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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end reconciliation plans over this?

274 replies

Sutured · 30/09/2023 20:53

I split up with my long term partner a month ago over a house.

Basically I moved in with him to his flat that was far too small. It was only meant to be temporary and we'd agreed we'd buy a bigger flat together. That had been the plan for about four years.

I've never owned a flat or home and I'm 46, so this was really important to me. Without sounding like a sappy moron, us buying a place together was genuinely a dream for me and I'd been looking forward to it for so long. Saving up and all that.

I have two DCs in university, so when I moved into DPs flat temporarily, it definitely wasn't a family home as it didn't have bedrooms for them. So it was a big, big, big issue.

DP promised we'd buy a bigger place but then didn't. He kept putting it off and after a year of no movement from him on it, I gave him and ultimatum that either we moved into a family home for me and DC, or I was moving on my own.

So....I did exactly that. I had to move a fair distance to be able to afford a 3 bedroom on my own, but I needed space for the DC and - of course- had to rent because I couldn't buy on my own

I was completely devastated. I felt so let down and ultimately betrayed by DP and couldn't believe really that after all my investment in a joint future that I ended up renting a house miles from anywhere on my own.

Of course DC will come "home" for a few weeks a year, but it still isn't the joint family home and future I'd been wanting.

DP spent weeks apologising and begging and asking how he could fix it. So I started speaking to him again. Mostly about the fact that in our 5 year relationship he makes decisions that aren't for us as a team and are more for him as an individual.

To my horror, he then said to me he'd been looking at bigger houses to buy ON HIS OWN. I was apoplectic with rage! After dicking me and DC around for a year he miraculously is able to buy one as soon as I leave????

I went literally BALLISTIC and didn't speak to him for a week. Then he came back to me, begging blah blah and said he realised I was right about everything etc and that he couldn't lose me and we started discussing reconciliation.

Anyway, after a week of that, he told me tonight that he bought the house last week!!! Literally after I told him that was the worst possible thing for us as a couple, he literally went to see it, made an offer, sorted the mortgage and FUCKING BOUGHT IT.

He is crying and begging and saying it's OUR HOUSE but it fucking isn't is it? Committed couples don't act like this do they???

I've run this past my best friend and she thinks IABU, that he bought a big house and says its for us and wants to be together in it but this doesn't feel normal???

I feel heartbroken

Is it me?

OP posts:
ConnieTucker · 01/10/2023 18:29

CaroleSinger · 01/10/2023 18:20

And of course op had no agency in any of that whatsoever...

Show quote history

He future faked. She supported them both so he could save for a house he bought in just his name. She was manipulated throughout.

they were together five years. If it was five months and say she was stupid to trust him. But five years.

thecatinthetwat · 01/10/2023 18:31

Why would he do this and then beg to get you back? Did he think a house would solve the problem, did he not realise that it was something you wanted to do together? Is he a moron op, because he has behaved in a very moronic way.

no one is that stupid, I think it’s very worrying. Don’t get back with him op.

CherryMaDeara · 01/10/2023 18:34

brielliance · 01/10/2023 18:28

Ok not to pile on but being objective – How much did your spending on him add up to? I mean the amount you wouldn't have spent if not for him. So things like holidays, Christmas shopping, cost of living, paying for rent, etc don't fully count because I'm sure you'd have done those things for yours and DC's sake as well. Only look at his share.

Would that amount – just his share – really have enabled you to buy a house or at least pay for a deposit? I think that sounds a bit unlikely.

So from his POV I think he is probably grateful for those joint expenses, and he's buying a big house for all of you to stay in for free, but maybe doesn't consider your contribution sufficient to qualify for half ownership?

Or is your argument simply that you dated the wrong man, and another man would have enabled you to buy a house? I guess I can sort of understand that. But – not to sound ageist – I think that would be more relevant as young people hoping to set up a family unit together. As a relatively mature couple seeing each other for just a few years, each / one side with own DC, many people at this age are going to protect themselves financially.

Who gives a fuck if he was grateful?

