Child favouritism to the tune of 50k

[FrillyGoatFluff]

Please bear with, there’s some background!

I’m mid-30s, married with one daughter (toddler). I live with my DH and two DSDs (no contact with mum, we are entirely responsible 100%, financially and otherwise).

We paid for our house entirely ourselves, no help from family etc, same with our wedding. Have never asked anyone for a penny.

My half sister (dads daughter) is 21. At uni but lives with BF in her uni city. He works, earns well, lovely guy. She’s nearly finished her degree, looking at great grades and has a solid future plan. They’ve been together 3 years, talk of getting engaged when she graduates. I have no other siblings.

My Nan (dads mum) recently passed away, and dad is talking about selling the family home (he, stepmum and Nan lived together in nans house) and buying somewhere smaller. Would free up about £250k (we’re in the south east). Dad and I live in the same village, which he plans to continue living in. Fab.

However, he recently announced that he’s planning to give my sister £50k, to ‘set her up’ for wedding, house deposit etc.

Now, I love my sister, and honestly do want her to have the money for all of the above but I’m REALLY narky that she’s getting a £50k handout, and I’m getting bugger all. I appreciate it’s his cash to do what he wants with, but actually, it’s not even about the money, it’s genuinely not, it’s the fact that I feel totally second best.

For history, mum chucked my dad out when I was two (affair, he then married her, she was a ballache) and was sporadic with child support - both financial, and emotional. Mum bought me up and it was tough, financially, we were up against it. My sister, however, was a two parent family (three really, my Nan was there too), wanted for nothing - dance classes, drama lessons, foreign school trips, uni paid for - financially, she has been well catered for, and had a much easier time of things. Dad seemed to grow up by the time he had her, I was a bit of a learning curve I think, the training daughter almost.

My dad told my mum about his financial plans the other day (they’re arms-length-friends now, for the sake of my daughter) and she pointedly said ‘don’t forget you have two daughters’ and his response was ‘well yes, but I want to set X up’. With one biological daughter of my own and two DSDs, I cannot imagine for one second treating any of them this differently, I can’t see how he can justify it in his head?

Am I being totally ridiculous? Yes, I absolutely DO have my life together (through pure hard work on my and DH’s part!), should i to just let it go and accept my dad is a total fuckwomble??? I really can’t decide if I’m being a drama queen or not, but we live 500yards apart so I can’t avoid the subject forever!

It is so sad that family relationships often end because of money and yet all involved would probably swear on a stack of bibles that it was not transactional and not about the money. But it always ends up being about money, and in this case money that did no belong to any of the actors in this current drama. The money actually belonged to the deceased grandmother, and yet not any of the people currently involved contributed any money towards the payment of grandma's house.

I think it’s astonishing that others haven’t had your back in this….firstly your sister, secondly your Mother and thirdly your step-mother, don’t they see the inequality here🤷🏻‍♀️!

So would I.

I bet the SM would have no problem assuming the OP would give time to help care for her DF if he needs it in the future but not expect anything from her own child.
OP--I am sorry that you have been low on the totem pole for your life. I admire you having a relationship with your DF because I would not be able to do it. Ditto for the PP whose own mother treats her so shabbily. It would be NC at all and no help if they need it in the future.

This, your sister should have pointed out to your Dad how unfair his plan is.

I can see you helping take care of DM and SF, as your DM raised you alone and worked very hard to do so. You have a good heart and care, so they are very lucky to have you in their lives. You have no obligation to them but I think you want to make sure you are there for them.

Your NVDF and SM, however, did not raise you, nor have they seemed to ever have your back. Though you are kind and caring, you owe them nothing as they age. Nothing at all. They have shown you their true colors so believe them. Being your NVDF does not equal an obligation on your part. Your sister, who was raised by them can make whatever decisions necessary concerning them.

You cannot be expected to care for four aging adults, if it even comes to that, so you prioritize.

You have two options: discuss it with him or say nothing- if you choose to say nothing you’re likely to be eaten with resentment so I think it would be sensible to discuss.

if you bring it up- he may give you a reason you’ve not thought of, or suggest splitting more evenly. Or he may confirm he’s thoughtless and insensitive. You can then decide whether that affects your relationship with him accordingly.

