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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my MIL rude with her food serving habit?

292 replies

Kindlemagic · 30/09/2023 10:10

Ok I’ll be honest I don’t like my MIL for so many reasons. However I do my best to be warm and kind when we see them. It’s a long drive to get to them (around 7 hours) which is hard with little ones and always stressful and exhausting. Invariably due to the length of the drive we turn up around dinner time or just before and we are always informed beforehand that they’ll organise dinner for all of us - which is obviously welcome and appreciated. Almost always we find that they have eaten before we have arrived and we get served heated up leftovers. This even happened one Christmas when we left very early in the morning to make Christmas lunch - raced to get there and found they had decided to just go ahead and eat Christmas dinner 25 mins before we arrived (despite us keeping them updated on our journey as to the time we would be arriving). Last time we arrived at 5pm thinking surely we had got there in time, but no, they ate at 4.30 so we ate dinner on our own just after 5pm, picked through the cold leftovers, and they wandered off to serve themselves pudding separately. I was so annoyed I couldn’t help myself asking why they ate so early and why they hadn’t waited on us and was informed they made a point of eating particularly early and before we arrived as they thought it was best if the dinner table wasn’t so crowded. Am I being unreasonable in thinking this is really weird and the height of rudeness? Whenever they come to us we ensure we sit down together to eat together and the meal is served hot to everyone.

OP posts:
S910441 · 30/09/2023 16:12

So rude. Reminds me of a friend of mine - I was delayed by my train once when visiting for lunch, but still arrived by 13.20, yet everyone had already finished eating their (cold) meal. Yet she's a stickler for manners and will bring it up if she thinks you've been impolite. I think it's a power thing with some people.

Yerroblemom1923 · 30/09/2023 16:16

There's all kinds of weirdness here! A) who wants to spend Xmas day driving with kids for 7 hours?! B) why not announce you'll be arriving at a later time than you planned that way you'll turn up early and totally mess up their "eat first" plans and they'll have to eat with you, dh and your kids?
Tbf fair it sounds like a rubbish Xmas. I'd sack it now if I were you, OP.

Mirabai · 30/09/2023 16:33

Yerroblemom1923 · 30/09/2023 16:16

There's all kinds of weirdness here! A) who wants to spend Xmas day driving with kids for 7 hours?! B) why not announce you'll be arriving at a later time than you planned that way you'll turn up early and totally mess up their "eat first" plans and they'll have to eat with you, dh and your kids?
Tbf fair it sounds like a rubbish Xmas. I'd sack it now if I were you, OP.

Yes I mean with that kind of drive it would make more sense to arrive on Christmas Eve ready for a meal the next day.

00100001 · 30/09/2023 16:37

Autumnwreaths23 · 30/09/2023 15:19

Some people feel uncomfortable eating with others.
I do, due to my mental health/ agoraphobia.
I would love to be sociable, but it just gets too much. 😥

Presumably you wouldn't pile on guilt to someone to coerce them into visiting you and tell them you'll organise dinner for your guests that have travelled 7hrs with kids and then give them leftovers?

You'd probably not invite them over, especially for food in the first place.

Comtesse · 30/09/2023 17:08

It is incredibly rude. There is a lot of symbolism involved in literally breaking bread together that your in-laws are deliberately or otherwise ignoring.

For someone to do that when you have travelled 7 hours is frankly a crime against hospitality. but it would also be rude if you lived 10 mins walk away.

Let your husband deal with them - it’s not on you to rescue this “tortured” relationship.

FerretFarago · 30/09/2023 17:28

It’s a power play from the ILs. You are summoned so you have to go to stay in “favour”. So what if it’s greatly inconvenient to travel that far due to distance, cost, effect on young children…and when you arrive you get the scraps which you have to be thankful for.

jenpil · 30/09/2023 17:50

User478 · 30/09/2023 10:20

Rude, but probably not intended to be, I expect they think they're being very helpful by not being in the way when you're eating cold leftovers.

Tell them you're arriving an hour later than you actually are.
"Oh, the sat nav must have found a faster way, never mind at least we can all sit down together now!"

Haha! Brilliant! Yes! This! 😂

PreetyinPurple · 30/09/2023 18:49

It’s not just eating separately, it’s giving them cold leftovers after a 7 hour drive.
My MIL would serve Christmas dinner very late and ruin it on purpose. It was some form of punishment for being there, she also wouldn’t be happy if we didn’t go.
Id go between Christmas and new year, less drama.

Nazzywish · 30/09/2023 23:11

Not rude at all and them trying to be practical. We have a small dining table and often have to take turns when guests come or have to wait until they leave tonsit and eat properly , in between serving cleaning up etc. So I can totally understand the logic behind this and if anything u need to be more grateful I'd say!

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 30/09/2023 23:20

dijonketchup · 30/09/2023 11:39

My family are also like this. I went up for my birthday and we planned to get a takeaway together about 7:30pm. I put kids in pjs in car so they’d go straight in bed asleep on arrival. Hence the timing.

Parents messaged before I had even left saying they would be eating at 5:30 as normal as they were hungry. Ok, whatever. Asked if they’d mind me getting myself takeaway on arrival (because birthday), said that would offend as they’d cooked and there were leftovers to eat up.

They also don’t really talk during meals so my husband has had to encourage me to do this as an adult. I now see it’s part of normal family life to eat and talk together.

Some families are just different OP.

