Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

292 replies

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:10

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 01/10/2023 21:04

Why would anyone make their kids do that journey on Xmas day that’s horrid . Honestly the kids would prefer to be at home
playing with toys . I can’t think of a worse Xmas day . If it was me I would have driven straight back home if they did that to me and my family on Xmas day , then I’d never go
back.

Why do you all keeping going ?
This madness should stop .
Shes an ignorant CF.

pollymere · 01/10/2023 21:50

This always reminds me of the Three Little Pigs outsmarting the wolf...

My MIL used to do this. We ended up either eating our main meal on the way there, or being vague about our arrival time. It does sound like she's deliberately serving it half an hour before you arrive. I would give an arrival time an hour later or even half an hour later - then get there just as she's serving up 😂

Jack80 · 01/10/2023 22:11

You could bring a take away with you and say you don’t want need any food leaving in advance

Passwordfatigued · 01/10/2023 22:22

My FIL does this kind of thing.... we have to fly to get there with little people. Often flight is delayed or we get held up at car hire at the airport.... constant bombardment of when are you getting here? I'm hungry need to eat etc! Drives me and DH up the walls as we are literally not in control of flight delays etc and always keep him abreast of where we are. Last time we visited he huffed we were so late and went to bed 10 mins after we arrived at 8.30pm! Now we just say don't worry about food.... we will sort ourselves and either stop on the way or order a takeaway when we get there..... some people are just very odd around eating times 🙄

Gingernan · 02/10/2023 04:02

It wouldnt bother me, I'd just be glad to get some food! My children were always more interested in the decorations, crackers and tasty extras.
After many many years of making Christmas Dinner, many of them after my husband died, I'm more than happy for a casual Christmas dinner, there are lots of other traditions we have.
It would have e been nice for the inlaws to hang on for you but Christmas and family visits can be quite stressful as you get older and not everyone copes perfectly like the moms in the American Christmas movies!
I'm pretty sure the children will only remember the good bits.

Robotalkingrubbish · 02/10/2023 04:28

Just weird, not so much rude.

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 04:37

I'm always fascinated by these meal etiquette threads. Before Mumsnet I never would have imagined that some people think not waiting for your guests isn't rude, or that having dinner at 5pm is normal, or that some families eat dinner off their laps every night.

Bimblebore · 02/10/2023 06:18

I think it's really mean and a deliberate act to make you feel unwelcome. You could try telling them you're going to arrive at 6pm then actually arrive at 5pm haha but you're a better person than me if you stick with this relationship. I couldn't bear it.

Very sad though because what does anyone get out of it except misery?

Utterknowitall · 02/10/2023 07:15

Not waiting for your guests IS rude, but sometimes when it comes to others behaviour, we have to suck it up. We have no control over other people and their ways. It would actually be super helpful if we could embrace other peoples differences. All human beings will not conform your norm.

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 07:16

Utterknowitall · 02/10/2023 07:15

Not waiting for your guests IS rude, but sometimes when it comes to others behaviour, we have to suck it up. We have no control over other people and their ways. It would actually be super helpful if we could embrace other peoples differences. All human beings will not conform your norm.

We can choose not to visit people who are rude though.

Defiantjazz · 02/10/2023 07:47

Perhaps they just aren't very good at being hosts?

I mean I can see how this might make you feel unwelcome but not everyone is going to think to time their meals to coincide with visitors.
Have you ever had a discussion with them about this? Do they actually know it annoys you?

anon666 · 02/10/2023 08:27

It seems like they're being practical by eating to get it out of the way.

ruki79 · 02/10/2023 09:07

Although l can understand why you feel their behaviour is strange and why you feel hurt, I really dont think they are being intentionally rude. If they disliked you that much they wouldnt even offer to organise dinner. I always say it is better to be open and honest and ask- maybe using a little humour ( always does the trick:). You may be pleasantly surprised at their answer especially if they think you may want to eat on your own in peace as you have had a long journey, and innocently dont understand that you prefer to eat with them. If you find that you are disattisfied with the answer they provide TELL them that you would like to eat with them, and if you find that they are still not eating with you then if you are and your partner agree then let them know that if you are not eating together you prefer to eat before you go or anything else that suits you. I completely disagree with people who are shockingly stating to never bother going around again! Im sure that the majority of individuals would not react to this situation by not going round or happily agree that their partners should not go round should it concern their own families- Please remember we may also become grandparents one day- and our way of thinking will highly likely be different to the next generation so please be open and honest before making rash decisions which may come back to haunt!

