Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

[FrillyGoatFluff]

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

That's awful OP. Neither my husband nor I would ever do this. Have the confrontation because tbh he's damaged your relationship already so if a guns blazing row ends it all so what? Xx

Oof! They didn't invite you to scatter the ashes? I'd be furious

I mean especially given your last update about not being invited to scatter your nan's ashes (wtf??) I think you need to either have a blunt conversation with him about how you feel, or cut him out of your life. Do NOT become their carers in old age if nothing changes. He's never been a good dad to you, your sister can handle it.

Agree you should ask him straight out. Just ask the simple question then see what he says ... if he can't justify/explain or give you the same, I'd be rethinking my relationship with him, as he's clearly shown you your place in his family. Sounds like an inconsiderate person.

Not to be to drastic as your sister is young, but I would be asking about why my sister wasn't invited if I was her. Obviously you don't want to blow that up too at this point but I'd want my sibling to be treated fairly.

I mean the boyfriend is invited but your not? I'm mad at your dad on your behalf.

Financially, it was a bit odd.

Dad was broke when sis was born (poor decisions following divorce from wife nunber two, went off the rails and behaved like a total idiot), so stepmum and Nan supported him (hence no child support for my mum). He then sorted himself out, but continued to be useless financially. It's always niggled me that neither stepmum nor Nan stepped up to help my mum ever, as a stepmum myself I couldn't see my stepdaughters go without and treat them equally to my daughter (their mum doesn't contribute to us) but that's just my circumstances, I do appreciate that. I'm probably skewed with that view.

Dad and SM paid Nan nominal rent to live in her house, but the asset was entirely hers, they didn't pay any capital in/any maintenance etc. of course in her later years they were on hand, but in all honestly, neither were particularly caring, very short tempered and they latterly had carers in three times a day, so much of the day-to-day was on them.

That said, of course they took the brunt of her illness given their living situation, but, given the help they had in earlier years, I feel like they bloody well should have done their bit and don't think they went over and above tbh.

It's always niggled me that neither stepmum nor Nan stepped up to help my mum ever,

Thats not for them to do. I am a SM. I’d never contribute towards DSC at their DM’s home. I contribute towards this home and what they need when they are here.

The whole narrative of "you are all set up now but she isn't" is rubbish.

The only reason she isn't as set up as you is because she is a lot younger than you and at a different life stage. Very few 21 year olds would have a property and savings behind them, they would be working towards this during their 20s. Your sister is in a very good place to be working towards a secure future, in no small part due to the help she has already had from your DF.

She actually doesn't need this cash, your DF just wants to give it to her. I would be asking very insistently why he doesn't want to do the same for you.

I know, and I do agree - which is why I'd never voice it to them. Still stings though, when you're a teen unable to do school trips, great aunts are buying school uniform etc because your mum can't, and your sister is being given the world.

Now I'm a stepmum, who unexpectedly found myself caring full-time for two more children than I bargained (or budgeted) for - I cannot imagine financially benefitting one and seeing the other two go without, it's just impossible to comprehend 🤷🏻‍♀️

But ultimately, yes I do agree, it wasn't their place to do so. Short of it is, Dad should have better spent the money he was being bankrolled by them.

Thats not for them to do. I am a SM. I’d never contribute towards DSC at their DM’s home.

But is your husband completely feckless and refuses to honour his obligation to support his DC (your DSC)?

If he was feckless, I’d leave him, personally. But even if people don’t, the DSC don’t become their responsibility. That’s just not how it works.

But if the Grandmother's estate was left to him, it's up to him to spend it as he see's fit?

It's hard to bring this up without seeming grabby. Afterall, you could assume that the sibling has not asked for a penny.

Wait, they’ve gone away for the weekend to scatter YOUR nan’s ashes, and you’re not invited?

I think your mum should totally send that letter and get a solicitor to write it.

Also, don’t plan to look after your dad and stepmum into old age. They didn’t do it for you, why should you do it for them?

No that's totally unfair, he should split it between both of you. That's still a great bonus for her and of course you. He does have 2 daughters, doesn't matter the age or circumstances, everyone is happy to receive a kind gift. X

I am the oldest of 10. Parents told us from childhood that they would pay for 4 years of uni & give a lump sum for one wedding, but we were told that we’d be responsible for anything beyond that. My parents were adamant that everything be scrupulously fair & equal - this was a recurring theme - if we wanted to do something that cost money, our parents would point out that if they allowed it for us, they’d have to do it for all the other children.