They don’t talk during a meal? What everyone wallops it down in silence? Families might be different, but blimey.

BoxOfCats · 01/10/2023 08:34

It's deliberate sabotage of what should otherwise be a pleasant occasion. It screams of them wanting to control you via punishment or manipulation. Are they controlling in other ways?

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 01/10/2023 08:43

It’s very strange. What happens at meal time if you are already there?

I would just ignore it and maybe get something to eat along the way.

Sugarfree23 · 01/10/2023 09:08

I'll assume the Op didn't travel until Christmas Day because they'd been working on Christmas Eve. Not everyone can get it off.

But God only knows what pressure (guilt tripping) they were put under to agree to spending most of Christmas Day in the car.

Op never again, just say No, not doing that to kids ever again!

Autumnwreaths23 · 01/10/2023 09:20

00100001 · 30/09/2023 16:37

Presumably you wouldn't pile on guilt to someone to coerce them into visiting you and tell them you'll organise dinner for your guests that have travelled 7hrs with kids and then give them leftovers?

You'd probably not invite them over, especially for food in the first place.

Show quote history

No of course I wouldn't.
I haven't had anyone around for a meal in 10 years due to crippling anxiety/ agoraphobia.

Original poster
Kindlemagic · 01/10/2023 09:39

Nazzywish · 30/09/2023 23:11

Not rude at all and them trying to be practical. We have a small dining table and often have to take turns when guests come or have to wait until they leave tonsit and eat properly , in between serving cleaning up etc. So I can totally understand the logic behind this and if anything u need to be more grateful I'd say!

Their dining table is small but not so small they couldn’t have made it work. In that situation at any rate I might have been inclined to do a first sitting of the kids and then the adults eat together later. It may just be that we have different ideas of what is rude.
And yes to all wondering why we travelled on Christmas Day my DH had to work the Christmas Eve.

OP posts:
KajsaKavat · 01/10/2023 09:42

I don’t think it’s rude but I do think it’s bizarre and strange and I wouldn’t the happy either.

Sugarfree23 · 01/10/2023 11:36

@Kindlemagic I'd guessed work was the reason for not travelling Christmas Eve, but what was the deciding factor in travelling Christmas Day rather than exjoying it at home and travelling Boxing day?

Anonymouseposter · 01/10/2023 12:05

Are either of your in laws confident cooks or do they normally just serve up basics? Are they really short of room around the table? Is the food they’re giving you really cold leftovers or is it reasonably palatable? How old are they? I don’t think it’s necessarily deliberately rude. I agree that it’s not in the spirit for Christmas dinner but you aren’t going for Christmas now, which seems sensible given the long drive. This wouldn’t bother me on an ordinary day. My own Northern parents used to “get tea out of the way “ at 4.30pm, a habit from working early shifts when younger. They then moved into the front room to watch TV which was never on during the day. All families are different and don’t necessarily have the middle class concept of having a meal together with wine etc. It might be rude and might not depending on their usual lifestyle and the thinking behind it. Do they seem pleased to see the grandkids or do they ignore them in general?

Glitterblue · 01/10/2023 12:15

I’m clearly in the minority here but I wonder if they’re trying to be thoughtful by giving you a bit of space after such a long journey with little ones when you’re bound to be exhausted. My brother, SIL and kids live around that distance away and the kids get a bit shy and overwhelmed when they first arrive and like to have time to get in and kind of get adjusted to being around people who they don’t see all that often so my parents tend to give them a bit of space when they first arrive - they do eat with them but I wonder if it’s a version of this with your in-laws.

itsgettingweird · 01/10/2023 12:22

Next time tell them you'll arrive at 6pm when you know you'll arrive at 5pm.

Then you'll be there on time for their 5.30pm dinner!

Yanbu though. It is odd and I wouldn't be going to visit someone 7hours away who didn't actually want to spend time with me.

Rtruth · 01/10/2023 17:50

I’d find it odd… but equally eating with loads of people can be cramped and unpleasant. So…can see from both sides

Sago1 · 01/10/2023 17:53

It’s just what my late mother used to do, she was a narc.
She was so inflexible, we would travel with the children and she would be furious that we had missed the mealtime, I vowed on my 40th birthday I would never eat a meal in her house again and I didn’t.

Daisiesonthelawn · 01/10/2023 17:56

If this is all they’re doing that’s rude, I really don’t think that it’s bad at all. It’s almost the least worst MIL story I’ve ever heard. I expect they’ve got a good reason for it in their mind and don’t realise how annoyed you are.

MeandT · 01/10/2023 18:04

I'm probably the 93rd person to say this as I've not scanned whole thread, but can't you just introduce a bit of time zone delay @Kindlemagic? As in leave 30 mins before you tell them you do, text 'oh, quite a bit of traffic around [large city on route], sat nav saying 15 mins later. Then need to have an inconvenient wee stop for the kids so tack another 15 mins on for safety.

That should have you arriving a whole hour before they think you will be and....TADA! They haven't yet sat down to hoover their portions before you all arrive.

Even if they're miserable buggers about it, at least you'll get some entertainment from the surprise for one trip?!?

NeverAgain121 · 01/10/2023 18:08

I don't know if ita rude or not. Maybe it is , maybe it is not. But I want to tell you, if you stop being bothered about these small, inconsequential things, your life will be happier. So what if they ate, you just eat and not have it affect you. At the end of the day, you will spare yourself the anxiety.

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