£60k on fripperies while in rented? Even over 6 years that's 10k a year, nearly £1k a month on holidays and fun stuff?!
That's about £450 a month each. Not on "friperries" on living an enjoyable life. An annual holiday, some city breaks, hobbies and things like train tickets for our kids to visit. I also said I paid for our car. Birthdays and Christmases.
We both had great jobs and lived in London. I made £68000 initially (dropped to £42000 because I got long covid and had to change to a less stressful job). He made £62,000 when we met because he was a part time masters student (changed to £108k by the time I left).
We had enough money together to save AND have hobbies, a car and an enjoyable life. The point is we had a system where he handled savings and investments and I paid for day to day things for us.
We were more than adequately saving for a house, and successfully did that according to our agreed plans, so why do you care how we spent the rest of our hard earned money?
It seems some people think I should have been operating independently. Maybe. But then the last few years he earned massively more than me so what are you suggesting I did?
"Sorry honey you go on holiday I can't afford to come"
"Sorry love, you go to the theatre, you take someone else"
Collectively, we had a lot of money. I wasn't expecting to be messed around. I had a partner who earned more than me. We agreed to a joint life where HE would save everything and I'd cover day to day expenses.
That wasn't "just" holidays, it was things we needed (like a new kettle) or things he needed - like acupuncture when he had back problems.
He was able to save thousands each month. It was working fine if he'd have stuck to what we mutually agreed.
He considers it, anyway "our money", he's been offering today to put the house in my name too - and this isn't him being generous, he knows that money was a mutual effort and that I made life decisions based on that.
I dont really feel much inclined to accept this offer. After years of working towards a common goal, I feel like cutting me out of the process (even the choice over which house to buy) was actually an awful thing to do.
He says "we can sell it in a couple of years and then you can choose our next house" but after this I can't imagine trusting him again. Maybe people have different views, but to me these are choices couples make together.
If he'd changed his mind of buying a house and he was trying to reconcile the relationship then he should have talked to me before unilaterally making this decision. I'd only been gone a few weeks, so it seems like bizarre timing.
As others have said, I feel it makes it obvious he dragged his heels because he didn't really want to buy a house with me. I don't think this has anything to do with inheritances or protecting finances (my parents are wealthy and his are not).
I think it's flat out commitment phobia. Incapacity for making team decisions for mutual benefit, which as I said, he has form for. He admitted this and claims he's going to go to counselling. I'm not imagining it, he felt mentally unable to feel "tied" to a house with me and DC and that's why he's done this.
Of course now we have another house he's free to now offer everything. I can be on the deeds. I can choose the furniture. Bedrooms for DC. And he says home is wherever I am and he can't possibly live without me or us.
But when we really needed a suitable roof, he didn't feel any of those things. This is the mindfuckery of commitment phobes. They never do anything when it matters buy once you're 10 feet out the door they're suddenly on their knees.
I'm less angry today. But I think he's an unsafe partner. I think he broke his promises and left me and DC in a shit position and has manipulated everything so he got to keep control.
This isn't my idea of a family.