OP was stupid to pay for holidays and the rest but as a pp said, he future faked OP.

brielliance · 01/10/2023 18:34

Also don't really understand the "paying 2 rents" point - he was paying his rent and you were paying yours, so you were each paying only 1 rent. You're cross you couldn't save on rent by moving in with him? I find all of this logic a bit confusing...

cheezncrackers · 01/10/2023 18:34

I don't see the OP taking ANY responsibility for decisions she freely made herself. OP, he only did to you what you allowed him to do. More fool you for paying for all the holidays and paying all the bills when he had given you no more commitment that words. You've been taken for a fool, but (sorry to say) you've behaved like one. If you were in a position to buy a house five years ago, that's what you should've done, not hitched your horse to this bloke's broken down carriage.

Californiabound · 01/10/2023 18:35

Move in with him but don't pay anything, save money up. It's his house after all.

brielliance · 01/10/2023 18:40

cheezncrackers · 01/10/2023 18:34

I don't see the OP taking ANY responsibility for decisions she freely made herself. OP, he only did to you what you allowed him to do. More fool you for paying for all the holidays and paying all the bills when he had given you no more commitment that words. You've been taken for a fool, but (sorry to say) you've behaved like one. If you were in a position to buy a house five years ago, that's what you should've done, not hitched your horse to this bloke's broken down carriage.

Edited

I don't think she was in a position to buy a house 5 years ago. And I don't think she would be in a position to buy a house now just by adding in the costs of holidays, Christmas shopping etc for 1 person (him). As I said earlier, I think holidays, Christmas shopping, car, etc would still be costs for her and DC even without him.

Ultimately he's still paying for the house with mostly his own money imo.

So I think the blame just comes down to "I could've hitched my horse to another man's carriage". Which fair enough I guess. But at this age with independent lives, retirement/old age to fear, and own DC, I guess the "sharing" expectation is different for a relatively new couple compared to newlyweds in their 20s or 30s looking to form a family unit together. Any other man might have been just as guarded.

Original poster
Sutured · 01/10/2023 19:14

So many nights out and holidays and use of the car did he take up/cost you if he was only there 12 weeks of the year?How much did you spend? Just for him, not you and dc?

That was for 18 months. I spent probably about £60,000 on holidays and activities and events and trips and gifts over time.

I never wanted to go on holidays. I am more of a "week in a cottage in cornwall" kind of person whereas he always wanted to go to African or something.

OP posts:
LookingForPurpose · 01/10/2023 19:18

Op, have you posted about this before?

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 01/10/2023 19:18

You spent £60k on basic frivolity??

Why this rather than a deposit?? Bloody hell!

Original poster
Sutured · 01/10/2023 19:19

All you’ve detailed in your reply is all of the choices YOU have made. You chose to pay for all of the holidays, you chose to pay for the car, you chose to continue paying 2 rents. You not having this money is a direct result of the decisions YOU made, he didn’t provide you any assurances beyond his own word and if buying a home was as important to you as you say it is- and you didn’t want or need to rely on him to do so- then I can’t see why you would sacrifice even a penny of your savings or potential to save for anyone

Yes, he didn't give me a contract, just his word -which I believed.

*It’s also possible that he had every intention of buying a home with you, just not on your timescale, and I can’t say I really blame him when by your own admission you gave him an ultimatum- either buy with me or I’m moving alone"

HIM: I got offered this job that's twice the money but it means I'd be away 3 weeks a month.

ME: Err, I really don't want to do that, we have been together two years and I was thinking more of settling down right now. Are you not feeling the same?

HIM: No, definitely, but if I take this job I would be able to save us a house deposit and in 18 months we can buy a place

ME: Hmm, okay but it means delaying living together by another 1.5 years and paying two rents again for that whole time, when we'd discussed moving in together around now

HIM: Yes I know, but I can save so much money

Meaning: It wasn't MY timescale, it was the one we agreed on. If he had said he was going to do that and 4 years later I would still have been waiting I would have said NO.

He is a future faker.

OP posts:
Mummyneedsacoffee · 01/10/2023 19:28

I have been in a similar situation where my partner said we would buy together and then went and put a deposit on a new build. He too said it was ours (despite my name not being on the mortgage) and that I could decorate and move in etc.

