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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

292 replies

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:10

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

OP posts:
Toomuchtrouble4me · 01/10/2023 18:12

I don’t think it’s a big deal if there’s not enough room. She’s feeding family, it should be able to be casual. But Xmas - that’s a bit odd. Tell her to wait next time you go gif Xmas, otherwise, it doesn’t matter. And it’s not leftovers - she’s cooked you all a meal and you’re having your later, it’s hardly the scraps ftom her plate.

Crayfishforyou · 01/10/2023 18:15

Yabu. It’s rude.
we have a tiny eating space. When we have guests round we bring in garden chairs, pile up the furniture and make picnic areas for the kids so everybody has a space to eat socially.

changeme4this · 01/10/2023 18:18

My parents got into the habit of eating dinner around 4.30pm, but not much for lunch.

if they waited any later they would become agitated due to not having a proper lunch apart from biscuits and a cup of tea.

I suspect it’s an old age thing for some. Mind you when I was growing up, always had dinner done by 6pm so we could watch the news and mum would be in bed reading by 8pm.

aloris · 01/10/2023 18:30

Stop going there for Christmas, you'll be so much happier. Your children should get to eat hot food after traveling for 7 hours on Christmas Day. Actually, your children should not have to travel on Christmas Day, they should be able to wake up, open their presents, and enjoy their day. One day, they'll be adults and the magic of Christmas will be gone, and it will just be one more annoying day they have to decide whether or not to travel 7 hours to see family. This is their time to enjoy being little kids at Christmas and having all the magic. Don't take that away from them.

Smelly28 · 01/10/2023 18:33

My MIL does this and we have 3 DC (10,7, 15months) I don’t see it as rude rather than making sure there’s enough room at the dinner table and letting the children eat at their own pace especially after a long journey (we travel about 4 hours). We find as well that DC would end up forgetting to eat and instead be chatting the entire time to grandparents.

if you don’t like this happening stop and eat elsewhere before getting there?

Christmas dinner however I would agree was rude.

PrimalOwl10 · 01/10/2023 18:36

Eating at 5 o'clock is extremely late on Christmas. Could you not travelled down the day before?

Mirabai · 01/10/2023 18:38

changeme4this · 01/10/2023 18:18

My parents got into the habit of eating dinner around 4.30pm, but not much for lunch.

if they waited any later they would become agitated due to not having a proper lunch apart from biscuits and a cup of tea.

I suspect it’s an old age thing for some. Mind you when I was growing up, always had dinner done by 6pm so we could watch the news and mum would be in bed reading by 8pm.

So then you say when making the arrangement: we can’t eat as late as 5, why don’t you drive down the night before and we can all eat Christmas lunch at 1pm.

Hottip · 01/10/2023 18:43

I just wouldn't go again, I'd say - sorry we're staying here, last year you ate dinner without us so I dont see the point driving 7hrs just to eat alone - we can do that at home.

Also though OP - are you really telling me you bundle kids in the car for a 7hr drive on Christmas day.....why are you worried about what your inlaws think of you rather than what your children will think of you when they grow up and think back about how they spent their Christmas?!

Invite your inlaws to you.

SPLIFFSFOREVER · 01/10/2023 18:47

Try going 30 mins earlier.

ActDottie · 01/10/2023 18:48

Yep that’s rude. I’d be annoyed dinner is the time you all talk and catch up etc. so it’s taking away a massive part of the social bit.

CatNoBag · 01/10/2023 18:51

What happens for every other meal after that? Presume you stay for a while due to travel distance, so thre are other meals the next day etc? Do they manage to sit everyone around the table for those?

Atsocta · 01/10/2023 19:02

Seems very rude, are your children well behaved at the meal table?
wondered if they enjoy their meals in peace
Not really any excuse for the few times your there though.

caringcarer · 01/10/2023 19:03

Dreadfully rude. They are making it clear you are not really welcome. I'd not go this Xmas.

PonyPatter44 · 01/10/2023 19:08

It's the height of rudeness. You don't invite anyone for dinner and then eat without them, especially if you know they've had a colossal drive to get to you. I think I just wouldn't bother driving to see them in future - presumably the roads go both ways and they can come and see you.

The only way I would carry on visiting them would be to go up the day before and stay in a Travelodge or something, then meet them for lunch and drive back home afterwards.

RetirementIsGreat · 01/10/2023 19:09

That is what my granddaughter and her parents do for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I have met different international university students. All of them through the years have been lovely.

HurkleDurkling · 01/10/2023 19:13

Is this happening in UK?
Our family tradition - It’s expected to eat immediately after the ‘Queen now the King Charles 3rd’s speech’. Always has been in our family. 3pm the food is ready to be served immediately the Speech is over.

never before the Speech and only much later if there’s been a problem. One year the turkey wasn’t ready so was nearer 4pm. I thought this was general practice!
Perhaps if it’s happening abroad, then it’s maybe different.

Shadowfox · 01/10/2023 19:21

just do the same thing back to them when they come to visit and see how they like it turn about is fair play after all.

Utterknowitall · 01/10/2023 19:27

I actually think, in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. Everyone's different, and we have to put up with peoples idiosyncrasies. It's not lovely but it's not the end of the world. (Also it might be her husband pressuring her to do it. )

givemeasunnyday · 01/10/2023 19:41

It's unusual, but it wouldn't bother me in the slightest. What's so terrible about eating after they have finished?

Gingerbee · 01/10/2023 19:52

My DH family were like that. Lunch was at noon. It didn't matter that we had a 6 hour drive with kids. Once arrived at 12.15 to be told 'Your late," they had started
Once happened at Christmas at SIL said we would be there by 5pm on Christmas day and agreed dinner for then.
We arrived before 4pm and they had eaten.
Some people are just inflexible and can't change routines.
The other side of the family are always late.
I have learnt just to accept it.

letsallmeetupinthehyear2000 · 01/10/2023 20:00

personally I don’t think they are being rude - just practical. They are older and don’t want to eat later and maybe don’t have the space?

MdNdD · 01/10/2023 20:28

My ex MIL had similar weird habits with guests. Eg, dictating exactly what time we had to arrive, to the minute, (if we were early, we had to wait down the street), then having no food in the house at all and sending me (with 3 small children) to the shops to buy lunch. she is a narcissist and enjoyed being able to control everyone. Apple didn’t fall far from that tree…. Also, she didn’t like having the children around. Perhaps your MIL doesn’t actually want to eat with you?

Meowandthen · 01/10/2023 20:32

CBA to RTFT but this is odd. Why hasn’t your husband said something to his parents? Have they always been like that?

Why drive seven hours on Christmas Day though? Extra rude of them that day even so.

Do they make any of you feel welcome in other ways?

pikkumyy77 · 01/10/2023 20:37

Yes its a hostile and antisocial act. Throughout human history and in EVERY culture commensality is a serious business. Families are the people you share food with. Not feeding family and children the same (or better) food as seniors marks a problem. In societies or times where food is scarce seniors may deny food to juniors, or families may fracture along internal lines such as mother and child vs father’s other children, or men first, or workers/earners first. But not eating together at all, not arranging a good meal for Son/DIL/children? From a social/cultural standpoint that is really disordered.

Just stop going.

Mari9999 · 01/10/2023 21:03

@Kindlemagic
Do they not have a microwave and appropriate re -heating devices? Why were you compelled to eat cold food?

Perhaps, it might be wise to plan a stop to eat a meal before arriving at the in-laws.

This is never going to be a particularly enjoyable visit for you but maybe you can plan to mitigate some of the things that you do not enjoy.

As the children become older maybe your husband and children can make an annual visit without you. You in turn can plan some me time activities.