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AIBU?

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Original poster

for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

292 replies

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:09

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

OP posts:
sadaboutmycat · 01/10/2023 09:29

@HelloHilda you are horrifically judgemental and I would imagine your SIL knows this.
Imaging judging CHILDREN on whether they are good looking or not?! Children!! You shouldn't be judging adults this way but you do it to children!!

AmandasFleckerl · 01/10/2023 09:30

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

  1. why do you care what this woman thinks if she’s so superficial and critical of appearances?
  2. you sound a critical of your own daughter’s appearance though.
  3. what blonde 7 year old’s hair isn’t natural?
  4. you are overreacting
ClarabelleRose · 01/10/2023 09:31

This sounds far less about what your SIL thinks of your daughter (poor girl - I really feel for her!) and far more about her relationship with you/your DH.

Ramalangadingdong · 01/10/2023 09:32

madnessitellyou · 01/10/2023 08:37

So here's the thing op.

Your dd will reach an age when she'll realise you never tell her she looks nice. You won't because you don't think she's pretty and think parents who find beauty are delusional. It'll be subconscious, but it'll happen. You might grudgingly accept she has other qualities but because you're so fixated on how she looks, you won't acknowledge them. By now, your dd is in a viscous cycle. She thinks she's ugly and worthless and her self-esteem will be in tatters.

Kids are so much smarter than we realise. I would guess she may already have picked this up.

EandKDJ · 01/10/2023 09:33

Wow... a mother is supposed to bolster a child's self esteem not destroy it. Sorry OP but you come across as a very shallow person.

Didimum · 01/10/2023 09:33

Lampzade · 01/10/2023 09:15

I think that the issue that posters have with the Op is that her subsequent posts seem to be critical of her own dd’s looks.
It is likely that her dd has picked up on this.
Imho it is better to be deluded about your dcs looks and think that they are the best thing since sliced bread rather than focus on the fact that they are not aesthetically pleasing and risk giving them a complex

Show quote history

The only thing OP has done is reply to posters to clarify that she thinks it’s OK to not find your children/all children objectively beautiful and then to clarify why she thinks her daughters hair is nice. No one here has any idea how she speaks to her DD in day to day life, or how she praises her for her looks or anything else.

You say in your opinion it’s best to be ‘deluded’ about your children’s appearance, but you at least recognise it’s your opinion and not a fact that everyone has to subscribe to.

Poppyblush · 01/10/2023 09:35

Sounds like she was trying to annoy you.

TheNoodlesIncident · 01/10/2023 09:37

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

Irrespective of whether OP is wrong to not be over-biased about her own child's appearance, this is a nasty way to be behaving. I suppose OP's DH didn't notice this going on, or he too might have been put out at his sister's obvious exclusion of his kid in the rounds of compliments? It's simply not on to treat any child like this, regardless of how you feel about the parents. If I was sitting at a table and somebody came up and started gushing about all the kids there bar one, I would be trying to stick up for the excluded one by saying "And X is a lovely kid, isn't s/he? Not a nasty bone in their body, such a cracking sense of humour" etc etc.

I don't blame OP for being cheesed off. To compliment other kids on all aspects of their lives and ignore one kid is utterly dreadful. I'm not bothered on whether OP's mom glasses have fallen off and she's aware her DD won't win bonny baby contests. It's totally irrelevant because everyone can find something positive to say to a child except my bloody mother that isn't based on looks. OP knew this woman was a nasty bit of work before and she's just confirmed that by being overtly (but subtly) horrible to her niece. The cowbag!

Mummy08m · 01/10/2023 09:43

There's just no such thing as objective beauty, not really and truly (as for people using the word "attractive/unattractive" for a pre-pubescent girl, that's bloody disgusting so just stop.)

People saying that we mums who find our loved ones beautiful think our DC are Einstein or Pele... nope. Being academically successful or a competitive footballer IS objective. Loving to gaze uncritically at our children is clearly not similar in any way.

My dd is only 3 but she already has a concept that "you're my beautiful treasure" (a phrase I use for both DH and DD) basically means "I love you and I love to look at you".

I don't expect other people to find them beautiful, just like I don't expect strangers to find me beautiful. That would be "deluded" I suppose. And creepy. But I do expect my DH and DD to find me beautiful. That just means they like to see me and my face, that seeing me brings them joy.

And yes, I know full well that neither of them are Einstein or Pele lol, nor do they think that I am...genuinely, I think the pp who compared those things to beauty are at best very simple and at worst, has harmful ideas of the commodifying worth of looks

TheLightProgramme · 01/10/2023 09:47

Id expect in a situation like this that its more a reflection of maybe differing views on what children should wear etc at a wedding, rather than their looks per se? What was your DC wearing?

I went to a wedding last year which DC were invited at. My DC were dressed relatively smartly - DS in button shirt & smart shorts and shoes, DD in a mor
e formal style dress and sandals. Both with hair brushed/blow dried.

