To end reconciliation plans over this?

[Sutured]

I split up with my long term partner a month ago over a house.

Basically I moved in with him to his flat that was far too small. It was only meant to be temporary and we'd agreed we'd buy a bigger flat together. That had been the plan for about four years.

I've never owned a flat or home and I'm 46, so this was really important to me. Without sounding like a sappy moron, us buying a place together was genuinely a dream for me and I'd been looking forward to it for so long. Saving up and all that.

I have two DCs in university, so when I moved into DPs flat temporarily, it definitely wasn't a family home as it didn't have bedrooms for them. So it was a big, big, big issue.

DP promised we'd buy a bigger place but then didn't. He kept putting it off and after a year of no movement from him on it, I gave him and ultimatum that either we moved into a family home for me and DC, or I was moving on my own.

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent because I couldn't buy on my own

I was completely devastated. I felt so let down and ultimately betrayed by DP and couldn't believe really that after all my investment in a joint future that I ended up renting a house miles from anywhere on my own.

Of course DC will come "home" for a few weeks a year, but it still isn't the joint family home and future I'd been wanting.

DP spent weeks apologising and begging and asking how he could fix it. So I started speaking to him again. Mostly about the fact that in our 5 year relationship he makes decisions that aren't for us as a team and are more for him as an individual.

To my horror, he then said to me he'd been looking at bigger houses to buy ON HIS OWN. I was apoplectic with rage! After dicking me and DC around for a year he miraculously is able to buy one as soon as I leave????

I went literally BALLISTIC and didn't speak to him for a week. Then he came back to me, begging blah blah and said he realised I was right about everything etc and that he couldn't lose me and we started discussing reconciliation.

Anyway, after a week of that, he told me tonight that he bought the house last week!!! Literally after I told him that was the worst possible thing for us as a couple, he literally went to see it, made an offer, sorted the mortgage and FUCKING BOUGHT IT.

He is crying and begging and saying it's OUR HOUSE but it fucking isn't is it? Committed couples don't act like this do they???

I've run this past my best friend and she thinks IABU, that he bought a big house and says its for us and wants to be together in it but this doesn't feel normal???

I feel heartbroken

Is it me?

OP wants to own a house. It's not just about them living together in a house, it's that she needs him to enable her to buy.
He, who has the choice to buy alone, has decided its in his best interests to do so, which many older solvent people would.
However, cutting her out of the purchase means the OP has lost her chance of home ownership.
If that was his intention he should have been upfront.

This.
What was the level of pooling assets? Do you have 50% of deposit and mortgage?
Re the dc, how many are there and will they all get their own room?

Having a re read op. Seems to me he didn't want to buy a home to accommodate ( more expensive) to house your dc...

But you seem angry and even previous people you've dated have been assessed on their ability to help buy you a house.

Understand you have a dream, but maybe it's making you come across a bit grabby (which most smart people can spot a mile and take steps to protect themselves from).

It does all seem to be about buying a house based on what you've shared.

I don’t know what the issue is? You have decided this is no longer the relationship for you. So what difference does it make that he is moving to a house(or not )?

You still have time to buy your own house, even if it's not as big as you would like. Don't rely on anyone else to put a roof over your head.

He doesn't want to buy a house with you. He wants to buy his own house and have you around to contribute financially and increase his assets for him. You've already left him, keep it that way.

You say you can't afford a 3 bed house by yourself, but do you really need three bedrooms when your kids aren't home that often? A two bed and a sofa bed in the lounge would work. Your kids aren't far off wanting to make their own homes. Don't keep sinking money into renting for the sake of keeping two rooms empty for kids who are barely there at the moment and won't be there at all in the not too distant future. Knowing they've always got a roof over their at yours is all the security they need, they don't need personal rooms always waiting for them.

Depending on the suitability of the house (for you) and his other redeeming features I would perhaps give this one last chance. Practically, it seems madness for him to sell the house however if you were both prepared to make it a joint home I'd consider moving in.
There are of course caveats. The main one would be that any input comes from him. Find out the value of the house and work out if you could afford to buy 50%. If you can, all he needs to do is let you know when he's happy to sell. Until then continue as you are. Put the ball well and truly in his court.

I don't think it was 'as soon' but 4 years?!

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent

Where did you live before you moved in with him?

Did you say how much of a deposit you’d saved compared to him?

I am sorry I have been really struggling. I feel quite traumatised, which I know sounds over the top but here's more details.

He has form for "commitment phobia". Hence I was very calm and clear with him from early on, that I wanted no nonsense. That I'd been screwed over in the past and just wanted someone on the level with genuine intentions towards a shared life and shared goals. Part of that was owning a home as I am older and want some security for old age (ie: a place to live).

