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Original poster

for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

292 replies

HelloHilda · 30/09/2023 22:09

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2023 07:27

Mummy08m · 30/09/2023 23:11

It's not "parental delusion" to think your own child is beautiful.

On the contrary, I think you're bonkers if you think there's such a thing as an objective scale of beauty.

If you love someone, you think they're beautiful. That's it. My dh might have been balding since his early 20s but I think he looks like an angel. My dd is the most beautiful creature I've ever seen and I could just gaze at her for hours.

Op I think you are cold and shallow and have messed up ideas of what beauty actually is. It's not a tick box list of attributes like a bloody RPG stat. It just means sparks joy in the eye of the beholder. No doubt the majority of people wouldn't find me beautiful but my dh and dd light up whenever they see me. That's what beauty is.

That is so beautiful and very wise. I agree. My dd is the most enchanting thing I have ever seen. It is a pity that she’s 15 now and doesn’t appreciate her mummy anymore. 😥

Eartoday · 01/10/2023 07:32

Please be careful op. Lots of us have never felt we are enough because our mothers didn’t think we were.

BabblesDevine · 01/10/2023 07:34

@BabyFireflyx
"Makes me think I struck lucky with my kid. She wakes up beautiful, always has, which is more than I can say for myself"

Does she go around overreacting and calling people "cunts" when they ask for advice, or did that gene get skipped too?

Anywherebuthere · 01/10/2023 07:44

LifeExperience · 30/09/2023 22:23

You're being ridiculous. She was greeting a bunch of people she hadn't seen in a long time, and you're upset because she didn't greet your daughter to your standards? Have a word with yourself, and stop talking about your daughter's looks.

Exactly this!

OP sounds like you're more hung up on your daughters looks than she was.

You have nothing positive to say about her and maybe she felt the vibe.

Why don't you tell your child she is beautiful even if you think she isnt. Build up her confidence and esteem so when she goes through life she doesnt feel it necessary to be hearing compliments from others.

And 'nice natural blonde hair'? So sad that you think thats all your child has going for her.

What about funny, happy, cheerful, easygoing, smart and so on.

Think of ways to praise and compliment your child without making it about the colour of her hair or looks.

Brownsauce89 · 01/10/2023 07:46

ReplyPost · 01/10/2023 03:33

There are a lot of mean-spirited comments. The poor woman is feeling upset and sad for her daughter. Why are so many people attacking her? So cruel. Beauty is defined in part by its rarity so most of us (children included) are not beautiful. So what. Instead of telling your daughter she is beautiful, tell her what you really mean. She is strong, smart, funny, caring, interesting etc.

I totally agree with this! My DD is beautiful, but I try and tell her all the time instead that she’s strong/smart/interesting etc. I don’t think we should value looks like we do in our society as it’s the least interesting thing about someone as a person.

OP, I get why you felt offended however. It’s wrong to leave a child out.

coughsneezecough · 01/10/2023 07:46

@Didimum

"I'll admit my Daughter isn't that good looking"

Isn't that good looking = Unattractive.

Synonyms of unattractive (adj. ugly)

•	disgusting.
•	repugnant.
•	repulsive.
•	unappealing.
•	bad-looking.
•	beastly.
•	deformed.
•	disfigured.

Sure thing, the OP is a delight!

Batalax · 01/10/2023 07:51

Bloody hell. People are focusing on totally the wrong things here.

Op, I get it. I’d be upset on my dd’s behalf too. She’s likely noticed she was missed out and that’s damaging for her. But I also think it’s not really about your dd. Sil has some sort of grudge against you or dh, even if you didn’t actually fall out. Perhaps jealousy? Resentment? She could still harbour negative feelings from when she lived with you, despite not arguing. She’s a bitch to take it out on dd though.

oakleaffy · 01/10/2023 07:59

It's not good that you say your own child isn't ''good looking''.

A child's appearance shouldn't matter.

It's the behaviour and character that counts, not looks.

herecomesthestorm · 01/10/2023 08:04

@Eartoday THIS!! 👏

Confusion101 · 01/10/2023 08:10

I think the fact that not looking like a typical societal model = not good looking is where the issue lies and is why I have taken such issue with OPs stance.

I grew up never being told anything positvie about my looks (not in a mean way, just wasn't a done thing in my family). I am now an adult who tries her hardest to conform to societal norms around looks, instead of embracing my features that those most important to me truly adore about me!

I dont think the works ugly is a good word to use at all, we all have different features we like or are attracted to!

I would never be able to describe my daughter as "not good looking". I honestly look at her and think she is the most adorable pretty gorgeous little being ever, and her dad looks at her the same! I know not everyone thinks that about her but I don't care. To think that you could like at a person at a person 7 years old that you created and think "you aren't what I would consider stereotypically good looking" is foreign to me!!

stayflufft · 01/10/2023 08:10

So you think your own daughter is a bit funny looking and has hair similar in colour to a golden retriever?

I don’t think your SIL is the problem..

Ramalangadingdong · 01/10/2023 08:16

op, your daughter does not exist to make you feel good about yourself through her gaining compliments.

That seems to be what this is about. You would no doubt love to be the mother of a “beautiful” daughter because all the compliments she would get would boost your ego.

As others have said this is about you not her.

PeppermintMandy · 01/10/2023 08:18

I don’t think her not complimenting your child is the problem. The fact she complimented the other girls is the problem.

