a little more objective… and it might actually save their children heartbreak later in their live, particularly on teenage years, teens are honest if not nasty. Focus on pretty features but don’t lie or give them false view of themselves.

Or maybe we should be empowering our children to appreciate their body and face no matter how it looks? Why is having confidence in yourself such a negative?

It’s disgusting talking about giving kids a false view of themselves. If they like how they look, what the fuck does it matter how anyone thinks they look? That’s a really good way to make an insecure adult that pumps their face full of fillers.

cassy16 · 02/10/2023 21:55

I think you are noticing superficial differences between your own child and others and it’s bothering you subconsciously more then you think and your pushing your own thoughts on to others like you said in your post “she isn’t that good looking”

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