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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end reconciliation plans over this?

274 replies

Sutured · 30/09/2023 20:53

I split up with my long term partner a month ago over a house.

Basically I moved in with him to his flat that was far too small. It was only meant to be temporary and we'd agreed we'd buy a bigger flat together. That had been the plan for about four years.

I've never owned a flat or home and I'm 46, so this was really important to me. Without sounding like a sappy moron, us buying a place together was genuinely a dream for me and I'd been looking forward to it for so long. Saving up and all that.

I have two DCs in university, so when I moved into DPs flat temporarily, it definitely wasn't a family home as it didn't have bedrooms for them. So it was a big, big, big issue.

DP promised we'd buy a bigger place but then didn't. He kept putting it off and after a year of no movement from him on it, I gave him and ultimatum that either we moved into a family home for me and DC, or I was moving on my own.

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent because I couldn't buy on my own

I was completely devastated. I felt so let down and ultimately betrayed by DP and couldn't believe really that after all my investment in a joint future that I ended up renting a house miles from anywhere on my own.

Of course DC will come "home" for a few weeks a year, but it still isn't the joint family home and future I'd been wanting.

DP spent weeks apologising and begging and asking how he could fix it. So I started speaking to him again. Mostly about the fact that in our 5 year relationship he makes decisions that aren't for us as a team and are more for him as an individual.

To my horror, he then said to me he'd been looking at bigger houses to buy ON HIS OWN. I was apoplectic with rage! After dicking me and DC around for a year he miraculously is able to buy one as soon as I leave????

I went literally BALLISTIC and didn't speak to him for a week. Then he came back to me, begging blah blah and said he realised I was right about everything etc and that he couldn't lose me and we started discussing reconciliation.

Anyway, after a week of that, he told me tonight that he bought the house last week!!! Literally after I told him that was the worst possible thing for us as a couple, he literally went to see it, made an offer, sorted the mortgage and FUCKING BOUGHT IT.

He is crying and begging and saying it's OUR HOUSE but it fucking isn't is it? Committed couples don't act like this do they???

I've run this past my best friend and she thinks IABU, that he bought a big house and says its for us and wants to be together in it but this doesn't feel normal???

I feel heartbroken

Is it me?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sutured · 01/10/2023 11:30

You've misunderstood.

What I meant was I wasn't using him to buy a house! I had plenty is options of people I dated before him who were in a much better position.

I chose to do it with him because I loved him and invested years of my life in him.

I wasn't using him to get a house!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sutured · 01/10/2023 11:32

I don't understand. You say you've been together for 5 years and living together for 4. Yet 2 years ago you could have bought a house with someone else you were dating

I worded this badly because I was in shock.

I meant if I'd dated someone else 5 years ago, I could have bought a home much earlier.

OP posts:
margotrose · 01/10/2023 11:33

Honestly, it reads as though you only want to be in any kind of relationship because you need help buying a property.

Comtesse · 01/10/2023 11:34

He says one thing but does something else - repeatedly. I think you should put you and your kids first and stopping putting this future-faking man in the driving seat.

Original poster
Sutured · 01/10/2023 11:34

You moved away, and ended the relationship. He promised he would buy a house to try and repair the relationship and show you he was ready to commit to you

He suggested that. I told him it absolutely was NOT what I wanted, that if he did that I would be done with the relationship.

He did it anyway and lied.

Claims (not kidding) he bought the house "by accident"

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 01/10/2023 11:38

Walk away with your pride intact. He’s not for you. He never wanted to buy a house with you as he wants to make sure he can Chuck you out if he wants as it’s his house.

Theunamedcat · 01/10/2023 11:42

How do you buy a house by accident? A cake yes maybe even a puppy but an ENTIRE HOUSE?

lionsleepstonight · 01/10/2023 11:45

It all sounds terrible, but buying a house 'together' when unmarried and/or have children from previous relationships, means both parties put in equal deposits and contrbute equally to all running costs.

