Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

292 replies

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:09

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

OP posts:
Didimum · 01/10/2023 08:53

coughsneezecough · 01/10/2023 07:46

@Didimum

"I'll admit my Daughter isn't that good looking"

Isn't that good looking = Unattractive.

Synonyms of unattractive (adj. ugly)

•	disgusting.
•	repugnant.
•	repulsive.
•	unappealing.
•	bad-looking.
•	beastly.
•	deformed.
•	disfigured.

Sure thing, the OP is a delight!

“I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly”

I ask again, can you read?

Firecarrier · 01/10/2023 08:55

What a lot if really weird judgmental posts!

As a mother of several I beleive it is perfectly OK to be objectively aware of your child's looks, so long as it doesn't impact your feelings etc

Personally think it's more weird all of these deluded mothers saying how physically stunning their child is (statistically impossible)

It doesn't mean you value them less as a person or love them any less and of course no need to vocalise it!

This woman was clearly rude, not sure why people are rushing to defend her.

I think the over emotional and nasty responses are because you know deep down you're a bit deluded - and that's OK - we all see beauty in our children but it doesn't mean you have to be nasty to the OP.

flutterby1 · 01/10/2023 08:58

Why do you need someone else's validation? If you think your child looks fab, that's all that matters

Firecarrier · 01/10/2023 08:58

I'd add also that at times I have thought I had the most gorgeous baby/toddler etc. My son regularly had people approach him as an older teen and say how incredibly good looking he was but I think they go through different stages - lanky teen etc and I don't think that thus far all of my children have been the best looking on the planet but I don't care because it's not important to me

Lampzade · 01/10/2023 09:00

Op, I have read your posts and tbh I think the main problem your daughter has is that she has a mother who is very negative about her ( your dd’s) appearance.
You are being very naive if you think that your dd is not aware of how you view her.

CaptainJackSparrow85 · 01/10/2023 09:00

I don’t think it’s at all weird to have some objectivity about your child’s attributes. It’s much better (both for the child and for people who have to listen to you) than being one of those awful deluded parents who thinks their offspring is a model, the next Einstein, and Mother Theresa all in one.

Nosleepforthismum · 01/10/2023 09:02

There are two things going on here. Yes, your SIL sounds like a cow but you talk about your daughter quite oddly. My daughter is only 6 months but she’s got big ears, wide shoulders, no hair and no eyebrows and frankly, sometimes when she laughs she looks exactly like uncle fester from the adams family. However, I utterly adore her and she is the cutest thing ever (especially when she laughs). I think you can be objective about your children’s features but I think PP’s are finding your language about your daughters hair being her only redeeming feature being really quite sad.

Mummy3Plus1 · 01/10/2023 09:04

I hardly ever comment on this page and I tried not to here but your post and replies are disgusting.

You are putting your views on to SIL and your daughter deserves so much better. Speak to your husband, if he can't get through to you about just how messed up what your saying is, then no one will.

Believing your child is beautiful (beauty isn't skin deep anyway) comes with loving your child. You can think 'oh poor thing got my nose' etc but if you truly love someone you do believe they are absolutely beautiful. Your child deserves to be loved like that and if her own mother is judging her looks, she always will. Whether you think she'll never know or not, she will.

Take a long hard look at yourself, delete this disgusting thread and do better!

Lampzade · 01/10/2023 09:04

Having an objective view about a child’s appearance is not the problem.
The problem is being so obsessed with your dd’s appearance that you risk giving your own dd an inferiority complex.

Didimum · 01/10/2023 09:04

Anywherebuthere · 01/10/2023 07:44

Exactly this!

OP sounds like you're more hung up on your daughters looks than she was.

You have nothing positive to say about her and maybe she felt the vibe.

Why don't you tell your child she is beautiful even if you think she isnt. Build up her confidence and esteem so when she goes through life she doesnt feel it necessary to be hearing compliments from others.

And 'nice natural blonde hair'? So sad that you think thats all your child has going for her.

What about funny, happy, cheerful, easygoing, smart and so on.

Think of ways to praise and compliment your child without making it about the colour of her hair or looks.

Show quote history

The point the OP is trying to make is that the aunt was complimenting all the girls around her daughter for their looks - their faces, their clothes etc etc - and specifically missed out her DD in those compliments. OP is saying that if the aunt chooses to focus on aesthetics in her compliments then even if her DD is not the most conventionally attractive then there’s plenty of pleasing aesthetic things she could have chosen from: her clothes or her hair for example, if the aunt was only doling out compliments based on ‘looks’.

No where, AT ALL, does OP say that she does not praise her DD on her attractiveness or any other of her positive traits. She is simply describing this particular incident.

You can both find beauty in someone and also objectively recognise that they don’t conform to current conventional standards of beauty. It’s an observation and nothing more.

coughsneezecough · 01/10/2023 09:05

@Didimum 🤣 I can indeed!

