To end reconciliation plans over this?

[Sutured]

I split up with my long term partner a month ago over a house.

Basically I moved in with him to his flat that was far too small. It was only meant to be temporary and we'd agreed we'd buy a bigger flat together. That had been the plan for about four years.

I've never owned a flat or home and I'm 46, so this was really important to me. Without sounding like a sappy moron, us buying a place together was genuinely a dream for me and I'd been looking forward to it for so long. Saving up and all that.

I have two DCs in university, so when I moved into DPs flat temporarily, it definitely wasn't a family home as it didn't have bedrooms for them. So it was a big, big, big issue.

DP promised we'd buy a bigger place but then didn't. He kept putting it off and after a year of no movement from him on it, I gave him and ultimatum that either we moved into a family home for me and DC, or I was moving on my own.

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent because I couldn't buy on my own

I was completely devastated. I felt so let down and ultimately betrayed by DP and couldn't believe really that after all my investment in a joint future that I ended up renting a house miles from anywhere on my own.

Of course DC will come "home" for a few weeks a year, but it still isn't the joint family home and future I'd been wanting.

DP spent weeks apologising and begging and asking how he could fix it. So I started speaking to him again. Mostly about the fact that in our 5 year relationship he makes decisions that aren't for us as a team and are more for him as an individual.

To my horror, he then said to me he'd been looking at bigger houses to buy ON HIS OWN. I was apoplectic with rage! After dicking me and DC around for a year he miraculously is able to buy one as soon as I leave????

I went literally BALLISTIC and didn't speak to him for a week. Then he came back to me, begging blah blah and said he realised I was right about everything etc and that he couldn't lose me and we started discussing reconciliation.

Anyway, after a week of that, he told me tonight that he bought the house last week!!! Literally after I told him that was the worst possible thing for us as a couple, he literally went to see it, made an offer, sorted the mortgage and FUCKING BOUGHT IT.

He is crying and begging and saying it's OUR HOUSE but it fucking isn't is it? Committed couples don't act like this do they???

I've run this past my best friend and she thinks IABU, that he bought a big house and says its for us and wants to be together in it but this doesn't feel normal???

I feel heartbroken

Is it me?

And that’s exactly what OP has done, she’s homed herself and her children and isn’t dependent on anyone.

But she has. She bought a home without her partner.

So she has prioritised herself and DC.

She could have stayed living at boyfriend’s but did the right thing and moved out.

She did exactly what MN tells women to do and be independent and you’re still berating her.

So what is the point of your posts? Just to needle and goad?

Sigh.

Yes, you’re the best.

No other single mum houses her children.

My friends fiancé did this, she wanted a house, marriage, kids etc, he promised her the world. They moved into her parents house on the proviso they'd buy together. As the years ticked by it was obvious he had no intention of buying with her, let alone moving out of her parents house, marriage etc. so she finished it with him. He moved in with a pal for a few months, then bought a house, NEXT DOOR BUT ONE to her parents house. How she didn't throttle him I'll never know.

@Skipthisstep82

Well done you!

I was a single parent too. And did all that for 17 years!!!

I wasn't single anymore though after that.

I was in a long term (almost 6 year) committed relationship where we'd agreed to buy a house and spent several years saving to do that.

I agreed I'd briefly move into his so we could house hunt. I was let down, and hence I left to go BACK to being a single parent.

You're basically just deliberately posting to be a c u next teusday. Probably a slow morning for you.

Your first post accusses me of not loving my partner enough and your second acusses me of neglecting my children.

Sad little life you've got you waste your time trying to be a needless troll to people online going through a hard time.

You have my pity.

Thank you @CherryMaDeara xxx

You said he had children of his own?

What room did he make for them?

But she has. She bought a home without her partner.

Has she bought a home? I missed that? I thought the problem was she couldn’t afford to buy and was renting.

None. They have bedrooms at their Mothers.

So he's not exactly Dad of the Year either then.

Hi OP. I haven't RTFT and can't be asked readers vilifying you tbh, but I am sorry this happened to you. So sorry. Wish you a good future WITHOUT him. Prick.

He's a very good and devoted Dad, but his kids were grown up and he never chose a house with bedrooms for them. They came to visit a lot. I personally wouldn't choose that, but his view was they only needed one family home.

I admit I often thought it was odd that he never felt the same need I did for family togetherness.

Thanks @PurpleRadish that's very kind

I'm honestly surprised there haven't been more references to marriage on this thread. Normally MN is very hot on telling people that no money is actually shared money legally until you're married, there's no guarantee of anything unless you're on the deeds of the house, etc.

I have to separate the emotional side from the logical side here. Emotionally, I feel bad for you, OP, as you've clearly been sold a bad bill of goods somewhere along the line and someone didn't deliver on the future they promised. That's horrible, and relationships breaking up (particularly in later life) is never nice.

Logically, I can kinda see why the partner did it. He had far more earning power and far more savings on the line. He wasn't engaged or married (his decision? yours? both?) and naturally putting a lot of your own money into a property later in life with someone you've only really been with for a few years can be a hard sell. If you had joint ownership but he put the majority of the funds in himself, then it gets acrimonious and you split, he stands to lose half the money. That's not great. Combine that with the fact that the demand for the larger house was coming from the person who was investing less and it's not really black and white.