Was that how you were going into it?

If he was putting in all the cash I can understand his reluctance to buy with you (solely to protect his DC inheritance if nothing else).

YaWeeFurryBastard · 01/10/2023 11:46

To be honest, it sounds like he would have been contributing a LOT more than you to the purchase since he’s now been able to buy alone. Unfortunately I think that’s probably a large part of the issue that he was unwilling to be the main funder of your family home.

Mrsttcno1 · 01/10/2023 11:52

I agree with some of the previous posters, the fact he’s been able to buy the bigger house alone and so quickly makes me think he was possibly going to be contributing more to the purchase/payments so I can understand his reluctance to buy together. I also wonder if he’s been “stung” by something like this before, I know one of my friends who bought a house with her then partner, only to end up separating a few years later, she ended up losing a lot of money and has always said since then that even if she were to meet Mr Right now, she wouldn’t commit to a joint mortgage with him because that experience has taught her the importance of protecting her own interests. And she makes a good point, nobody gets married or buys a house with someone thinking it will all fall apart, but once you’ve been through it once and dealt with the hassle, you are often much wiser than to have another go!

rubydoobydoo · 01/10/2023 11:52

I'm a little confused as to the issue.
The reason you ended the relationship was as he wouldn't commit to buying a bigger house.

He has now bought a bigger house but you are now saying this is the worst thing he could have done? He is probably getting mixed messages!

margotrose · 01/10/2023 11:53

rubydoobydoo · 01/10/2023 11:52

I'm a little confused as to the issue.
The reason you ended the relationship was as he wouldn't commit to buying a bigger house.

He has now bought a bigger house but you are now saying this is the worst thing he could have done? He is probably getting mixed messages!

OP wanted them to buy a house together.

2chocolateoranges · 01/10/2023 11:58

People in a committed relationship work together to achieve things in life. Houses, cars etc should all be discussions with both parties being involved in decisions and purchases.

I wouldn’t be with someone who bought a house themselves without me on the deeds or without my financial input either.

AutumnFroglets · 01/10/2023 11:58

I remember you. I'm glad you managed to get away and find a place where your children could visit.

He's not a partner OP. If he was he would have taken you to see the house and get your thoughts on it, the pros and cons, the location, even if it wasn't a joint purchase. He doesn't value your opinion, he doesn't hear your voice, he doesn't respect you. Which make his tears meaningless really.

For context, my DD is seeing someone just over a year. He has asked her opinion on a new kitchen in his house, the layout, the cupboards, the handles, the colour, the flooring, the tiles. Everything. He listens, he discusses, despite it being his house and his money.

Gerrataere · 01/10/2023 12:10

rubydoobydoo · 01/10/2023 11:52

I'm a little confused as to the issue.
The reason you ended the relationship was as he wouldn't commit to buying a bigger house.

He has now bought a bigger house but you are now saying this is the worst thing he could have done? He is probably getting mixed messages!

I don’t think it’s mixed messages. One of the (many) issues between me and my ex was the fact we had a started home in need of refurbishing. That was the deal when we moved in, do it up, sell for a profit and move to a decent sized family home. It was part of our ‘journey’ (for lack of better word as that one is naff) as a couple for a solid longterm commitment of our family and finances. 5 years in, I was the only one who’d paid into any diy. He did half jobs, ignored the big issues, house actually started to fall into disrepair. I had an estate agent around when house selling suddenly went madly in the up, could have still made a min 40k profit but it still didn’t motivate him. We split (for other reasons as well I’ll add) and I’m not in the position to buy so now have a bigger home but it’s a rental. He has spent the last few months fixing the house 🙄.

It’s a huge kick really, spending all that mental effort planning the future, trying to find security for both people, only for them to drag their heels then fully jump the fence when splitting. It’s obviously something they were willing to do, just not with/for you. This new house isn’t for the op, it’s only a win win for the ex. He gets the house and he might get his ex back. But she has no choice in the home, no security in it and has to be grateful he finally has done the thing she wanted years ago despite it now just being a mark of disrespect?