Agree with a previous poster saying nothing will breed resentment. Say something and don’t let him change this subject. Tell him how hurt you are by this decision and how it will affect your relationship long term. Even go as far as saying if you prioritise one daughter over the other do not turn to me in your old age.

Your dads behaviour is disgusting to you and apparently to your mum while you were a kid so he needs to put up now.

How are you so passive about this?!? I’m raging for you and your family especially your mum

Reading your comment We paid for our house entirely ourselves made me think otherwise. Regardless is this worth a potential rift? My parents have helped both of my brothers with deposits for homes over the last 10 years because of their financial situation after divorce. I don’t feel that I am owed anything because I wasn’t given money too and likewise brother 1 doesn’t feel shortchanged because brother 2 received more money. If you need help tell your father that, rather than just saying it’s not fair. But if you’re ok financially what is the problem?

Say something and don’t let him change this subject. Tell him how hurt you are by this decision and how it will affect your relationship long term.

We found this was what worked with my father. We weren’t asking him for money - we just told him how it made us feel that he was planning to give money to someone else’s child (not even a half-sibling).

You need a plan:

1. Sit down with him, face to face and ask him if he intends to give you 50K as well, as your sister?

(Be clear and not ambiguous).

1. If no, tell him straight about how this makes you feel unimportant and ignored as a daughter. You have made peace with seeing your sister have money growing up, opportunities to drama and dance lessons, things that you would have loved to do, but as he knows money was a struggle. Now he has a real chance to gift me some of my grandmothers money - it does not make sense.

3.If there is ‘only’ 50K suggest it is split between you and your sister -25K each.

4.If you don’t get anywhere - let your mum send the letter and try and get him to pay now.

5.His actions have ruined many relationships here whether you get any money or not.

I feel you in regards to this, I suffer the same issues.
I too feel it is not about the money, it's is about the fact you feel you don't matter.
It's horrible and I'm so sorry. He will be totally oblivious mind. It isn't you, it's him.
X

I’m sorry to say this op but it’s quite obvious that you don’t mean much to your father.
He views his child with his new wife as special. As his child. He walked away from you and doesn’t see you the same.
Being a decent person, you cannot comprehend this type of behaviour. Cut him off. You will not be caring for him in his old age his much younger wife will. Neither he or she are your problem. You weren’t his problem in your time of need were you?
You will not change him.
The fact is there are many men like this.
Stop trying to apply laws of decency and fairness to a man who does not live by these rules.
From now on regard him as what he is, someone who got your mother pregnant a long time ago. Otherwise you will drive yourself crazy.

It all sounds dreadfully unfair. However, to play devil's advocate, could it be possible that your dad views the £50k simply.as an advance on her inheritance? So, could he be releasing money a little.early for your sister so he can help her now, but even things up upon his death? It's the only explanation I can think of really. I'm sorry, op. Whichever way it goes, I think you need an honest amd fairly brutal discussion with your dad.

Honestly if you were in the room why didn't you challenge him? I'd have said my piece and left the house. If you let yourself be taken for a mug that is exactly how people will treat you. I'd be telling lil sis when it comes to childcare for her dad and mum that she can grow up and do it herself. Your dad decided long ago he wasn't responsible for you so why are you for him? Get it together op, if he can't do the same for you he has no place in your life. You are wasting your time on someone who doesn't love you as you do them.

You have my sympathy OP - we are in a similar situation, but much bigger sums involved!
DH’s siblings and children have been bought houses, cars, weddings, Horses, land and stables for the Horses…while DH and our kids have received nothing!
I expect his parents see it that he can paddle his own canoe financially, and he can, we are lucky to have a very successful business which he works very hard at, but its hard for me to see the low level upset it causes, he very much feels the outsider, the less loved child.
It isn’t about the money, (we have plenty of that) it’s a sure fire way of throwing a grenade into family relationships not treating siblings equally.

