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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

292 replies

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:09

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

OP posts:
BabyFireflyx · 01/10/2023 02:21

Makes me think I struck lucky with my kid. She wakes up beautiful, always has, which is more than I can say for myself. I take a little more engineering (full face of make up and I’m alright). DD started out potatoed like all babies. But she went from old man to effortless beauty in months. There's a shine that's all her own and even at 11, I'll catch her in a facial expression and tell her she's beautiful, because she simply is.
I don’t understand if it's a bad genetic mix you accept, those of you saying your kids are plain or y'know "not good looking" or some kind of superiority complex - you vs your kid. Or people meaning that they don't look good and neither does their child.
None of our kids are likely to be world changing models, but jesus. I hope you never say this shit out loud. Self fulfilling prophecy will decimate your child's self esteem.

MintJulia · 01/10/2023 02:29

I've literally never considered whether other people think my child is beautiful or not - he is, obviously - the shape of his face, his eyes, his sparkle 🤗 - and it wouldn't occur to me to care what they think. They are literally irrelevant.

I'd say your reaction is defensive and supersensitive too.

It sounds like you have an issue with your dd's looks, and because SIL hasn't behaved exactly as you want her to, you're angry. It's clear you don't like your SIL but you don't get to control her thoughts or actions, when all she did was greet a group of people.

Perhaps stop worrying about what other people think, it isn't a competition, and learn to appreciate your dd's beauty for yourself. I'm sure she's lovely.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/10/2023 02:58

Well, wow.

roseheartfly · 01/10/2023 03:16

PosterBoy · 30/09/2023 22:21

People's minds work in such different ways.

Here is a prime example.

I would have interpreted this in about a dozen different ways that didn't involve me thinking my sil thought my kid was ugly. That thought is something your own mind made up to explain an event. That's on you.

Alternatively (and it really doesn't matter which version is 'true' because that's not a thing - this is people not facts)

  • she is one of those weirdos who won't compliment family
  • she wanted to wind you up (oh, that worked)
  • it goes without saying your kid is great, so the others need a bit of a boost in her stunning company
  • she wants to look unbiased in front of others
  • she's a bitch

This.

Also, the comment about your child not being good looking? So cruel. Don't agree.

notamilf · 01/10/2023 03:20

She doesn't like you and is trying to piss you off.

ReplyPost · 01/10/2023 03:33

There are a lot of mean-spirited comments. The poor woman is feeling upset and sad for her daughter. Why are so many people attacking her? So cruel. Beauty is defined in part by its rarity so most of us (children included) are not beautiful. So what. Instead of telling your daughter she is beautiful, tell her what you really mean. She is strong, smart, funny, caring, interesting etc.

cheeseandketchupsandwich · 01/10/2023 04:02

StephanieSuperpowers · 30/09/2023 22:18

I don't think you should be worrying too much about your SIL. She isn't responsible for creating your child's self esteem. That's your job.

👏🏽

AtomHeartMotherOfGod · 01/10/2023 04:18

FWIW I couldn't be so deluded as to say my child was attractive if they weren't, either.

Moro93 · 01/10/2023 04:32

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user1492757084 · 01/10/2023 04:37

Never pay much heed to the opinion of those whom you do not respect.

It is a waste of energy.
You would be better off changing the subject, deflecting the conversation or making a joke about a kid's shoes or something light hearted.

No one likes the kind of chatter that you describe so change the whole tone of the group with your bright mind.

chappoi · 01/10/2023 04:47

If mums posting about how ugly her own kid is then can't expect anything nicer from anyone else can you 😂

Sausage1989 · 01/10/2023 04:59

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:33

There is no problem with dark hair, but I like blonde hair, and if it's natural, I think it can be very pretty, especially in the sunlight.

People are always bleaching and dyeing their hair to get the type of blonde hair my daughter naturally has. That's what I mean. It's her best feature. It's a golden, sandy colour, like a golden retriever.

Show quote history

I was going to ask the same thing. What's the obsession with blonde hair? 'She's not pretty but she has blonde hair' what the actual fuck?
And now you've compared her to a dog! Bizarre.

Sausage1989 · 01/10/2023 05:04

Allthingsdecember · 30/09/2023 22:55

I’m more shocked that you don’t think your daughter is good looking.

It’s not delusional for most people to think that their children are beautiful… all children are beautiful in their own way.

Are you sure she deliberately missed out your daughter? It sounds like you could be projecting.

Exactly this. Children ARE beautiful. Beauty doesn't just come in the form of conventional beauty, you know! Many adults are beautiful who aren't physically conventionally attractive because their other features shine through and likewise you can be the most physically conventionally attractive person ever born but if you're a nasty horrible person then you're ugly.

ploymus · 01/10/2023 05:36

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:16

I know it sounds cold, but I'm not one of those biased parents who sees beauty that isn't there. I'll obviously never say any of this to my daughter out loud.

However, there's obviously a reason my SIL only excluded her and not the other kids.

Show quote history

But you expect others to?

Nanaof1 · 01/10/2023 05:43

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Speaking on fixing your attitude, I hope you have a mirror handy. Your post is disgusting, degrading, demeaning and plain old nasty.

OP did not compare her DD to a dog. She described a color. YOU, on the other hand, DID compare her DD to a dog. Read up on ugly souls. Do better.