I do get the complications from the financial side for her ex. Legally sharing a house can be a huge commitment, especially if costs aren’t shared fairly and she’s expecting ‘more’ due to housing her children at times. That is a separate issue here though, as it is I think the op has a right to be angry.

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 01/10/2023 12:17

You are not currently a couple or living together, so you don't get a veto over his living arrangements or what he does with his money.

YouveGotAFastCar · 01/10/2023 12:17

Sutured · 01/10/2023 11:34

You moved away, and ended the relationship. He promised he would buy a house to try and repair the relationship and show you he was ready to commit to you

He suggested that. I told him it absolutely was NOT what I wanted, that if he did that I would be done with the relationship.

He did it anyway and lied.

Claims (not kidding) he bought the house "by accident"

He's very likely to have been pretty far through the process by then. He didn't do viewings, identify his house, get a mortgage, exchange and complete within a week. He may have completed last week and exchanged the week before, but surveys and mortgage offers etc were before that.

To be brutally honest, I suspect if you'd come here and said you were reconciling with someone after an on/off relationship and were about to exchange, people would advise you to go through with the purchase.

Is it in the right area? Does it look like a bachelor pad, or a family home?

Layla30 · 01/10/2023 12:22

Wondering if he didn’t want to buy together due to the inevitable inheritance to your children. I am not insinuating that he has anything against your children at all but in a relationship that’s only a few years old where the children are not his it is possibly something he is concerned about but feels he can’t be honest about it!

5128gap · 01/10/2023 12:24

He seems to want to be in a relationship with you but not to co own a house with you. Which given your life stages and the fact that he seems more financially secure than you, plus you want your children catered for, is probably not that unreasonable of him.
What is unreasonable is that rather than have the courage to say no to you, he's strung you along and lied by omission. He sounds rather a weak individual to me which is unattractive.
He's also on a different page from you about pooling assets so it doesn't sound a good fit.

margotrose · 01/10/2023 12:24

To be brutally honest, I suspect if you'd come here and said you were reconciling with someone after an on/off relationship and were about to exchange, people would advise you to go through with the purchase.

Well, yes, exactly. Any woman in his situation would be advised to protect themselves and buy alone.

The issue here is that he lied about what he wanted and what he was planning, but I don't think him buying a property alone was anything other than sensible.

Shinyandnew1 · 01/10/2023 12:27

How much deposit do you have save? What about him? How do your current salaries compare?

it sounds like you can’t afford to buy on your own but he can, is that right? That suggests either his salary or deposit is much higher than yours?

DelphiniumBlue · 01/10/2023 12:30

It take ages to buy a house, you only have to look at the threads on here to know it takes months, not weeks or days. Even if you buy in an auction, it still takes 28 days, and that is assuming that the mortgage had already been lined up ( which also takes weeks). So he is bullshitting you.
Further, if he was intending it to be a joint property, it would be in your name too. You'd need to be on the mortgage, you can't get a sole mortgage on a jointly owned property, so this is more bullshit.
Don't reconcile with this man, he can't be trusted.

Thementalloadisreal · 01/10/2023 12:33

rubydoobydoo · 01/10/2023 11:52

I'm a little confused as to the issue.
The reason you ended the relationship was as he wouldn't commit to buying a bigger house.

He has now bought a bigger house but you are now saying this is the worst thing he could have done? He is probably getting mixed messages!

You’d be happy with someone buying a house potentially for you to share with them but without you ever seeing it or having a say?!

PandaExpress · 01/10/2023 12:37

I'd tell him you want a joint house and marriage. You don't want to live in HIS house with him. It's up to him what he does with that information.

orangegato · 01/10/2023 12:41

He doesn’t want you or your kids owning any part of what sees as ‘his’ asset and is reserving the right to fuck you all off when he sees fit.

Get your own house and delete this man, you are not and never will be a team.