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Original poster

Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

292 replies

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:10

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

OP posts:
Regholdsworthswaterbed · 30/09/2023 13:08

Very rude. I wouldn't be driving 7 hours to put up with that shit.

Ridemeginger · 30/09/2023 13:09

It's a rude, passive. aggressive power play. She/they are telling you you don't matter.

Poppyseed14 · 30/09/2023 13:17

It's rude but I also find it strange that you would choose to spend the entire Christmas day with small children in a car driving to see them. Presumably you don't drive back the same day after that long drive so wouldn't it be much easier to drive the day before and then you are ready for Christmas Dinner as and when they choose to serve it? My inlaws aren't quite as far away, about 3.5 hours. When we go to see them, which is as little as possible, we go to our hotel when we get there and go out to eat by ourselves that first evening when we are tired after the journey. It's much less stressful that way.

FerretFarago · 30/09/2023 13:24

Enjoy Christmas in your home with your children, give them some nice memories of opening and playing with their presents then enjoying a nice meal. Not stuck 7 hours in a car seat followed by leftovers.

Redpaisley · 30/09/2023 13:24

Dillane · 30/09/2023 11:09

Hardly ‘the height of rudeness’ OP, get a grip 🙄

Or maybe you should be getting a grip for reacting like this to OP.

C8H10N4O2 · 30/09/2023 13:35

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:39

I do think this might be a very different idea of what is rude. I think maybe somehow they don’t think this is rude? I do try to get them to come to us as it’s so hard to go to them and they have no space for us either but this has turned to a real bone of contention as they don’t like to be away from home. To keep the peace we have agreed to come to them on occasion. My DH has a tortured relationship with them so I just try to keep everyone on an even keel. And yes, I’d just rather not go at all!

We lived a similar distance from both sets of grandparents. When our children were young both sets were equally active sets of retired 60 somethings, fully mobile and able to travel. One set would come to us at least as often as we went to them, were always willing to visit extra to help out at key times, the others preferred to stay at home and expected us to do all the traveling with two jobs and a clutch of small children.

Guess which grandparents the children saw more often and spent more time with, especially when the reached the age of "elective" visiting.

sellotape12 · 30/09/2023 13:37

I don't think this is rude but definitely a bit odd. My guess is they're not doing it to be malicious but because they don't like changes. Is someone in their family a bit OCD about timings and routine? I would be v peeved off about the Christmas Day one! That's the point of Christmas dinner - to have it together.

sellotape12 · 30/09/2023 13:43

And btw OP, I sympathise. My in-laws are six hours away, have visited us three times in seven years (two of those times since baby). Their expectation was that we'd spend entire summers at their house (er, forgetting we work?) like some sort of Ladybird book era fantasy. When we spend Christmas with them, there's no decorations, games or fun, just mealtimes at a set time, Gparents in the kitchen all morning cooking, mandatory Queen's speech watching and no real festivities. We go because we feel we have to.
I have since learned they likely have a mild, undiagnosed autism. They don't think around social situations and social norms. They simply wouldn't think (in your case) they were being a bit off. They almost need to live their life quite rote with a children should be seen and not heard vibe because they think this is normal.

LivLongAndProsper · 30/09/2023 13:47

It's odd but definitely not the "height of rudeness" and I'd try to just be glad that a) someone has cooked for me and b) my little darlings aren't ruining someone else's meal.
I'd honestly focus on the silver linings.

MartyFunkhouser · 30/09/2023 13:54

Very rude, but perhaps they don’t like you either?

fruitbrewhaha · 30/09/2023 13:56

They are Christmas dinner without you? Fuck that shit. It’s some weird passive aggression.

Your DH can visit without you.

TurquoiseDress · 30/09/2023 14:10

I don't think they're being deliberately rude, just very set in their ways and oblivious as to how this comes across to guests

My parents are a bit like this.
We live fairly local to them (certainly no 7 hour drive beforehand!) if we arrange to come over for dinner at 7 and are delayed by maybe 15/20 mins and let them know, once we arrive they are already sat down and tucking into dinner

I'll then, at a later date, get some sarcastic comments from one or both of them about me being rude/late/not taking others into consideration.

Then I'm like FFS why couldn't you have waited 15/20mins for us to arrive so we could all eat dinner together?

At this point they simply close ranks and tell me I'm got the bad attitude/issues

I'm mid 40s and they've always been like this

Sympathies OP, sounds like they're very set in the ways as opposed to it being done deliberately.

OlizraWiteomQua · 30/09/2023 14:11

I would be letting them know that you'll stop off in (insert place half an hour away) and get supper there so that you arrive fed. Then you can have a nice meal rather than cold leftovers and they can do whatever works for them.

Yes it's rude of them but clearly for them, eating together isn't important.

DNLove · 30/09/2023 14:18

In future I would not go for special occasions e.g. Christmas and on the times I did travel I would ye them not to worry about your dinner. You'll stop on the way and get something.

Seaweed42 · 30/09/2023 14:26

MIL might not be seeing you as guests but seeing you as she sees DH.

A son who couldn't give a shite and she's got so sick of putting his dinner in the oven for hours she now just thinks 'heat up your own bloody dinners, I waited hand and foot on you and you never bothered to tell me you didn't want a dinner'

Maybe you are reaping the rewards of what DH planted for many years.

rogueone · 30/09/2023 14:28

wouldnt bother going again tbh

MargotBamborough · 30/09/2023 14:31

Seaweed42 · 30/09/2023 14:26

MIL might not be seeing you as guests but seeing you as she sees DH.

A son who couldn't give a shite and she's got so sick of putting his dinner in the oven for hours she now just thinks 'heat up your own bloody dinners, I waited hand and foot on you and you never bothered to tell me you didn't want a dinner'

Maybe you are reaping the rewards of what DH planted for many years.

Is that you, MIL?

SquirrelFeeder · 30/09/2023 14:54

I would turn round, grab the kids and walk out

JANEY205 · 30/09/2023 14:57

I’d NEVER do Christmas with them again. And it’s ridiculously shitty and rude of them!

Autumnwreaths23 · 30/09/2023 15:19

Some people feel uncomfortable eating with others.
I do, due to my mental health/ agoraphobia.
I would love to be sociable, but it just gets too much. 😥

whynotwhatknot · 30/09/2023 15:22

if they really do want to eat earlier because theyre hungry why not just say so

not waiting another 25 minutes extra for you is just passive aggressive

bemorebernard · 30/09/2023 15:34

Why doesn't your dh just say something? He could just ask if in they could wait in future so you can eat together

They may not even have recognised its rude if they're quite set in their ways or mealtimes

heyitsthistle · 30/09/2023 15:37

Holy crap, that is so rude. That'd drive me insane.

Mirabai · 30/09/2023 15:38

I can’t believe anyone thinks serving a meal 30 mins before you arrive is unintentional! Or not rude. Or not massively passive aggressive.

People only do this to me once. If it happened again I would pull the plug on the whole thing.

Stop visiting give PIL and let them consider their machinations at leisure.

Ramalangadingdong · 30/09/2023 16:09

It sounds a bit weird but I don’t think it rude.