It wasn't an "on off relationship", it was an extremely committed relationship that I left in the end because he simply would not move forward with his commitment to buy a home that fitted my DC in it. He wanted us to just live indefinitely in HIS flat which was far too small, and it was harming my children.

I did have more money that him for the first few years. However, later on he earned more than me. However, a large part of the reason that he had the large savings and I didn't was two factors.

First of all he took a job that meant he was away a lot in order to save for "our future". I really didn't want to be in a relationship where I only saw my partner for 12 weeks a year and it was a huge sacrifice and disappointment at the time, which made me very unhappy, but which I accepted because he was saving for "OUR" future. NOT to fuck off and buy a house ON HIS OWN.

Secondly, over that period he was saving, I more or less paid for everything. Holidays, nights out, our shared car. Everything. The deal was that he was doing the saving up and I covered day to day costs. Hence I feel he has basically swindled me in effect. I completely trusted him. COMPLETELY.

I had saved up some money, but when he screwed me over on moving, I had to rent a house - deposits, moving fans, had to buy all the white goods and furniture so that cleaned me out to the tune of more than half my savings and it was a crushing blow to me to be back in the renters trap after working so hard and sacrificing so much.

He knew all this, and he knew a shared home and sense of safety was very important to me. He clearly didn't want to own a home with me and just lied to me for years about it. I heard every excuse in the book. And it isn't about money or title deeds. I looked forward to this my entire life.

The idea of working hard, saving money, looking for a new house, putting in an offer, cracking open bubbles when the sale was agreed, shopping for furniture and making it my own. I had a fucking Pinterest board for about a decade. And he knew this, and he took it from me.

He could have said "I am ready to buy a house, but not one YOU choose and not one YOU also own" and then I would have walked away years ago to someone who did want those things. Instead he manipulated me and guilt tripped me into believing all the houses we could afford just weren't suitable.

Lo and behold he's bought one within three fucking weeks of me going, and as a few posters have said what it's really about is that he wants the option to kick me out doesn't he? This man who is meant to love me and calls himself my FAMILY is obviously NOT that and I have been taken for a merry fool, sacrificed and been completely screwed over.

Oh he is saying now, "you can get the keys with me and it will be "ours" and you can decorate it and choose the tiles for the floors and it will be our home. I specifically got a house bigger so we would all fit and I was hoping you would come home".

But it's bollocks.

This is not giving ME a home and security.

It's giving HIM it, and I am welcome to live there too.

I wouldn’t say he has done this because he wants the option to kick you out, but more that he wants to protect his own interests and it makes more financial sense for him to do this. Lots of people make that decision, especially later in life and if they have been burnt before.

You keep saying he “took” this from you. He didn’t! If you want your own place, to decorate as you wish with your Pinterest board, then you can continue to save your money and do that yourself, as a lot of other posters have said, and probably how he feels if you have said these things to him, it seems that you were just with him because he was going to enable you to buy a house. Given that, I’m not surprised he wasn’t keen to do that. It’s a big decision to tie yourself to someone financially, I’m not sure I would be willing to do that if I wasn’t sure the person was with me for the right reasons.

The only other option he had would have been to possibly look into buying the house with you, and then at the stage of solicitors and mortgages, ring fencing his investment to protect it by organising a 70/30 (or whatever the split would have been), and if that was the case then you would probably still have been posting here about not being equal partners.

It doesn’t sound like the relationship was right-you both wanted different things. If you want to buy yourself a house, keep on saving towards that deposit.

@Mrsttcno1

I wouldn’t say he has done this because he wants the option to kick you out, but more that he wants to protect his own interests and it makes more financial sense for him to do this. Lots of people make that decision, especially later in life and if they have been burnt before

That's fine, if you don't mislead the other person for several years. He told me I was making sacrifices for a deposit for our home. Had I know he had this attitude I would not have agreed.

You keep saying he “took” this from you. He didn’t! If you want your own place, to decorate as you wish with your Pinterest board, then you can continue to save your money and do that yourself, as a lot of other posters have said, and probably how he feels if you have said these things to him, it seems that you were just with him because he was going to enable you to buy a house

The complete opposite is true. When we met close to six years ago I was happily dating and meeting lots of men. He was penniless! I was the one who had more money. Had I been after "someone" to help me buy a house, I would have picked someone much more suitable for that role!

And he has prevented me. My life choices would have been completely different if I hadn't been working to a mutual agreement. For example had I not believed "our money" was "ours", I would not have paid for all the bloody holidays! He could have paid half couldn't he?

Secondly, I would not have stayed in a relationship longer than two years where we didn't live in a shared, rented house. Simply because if you are on one salary and you're not a millionaire if you are renting in London it's very hard to pay rent and bills by yourself and still save sufficiently to buy.

As it was, my DC were still in school about half an hour from where he worked. Moving was not an option for me until they finished school. He insisted he just could not commute from where I lived, no way could he and so I agreed (despite it being the least best option for me financially) to continue paying two rents.