Nanaof1 · 01/10/2023 05:54

ReplyPost · 01/10/2023 00:03

OP never said her child was not good looking. She said "she isn't that good looking" which I took to mean she is not extraordinarily pretty. Not ever child is incredibly beautiful looking. We should not be judging children on their looks. Is the child funny, kind, emphatic, compassionate? That is what matters. If I see a child who is not beautiful by society's standards but is wearing a nice dress I will say "that dress looks beautiful on you", or "you look so pretty in that dress".

But this is MumsNet where some ugly-souled posters fall all over themselves to be as nasty as possible and to demean, degrade and demoralize as many people as they can in a 24-hour period.

I don't understand it but think they must get a type of "runner's high" from it.

I do wonder if the posters like this, have a child who cannot walk without tripping, can't kick a ball because they close their eyes and run from the ball when it gets kicked close (after playing for 4 years) tell their children, "You are almost ready for pro football! You have so much natural talent. You make Pele look like an amateur!" Or are they honest with their child? Do they tell their child who still cannot master the scales after 4 years of piano lessons that Liberace is jealous!? Or are they honest?

cookiedoughdough · 01/10/2023 06:03

Eh? I am mortified you would say your own Child is Ugly! I imagine the problem isn't the SIL but actually lies with you.

Lili132 · 01/10/2023 06:24

I had a cousin who's mother always was saying that her daughter was not pretty but at least had a "nice blond hair to make up for it".

As I child I couldn't understand what she was on about.

Needless to say, although my auntie never said those things to my cousin's face she did pick up on it. I think she grew up to be really pretty but she can't see it and always says she only likes her blond hair (that's what her mum always complemented her on).

You sound obsessed with appearances and you clearly are way more affected about your sister in law then your daughter. It's not about your child being excluded it's about you isn't it?

PurpleFlower1983 · 01/10/2023 06:52

She’s obviously not a very nice woman and has an issue with you. Just be glad you don’t see her often.

MoonShinesBright · 01/10/2023 06:56

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Didimum · 01/10/2023 07:15

cookiedoughdough · 01/10/2023 06:03

Eh? I am mortified you would say your own Child is Ugly! I imagine the problem isn't the SIL but actually lies with you.

She literally said she isn’t ugly. Can you not read?

Festivemoose · 01/10/2023 07:18

brielliance · 30/09/2023 23:20

? I don't get this.

I guess to you and others like @Festivemoose, physical beauty is a really, really important trait. To me there are more important things.

Objectively I'm pretty ugly (I was called pig nose in school and relatives would always praise my siblings' looks and then look at me and pause awkwardly, etc etc). My DH is conventionally unattractive, and our children inherited both our (lack of) looks. Basically we all look quite piggish and sunken.

Physically, I love EVERY single big and small thing about my DH and my kids. I love their smiles, their hair, their lashes, their cheeks, my DH's odd freakish toes, every single beautiful and weird and wonderful thing about them. In my heart, they are the most beautiful creatures ever.

But according to arbitrary, superficial, external societal standards, are they/we good looking or even average? No. I think it's okay to admit that, just as it's okay to admit maybe your child isn't academic or sporty or etc. I wouldn't tell my child that for sure, but it's OK to admit to yourself.

The "of COURSE you're beautiful sweetheart" message is damaging, because it strongly implies it's not OK to be physically unattractive. I heard this line all my life, usually said after an awkward silence and in very stilted tones from superficial adults (including my vv superficial mum). I used to plan for plastic surgery but I guess after meeting DH I learnt to love my own features, truly :-)

If a child wasn't good at ballet or football, you wouldn't insist they were their whole life! At some point they'd realise the truth and then feel shit they couldn't live up to what you clearly value (ballet/football skill). Instead, you'd focus on emphasising all their other great strengths and traits. My children are brilliant, kind, funny and just wonderful.

Show quote history

Oh come on! That’s not what I said and you know it. The OP said - about her own child - that she doesn’t see beauty that’s not there. Poor kid.
It’s not about conventional beauty. My child is the most beautiful thing in the world in my eyes. She was born with a hairy back - that hairy back is fucking beautiful! She’s got a bit of a mono brow going on - beautiful! The most beautiful little girl in the world in my eyes.

PineConeOrDogPoo · 01/10/2023 07:22

OP,
What's your relationship like with your daughter? How loving is she towards you and vice versa? Do you give esch other random smiles, grab each other for a hug, make each other random compliments? If not, in what ways do you show love to each other?

daisychain01 · 01/10/2023 07:23

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that

who is this person who bestows her all important ratings on people's children's appearance, hairstyles, progress at school. And why do you or anyone else care what her opinion is? I think people give far too much priority to the inane ramblings of others.

HoldOnMiGenna · 01/10/2023 07:25

Afro: "Why the fuck am I in this?".

Chances are, if OP had a child for a Black man, she may expect her child to have hair that grows up or sideways. However, I don't know if it's bad diet, but I have seen dark skinned 4c Black men with biracial children with nary a coil, much less a kink in their hair.
And the "What if she had an afro?" question to guilt the OP surely wasn't based on the negligible probability of two White flaxen haired people bearing a White child with an afro, surely?

For all the virtual signallers, I bet you wouldn't dare ask why Afro hair isn't seen as nice looking for too many Black women to the point of flinging scalp tearing extension braids in pre pubescent girls' scalps. Let's not mention the spending of more money on hair from poor developing world women's scalps than on the gym and healthy food in too many cases.

I say this as a Black woman and somebody who thinks that the OP is deluded if she thinks that her daughter not being good looking to the point that she subconsciously sees herself in the behaviour of her child's aunt is not going to be picked up by said child. A child whose mother cannot bring herself to compare said her to blonde haired humans as the one point of physical praise.