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Original poster

for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

292 replies

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:09

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

OP posts:
Millybob · 30/09/2023 22:37

You can't really coo 'Isn't she beautiful?" when a child just - isn't. And you're the one who said that. You'd have been complaining that she sounded insincere if she did.

MetalFences · 30/09/2023 22:37

You don't like her, she doesn't like you.

She either couldn't bring herself to fawn all over your DD's retriever locks or she just couldn't be arsed with social niceties because she doesn't like you.

It's unlikely that she doles out compliments based on a looks ranking system.

Giving her dirty looks probably didn't help.

MariePaperRoses · 30/09/2023 22:38

Oh come on! It's not about your child at all and you know it.

She doesn't like YOU.

You said she lived with you and probably from then she realised you and her were at odds.

A

Confusion101 · 30/09/2023 22:39

The more you comment, the more sorry I feel for your daughter! You have made horrible comments about her. I can honestly say that both I and my partner think our daughter is the most gorgeous little girl on this earth! I would never dream of calling her "not good looking"!

You wouldn't have liked if your SIL came over and said comments you thought were fake about your DD either so just leave well enough alone with her and reflect on your own issues and importance on looks and compliments!

Original poster
HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:40

MariePaperRoses · 30/09/2023 22:38

Oh come on! It's not about your child at all and you know it.

She doesn't like YOU.

You said she lived with you and probably from then she realised you and her were at odds.

A

But she likes her brother, who is the father of my child. Why exclude his child?

Also, there's never been any fighting between us, so there's no reason to hate me so outwardly.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:43

Confusion101 · 30/09/2023 22:39

The more you comment, the more sorry I feel for your daughter! You have made horrible comments about her. I can honestly say that both I and my partner think our daughter is the most gorgeous little girl on this earth! I would never dream of calling her "not good looking"!

You wouldn't have liked if your SIL came over and said comments you thought were fake about your DD either so just leave well enough alone with her and reflect on your own issues and importance on looks and compliments!

We're not all capable of parental delusion. There's no need to feel sorry for my daughter; she will never know I don't find her pretty. Why would I ever say any of this to her?

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 30/09/2023 22:45

So what did your SIL do wrong again?

jannier · 30/09/2023 22:46

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:33

There is no problem with dark hair, but I like blonde hair, and if it's natural, I think it can be very pretty, especially in the sunlight.

People are always bleaching and dyeing their hair to get the type of blonde hair my daughter naturally has. That's what I mean. It's her best feature. It's a golden, sandy colour, like a golden retriever.

Show quote history

I'm worried for your daughter hitting puberty when you're already so focused on best features I've never heard a parent talk this way god help her if she doesn't have the body shape you like.
Booster her self esteem and stop focusing on looks

Confusion101 · 30/09/2023 22:52

@HelloHilda do you ever compliment her?

As a matter of interest did you tell her she looked nice at the wedding?

Allthingsdecember · 30/09/2023 22:55

I’m more shocked that you don’t think your daughter is good looking.

It’s not delusional for most people to think that their children are beautiful… all children are beautiful in their own way.

Are you sure she deliberately missed out your daughter? It sounds like you could be projecting.

Festivemoose · 30/09/2023 22:59

I know it sounds cold, but I'm not one of those biased parents who sees beauty that isn't there. I'll obviously never say any of this to my daughter out loud.

This is a fucking disgusting thing to say about your child.

jenpil · 30/09/2023 23:00

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:43

We're not all capable of parental delusion. There's no need to feel sorry for my daughter; she will never know I don't find her pretty. Why would I ever say any of this to her?

Show quote history

@Confusion101

@HelloHilda Well, who's to say you won't say it in the heat of an argument when she's a teenager?

Your resentment towards her lack of prettiness may fester more and more, and you may end up hating her.
You may also end up hating yourself for these thoughts.

After all, your daughter is 50% you, so where does her lack of prettiness come from?

Beauty is from within. I'm sure your daughter has it in spades, and as she gets older, she will become prettier, and quite possibly beautiful.

As I remember from my school days, all the nerdy, "ugly" Year 7 girls looked liked models by Year 11. Things change.

sevenandone · 30/09/2023 23:00

I'm struggling to understand all the criticism about the OP supposedly not thinking her daughter is good looking. Isn't it kind of obvious that she means 'classically good looking child of a type that would be chosen for an advertisement' and not 'I think my daughter is ugly'? Obviously all parents think their children are beautiful, but I'll say give credit to the OP for not thinking that everyone else should see that. Too many can't see that.

