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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not travel for christening

234 replies

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 09:53

Sorry this might be a bit long.

It's my husband's niece's christening coming up soon and it would be at least a five hour drive without stops, traffic ect.

We have been asked to be god parents. Very honored of course although we are not religious. Nor are the parents.

I have 3 very small children. One is 8 months and absolutely hates being in the car seat. She used to sleep but now just screams until she is out again. It's horrendous and so stressful driving anywhere. My eldest was like this aswell and I remember the absolute hell of trying to do long journeys with him and I never wanted to go through it again.

Of course I want to visit family but was just going to wait until the baby is a bit older and happier to be in the car. I cannot face it!

We also have a family wedding coming up a few weeks after the christening which is another really long drive. This has been booked for years and I absolutely have to go to this. I cannot face doing two of these massive journeys just weeks apart.

Another issue is we are planning on staying at a relatives home for the christening. Very kind of them to have us but this home is really not baby friendly at all.

We also don't have a travel cot plus the baby only sleeps when Co sleeping really so I have to sleep on a single matatress on the floor with the baby whilst the older children sleep in the bed with my husband. All in the same room where I can imagine them all waking each other up ect. Not the end of the world but just another thing really putting me off.

Also, these parents are not religious. None if us are. It's just one of those 'for the sake of it' type of christenings so it all seems a lot of effort for something so pointless. Sorry that sounds a bit mean. I think they just want a family party so it does seem such effort for no real reason.

The whole thing is just causing me massive dead and anxiety to be honest.

What do you think? Do I need to suck it up or am I reasonable to give it a miss.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 30/09/2023 17:40

Are you taking the baby by car to your sister’s wedding? Is the journey significantly shorter?

How will your husband feel about it if you stay behind? I don’t see why anyone (especially your SIL who clearly has a small child herself) would object if you explained the situation, sent the older kids with DH and stayed at home with the baby…

The only person I can see being a bit put out is DH who might feel like you are capable of taking the baby in the car for your sister’s wedding but not for something that he deems as equally important to his brother/sister. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 17:45

Bex5490 · 30/09/2023 17:40

Are you taking the baby by car to your sister’s wedding? Is the journey significantly shorter?

How will your husband feel about it if you stay behind? I don’t see why anyone (especially your SIL who clearly has a small child herself) would object if you explained the situation, sent the older kids with DH and stayed at home with the baby…

The only person I can see being a bit put out is DH who might feel like you are capable of taking the baby in the car for your sister’s wedding but not for something that he deems as equally important to his brother/sister. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I hope she would understand.
Her child is younger and still sleeps most of the time in the car apparently so she might not get what it's like. But I hope she wouldn't take it personally.

I can see why it looks bad. I guess it's the fact of doing two of these hellish journeys that is the issue.

So if I wasn't going to the wedding people wouldn't think I was being as unreasonable?

OP posts:
Millybob · 30/09/2023 17:46

Just say that you've now read the baptismal vows and don't feel able to make promises you can't keep.
Or tell the truth - that your husband didn't run it past you before accepting, but that it's too far to travel. I wouldn't travel that far for my own kids' christening, let alone a niece's by marrriage!

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 17:47

Millybob · 30/09/2023 17:46

Just say that you've now read the baptismal vows and don't feel able to make promises you can't keep.
Or tell the truth - that your husband didn't run it past you before accepting, but that it's too far to travel. I wouldn't travel that far for my own kids' christening, let alone a niece's by marrriage!

Yeah I would absolutely tell the truth. I honestly feel they are valid reasons.

And i would travel the distance happily if it weren't for the baby. I don't want to cause her such distress if it can be avoided at all.

OP posts:
Bex5490 · 30/09/2023 17:51

I think ultimately you staying behind with the baby is facilitating your DH and other children to have a smooth trip and maybe enjoy it more. Life with small children isn’t easy so if your SIL doesn’t understand that then she’s not very supportive.

If you kept your husband from going too then I think she’d have a reason to be pissed off. Would your sister understand if you said DH was staying behind from the wedding to look after the baby as it would be too much with all of you? I’m sure she would.

StaySpicy · 30/09/2023 17:52

users953269 · 30/09/2023 10:45

@StaySpicy Where did OP say she was an atheist?

OP says "We are not religious".

If you don't believe in a religion, that doesn't make you a "non-observer" by default, it makes you not that religion.

And this isn't about the OP attending the ceremony. It's about taking a active role and promising you believe and trust in God and you'll help bring up the child in that faith. If you don't believe in Christianity and do not consider yourself Christian then these are promises that you shouldn't be making!!

Hygeelady · 30/09/2023 17:53

It's unlikely the baby would scream for 5 hours in the car, most babies hate car seats but soon settle. I don't understand why that's fine for your sisters wedding but not the christening though? Isn't it the same thing?
What does your husband say? The only thing that really matters is the decision you both make together, not all the varied views on here...

Bex5490 · 30/09/2023 17:54

Taking a stance on her decision to have a christening as a non believer is a WHOLE other conversation 😂😂.

That will end up in way more drama than staying home because of the baby!

Hygeelady · 30/09/2023 17:55

Bex5490 · 30/09/2023 17:54

Taking a stance on her decision to have a christening as a non believer is a WHOLE other conversation 😂😂.

That will end up in way more drama than staying home because of the baby!

