for being upset nobody complimented my child while other kids were complimented?

[HelloHilda]

Basically, I went to a wedding today with my husband and took our daughter too. She's 7 and sat at the table with us at the reception. There were a few other cousins/relatives her age around the table with their parents (people from my husband's side of the family), and then my husband's sister came over and started talking and being friendly. She lives abroad, so hasn't seen everyone in years.

Anyway, she started complimenting the other children, telling them they have lovely dresses, lovely hairstyles, that they look beautiful. Telling the parents stuff like the kids are gorgeous, have lovely faces, are a credit to the family, etc... She was asking all sorts of questions, like where they bought the outfits, how school's going, stuff like that.

She didn't say one word to my daughter, who she is related to. In the middle of praising these other kids, she literally looked at my daughter and had an unimpressed look on her face, like my child isn't as pretty as the others, then continued talking to the other kids. She noticed me giving her a dirty look/suspicious look, and then put on a fake grin and told me my daughter had a nice bracelet.

I admit my daughter isn't that good looking, but she's not ugly and wears nice clothes and has nice natural blonde hair. It's not nice to exclude her like this. You might think I'm overreacting, but I know for a fact this woman is superficial and critical of appearances because she lived with me and my husband for a while about 10 years ago, and she literally couldn't watch a movie without saying something nasty as the actors' appearances, if she found them ugly or aging. She'd say the same thing about child actors.

She obviously thinks my child is ugly.

You had me on your side until you said that your daughter "isn't that good looking". Wtaf.

Also, you go on to say "People are always bleaching and dyeing their hair to get the type of blonde hair my daughter naturally has. That's what I mean. It's her best feature. It's a golden, sandy colour, like a golden retriever." Firstly, you just compared your daughter to a dog. Secondly, you go on about your relative being obsessed with appearances, but here you are talking about how wonderful your daughter's hair is and how everybody supposedly wants her hair colour 🤦🏽‍♀️

@Unexpectedlysinglemum OP said the SIL said other things, not just related to looks. That the kids were a credit to their families, how was their school going.... Its the OP who has solely focused on the looks part and has gone on to say her own DD is not good looking! How do you think that is ok?

? I don't get this.

I guess to you and others like @Festivemoose, physical beauty is a really, really important trait. To me there are more important things.

Objectively I'm pretty ugly (I was called pig nose in school and relatives would always praise my siblings' looks and then look at me and pause awkwardly, etc etc). My DH is conventionally unattractive, and our children inherited both our (lack of) looks. Basically we all look quite piggish and sunken.

Physically, I love EVERY single big and small thing about my DH and my kids. I love their smiles, their hair, their lashes, their cheeks, my DH's odd freakish toes, every single beautiful and weird and wonderful thing about them. In my heart, they are the most beautiful creatures ever.

But according to arbitrary, superficial, external societal standards, are they/we good looking or even average? No. I think it's okay to admit that, just as it's okay to admit maybe your child isn't academic or sporty or etc. I wouldn't tell my child that for sure, but it's OK to admit to yourself.

The "of COURSE you're beautiful sweetheart" message is damaging, because it strongly implies it's not OK to be physically unattractive. I heard this line all my life, usually said after an awkward silence and in very stilted tones from superficial adults (including my vv superficial mum). I used to plan for plastic surgery but I guess after meeting DH I learnt to love my own features, truly :-)

If a child wasn't good at ballet or football, you wouldn't insist they were their whole life! At some point they'd realise the truth and then feel shit they couldn't live up to what you clearly value (ballet/football skill). Instead, you'd focus on emphasising all their other great strengths and traits. My children are brilliant, kind, funny and just wonderful.

Oh good grief. What a stretch. She never said blonde hair is better than dark hair. She obviously just meant that her daughter had a particularly nice shade of hair, just like jet black or chestnut hair might be seen as inicer than mousy brown.

The more you post, the more it sounds like you're the issue.

I really don't get why people are flaming the OP. The sister should have said something nice to her niece and taken an interest. The fact that she didn't do this implies that she is for whatever reason a bit of a cow. Maybe the DD is not classically beautiful and maybe the sister is so shallow that she can only compliment a classically attractive child. That speaks volumes about the sister in law but of course the Mum would be upset at her daughter being belittled.

I will say though that it depends on why OP is upset. If upset that the woman thinks your daughter is ugly, then YABU because why does it matter especially if it's the truth and that woman is horribly superficial? If upset that the daughter treated your daughter differently and hurt your daughter's feelings, YANBU.

I agree and perhaps she knows this so is pushing your buttons at the wedding OP

Bit if you don't find your own daughter pretty why would you expect SIL to?