Sorry about the experience OP. Hope you gave your daughter lots of praise and that others did too!

MotherOfRatios · 30/09/2023 23:01

I worry for your child because your opinions will rub off, what if a child had an Afro is that not 'beautiful' to you just because it can't be achieved at a salon.

you're the one with issues

Moveoverdarlin · 30/09/2023 23:07

…like a golden retriever…LOL…this gets worse.

KrisAkabusi · 30/09/2023 23:08

Forgotmylogindetails · 30/09/2023 22:28

@HelloHilda

its just odd the first thought is “oh it’s because my child isn’t as good looking as the others “

maybe the woman doesn’t like you, maybe she finds your child annoying , maybe she was bored of talking to kids.

But you focus on looks.

maybe it’s you with the issues.

Completely this. I don't understand why you're jumping to "she thinks she's ugly".

squareyedannie · 30/09/2023 23:08

@Moveoverdarlin Sounds like a wind-up.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 23:10

Yanbu she's nasty and should have been more sensitive. There is something to compliment all children (all humans) about and even if you don't want to say something nice about their appearance you can still have a nice kind chat to each child .
I'm sorry if your dd felt left out. I would expect DH to follow up with his ds about this

bryceQ · 30/09/2023 23:10

Is it not the case that she doesn't like you so she didn't bother with your daughter. She doesn't sound very nice.

Mummy08m · 30/09/2023 23:11

It's not "parental delusion" to think your own child is beautiful.

On the contrary, I think you're bonkers if you think there's such a thing as an objective scale of beauty.

If you love someone, you think they're beautiful. That's it. My dh might have been balding since his early 20s but I think he looks like an angel. My dd is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen and I could just gaze at her for hours.

Op I think you are cold and shallow and have messed up ideas of what beauty actually is. It's not a tick box list of attributes like a bloody RPG stat. It just means sparks joy in the eye of the beholder. No doubt the majority of people wouldn't find me beautiful but my dh and dd light up whenever they see me. That's what beauty is.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 23:11

Forgotmylogindetails · 30/09/2023 22:28

@HelloHilda

its just odd the first thought is “oh it’s because my child isn’t as good looking as the others “

maybe the woman doesn’t like you, maybe she finds your child annoying , maybe she was bored of talking to kids.

But you focus on looks.

maybe it’s you with the issues.

Op isn't focusing on looks the SIL was complimenting and talking about looks

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 23:13

Festivemoose · 30/09/2023 22:59

I know it sounds cold, but I'm not one of those biased parents who sees beauty that isn't there. I'll obviously never say any of this to my daughter out loud.

This is a fucking disgusting thing to say about your child.

Op sorry you're being given such a hard time here when you've come on mn hoping for a safe space to be honest

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 23:15

MotherOfRatios · 30/09/2023 23:01

I worry for your child because your opinions will rub off, what if a child had an Afro is that not 'beautiful' to you just because it can't be achieved at a salon.

you're the one with issues

Op isn't a racist just because she thinks her daughters blonde hair is pretty, lots of people tbink blonde hair is pretty (including Beyoncé) and spent a lot of money on highlights

Confusion101 · 30/09/2023 23:16

Saying "she's not good looking but she's got blonde hair...... Like a golden retriever" is not the compliment OP thinks it is 🥴

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 30/09/2023 23:16

Mummy08m · 30/09/2023 23:11

It's not "parental delusion" to think your own child is beautiful.

On the contrary, I think you're bonkers if you think there's such a thing as an objective scale of beauty.

If you love someone, you think they're beautiful. That's it. My dh might have been balding since his early 20s but I think he looks like an angel. My dd is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen and I could just gaze at her for hours.

Op I think you are cold and shallow and have messed up ideas of what beauty actually is. It's not a tick box list of attributes like a bloody RPG stat. It just means sparks joy in the eye of the beholder. No doubt the majority of people wouldn't find me beautiful but my dh and dd light up whenever they see me. That's what beauty is.

It's literally not. Op is talking about conventional vs non conventional attractiveness whcih exists even if we wish it didn't- get down off your high horse she is upset on behalf of her daughter