for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

[HelloHilda]

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

This is it. Ask your daughter what she thinks about different issues and different options. Listen to her. That is going to raise her self-esteem.

Isn’t it because she doesn’t know the others as well so is trying to gee them up? It sounds like she doesn’t get on with you very well.

She will absolutely know you don't think she is good looking. Trust me on this. You will tell her in a thousand ways and won't know you are doing it. I was that child and I knew without being told outright. Also, I wasn't stupid. I had access to mirrors and could see the difference between me and my pretty peers. And, of course, my crueller peers wasted no time in telling me. I get being honest with yourself about your child, I really do, but it's not that you acknowledge that your daughter isn't a stunner, it's more that I think it matters to you. If it didn't, you wouldn't care about what the relative said. It obviously bothers you she isn't a looker. Why is it so important?

Talk about projecting OP - you really need to think about how you think about your daughter and why you are placing so much weight on her looks. The fact so many people on this thread disagree with you should give you some food for thought. It's not that we are all delusional and that somehow you can see the truth and are therefore a better more honest parent. A lot of people on here can see the damage you are doing in your pursuit of being truthful. I wonder what other truths you hold about your DD? Your SIL could be a bitch as well. The two things aren't mutually exclusive, but you can't control her actions. However you can think about how you reacted and why it was so upsetting to you. It's ok for you to honestly tell strangers your DD isn't attractive but by the same turn you expect someone else to lie and compliment her looks. Maybe your SIL thinks exactly the same you do.

Absolutely nobody accused the OP of being racist, so please don’t even! She is, however, very focused on looks. Because her SIL didn’t compliment her child, she automatically assumes it’s because her child isn’t pretty, rather than assume the SIL just doesn’t like OP or her child.

I think this is what you need to focus on, at the end of the day.

Though praising other children and excluding one is really fucking nasty and YANBU for raging about what a nasty arse she is.

Quite probably the most batshit thread I'll read this month!

Op I would advise you to be careful about this if you want to continue a close relationship with your daughter.

I don’t look like an instagram model, and although my mother hasn’t explicitly told me that she thinks i’m not good looking, it’s still very clear to me that she doesn’t think i’m beautiful. She even had to be coaxed for hours by my bridesmaid to tell me i looked lovely on my wedding day.

The fact that I don’t look like Angelina Jolie hasn’t impacted my life whatsoever, but my mum’s attitude means we are not close.

Please reframe your thinking. Not directly telling someone that they are not good looking isn’t enough.

What an utterly shocking thread. Complaining about this woman finding your daughter ugly , in your own head whilst utterly putting your own kid down so much.

at least the other woman said nothing. You are struggling to keep your horrible vain thoughts to yourself. Your daughter is beautiful. In her own way. Her not talking to her was about you and the fact you’re horrible and nothing to do with your kid

You and your SIL don't like each other, from your post she does sound unpleasant, but why would you seek approval for your daughter from someone like that?
It should be like water off a duck's back.
To me it sounds like you're disappointed your daughter is not 'pretty' in your eyes, so you're extra sensitive about it.
Which makes me very sad for your daughter.
This thread is unpleasant, using your child's appearance as an excuse to essentially moan about your SIL's behaviour.

People really are going over the top here. It is possible to adore your child whilst accepting that they don’t meet society’s current standards of what is conventionally attractive. And being capable of that level of objectivity does not automatically make someone a bad parent.

I have friends who now laugh at how much they thought their little baby was beautiful and cute when in fact, they were just potato lumps at that time. They still adore their children but laugh at their early newborn ‘blindness’. It means nothing in the context of a loving relationship.

My daughter was pretty beautiful at birth. My son took six months to ‘grow into’ his looks 😂I could see that at the time. They were both still perfect to me.

Most people don’t have supermodel children. And most parents know that, whilst thinking their kids is gorgeous to them. Are parents who don’t think their child is the most stunning in the world, dooming them to an unloved life of emotional neglect? Of course not. Some ridiculous comments here.

‘Op I would advise you to be careful about this if you want to continue a close relationship with your daughter.’

So what exactly do you suggest OP does? She does not think her daughter is pretty. The thought has come into her head. What should she do with that thought other than not act on it? Automatic thoughts are not easy to change. Most people are not ‘pretty’. That’s ok. I am interested in what you think the OP needs to do.

I am not into judging people’s thoughts and feelings. Actions and behaviour yes.

I have a feeling that SiL possibly knew exactly what she was doing and continued even when she knew you were watching hing and aware. Probably got a big buzz from it.

This has nothing to do whether your DD is beautiful or not but you seem very down on it, I hope your daughter does not pick up these vibes your giving iff!

I applaud OP for recognising that their child might not be a looker. It’s refreshing to hear something other than “my kids are so beautiful” when they’re clearly deluded and biased.