OP, if she thinks your child is ugly, screw her. Just try to rise above it, I know it's hard.

I was ugly in Year 7 and I was ugly in Year 11 and I am ugly as an adult. :-) I mean by societal standards of course. I genuinely see the beauty in my own familiar face.

Why on earth does OP's daughter have to turn into a model just to be worthwhile, loved and valued? I don't understand why people (or maybe just women?) aren't just allowed to be ugly? Lots of ugly people exist by virtue of the fact that if you set a certain societal standard, many people will fall below them, some quite extremely.

“There's no need to feel sorry for my daughter; she will never know I don't find her pretty” WOW just fucking WOW….

Your SIL should have given all the children a compliment, I would never have not said to them ALL you look amazing/handsome/love your dress/love your shoes etc.,because there’s nothing more beautiful than a child all dressed up feeling fab (even the ones that have clearly went to town on the onion rings 😂)

However, to say it’s ok I will never tell my child I think she’s ugly is something you need to address (a you problem not hers) it’s not a normal feeling/view to have of a child.

She doesn't have to turn into a model to be loved and valued!
i didn't say that.* *You're putting words in my mouth, so to speak.

i was pointing out that some people naturally change their looks as they get older.

And, of course women can be ugly or plain. And valued. But do note that human nature in itself looks towards to the better looking thing in life...the better looking house, the better looking cake, the better looking dog, the better looking painting.

It's just how it is, wrong or right.

I hope this is a wind up else you sound about as deep as a puddle.

You are getting a hard time OP. MN users have pulled a blinder- slagging you off for both not thinking your daughter is attractive, but also slagging you off for thinking your daughter has pretty hair 🤷‍♀️

I get it- you have eyes in your head and you can tell if your child is conventionally pretty or not.

You can love and adore your child no matter what they look like. And there is so much more to children than their looks. People suggesting that it’s outrageous to say your child isn’t conventionally pretty are being ridiculous. Would they say that if you said your child wasn’t good at sport? Or wasn’t very academic?

And it’s not racist to say your child has beautiful blonde hair! Blonde hair/curly hair/ red hair/braided hair/ Afro hair can all be gorgeous fgs!

However, I’d just ignore SIL - she’s a twat.

Booster her self esteem and stop focusing on looks @jannier

"Booster" 😁

Totally agree with this sad comment :-(

Superficial idiot comes to mind, so really why would you care about her opinion. An early lesson in our house is that you are more than how you look and relying on the validation of others regarding how you look is a massive mistake. You should be your daughter's biggest cheerleader and suggesting at the age of 7 she " isn't that good looking", well seems a bit sad really. What counts and " good looking" anyway, other than a load of societal nonsense and putting this on to children is just awful. Let children be children and take their looks out of it.

Jfc wtf did i just read? 🤣

People are being ridiculous.

You can think your kids are amazing and adore them without needing to think they are the most physically attractive kids out there. I personally feel that the shock displayed in some messages that the OP is admitting her child isn't the prettiest says more about them. Why do you NEED to believe your child is stunningly beautiful?

And you know what I'm sure if her daughter had thick black shiny hair or whatever she'd have referenced that as a great feature too.

The SIL sounds awful. Better that she found more creative complements, tell ALL the kids they look cool or stylish or whatever. Don't talk about their attractiveness, it's chance and means nothing about who they are.

I absolutely agree with this^. OP was talking about perception of beauty, she didn’t criticise her daughter in any way. She tried to look realistically at the situation.

To answer your question OP - YANBU to be upset that your SIL behaved this way. However I didn’t think it’s about how your DD looked, it was about your and your DH’s relationship with SIL. So basically you should be upset that your SIL doesn’t like you and not even hiding it and actually unfairly treats her niece who is just a child and can’t answer back. It’s very upsetting, especially if you are friendly yourself. It’s much better to have nice relationships with relatives.

Genuinely so confused lol. "But do note that human nature in itself looks towards to the better looking thing in life...the better looking house, the better looking cake, the better looking dog, the better looking painting." What is this even supposed to mean?

Hate to break it to you, but people aren't houses, cakes, dogs or paintings. How odd to compare a human to a cake or dog. Woof woof.

@Agapornis

Re " I think I've found a photo of the daughter. "

Did you really think it was fair to post that horrible picture about a child?
Not funny. Just nasty.

OP never said her child was not good looking. She said "she isn't that good looking" which I took to mean she is not extraordinarily pretty. Not ever child is incredibly beautiful looking. We should not be judging children on their looks. Is the child funny, kind, emphatic, compassionate? That is what matters. If I see a child who is not beautiful by society's standards but is wearing a nice dress I will say "that dress looks beautiful on you", or "you look so pretty in that dress".