YANBU. It’s not fair and I would be telling your father, calmly, how upset this has made you. It’s a joint nans money, he is choosing to spend on one daughter, when he has two. I would explain that due to him leaving for another woman, and not paying maintenance you had a much tougher childhood than your sister. That he wasn’t there for you, that you may look successful but it’s taken blood sweat and tears and no help from him, and that he is being totally unfair and favourtising your sister. He had two children

tbh I am not sure it’s something I would be able to get over and I would start to withdraw to protect myself

I appreciate all the messages, thank you all for taking the time to respond.

I know I need to tackle this, I think I just needed to hear from people who have no skin in the game how unreasonable it was - obviously my mum, DH, friends etc are all pissy about it (as am I!), but it's difficult to gauge whether that's because they're angry for me, or it's a reasonable thing to be angry about, if that makes sense?

I just wanted a removed opinion before I went in all guns blazing, and I feel an (almost) unanimous one from here has given me that!

They're all away now (dad, stepmum, DSis and DBIL) - on a weekend away to scatter nans ashes. Clearly I wasn't invited to that either 😂 I've got a few days to gather my thoughts and will tackle the issue when they get back.

No guarantee my mum won't explode in the meantime, but I will be telling her to keep her gob shut and let me deal with it. Here's hoping...!

Have the blunt conversation. Be clear you see the unfairness.

if there is a £50k budget left after their plans from your Nans estate for helping set Nan’s grandkids up for the future, why should only one of Nan’s grandkids get it all? did she specify they were to only use the money to help your sister not you?

you said you and your dad and step mum live in the same village - you need to clear the air, it’ll be too tricky otherwise.

Oh and definitely ask “why wasn’t I welcome to come and scatter my Nans ashes?”

ask all the awkward questions , do not let them back away from them.

@FrillyGoatFluff I think you could pose the question, without asking for money.

"Is it true, Dad, that you are going to use some of my grandmother's estate to fund XX's [sister ] wedding and house deposit?"

Just leave it there for the time being. Throw the onus back on him. Make him responsible for treating the 2 of you differently.

And go low contact after that. Don't run after him for a bit.

I think you've been more than fair Op, your Dad left for another woman and seems to have no thought for his first family. The fact he's using your Nan's money so his wife can retire early rather than help you says it all really.

And maybe add something about the way money works in families - that money can sometimes symbolise love & care. Your own father prioritised the material needs of his younger daughter over you throughout your childhood & this has left you wondering about whether he loves you as much.

If you can practice saying this quite matter-of-factly, it might just get through to him.

Good luck! The details of your life are quite different from mine, but your father sounds very familiar

MIL did exactly this, DH got sod all from a 300k inheritance, DBIL got 60k to set him up.. Well DBIL has a great time as a drug addict who used to steal from everyone! Surprisingly we're now low contact and she doesn't understand why

There is more than a decade between you and your sister and houses have gone up by more than £50,000 in the past decade. He'll be giving her money that won't even go as far as evening the playing fields. I can understand wanting to help a child get a house when houses have become considerably more expensive in the time it has taken them to grow up.

I do think the fact that she grew up with him and you did not complicates things in that she has already had his time, money and effort and you have not. Given this, I think he should be giving you just as much as he gives her whether buying a house will be more difficult for her or not.

So I'm a stepmum and have 2 children. My husband has 3 - so I have one stepchild. They are older; my two are still minors. Our situation is different; no marriage or affair on my husband's part in the first relationship. Also a bigger age gap between kids and I am main earner. Otherwise I can totally see how mu stepchild would feel that my kids get a lifestyle she didn't have with an older, more present Dad and both parents in the home. Honestly, though, if we decided to give a lump sum to my kids I wouldn't think to make it equal. That's because I am the main earner and honestly we have what we have in the main because of my work. My stepchild has another parent who can step up if she wants to. So if your stepmum is responsible for part of this payout I.e. if she paid into the mortgage and she did care for your Nan for example then I do think it is fair her child gets more. However it sounds like this is your Nan and your Dad maybe is the main earner? Plus you're getting nothing? That isn't fair. I'd expect my husband in that situation to ensure all his kids were looked after.