To end reconciliation plans over this?

[Sutured]

I split up with my long term partner a month ago over a house.

Basically I moved in with him to his flat that was far too small. It was only meant to be temporary and we'd agreed we'd buy a bigger flat together. That had been the plan for about four years.

I've never owned a flat or home and I'm 46, so this was really important to me. Without sounding like a sappy moron, us buying a place together was genuinely a dream for me and I'd been looking forward to it for so long. Saving up and all that.

I have two DCs in university, so when I moved into DPs flat temporarily, it definitely wasn't a family home as it didn't have bedrooms for them. So it was a big, big, big issue.

DP promised we'd buy a bigger place but then didn't. He kept putting it off and after a year of no movement from him on it, I gave him and ultimatum that either we moved into a family home for me and DC, or I was moving on my own.

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent because I couldn't buy on my own

I was completely devastated. I felt so let down and ultimately betrayed by DP and couldn't believe really that after all my investment in a joint future that I ended up renting a house miles from anywhere on my own.

Of course DC will come "home" for a few weeks a year, but it still isn't the joint family home and future I'd been wanting.

DP spent weeks apologising and begging and asking how he could fix it. So I started speaking to him again. Mostly about the fact that in our 5 year relationship he makes decisions that aren't for us as a team and are more for him as an individual.

To my horror, he then said to me he'd been looking at bigger houses to buy ON HIS OWN. I was apoplectic with rage! After dicking me and DC around for a year he miraculously is able to buy one as soon as I leave????

I went literally BALLISTIC and didn't speak to him for a week. Then he came back to me, begging blah blah and said he realised I was right about everything etc and that he couldn't lose me and we started discussing reconciliation.

Anyway, after a week of that, he told me tonight that he bought the house last week!!! Literally after I told him that was the worst possible thing for us as a couple, he literally went to see it, made an offer, sorted the mortgage and FUCKING BOUGHT IT.

He is crying and begging and saying it's OUR HOUSE but it fucking isn't is it? Committed couples don't act like this do they???

I've run this past my best friend and she thinks IABU, that he bought a big house and says its for us and wants to be together in it but this doesn't feel normal???

I feel heartbroken

Is it me?

That's what confuses me. She keeps saying they were saving, deceptively implying she was financing him and enabling his career, etc.

She wasn't saving. She wasn't setting aside a sum either in a joint account or her own account. Neither was she actually financing his entire life. She only paid 15k (or in any case, a fraction of an actual deposit) towards his leisure costs (holidays, sailing, etc).

She then expected him to save the entire purchase sum of 100+ K on his own. That's him saving, not them ("us") or her saving!

I do appreciate that he suddenly became protective of his own / his DC's assets. Like I said, I can understand bemoaning the lost years - could've met someone else earlier etc. But don't understand why OP keeps saying they were saving, using deceptive (imo) language about finances.

Bowing out of this thread as – as much as I understand the hurt and regret – I think taking ownership of life choices is something really lacking here. You cannot claim someone else forced you to spend 45K (60K if inclusive of him) for holidays and shopping for you and your DC, and neither can you claim 15K on sailing lessons financially propped him up in any way.

Ignoring all the wilfully obtuse posts now.

Anger and rage just gave way to the most awful pain of realisation that

A) He put me through all that pain, stress and unpleasant life consequences deliberately- and that he could have done what was agreed anytime.

B) This means I can't ever forgive him.

He was never the easiest. The commitment issues caused so many needless problems and often made basic life so bloody hard, but I really loved him.

A huge part of me believed he'd see me finally walking out as a wakeup call and that he'd work out a way of putting it all right and proving to me he was completely committed and I could rely on him to make decisions as a couple.

He instead did the opposite.

The ouch in my chest is making it a bit hard to take a full breath.

I guess he will complete on his new pad around Christmas, and we won't be together.

He sent me a message last night saying he wanted me every day, forever and that he wanted Christmas in "our" new home, with me making the usual "crazy" tree and our matching family tacky Christmas Pyjamas.

It's not easy loving someone who so persuasively tells you they desperately want and value those things, while simultaneously acting in ways to make them impossible.

I can't really believe "we" are gone. But we are.

