for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

[HelloHilda]

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

@HelloHilda

Ah, I get u. It happened to me when I was young. Not the being made to feel ugly part tho. My grandas sister came to our house and all my cousins and I were there. Grandas sister was talking to all the kids asking them questions and starting dishing out money to everyone (a few quid, £2 in the 90s and ur rich. I was stood right next to her and she completely ignored me. It was so obvious that my gran actually had to say to her , what about yerarse? The reply was ' I'm getting to her'. I felt it and my gran obvious saw it.

I think she was being a twunt because her and my mum never got on.

I've haven't read all the posts but I think some posters have been a bit unkind. I know exactly what u mean, there should have been no reason to ignore ur daughter the way she did and it does hurt when they've made it obvious.

@Batalax

The op wasn’t criticising her daughters looks. She’s saying whilst not a stunner, she’s not totally ugly. Aka normal looking.

She totally was criticising her own daughter's looks. I can't imagine why anyone would do that. The mind boggles.

And what is 'normal looking' anyway FFS?!

She's a child! I think your perception is really skewed on this. The fact that you are so centred on looks and were so sensitive to the conversations taking place around you where they identified physical characteristics combined with your assessment of your own daughter as "not that good looking" (I mean seriously, she's a child, why are you even condoning this being a way to view a child) tells me that these insecurities are fueled by you. Perhaps sil picks up on how image centred you are and desperately wants to avoid that discussion with you about your daughter because she's worried about how damaging it is. She complimented her bracelet, that's the same as the hairstyles compliments, and yet you are hyper focused on needing her to compliment her physical appearance. This is so unhealthy on so many levels. The more you focus on this the more likely your daughter will be affected. Your child is absolutely beautiful, she is loved and she is wonderful and thats what she needs to hear from her parents. Adults commenting on her physical appearance is just yuck in any form so I'm glad sil didn't!

Just get over it, she's not worth your energy worrying about it.

“I admit my daughter isn't that good looking”
Bloody hell! Poor kid. Toxic adults all around her!

What people say or don't say demonstrate everything about them and nothing whatsoever about the recipient. Forget it. Your daughter is beautiful....she's yours.

This post makes me feels so so sad for that little girl. Hearing you say she’s isn’t that good looking was one thing but then to say you don’t find her pretty. Personally I think that’s so awful. Every little girl needs to feel pretty and should be told so by those who care for them and raise them. I can’t imagine how this poor girl will feel never having their own mum tell them they’re pretty :-( just because she doesn’t fit your view of what pretty is - she’s your daughter!!

I agree. A bit shocked by all the hate. It’s hard not to understand why a Mum would feel for her own daughter after a huge fuss was made of every other child all around except her. What realistically should happen in the best of all possible worlds I am less clear about!

What a weird post, sorry. I don't think of my children in terms of ugly or not ugly. Any grown woman judging the looks of a 7 year old really doesn't deserve your thoughts or time. It might just be how its worded but it sounds like you have an issue with how your child looks?

I'm amazed everyone's attacking op.

Yet there was a thread several years ago where every posters was joking about how ugly their baby was in great specific detail, all supposed to be lighthearted. Do we really think every one of those children suddenly morphed into beauties? No. I'm sure some of those parents still feel the same.

People have eyesight. Op can tell that her DD is not the best looking perhaps and wants to shield her from criticism and poor self esteem.

She wants her child to have external validation from her family (aunt) so she doesn't feel different. That's a good thing and is the exact opposite of toxic.

By speaking openly on an anonymous forum (!!!) she has not done anything wrong. People absolutely love to pile on as soon as one or too posters legitimise that kind of behaviour.

Thread could have gone a very different way.

ah that’s sad given it’s her niece- I was going to say I hate all of that stuff but we all do it ‘aren’t you getting tall, I love your top, don’t you’ve great hair etc etc’ (I hate my for it!!) Not worth a thought op and forget about it, we (me and sister) were talking about how ridiculously our family were into appearance and etiquette- it’s a very cold way to live. Don’t give it another thought (but big up your daughter and have a lovely evening when she gets home from school)

I haven’t RTFt and I am sure this has been said many times on the thread but we all need to give our heads a bit of a wobble, don’t we? Why would it even be a thing to judge your children by someone else’s standard of beauty? It is not being realistic or “honest” to do so. It is continuing a wrongheaded idea that looks are more important than they are - especially for women. Your SIL is a limited idiot if the only thing she can praise about a group of young kids is their looks. Why not just ask them if they are having a good time or enjoying the food. Avoid talking about looks altogether. Teach them there is much more to a person than their looks.

op instead of comparing your daughter’s looks with others find other things to praise her for and you will have raised a young woman who doesn’t give a toss what others think about her looks because she has a strong sense of her worth.

When I was a kid people were always comparing my looks to my little sister’s. I longed for an adult to step in and say what a beautiful person I was or some such but it was left to my little sister herself to tell me that she didn’t care what anybody said because she loved me as I was.

Nowadays people describe me as “beautiful” despite the fact that I have achieved much more in life than my looks and consider myself a good person.

Wow. I feel for your daughter. You say she will never know you don’t think she’s pretty but unless you lie to her she will know. She will pick up on subtle queues and the fact that you never tell her that she is pretty. Even if you tell her that her hair is pretty.

In terms of you comparing the retriever comment to saying someone has copper coloured hair - copper is an actual colour, “golden retriever” isn’t.

curious as to what your husband thinks? And what he thinks of you suggesting his daughter who he shares with you is not ‘good looking’ like what the hell!? She’s your baby! I think you are the one with the biggest issue here, and the more you comment the more my heart breaks for your little girl

It's honestly hilarious to me that people are genuinely pretending that they can't tell when their kids aren't pretty. Come on now.

I think my Dd is attractive but I believe my son got the dice rolled a six looks. I'd never say that to my daughter though. Haven't even said it to my mother. Also, my daughter is blessed in more practical ways. She can assess the existing system, fit in to it, and flourish, my very handsome son seems utterly incapable of following simple rules and seems to make life harder than it needs to be. They're 17 and 20 though so not tiny kids. Occasionally I do remember Strangers commenting on my son in earshot of my daughter. I just changed the subject.

What was your daughter doing? Maybe it has more to do with table manners?? Was she polite, clean, normal weight, not on a phone /device etc?