A friend just brought their Dc in every day clothes - think frugi style bright coloured joggers and tshirts, scruffy trainers. Both DC looked like their hair hadn't been brushed. Its not a financial thing - friend has a 6 figure salary.

I probably wouldn't have complimented his DC because they didn't look any different to usual. Is it possible something like that applies here?

TheLightProgramme · 01/10/2023 09:49

There's just no such thing as objective beauty

This. I can perceive that my children might not look like catalogue models but to me their faces are genuinely gorgeous. They just are. I imagine its to do with the familiarity of their smiles and the emotions those smiles trigger in me.

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 09:55

There's just no such thing as objective beauty

Objective beauty is the common term for conventional beauty which does in fact exist. It is the beauty standards of your society and the UK pretty much adheres to the white, blonde, blue-eyed, pixie nosed “English rose” as their beauty standard.

pleasefuckinggodno · 01/10/2023 10:01

Surely you’re engaging on a superficial level even to have drafted this post? Who cares what somebody so shallow and irrelevant thinks? I certainly do not. Also never ever refer to your daughter as ‘not that good looking’. The kid sounds like fuxking hero for hanging out with y’all for the afternoon .

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 01/10/2023 10:07

I’m trying to imagine just how ugly my kids would have to be for me to outright say as much. Conclusion: OP must be crackers.

cherryscola · 01/10/2023 10:08

So you're not delusional and are not going to sit here and say you're daughter is beautiful and pretty but you expect your SIL to? Why do you want her to participate in the delusion?

Can't have it both ways. And she DID compliment your daughter. You said she commented on the others outfits? She said your daughter had a nice bracelet on.

vincettenoir · 01/10/2023 10:14

OP I think you are being unfairly flamed for acknowledging that your dd might not be as conventionally attractive as the other children around the table.

But from your version of events she did compliment your daughter’s bracelet. So I think you are making an issue out of nothing.

StillGotBabyBrain · 01/10/2023 10:15

Your poor kid. I've never heard a mother say something like this about their own child. And you're worried about other people's perception of your child!! Give your head a wobble.

Perfect28 · 01/10/2023 10:17

Christ OP, saying your daughter isn't beautiful reflects how you yourself value physical beauty

JudgeRudy · 01/10/2023 10:22

CakeInAJar · 30/09/2023 22:14

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly

Wow.

I expect this is everything to do with how you perceive your poor child and nothing to do with the relative

I don't. I think it's acceptance that we don't all excell in an area (in this case physical beauty) and by default most of us are average. Half will be below average. She has eyes, her daughter is average or below...and she's happy with that.

Enterthedragons · 01/10/2023 10:23

I feel sorry for your daughter, you sound very preoccupied with appearances, which just to clarify are not important. That will rub off on her whether you say it out loud or not.

JudgeRudy · 01/10/2023 10:27

Wow I can't believe the amount of people dissing this mum for daring to say her daughter isn't beautiful. She has eyes. I'd guess she isn't beautiful and is average at best. I doubt she goes around telling her daughter she's ugly (she isn't, but even if she was...?)
Isn't this the same as saying my child's not particularly bright, not slim or not popular? Calling your child a dim lump of a looser would be out of order but making a fair assessment of them in a controlled way isn't.

5128gap · 01/10/2023 10:35

Your SiL didn't fail to compliment your DD because she isn't pretty enough. There are plenty if compliments she could have given that are nothing to do with her features. She excluded her as a passive aggressive act.
If your DD isn't pretty, she's not pretty. Not every female is. It's not a crime or a flaw, or something shameful you need to pretend isn't true and pay her false compliments about. Why does the asthetic quality of her face need to be a thing at all?
By far the best thing is if we didn't feel so compelled to comment on the prettiness of females at all, and keep our compliments to their personalities, behaviours, even their clothes if that matters to the child. Being pretty is an accident of genes, not an achievement to be praised for.

Confusion101 · 01/10/2023 10:35

Beauty is subjective. What I may think is beautiful, somebody might not be able to see it... To concretely write off your own daughter as "not good looking" is awful!

FoodCentre · 01/10/2023 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Of all the things op has said, there's nothing wrong with this one. Not all children are conventionally good looking. That doesn't mean they aren't cute, loving, funny or clever. And it doesn't mean their parent doesn't tel them that they are beautiful and loved.

Op doesn't want her child to be singled out and feel ugly. Hence why she's posting here.

The fixation with blonde hair and beauty is more noteworthy of anything

TrailingLoellia · 01/10/2023 10:54

It’s sad how this mum who was looking for support over her child being sidelined and excluded by her own aunt is being roasted for a bit of awkward wording as she was trying to grapple with reasons why the aunt might have acted the way she did. It’s really derailed the thread in my opinion.

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