Sutured

I really feel for you. It gets easier chic it really does. Just remember he did this, he can't have it all ways , he could have had that crazy tree and tacky pjs , all he had to do was stick to his word and include you in his life instead of riding over everything you held dear . That's totally on him . It's not you.

You said he's willing to financially recompense you ? I'd be asking for half the deposit you both saved up for . Then at least you have something to put down on your own pad .

Things will get easier . Don't lose your anger . I hope you find peace very soon with it all. X

Thanks lovely. I really don't care about the money. He can keep it all. I'll make more money. It's other things I lost that matter more.

Seriously I know exactly where you're coming from but take your half . If he's offered snap his hand off .

I left my ex with ,my dog and a suitcase

He sold "our" house a year ago and made 125k profit and now I'm kicking myself

@bemorebernard rtft, op didnt put any money in the deposit so none kf it woild be hers to take

I have read the thread thanks - she paid everything g else while he squirrels money away

She contributed and paid for his lifestyle. So sod off with your rtft comments

For context I lived with a guy in his house

I paid for decor and rugs and appliances , I paid rent

But he cleverly never let me say I was paying half the mortgage so when he drove me away he could pretend my contribution was nothing

I will never ever ever make that mistake again obviously but when you love someone and they fake a future it's easy to do

My rent was half his mortgage. But obviously I was entitled to nothing and he made 115k profit on his house because of the improvements my money paid for so I totally get where the op coming from and if he's offered to give her Some money back she should take it . Her money funded his lifestyle for 6 years.

Well he literally transferred £10,000 to me and said it was to cover my costs of moving. Wow! I wasn't expecting it and didn't ask for it. Just popped up on my phone.

He sent some very sobbing, desperate messages saying he just started crying in the gym. I just can't wrap my head around his completely crazy behaviour.

I'm starting to wonder if he has actually bought a house. Most people who do buy dont have a spare ten grand to gift away like that. At least, not until they've moved in, paid removals, solicitors etc, bought furniture/white goods that broke or didn't fit.

Many years ago, my abusive ex transferred a thousand pounds to me.
He told me it was to apologise for having got another women pregnant.
I spent it on a divorce lawyer.

Well whatever the case that's probably 3 or 4 years savings for me, so that's a good thing.

Sutured

10k while nice isn't what you contributed over 6 years or half the deposit . He's playing you . Poor baby is he all weepy now he's realised you have actually gone ? Remember all he had to do was buy a house with you , not alone to rectify this

He's playing you .

Sorry you're going through this OP it sounds like a mind fuck. Couple of questions, was this joint money not in a joint bank account that you both had access to? And why did you walk away from the relationship without half of the money? If you have joint savings, then the other person can't just steal them!

It was in shares not an account :)

Honestly, nevermind the money. I've never cared about money much - you might criticise me for that but I always think of money as replaceable.

I grew up wealthy (family are wealthy) so I suppose probably that's why it doesn't hold the same meaning for me.

When I ended up a parent on my own I never asked for anything. Their Dad never gave me a penny. Although my parents send the kids money every month (very helpful) the rest I do myself, and I know I'm bloody lucky on that front.

All I really wanted was the sense of a proper home and the hurt I feel is more about loss of trust than the money.

Wow, some people are nasty, jealous cows. You gave total unconditional love to someone who didn’t realise how fortunate he was.
Whatever you decide I wish you all the best.

@Skipthisstep82

You know what they say! It's not really love unless you're willing to give up a stable home for your children for a man who won't keep promises!

I'm a right bitch aren't I? Should have just stayed in his flat indefinitely. What kind of needy, demanding bitch agrees with a partner to save for a house and actually expects them to, err, buy it at some point? How bloody dare I.

Sure, my university aged children might only be actually at university for 6 or 7 months of the year, but sleeping on the sofa will be character building! I'll just keep all our belongings in storage forever. Homes are so over rated! We only had one sofa though, so maybe one could sleep in the bath?

Or, better yet, do what they did for a year and stay at my parents. Raising them for 18 years was quite enough! I don't need to see them. I can just let them piss off and I'll stay at his flat and make his dinner to show how real my love is!!!

@70cats thank you xxx

I understood the OP perfectly Skip.

Stop nitpicking and look at the bigger picture of one person promising something to another for years and breaking that promise. It hurts.

You’re being extremely goady to OP.

She’s done the right thing prioritising buying a home over a relationship with a man who future faked her.