Then latterly, as I said he took a job where he was more or less away constantly for about 18 months during which I was also paying rent alone. Then finally, after DC moved on to university, I would have moved out of London had I know he would do this. It's far cheaper!

Me not having the money is a direct result of choosing to invest in him promising he was putting together OUR savings for OUR home. I completely believed that to be true and as a result I will not have to start again from scratch - late in life - and saving anything beyond a couple of hundred a month will be impossible for me.

So what I am realistically looking at is maybe having a house deposit in 10 years. I will be 56. What am I going to do then? I haven't looked into it, but can I even BUY a house then? I can't understand why you can't see he led me up the garden path. You can't tell someone something and have them base life decisions on trusting you, and then screw them completely over.

The only other option he had would have been to possibly look into buying the house with you, and then at the stage of solicitors and mortgages, ring fencing his investment to protect it by organising a 70/30 (or whatever the split would have been), and if that was the case then you would probably still have been posting here about not being equal partners

If he wants to take that attitude I'd like a 50% refund on our car payments, holidays, food bills....I even paid for things for his bloody DC! We were, for all intents and purposes a single financial unit. It's only now he has completely screwed me over.

And he has prevented me. My life choices would have been completely different if I hadn't been working to a mutual agreement. For example had I not believed "our money" was "ours", I would not have paid for all the bloody holidays! He could have paid half couldn't he?

But that was your choice. You're very angry but IMO you were very foolish to give up your financial independence and move in with this man without any kind of protection in place for you and your DC.

You spending your money so he could save his money 'for the both of you' is the height of batshittery.

But that was your choice

Based on false data.

You spending your money so he could save his money 'for the both of you' is the height of batshittery

I was the one who organised everything - Christmas presents, shopping, holidays, so I paid for it. It never ocurred to me in a million years he would ever screw me over.

I accept my own responsibility for that, but then I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who would do that.

All you’ve detailed in your reply is all of the choices YOU have made. You chose to pay for all of the holidays, you chose to pay for the car, you chose to continue paying 2 rents. You not having this money is a direct result of the decisions YOU made, he didn’t provide you any assurances beyond his own word and if buying a home was as important to you as you say it is- and you didn’t want or need to rely on him to do so- then I can’t see why you would sacrifice even a penny of your savings or potential to save for anyone.

It’s also possible that he had every intention of buying a home with you, just not on your timescale, and I can’t say I really blame him when by your own admission you gave him an ultimatum- either buy with me or I’m moving alone. Hardly a trust and love filled way to kick off a huge financial commitment with someone is it?

You might have saw yourself as a single financial unit, but as 2 unmarried people, actually you weren’t ever a single financial unit.

The best thing you can do is put this behind you as a lesson learned.

Based on false data.

It was still a choice. You're a grown adult with grown up children - why aren't you taking any responsibility for your decisions?

I'd dump

You wanted to buy together, he's run rough shod over this and even if you moved in it's HIS house not joint so you have no rights at all

I'd drop like a hot potato. He's begged and whined and still done what he wants unilaterally with no discussion.

He's blown it . Move on.

You’ve made some unsound decisions and I’m presuming are quite cross with yourself about it-I would be as well.

I think you need to focus on moving on now. Are you happy with your current rented house? If not, maybe look at moving if you don’t like the area.

Secondly, over that period he was saving, I more or less paid for everything. Holidays, nights out, our shared car. Everything. The deal was that he was doing the saving up and I covered day to day costs. Hence I feel he has basically swindled me in effect. I completely trusted him. COMPLETELY
So many nights out and holidays and use of the car did he take up/cost you if he was only there 12 weeks of the year?
How much did you spend? Just for him, not you and dc?

He very much used you. And mislead you. He isnt a team player. He never has been. Youve wasted five years on him. Font waste any more.

And of course op had no agency in any of that whatsoever...

Ok not to pile on but being objective – How much did your spending on him add up to? I mean the amount you wouldn't have spent if not for him. So things like holidays, Christmas shopping, cost of living, paying for rent, etc don't fully count because I'm sure you'd have done those things for yours and DC's sake as well. Only look at his share.

Would that amount – just his share – really have enabled you to buy a house or at least pay for a deposit? I think that sounds a bit unlikely.

So from his POV I think he is probably grateful for those joint expenses, and he's buying a big house for all of you to stay in for free, but maybe doesn't consider your contribution sufficient to qualify for half ownership?

Or is your argument simply that you dated the wrong man, and another man would have enabled you to buy a house? I guess I can sort of understand that. But – not to sound ageist – I think that would be more relevant as young people hoping to set up a family unit together. As a relatively mature couple seeing each other for just a few years, each / one side with own DC, many people at this age are going to protect themselves financially.