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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

292 replies

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:09

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

OP posts:
crew2022 · 02/10/2023 23:06

Maybe you could compliment your child on her strengths and help her to believe in herself and therefore not need external validation

Ilikeyourdecor · 02/10/2023 23:32

I would be angry. An elderly relative once told me that a dear primary aged friend of mine wasn't much of a looker and I was so insulted. The child in question wasn't particularly attractive at the time, (although they are now they are older), but is such a lovely child. Why comment on their appearance at all - if you don't have something nice to say don't say it. And don't act like looks are the most important thing.

MysteryBelle · 03/10/2023 00:22

Op. No, it really has nothing to do with your child. She is jealous of you or she despises you or both. Prob due to some past transgression in her mind. And so she purposely ignored your daughter and fawned over the others to hurt you and to spite you. Then grinned and mentioned a superficial bracelet to twist the knife.

She is a witch with a b and should never be allowed to come with 50 feet of you or your daughter again. How malicious to treat a child that way.

Pammy28 · 03/10/2023 00:42

Honey she is jealous or she is not happy with herself! Don't worry, does her opinion really matter. You know you have a great kid.!!

HeatherMoores · 03/10/2023 00:50

Like a golden retriever. What am I reading?

Forgotmylogindetails · 03/10/2023 01:03

@HeatherMoores its 1 am and I swear I’ve been laughing and visualising golden retrievers since I read her comment yesterday morning.

it’s ok honey your ugly but you look like a golden retriever 🤦‍♀️

Lullaby1973 · 03/10/2023 01:05

I'd say that you are the person who is assuming it's because you think you're daughter is ugly. And you say that she is shallow. She may not like you after having lived with you

Lndnmummy · 03/10/2023 01:06

She will know.

Tigermearns · 03/10/2023 01:08

This has got to be a fake post surely? Who complains about their child not getting a compliment whilst openly slating their child's looks and comparing their hair to a dog in the comments ...

Forgotmylogindetails · 03/10/2023 01:09

@Tigermearns

I hope for the kids sake it’s a troll or it’s going to be one messed up poor kid

Original poster
HelloHilda · 03/10/2023 01:12

The people overreacting about the golden retriever comment are getting on my nerves. I never said my daughter looked like a dog, just that her hair is the same colour as a golden retriever.

It's like when you say a redhead has hair like copper, it's obviously in reference to the colour, you're not calling that person a piece of metal.

OP posts:
saythatagaintome · 03/10/2023 01:20

Op,
What do you think her intentions were, because at 7 a child would notice this, and it would be heartbreaking.

caringcarer · 03/10/2023 01:28

People don't have to compliment your kid. Raising your DC self esteem is your job.

Gwendimarco · 03/10/2023 03:16

She sounds superficial and nasty.
Bearing this in mind YABU to give two hoots about what she thinks.
Your daughter does not need validation from shallow judgemental people.

Gwendimarco · 03/10/2023 03:19

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:16

I know it sounds cold, but I'm not one of those biased parents who sees beauty that isn't there. I'll obviously never say any of this to my daughter out loud.

However, there's obviously a reason my SIL only excluded her and not the other kids.

Show quote history

Do you place great stock on looks generally?
Does your SIL know this, and could she be using this as a way to wind you up?

Mikimoto · 03/10/2023 04:11

Kid's Santa list this year:
-chew toy
-stick

WongWifi · 03/10/2023 04:36

Just say your SIL saw this thread and recognised the situation, she now has ammunition against you. Never say anything online you wouldn’t say in person. I’d be devastated if my mother wrote online I wasn’t good looking (I don’t care what other ppl think of my looks - only my mum’s opinion counts). Please be careful.

SpringingChicken · 03/10/2023 05:02

brielliance · 30/09/2023 23:20

? I don't get this.

I guess to you and others like @Festivemoose, physical beauty is a really, really important trait. To me there are more important things.

Objectively I'm pretty ugly (I was called pig nose in school and relatives would always praise my siblings' looks and then look at me and pause awkwardly, etc etc). My DH is conventionally unattractive, and our children inherited both our (lack of) looks. Basically we all look quite piggish and sunken.

Physically, I love EVERY single big and small thing about my DH and my kids. I love their smiles, their hair, their lashes, their cheeks, my DH's odd freakish toes, every single beautiful and weird and wonderful thing about them. In my heart, they are the most beautiful creatures ever.