I was NOT happy

Original poster
Sutured · 01/10/2023 19:28

Also don't really understand the "paying 2 rents" point - he was paying his rent and you were paying yours, so you were each paying only 1 rent. You're cross you couldn't save on rent by moving in with him? I find all of this logic a bit confusing...

No we were renting two separate houses

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 01/10/2023 19:32

I wouldn't go back into a relationship with him, he doesn't see things the same way as you. As you say you have been basing your life choices, where to live, what you each pay for etc. on a false perception of what he intended. It is difficult to negotiate new relationships when you are older, and have more to lose, a lot of compromise is needed on both sides and it seems you have done most of the compromising. I wouldn't be leaving myself open to any more of this.

Original poster
Sutured · 01/10/2023 19:34

Move in with him but don't pay anything, save money up. It's his house after all

He doesn't want any money from me, he said he would pay everything.

I am not moving in with him though. No way!

We agreed we would buy a house, if he wants to slink off and undercut me then he can live alone and cry all he wants

OP posts:
Tigger1895 · 01/10/2023 19:50

It’s a long thread and you seem angry. I have 1 question, if you were saving to buy a house together, why didn’t you have a joint account for savings?

brielliance · 01/10/2023 19:57

OK, first let's put aside that the real figure is probably less than 1/4 of 60k, because I don't buy that you and your DC didn't get anything out of going on those trips etc. Plus I also don't think it's fair to pretend your family wouldn't celebrate Christmas or do shopping if not for him.

Let's assume though that the whole 60k is down to him. I did have some sympathy, but sorry this is truly so nonsensical that I can't follow it any more. You dropped 60k on exotic holidays etc, to please a man so that he would buy you a house?? Wouldn't it have been smarter to just... buy the house?

I think at this point it doesn't have much to do with future faking. There are reasonable actions we take based on wrong info others give us – that's based on future faking. But then there's just gleefully counting and smashing all your eggs before they hatch – that's stupidity that's nothing to do with future faking! That's taking an assumption and running with it from the UK to the ends of Africa as it were.

Even if my boyfriend or husband told me he was going to be the next CEO of Tesla, or more realistically he was going to get a pay rise next year, I wouldn't spend half a house deposit on luxuries in 1.5 years. Even if he wasn't lying, so many things could happen in future. Plus if not the deposit, that 60k could always go towards our mortgage.

FloweryWowery · 01/10/2023 20:09

So you would have liked two weeks self-catering in Cornwall. He said no, i want to go to Africa and you paid for it all!!

carddino · 01/10/2023 20:16

I have no idea other than this is not love or a true relationship!

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 01/10/2023 20:23

Sutured · 01/10/2023 19:34

Move in with him but don't pay anything, save money up. It's his house after all

He doesn't want any money from me, he said he would pay everything.

I am not moving in with him though. No way!

We agreed we would buy a house, if he wants to slink off and undercut me then he can live alone and cry all he wants

What do you mean 'undercut you'?!

5128gap · 01/10/2023 20:26

I'm sorry to read your update OP as I completely agree you've been treated very badly. I think you're right to feel cheated, emotionally and financially.
Given your money was used to live on while his has now gone into his house, I'd ask for some of the money I'd paid for his living expenses and holidays to be returned. I doubt you'll get it, but at least you'll make it clear to him you consider he's as good as extorted it from you.
Disgraceful behaviour. I don't know he has the nerve to come crying to you.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/10/2023 21:08

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. There seems to be a lot of victim blaming going on. You loved him, you trusted him, why would you worry whose bank account the money was in when you thought everything was shared? I think you've realised the truth now so no point going over it again and again.

Seriously look into buying something smaller. Better to be in a one bed flat that's yours with a sofa bed for when then kids are home than throwing money down the drain renting empty rooms.

bemorebernard · 01/10/2023 21:16

The op has never asked him to buy her a house ffs ! She wanted to go jointly and buy TOGETHER.

He's fucked that up entirely . He's made a unilateral decision without even talking to her , !

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2023 07:52

Move in with him, store your stuff there. Keep him at his word that you don’t have to pay for anything and don’t! Save you money and buy your own hose asap

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/10/2023 07:52

House not hose

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