Blueswirl · 02/10/2023 10:10

Apologies if anyone has already asked this but do they have enough chairs? Do you all have other meals together whilst there? I agree with the idea of saying you will arrive earlier and hopefully get there just as they are about to eat!

Itsybitsyminion · 02/10/2023 10:28

You travelled for 7h with your children just to be with them, and they couldn't make the effort of waiting for you to seat and have a meal together, when clearly this doesn't happen often? I would never go there again and next time they come to you I would do the same and eat before they arrive. Some people need to go through the same experience to understand how it feels. I don't think she would get it if you tried to explain that it's very rude and inconsiderate not waiting for you specially when you're not exactly living around the corner.
This happened once with my PIL, my husband told them that next time we would show just for coffee and cake. Now they always wait for us although if we get there late (we had a baby recently which makes getting somewhere on time a big challenge) they will always make a bad comment. They also have dinner at stupid hours like 4:30, how can you even be late for dinner at 4:30pm??? That honestly puts me off from seeing them more often but I don't have a 7h travel ahead. If I did that would be the final straw for me.

MrsCarson · 02/10/2023 10:44

If you have to go again, I'd try giving false times. For instance, you are really arriving at 5.30 only tell them you are getting close and should be there by 6.30 see if they have eaten before you arrive. Or if they planned to eat the 30 mins before you arrive again. You'll be there in time to eat if they do it on purpose, and you'll know for sure they are being rude

ensayers · 02/10/2023 11:27

Stop giving them travel time updates and arrive an hour before they expect you.

Or say we are booking a table at brewers fayre etc at 5 for tea, meet you there, bye.

MyCircumference · 02/10/2023 12:05

perhaps they have false teeth and find them awkward?

Original poster
Kindlemagic · 02/10/2023 13:50

Thanks to all for your responses - I can confirm no one has false teeth or eating issues, and yes they had enough chairs. When I questioned MIL the last time it happened she admitted they absolutely did not normally eat at 4.30 (more usual would be 6.30). The food is often lukewarm - sometimes heated up in a microwave which often makes it soggy or overcooked. So this is something they are choosing to do, it is not routine, and I can only think it is a punishment for us living so far away (as this is a definite bone of contention despite them recognising we are very happy, have good jobs and enjoy where we are). It does seem that most people agree with me that this is strange and rude - DH would not admit it to me as being rude and I try not to criticise his family to him - so it’s good to see I’m not crazy here!

OP posts:
Original poster
Kindlemagic · 02/10/2023 13:53

I should add - when we have turned up with our own food this is clearly taken to be rude by them and assumed to be a statement about their hospitality so we can’t seem to win

OP posts:
FerretFarago · 02/10/2023 13:54

Have Christmas at home!

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 13:58

Kindlemagic · 02/10/2023 13:53

I should add - when we have turned up with our own food this is clearly taken to be rude by them and assumed to be a statement about their hospitality so we can’t seem to win

I'd be blunt about this.

Turn up with your own food, ideally something like piping hot fish and chips from the local chippy, and say, "Well I know you think it's rude, but last time you served us mushy lukewarm leftovers and we thought that was rude. Either way it seems someone is going to think someone else is being rude and we might as well go with the option that gets us a nice hot meal."

People like this deserve to have a statement made about their hospitality, because their hospitality is crap. If they don't like it, maybe they'll stop behaving like dicks. Or maybe you'll give yourselves permission to visit less often.

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 13:59

FerretFarago · 02/10/2023 13:54

Have Christmas at home!

And this, yes, goes without saying. Fuck spending 7 hours in the car on Christmas Day.

beanii · 02/10/2023 14:24

I wouldn't be going again 🤷‍♀️

GreatGardenstuff · 02/10/2023 14:53

I don’t think my MIL ever cooked a meal for our family when we visited, despite a 5+hr journey to get there. We always had to go to Tesco or get takeaway delivered. Even when we had toddler DC she often wouldn’t even have got bread and milk in. Always expected to be properly hosted when she visited us though. She did randomly provide a huge buffet for us and DHs brother and family, but told no one, so we’d all already eaten in the way, expecting the usual lack of hospitality.
I don’t visit anymore, I’ve left it with DH.