OP she was being a cow regardless, it would just be polite to give her a compliment - even if it wasn’t about her appearance. Horrid woman. I bet the other parents felt mortified too. My daughter attended a hobby 2 weeks ago and the staff were all saying “omg she is gorgeous” and I actually felt mortified that all the other kids and parents weren’t getting such comments.

looks aren’t everything but she sounds awful

This

This is NOTHING to do with your child's prettiness.

You are attaching the meaning of what happened to the fact that your daughter 'isn't good looking'.

Could this be more to do with the fact that your SIL was more comfortable talking to her own family members and their kids (maybe her sister's kids?) rather than her Brother's kid.

I suspect it's very very little to do with what your child LOOKS like.

@HelloHilda I think some people are missing the point on here. I agree, SIL doesn't need to compliment your child, but if she is going to compliment everyone else, then this is telling isn't it?! Who does that to a child?! It may be that she is getting at you through your child. Sounds like you need a strategy for the future, and tbh I would be limiting contact with SIL for a number of reasons, when possible.

She sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant person, and it may be a bit of the 'bitch eating crackers' thing going on.
I hate my SIL, I was forced to spend some time with her at the weekend, and I was annoyed by her very presence. Entirely my problem.

She needs to be nice to everyone, or no one. Unfortunately you aren't going to change her, or persuade her, and a word from her brother probably won't work.
A strategy going forward is your best plan. If your DD does notice, you need a child friendly explanation, that doesn't include the very obvious fact that SIL is a bit of a cow. Sympathies. Been there, got the t shirt.

Jesus Christ.

Op has said she won’t be actively telling her daughter that she is not good looking. What i’ve said in my post, and other posters have also said is that’s not good enough. Not saying it out loud doesn’t mean that her daughter won’t still pick up on her thoughts, so OP should still try her best to give the impression she thinks her daughter is beautiful, inside and out.

’Most people are not pretty’. Such a shallow outlook on life.

The op wasn’t criticising her daughters looks. She’s saying whilst not a stunner, she’s not totally ugly. Aka normal looking. She was upset that her dd might be upset because she was obviously the only one not complimented. People on here are focusing on totally the wrong thing. I’d be upset too on my dds behalf. She’s not upset for herself, just for how it might make her dd feel.

She didn’t compliment your dd because she doesn’t like you op. It’s not about your dd.

Would far rather teach my daughter beauty is subjective, we all view things differently, what's "good looking" to one isn't to another, than to have her believe she doesn't conform to the societal description of good looking, whatever that even is!!

I'm going to go half against the grain of most of what I read, as I was your daughter, you are my mum. She was never one of those to say things or agree to things that weren't true, and other parents were on occasion shocked. She is one of the most caring, lovely people on this given earth but she wasn't going to pretend I was something I wasn't. That didn't mean she ever made me feel rubbish about myself, simply that she'd tell me everything positive about me that she did see - and that included that she thought I was beautiful, because even though she knew I wasn't a stunner I was beautiful to her as her daughter. She said it, she meant it, but that didn't mean she couldn't also acknowledge differently when being objective.

My self-esteem was always rubbish until I got through school, but that had nothing to do with my mum, and everything to do with the bounty of peer bullies - half of whom in primary school had gushing, doting parents believing they were perfect and could do no wrong (#private school - so delightful darlings abound!).

So I just wanted to say, whilst there is of course value in what others are saying and I can't know how you are conveying yourself or how your daughter is perceiving things, I don't believe your way of thinking by default needs to change. It can be done without harming the child and there's plenty other issues caused by inflating egos too. I am personally so grateful my mum was the way she was and has left me with realism.

On the issue of your SIL, I believe you can judge her for her, and if that's your understanding of what was going on I have no doubt it was. Especially considering her history. But I think the resounding response to that is the opinion of someone that shallow is really not worth your time or your daughters. So she thinks she's ugly. You know what's more ugly? Someone that shallow. As they say, looks can change but she'll likely be that disgustingly shallow for life. Forget her, focus instead on your daughter seeing all the positives in herself.

What have I just read?!

Your child isn’t pretty and has hair like a dog (golden retriever) - which you seem to think is a compliment (the only one you can muster about the poor girl).

speechless

I think it sounds more likely that your SIL doesn’t like you and wanted to avoid you. I’m
not at all surprised, your comments about your own daughter are horrible and you sound incredibly difficult and bitter.

You said your daughter isn’t good looking and her best feature is her hair? Yet you say your SIL is the one bothered about looks. This isn’t an issue with SIL, you are the big problem here. What kind of parent says that about their own child? Your poor daughter, they aren’t stupid, she will pick up on the way you see her and it will impact the way she sees herself. Stop worrying about other people and sort your own views out, that’s what will make the biggest difference to your daughter.