Then my youngest sister (dad’s favourite) got engaged. She received the lump sum, and then they paid for her flowers. And then they paid for the DJ and the photographer. And then they paid for her dress, hair & makeup. And so on. Then dad let slip that he also paid for her Masters.

I married in my late 30’s & she married young, our weddings were only a few years apart, so no major change in financial circumstances to explain why the rest of us needed to work within our budgets and she was given the world. My younger brother married two years after her & only received the lump sum. One sister (mum’s favourite) received cheques for each of her three (!) fancy weddings, whilst one brother is uninterested in ever marrying, and is probably the only one of us who could really use some extra cash. (Not through money mismanagement, he chose a career that he loves but doesn’t pay very well)

Dad passed 5 years ago and the blatantly unequal treatment colours how I remember him. A few of us who received the “bare minimum” (and yes, I am aware that the bare minimum is much more than most people may receive from their parents) are the ones who do, and have done, all the helping. It makes me feel like a mug.

Also if this were me I would give my sister half if he doesn't share it. X

You need to tell him what you have written here. Unless you do he will go on as blindly as he’s has done all this time. I would also tell your sister and Nan too. This needs to be out in the open or it will just fester and grow into a huge big green monster that will make you ill. If he still wishes to go with this AND your sister accepts this you will seriously need to reconsider your contact with these people, it will be a show of how they value you. Good luck.

This must hurt. But at end of day it is their money. I am cut out totally of parents (substantial) will. My parents kept telling me treated and loved us equally. I kept challenging not due to finances but the bull. Finally admitted "We can't speak to X(sib) as we speak to you as we will lose a child". (My youngest reminded me that my mum always told her could not speak to sibs children like spoke to her What they have given me tho is priceless...a template of how to break the dysfunctional cycle and really work on making sure I change my families narrative. Focus on those who love you unconditionally and not those who cannot/will not change. Do not be bitter

Which is why I suggest that@FrillyGoatFluff does not in any way ask for some of the money from her grandmother's estate. She just asks her father why he's treating his 2 daughters so differently.

Then she can respond to his answer. But he needs to be asked to think about the consequences of his actions - his thoughtlessness or his obvious favouritism.

I'm advising this because I think sometimes men in this situation are not deliberately or consciously exercising favouritism - they're just thoughtless & irresponsible - I'm giving OP's father the benefit of the doubt that he's never really thought about the impact of his decision on his other daughter. He's looking at his younger DD thinking "Oh, she's just starting out. I'm in a position to help her" - if pushed, I imagine he looks at @FrillyGoatFluff and thinks, "She's well set up & doing OK."

He doesn't realise what this looks like to his elder DD. He needs to know the impact of his proposal on her feelings. She's not asking for the money (at least at first); she's asking about why he loves & cares for her less than for his younger DD.

That might shock this stupid man out of his unthinking cruelty.

I have two grown up children, only one of whom has a child. My DS has a professional job and earns a very good salary and has an easy life with his wife and daughter. My DD struggles with money as she does not earn much but works hard and lives within her means.
When we gifted them some money a few years ago when their grandfather passed away, they got EXACTLY the same sum. I would not dream of treating differently.
My MIL in her will left 60% to her daughter (who convinced her to change the will from 50/50 when FIL was alive) and 40% to her son which created a rift in the family and upset my DH who felt and still feels second best.
When my parents passed away some years ago, my 3 sisters and I got exactly the same amount of money.
I would feel upset in your place and would talk to my father about it.

She's quite obviously the favourite daughter. Extremely unfair. Your dad sounds awful.

Many parents have a favourite child. They don't like to admit it, but the children know.

It doesn’t sound ok to me and by doing this he is setting up all sorts of family issues. What do you think he would say if you asked him why he’s giving her 50k, and u nothing? Is it possible that he has something set aside for you/your family ? Family life is tough at the best of times and some people are thoughtless and seem to square off an unfair situation because it suits them to financially or emotionally. You are right to be upset.

Sounds like he has always been like this towards you and the money thing is just an enormous, blatant sign shouting it for everyone to see. he basically put his lack of feelings and care into every single one of those pennies.
I would guess that he also has a bit of the "this world owes me" attitude most of the time.

Absolutely not. Your dad is being totally unfair. You need to talk to him about it. I'd be devastated if my dad did this to me.