Commitment phobia will always ruin things - sometimes you just have to take a chance. This is true for both sides, OP's (ex-?) partner definitely needed to have more faith and perhaps wasn't entirely convinced. However, OP, you're rather cutting off your nose to spite your face now - the partner has apologised profusely, offered to put you on the deeds with no money changing hands and pay moving costs and so forth, but you're turning that down because it wasn't offered earlier? I'm not sure about that. Isn't that what was promised originally? I know you didn't get to pick the exact house but you don't have to live there forever.

Ultimately it does sound and feel like he wasn't completely sold on you because his actions showed that throughout, so it might be the right decision after all. This is a tough one.

@theGooHasGone

Logically, I can kinda see why the partner did it. He had far more earning power and far more savings on the line. He wasn't engaged or married (his decision? yours? both?) and naturally putting a lot of your own money into a property later in life with someone you've only really been with for a few years can be a hard sell. If you had joint ownership but he put the majority of the funds in himself, then it gets acrimonious and you split, he stands to lose half the money. That's not great. Combine that with the fact that the demand for the larger house was coming from the person who was investing less and it's not really black and white

I could have completely empathised with an adult discussion like that. I'd have been fine to be honest if he owned it. What I couldn't compromise on was me living in a place with no space for my children. I did offer to rent a larger place. He wouldn't move at all He wouldn't even have a sensible conversation about it.

Commitment phobia will always ruin things - sometimes you just have to take a chance. This is true for both sides, OP's (ex-?) partner definitely needed to have more faith and perhaps wasn't entirely convinced

He's outright admitted he feels blind terror over the concept of people relying on him. I don't think it's bog standard commitment phobia. I think it's outright sabotage to keep a distance from others. He's always done that since we started and it gets very tiring when your life becomes painful and frightening because your team mate isn't working with you fully.

However, OP, you're rather cutting off your nose to spite your face now - the partner has apologised profusely, offered to put you on the deeds with no money changing hands and pay moving costs and so forth, but you're turning that down because it wasn't offered earlier?

I'm turning it down because I think he's in a panic. The commitment phobia is a cycle of sabotage to push someone away, followed by begging and pleading when they actually go. I've had several marriage proposals from him in this desperate state and I'm not sure what he really wants. He says he realises he's got problems and is starting on Thursday with counselling.

Also, my children: they loved him, considered him family and us a family and they got told (same as me) we were buying a house (or at least moving into a bigger place all together. They ended up in a crap position for a year, followed by the suprise of finding the plan had changed and we were moving by ourselves to a completely new place.

I've moved now. They are settled and decorated their bedrooms with me. I can't dick them around again :( not for someone so unreliable. And I absolutely do not want a long distance relationship again.

I feel- I guess - that he made it clear to me that me and the kids were on our own, so I don't feel able to trust him again based on grand gestures and sweet words.

If he focuses on counselling to become a safe partner, who'd intimacy fears weren't dominating life, that would be much more valuable to me than my name on a deed.

Ultimately it does sound and feel like he wasn't completely sold on you because his actions showed that throughout, so it might be the right decision after all. This is a tough one

I don’t really think that. He's crying all day and says I am everything. I think he just only feels safe in the world if he's got complete control. I think he's not capable of healthy relationship behaviour (he never has been) and the fear bit of him drives the bus.

Thank you though. It was very kind to post.

I just feel worn down.

He definitely sounds completely desperate, but I genuinely believe if I go back he will just find new ways to make life hard. Unless he gets real help 😢

He's given you years of words. Empty words. Every single action he's taken in the entirety of your relationship has been self serving. Before you even said it, I knew that you'd be better with your money than him and that you bankrolled your day to day or special expenses while he saved "for your future"

He's kept you on the hook with the promise of a joint home for years and now he's exhausted that, he's waving a wedding or marriage in your face - don't you see, he'll spend ages dragging his heels about getting engaged. Then it'll be about setting a date, that could go on for years... with you putting your money down on vendors and him dragging it out until you throw in the towel. And then he'll be crying down the gym again and promising empty words of all sorts to get you back where he wants you.

Ignore his words. They are meaningless. Focus on his actions. And actually, only focus on the actions that aren't prompted by his fear of fucking it up for good with you - like sending you the 10k for example. Ditto if he pulls out an engagement ring.

He dragged his heels for 6 years getting a home with you and 22 days after you leave he buys the exact one you needed all along. Focus on the actions, not the words.

I should say, he may love you and he may indeed want to spend the rest of his life with you. But his inability to compromise and actually share his life the way that you want him to will always mean that your wants and needs will come secondary to his.

So he may love you and want to be with you as much as he's able to. But it's still way short of the basics a relationship needs.

This is called “future faking” OP. He had been dangling a carrot for a long time until he got called on his BS.

Suggest he pulls out of the purchase and transfers the savings of the last six years that you facilitated to you. You will select and purchase a property and let him live in it. See if he’s as keen on the deal he offered you.