Really…little 7 year olds being told they are a “credit to their families” because they have pretty faces and nice dresses? Jesus Christ. I really wouldn’t want a relative putting thoughts like that in my daughters head.

By all means a “that’s a lovely dress” is fine but going on about features they have no control over (their faces, hair type etc) & how valuable and worthwhile that makes them? YIKES

ActDottie · 01/10/2023 08:25

You admit your daughter isn’t that good looking??? Sorry she’s 7 wtf???

MintJulia · 01/10/2023 08:30

BabblesDevine · 01/10/2023 00:23

It's totally normal for a parent to be objective enough to realise that their kid while beautiful to them is no beauty.

It's totally normal for a white person to feel natural blonde hair is particularly beautiful compared to mousy or brown hair. Ditto red hair or jet black hair. If it weren't, there wouldn't be an entire sector focused specifically on achieving blonde hair.

Some of you need to unclench your anuses and untwist your knickers

I'm white and I've never considered blonde hair particularly attractive. Obviously there are good examples of all colours but to me, rich red or vibrant chestnut hair is far lovelier.

I don't think it's normal 'to feel natural blonde hair is particularly beautiful'. What an odd thing to say.

JoanOfAllTrades · 01/10/2023 08:32

@HelloHilda

You sound somewhat bizarre!

You say that your child isn’t pretty, and yet you think others should praise her, for what? Her hair? That is reminiscent of a dog?

Perhaps, her not falsely complimenting your child, is her not being hypocritical.

Frankly, I’m disgusted at the way you have described your child and I think your feelings of upset are because of how you feel about your DD, rather than how someone you clearly don’t like and don’t see very often, chose not to compliment her.

And PP was right, if she had said something complimentary, you would have come and made a post about how hypocritical your SIL was in complimenting your daughter.

Perhaps you need to realise that looks aren’t everything in life! After all, one can change their looks, but it takes self reflection, therapy and hard work to change their personality!

Reflect upon which change you need to make!

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 01/10/2023 08:32

Your SIL is clearly a cow but I think many of these replies on here are a useful indicator of how quickly women will gang up and bully others for being different, either in looks or opinions.

If your daughter is a ‘plain Jane’, you’ll need to look out for her for the next few years as girls who are viewed as plain and less attractive can be horribly bullied by other children and adults too, as you’ve discovered.

I wasn’t an attractive child (or adult) as I had thin straggly mousy brown hair and two very protruding front teeth that were at different angles, so you couldn’t even call it cute. I had a best friend in primary school who was conventionally pretty with big blue eyes and long blonde hair in plaits and she always had lots of attention, especially from other adults. Unfortunately, a few times she’d be mean to me, pinching me etc. and then she’d burst out crying and I’d automatically be blamed by the adults around. They were incredibly stupid and couldn’t see beyond her angelic looks. As a child, I had no idea why she did this and my mum always felt pressured to accept what the adults were telling her about my supposed nasty behaviour. It was horribly unfair.

I was bullied by other kids throughout my teen years and I often wonder if there was something that my mum or I could have done differently to change that?

Pressthespacebar · 01/10/2023 08:34

@MintJulia but surely you can see your own tastes don’t reflect that of society? Having naturally light hair (or dark hair or red hair) is seen culturally as more attractive than brown mousy hair as it’s not as common.

SayingwhatIreallythink · 01/10/2023 08:34

I haven’t read all the replies, but please at least change your account after this thread, so that you never risk your daughter picking up your phone and pressing ‘threads I’m on’.

madnessitellyou · 01/10/2023 08:37

So here's the thing op.

Your dd will reach an age when she'll realise you never tell her she looks nice. You won't because you don't think she's pretty and think parents who find beauty are delusional. It'll be subconscious, but it'll happen. You might grudgingly accept she has other qualities but because you're so fixated on how she looks, you won't acknowledge them. By now, your dd is in a viscous cycle. She thinks she's ugly and worthless and her self-esteem will be in tatters.

smallshinybutton · 01/10/2023 08:39

You're saying your kid isn't conventionally attractive while complaining someone else doesn't think she is pretty? Pot kettle.

Anyway change the conversation from looks! It's so boring - switch it up. When she says oh you all look nice - say thank you. This child is doing their GCSEs, that one is enjoying learning about space, this one likes doing people's hair.

boxedandribboned · 01/10/2023 08:42

I don't think it's normal 'to feel natural blonde hair is particularly beautiful'. What an odd thing to say.

@MintJulia you might not think it's normal, but I can assure you it's a very commonly held view.

I'm not fussed about blonde hair personally, but I've often heard other people compliment blonde children on their hair, and blonde children are often considered more popular at junior school. They seem to have a special status.

It's weird and stupid but it's definitely a thing.

boxedandribboned · 01/10/2023 08:44

Sil has some sort of grudge against you or dh, even if you didn’t actually fall out. Perhaps jealousy? Resentment? She could still harbour negative feelings from when she lived with you, despite not arguing.

I definitely agree with this

BabblesDevine · 01/10/2023 08:48

Of course it's normal in white culture to find blonde hair particularly desirable.
It's a subconscious thing: outside of Scandinavia the vast majority of children with light bright blonde hair will lose it. There are even adults with dark brown hair who started out white blonde. Hence blondness is a fleeting phenomenon that becomes subconsciously linked to youth and rareness.

Sugargliderwombat · 01/10/2023 08:51

The way you speak about your daughter is horrible OP. It doesn't sound at all like you care about your daughters feelings. It sounds like you're embarrassed of your daughter.

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