Hi Op! 👋

Didimum · 01/10/2023 09:08

Nosleepforthismum · 01/10/2023 09:02

There are two things going on here. Yes, your SIL sounds like a cow but you talk about your daughter quite oddly. My daughter is only 6 months but she’s got big ears, wide shoulders, no hair and no eyebrows and frankly, sometimes when she laughs she looks exactly like uncle fester from the adams family. However, I utterly adore her and she is the cutest thing ever (especially when she laughs). I think you can be objective about your children’s features but I think PP’s are finding your language about your daughters hair being her only redeeming feature being really quite sad.

Nowhere does she say her DD’s hair is ‘her only redeeming feature’. That’s reaching to a ridiculous extent. It was an example of an aesthetic the aunt could have chosen to compliment when it was clear the aunt was only choosing to compliment on aesthetics in this particular incident.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2023 09:10

You don't like her and she doesn't like you. All things considered you both sound pretty awful. YABU.

Didimum · 01/10/2023 09:10

coughsneezecough · 01/10/2023 09:05

@Didimum 🤣 I can indeed!

Hi Op! 👋

Oh dear. Really? I’m sorry you’re clearly embarrassed that you cannot read posts clearly. Here’s a newsflash: not everyone on this earth will agree with you and some may wish to call you out on your mistakes.

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 09:11

@HelloHilda
I think YANBU, this sort of exclusion is damaging to children. I would tell my DD that her aunt is nasty and shallow and then in future, I’d simply get up and walk away if she approaches you and DD in any social setting. The best way to deal with toxic people is to steer clear of them.

RedToothBrush · 01/10/2023 09:11

So she's jealous and petty and you are looking for an ego boost.

Stop biting. Why are you even bothered about this woman's approval rating? You don't like her!

readbooksdrinktea · 01/10/2023 09:12

How come you expect other people to think and say your daughter is beautiful/pretty/good looking when you don't? That makes no sense.

Fairospop22 · 01/10/2023 09:13

Why would you care about the opinion of someone who is so shallow. Ignore her.

Lampzade · 01/10/2023 09:15

Didimum · 01/10/2023 09:04

The point the OP is trying to make is that the aunt was complimenting all the girls around her daughter for their looks - their faces, their clothes etc etc - and specifically missed out her DD in those compliments. OP is saying that if the aunt chooses to focus on aesthetics in her compliments then even if her DD is not the most conventionally attractive then there’s plenty of pleasing aesthetic things she could have chosen from: her clothes or her hair for example, if the aunt was only doling out compliments based on ‘looks’.

No where, AT ALL, does OP say that she does not praise her DD on her attractiveness or any other of her positive traits. She is simply describing this particular incident.

You can both find beauty in someone and also objectively recognise that they don’t conform to current conventional standards of beauty. It’s an observation and nothing more.

Show quote history

I think that the issue that posters have with the Op is that her subsequent posts seem to be critical of her own dd’s looks.
It is likely that her dd has picked up on this.
Imho it is better to be deluded about your dcs looks and think that they are the best thing since sliced bread rather than focus on the fact that they are not aesthetically pleasing and risk giving them a complex

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 09:16

I don’t agree by the way with the nitpicking like vultures over your words.
Saying “my daughter isn’t that good looking, but she isn’t ugly” doesn’t mean you think she is unattractive. I think you were just trying to say your daughter is average to just above average looking, as in nice looking. She isn’t “that good looking” as in not a stunner and she isn’t ugly- so she is somewhere in the middle and so probably a nice looking regular girl next door.

coughsneezecough · 01/10/2023 09:17

@Didimum Not embarrassed in the slightest but if that makes you feel good then by all means, call it out. I can only imagine you share similar values to the 'OP' Wink judging by your tones.
Take care! 👋

NalafromtheLionKing · 01/10/2023 09:20

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:40

But she likes her brother, who is the father of my child. Why exclude his child?

Also, there's never been any fighting between us, so there's no reason to hate me so outwardly.

Show quote history

Probably because fathers care a lot less about this type of thing than mothers do.

It does sound like she may have been doing it on purpose, just to have a dig at you and make you/DD feel insecure. Who wants a fake compliment from a very shallow person whose opinion they don’t value anyway though?

Didimum · 01/10/2023 09:24

coughsneezecough · 01/10/2023 09:17

@Didimum Not embarrassed in the slightest but if that makes you feel good then by all means, call it out. I can only imagine you share similar values to the 'OP' Wink judging by your tones.
Take care! 👋

Yeah, it does make me feel good to defend gross bullying. I hired that’s just my ‘values‘.

Didimum · 01/10/2023 09:25

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 09:16

I don’t agree by the way with the nitpicking like vultures over your words.
Saying “my daughter isn’t that good looking, but she isn’t ugly” doesn’t mean you think she is unattractive. I think you were just trying to say your daughter is average to just above average looking, as in nice looking. She isn’t “that good looking” as in not a stunner and she isn’t ugly- so she is somewhere in the middle and so probably a nice looking regular girl next door.

Edited

This

Sunnydays1974 · 01/10/2023 09:26

Never say your own child isn't good looking, that makes you an awful parent.