But according to arbitrary, superficial, external societal standards, are they/we good looking or even average? No. I think it's okay to admit that, just as it's okay to admit maybe your child isn't academic or sporty or etc. I wouldn't tell my child that for sure, but it's OK to admit to yourself.

The "of COURSE you're beautiful sweetheart" message is damaging, because it strongly implies it's not OK to be physically unattractive. I heard this line all my life, usually said after an awkward silence and in very stilted tones from superficial adults (including my vv superficial mum). I used to plan for plastic surgery but I guess after meeting DH I learnt to love my own features, truly :-)

If a child wasn't good at ballet or football, you wouldn't insist they were their whole life! At some point they'd realise the truth and then feel shit they couldn't live up to what you clearly value (ballet/football skill). Instead, you'd focus on emphasising all their other great strengths and traits. My children are brilliant, kind, funny and just wonderful.

Show quote history

Agreed.

I have always been able to be objective about my kids’ looks. I think they are gorgeous now, but when one was little I could see that they didn’t fulfil standard beauty standards. They have both grown to be pretty attractive adults but I retained objectivity when the boy was very young and slightly odd looking. It was no reflection of love at all.

Some of us aren’t blinded by our kids’ looks. That does not mean we don’t adore them. And as you say, there is plenty else to value.

SpringingChicken · 03/10/2023 05:06

BabyFireflyx · 01/10/2023 02:21

Makes me think I struck lucky with my kid. She wakes up beautiful, always has, which is more than I can say for myself. I take a little more engineering (full face of make up and I’m alright). DD started out potatoed like all babies. But she went from old man to effortless beauty in months. There's a shine that's all her own and even at 11, I'll catch her in a facial expression and tell her she's beautiful, because she simply is.
I don’t understand if it's a bad genetic mix you accept, those of you saying your kids are plain or y'know "not good looking" or some kind of superiority complex - you vs your kid. Or people meaning that they don't look good and neither does their child.
None of our kids are likely to be world changing models, but jesus. I hope you never say this shit out loud. Self fulfilling prophecy will decimate your child's self esteem.

‘None of our kids are likely to be world changing models, but jesus. I hope you never say this shit out loud.’

I am sure most people don’t. I don’t know why posters are getting so worked up about this.

SpringingChicken · 03/10/2023 05:10

Leaving one child out of a round of compliments at a table, whether it’s about their looks, brains or colour of their napkins, is poor form. Even if the kid doesn’t notice, the parent will. It shows poor social skills, whatever the parameter being used to compliment.

Springflower866 · 03/10/2023 05:19

Jesus give this woman a break, you pack of wolfes! She can still love her child and objectively think that they are not the most good looking. We all would wish for the best looking children but if they are not, we still love them and never tell them.

McIntire · 03/10/2023 05:27

OP, she was mean to miss your DD out but you know from previous experience that she’s shallow so I don’t know why you’re even bothered tbh

MrsRaspberry · 03/10/2023 06:31

You don't even like your SIL so why do you care about her opinion? To be fair you're both so shallow and you probably clash because you're so similar in the importance of appearances. You've said yourself your kid isn't good looking. Lets hope your kid doesn't inherit yours or her aunts views on others based on looks

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 03/10/2023 07:23

SpringingChicken · 03/10/2023 05:10

Leaving one child out of a round of compliments at a table, whether it’s about their looks, brains or colour of their napkins, is poor form. Even if the kid doesn’t notice, the parent will. It shows poor social skills, whatever the parameter being used to compliment.

This. She could have found something to praise - 'what a lovely dress' or similar.

OuiRagamuffin · 03/10/2023 07:39

Some people are very lookist and even people who aren't get swept up in 'the aesthetics' on their wedding day. I don't think you can 'do' anything. But try try try not to let it hurt you. often cut kids grow up looking a bit odd (mcCauley culkin!) and often kids who were kinda ordinary grow up stunning. You often see pictures of hollywood stars and their childhood photos don't give much indication of how gorgeous they're going to become. But, most of us fall in the middle and on a good day, if you hadn't been hurt (and I get that) you'd probably know that. I've two kids and I'd say one is more conventionally attractive than the other, but he has no ability to work within the system that exists. Hates rules, does everything his own way. Life is going to be hard for him.