Yeah I wouldn't touch thay convo with a barge pole 🤣

Bex5490 · 30/09/2023 17:57

Hygeelady · 30/09/2023 17:55

Yeah I wouldn't touch thay convo with a barge pole 🤣

Show quote history

And definitely not in a ‘my baby hates cars so I can’t make it but also….
….your christening is a sham!’ 😂

PollyPut · 30/09/2023 17:57

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 10:06

My husband was asked and he agreed. I did actually say to him I don't think we can be and he said its fine you don't need to be religious.
I think the whole christening thing when the parents aren't even religious is ridiculous to be honest.
Maybe I should have said no...

Are you christened? Is your husband?

If not, are you sure that you can technically be godparents? Has anyone actually checked this?

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 17:58

PollyPut · 30/09/2023 17:57

Are you christened? Is your husband?

If not, are you sure that you can technically be godparents? Has anyone actually checked this?

Show quote history

We are both christened.
Actually one is catholic. One christian
That must make a difference

OP posts:
olympicsrock · 30/09/2023 17:59

OP you sound exhausted . It‘s reaonable not to go. DH can go on his own . Not everyone will get it and they may get upset and never forget it.

Some years ago when DS 2 was a baby and DS1 was 4 . We declined a nephews 21st birthday in a smart restaurant that involved a long journey. It was just too much for us to face. DH sister was upset though…

Do what you need to do.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 18:01

Hygeelady · 30/09/2023 17:53

It's unlikely the baby would scream for 5 hours in the car, most babies hate car seats but soon settle. I don't understand why that's fine for your sisters wedding but not the christening though? Isn't it the same thing?
What does your husband say? The only thing that really matters is the decision you both make together, not all the varied views on here...

My baby screams, cries, becomes absolutely hysterical. Wont settle until we let her out. Its heart breaking. She can mange short journeys just about but even that can be a struggle. Longer than about 20 minutes becomes an absolute nightmare

OP posts:
Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 18:03

olympicsrock · 30/09/2023 17:59

OP you sound exhausted . It‘s reaonable not to go. DH can go on his own . Not everyone will get it and they may get upset and never forget it.

Some years ago when DS 2 was a baby and DS1 was 4 . We declined a nephews 21st birthday in a smart restaurant that involved a long journey. It was just too much for us to face. DH sister was upset though…

Do what you need to do.

I really don't want to cause upset. But I just feel like I would absolutely understand if it were the other way round.
It is important to her for her baby but it is important to me that mine isn't so upset and distressed.

OP posts:
Nervosa · 30/09/2023 18:06

You have 2 options:

Don't go. Don't agree to do things you don't want to do in the future and tell your DH to not agree to things on your behalf without consulting you first.

Suck it up, attend both events and chalk it up to experience

Americano75 · 30/09/2023 18:09

I remember when my youngest was 9 months old and we all went on holiday down south. She was the calmest, most chilled baby but she screamed all the way there, all four hours of it. That was nine years ago and I still shudder at the memory.

So, no. I can't blame you OP.

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 18:11

Americano75 · 30/09/2023 18:09

I remember when my youngest was 9 months old and we all went on holiday down south. She was the calmest, most chilled baby but she screamed all the way there, all four hours of it. That was nine years ago and I still shudder at the memory.

So, no. I can't blame you OP.

Thanks for your understanding!
I had it with my eldest also it was utter hell.
I swore I wouldn't do it again

OP posts:
BubziOwl · 30/09/2023 18:14

Slight tangent but as a church-going Christian, I'm very happy to see non-religious parents use christenings as a celebration if it feels meaningful to them. All our congregation feel similarly. Celebrating new life is beautiful.

Plenty of people feel quite spiritual but not religious, but find churches/religious ceremonies are a meaningful way to channel that feeling - easy to see why surely?

Thementalloadisreal · 30/09/2023 18:15

Controversial but could you pull a sickie at the last minute?

Original poster
Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 18:19

Thementalloadisreal · 30/09/2023 18:15

Controversial but could you pull a sickie at the last minute?

I don't want to lie to them or make my husband lie.
I don't feel there is anything wrong with my reasons for not going if I decide not to so would be honest if it came to that.
Wish I could just teleport...

OP posts:
harriethoyle · 30/09/2023 18:23

@Waddlequack I might have missed this but is there any reason your DH can't go on his own and be godfather? I really don't think you can both be godparents and not attend, just seems really shit but compromise could be him representing your family?

Allthingsdecember · 30/09/2023 18:25

I understand prioritising a wedding and not wanting to do two long drives with a car seat hating baby (especially if you’re all going to be cramped if you stay over).

I think your DH and older children really need to go though. It’s his niece and he should be there to celebrate with his family.

You could just tell them what you’ve said here… but it’s likely to hurt their feelings/cause bad feeling going forward. Or you could invent an appointment late on the Friday for the baby, and tell them you are gutted that you can’t make it 🤷‍♀️.

user14699084658 · 30/09/2023 18:33

I think I’d send DH and two eldest children to the christening and you take the two eldest to the wedding leaving DH home with the baby.
If the baby will really be that distressed surely both trips are too much!

Thementalloadisreal · 30/09/2023 18:35

Waddlequack · 30/09/2023 18:19

I don't want to lie to them or make my husband lie.
I don't feel there is anything wrong with my reasons for not going if I decide not to so would be honest if it came to that.
Wish I could just teleport...

Show quote history

Fair enough but the honest truth will offend them, there’s no way around that. Even if you and posters on here think you’re not BU they will think you are.

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