To end reconciliation plans over this?

[Sutured]

I split up with my long term partner a month ago over a house.

Basically I moved in with him to his flat that was far too small. It was only meant to be temporary and we'd agreed we'd buy a bigger flat together. That had been the plan for about four years.

I've never owned a flat or home and I'm 46, so this was really important to me. Without sounding like a sappy moron, us buying a place together was genuinely a dream for me and I'd been looking forward to it for so long. Saving up and all that.

I have two DCs in university, so when I moved into DPs flat temporarily, it definitely wasn't a family home as it didn't have bedrooms for them. So it was a big, big, big issue.

DP promised we'd buy a bigger place but then didn't. He kept putting it off and after a year of no movement from him on it, I gave him and ultimatum that either we moved into a family home for me and DC, or I was moving on my own.

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent because I couldn't buy on my own

I was completely devastated. I felt so let down and ultimately betrayed by DP and couldn't believe really that after all my investment in a joint future that I ended up renting a house miles from anywhere on my own.

Of course DC will come "home" for a few weeks a year, but it still isn't the joint family home and future I'd been wanting.

DP spent weeks apologising and begging and asking how he could fix it. So I started speaking to him again. Mostly about the fact that in our 5 year relationship he makes decisions that aren't for us as a team and are more for him as an individual.

To my horror, he then said to me he'd been looking at bigger houses to buy ON HIS OWN. I was apoplectic with rage! After dicking me and DC around for a year he miraculously is able to buy one as soon as I leave????

I went literally BALLISTIC and didn't speak to him for a week. Then he came back to me, begging blah blah and said he realised I was right about everything etc and that he couldn't lose me and we started discussing reconciliation.

Anyway, after a week of that, he told me tonight that he bought the house last week!!! Literally after I told him that was the worst possible thing for us as a couple, he literally went to see it, made an offer, sorted the mortgage and FUCKING BOUGHT IT.

He is crying and begging and saying it's OUR HOUSE but it fucking isn't is it? Committed couples don't act like this do they???

I've run this past my best friend and she thinks IABU, that he bought a big house and says its for us and wants to be together in it but this doesn't feel normal???

I feel heartbroken

Is it me?

If you get closer to resolving there one he's bought goes in joint names before you move in with him. Getting married would be a good idea if you both want to make a go of it. But unless he's amenable to real steps to show her means it, start working to get over him and living your life without him

When you were living in his flat were you paying half towards everything?

What were your living arrangements before you moved in?

I would move on without him. He doesn’t seem to have your interests at heart

You say that you've never owned a flat or home.

Were you expecting to be partners as soon as you moved in to his property?

Maybe he didn’t want to buy together but felt he couldn’t say that. Maybe he felt he was being used as a means for you to achieve your home owner dream. Maybe he just wants to protect his investment. If I were him, I would do the same. This has been your pipeline dream for you both for 4 years, which implies you started on that route after only a year together.

Sounds like he has a bit of a problem using his ears to listen with and his memory isn't good either.

Everytime you restart talking to him again everything discussed previously gets forgotten by him.

I'd be furious personally. I'd move on without him, he's not listening to what's important to you.

People are typically rational actors; ie. Their behaviour makes sense in the context of how they feel / what they want. He clearly didn’t want to purchase a property with you, that’s why he’s done what he’s done. That’s not to say he doesn’t want to be with you, but he’s clearly not prepared to buy with you. You need to have an open conversation with him and why that is snd then decide if it’s a dealbreaker. Sounds like he’s been paying lip service to your plans with no intention of following through.

Got it in one.

Tell him you'll believe his nice words once he shows you proof your name is on the deeds along with his

I feel like we need more information. Did you have the money to pay for half the deposit and pay half of the mortgage?

We're you contributing to the costs of living with him?

At the moment, it sounds like you wanted to buy a house to live in and own together with HIS money but I may have it wrong?

Maybe he felt that you were using him to achieve something.

He stitched you up good and proper.. I bet he sapped you financially also didn't he? Block him op. And pretend he doesn't exist..

YANBU You told him that he makes decisions as an individual not as a couple and then he went and did exactly that.

Just move on OP. It's not worth all the bullshit. End things for good, block his number/email/social media and enjoy your home.

Has he been able to save up a nice deposit while you've been living in his flat and paying half the bills and the mortgage?

Are you paying for exactly half? If not, clearly he doesn't feel ready to "gift" you half a house for free. I don't think it's really fair to force him into that position.

It would be different if you had been together for a lifetime, you raised kids together etc, but you've only been together a couple of years. I also wonder if he was subsidising your costs as it was his flat.

I believe money and assets are only a means to an end and should be shared with loved ones, but at the same time everyone has worked hard for their own money. We still need to be wise about other's motives and/or possible scenarios when things go South.

My family home is in my name because my parents paid for almost all of it btw. I love my DH very much and have always intended to put the house in his name as well. But I wouldn't have let him coerce me into it in the early years when we first met.

He is not a vehicle with which to buy a house. I could have bought one two years ago with someone else. I picked him over several other men who already owned houses. He was the poorest person I was dating at the time and at the time I earned more than he did.

This was about a shared vision of the future. I loved him. I sacrificed a lot to be with him. He took a job that took him out of town for very long periods, which I hated but he said it was to save money for "our house". It wasn't easy to live with various things but I did because it was for "our future".

I'm well aware he didn't want to buy a house with me (although he's claiming its "ours" it's obviously not). He obviously didn't want to and didn't care if he screwed me over completely.

Like I said, him making life choices based only on his needs has been a repetitive issue in the relationship but I just can't believe he BOUGHT A FUCKING HOUSE WITHOUT ME.

I don't understand. You say you've been together for 5 years and living together for 4. Yet 2 years ago you could have bought a house with someone else you were dating.

If you were dating other people while living with him no wonder he doesn't want to buy a house with you.

OR this is all nade up.

You posted about this before.

The background is that you were hating living life with all of your things in storage and no room for dc returning from uni in the holidays. He had issues committing to a new house, he was afraid of being unable to afford it without you should you leave him. Not unreasonably as he also has dependents as well.

You moved away, and ended the relationship. He promised he would buy a house to try and repair the relationship and show you he was ready to commit to you.

It seems that is exactly what he has done.

Its up to you now op.

You either accept his offer and see where it takes you? Or you remain where you are and start over.

There is far too much anger and drama. Your decision is a simple one.

I don't really understand the story. You had lots of men you could have bought a house with but choose him? That really doesn't sound like a healthy basis of a relationship - it sounds like you are using him for a house not in a genuinely loving partnership.

I don't quite understand if he earns less money than you how he has now been able to buy a house without you whilst you can't? Either way the relationship doesn't sound well balanced with clear and open communications. Maybe he doesn't trust your motivations OP, that you are genuine about your feelings for him and felt bulldozed. He might feel that the house is your main motivation for being with him and you don't actually care about him. Afterall it does sound like that's your primary concern in picking a partner - from the many you could have?.

Well done for buying a property. He doesn’t love you. Dump him today.

I was on your side thinking the cheek of him doing that, but nearly buying a house with other man/men two years ago but you picked him, what on earth 🤔