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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be raging angry over this

266 replies

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:14

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum

I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official.

We have a baby together.

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third.

Dsd wasnt here.

Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

OP posts:
Tandora · 30/09/2023 09:59

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 09:55

Well, they may feel that way and it would not unusual, but I am betting only the lowest of the low would beat their SC over the head with that fact. I doubt any of them would say, in front of their step-child, "I love my DD more than anyone else in the whole wide world. Oh, hey kid. Yeah, love you too, somewhat."

Show quote history

Yes I think this is probably true in reality, but then people come on this forum and justify all kinds of behaviour that make the same point obvious to the children. Furthermore, they argue things like - would be “unfair” and “hurtful” to their biological children to say you love “someone else’s” child the same; that it would devalue their love for their own child and furthermore that it would be “cruel” to the step child to pretend!

PussInBin20 · 30/09/2023 09:59

It was a joke! - you said so yourself. I’m sure you didn’t pick someone so cruel for it to be true 🙄

AngryBird6122 · 30/09/2023 10:07

I think two things are important here:

How did the conversation come up?

What happened after this?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 30/09/2023 10:11

I would hope it was just thoughtless stupidity on his part, and that he’ll do his best to make it up by his behaviour to your poor dd.

TBH IMO nice people can sometimes say stupidly hurtful things. Of course it’s a bit different, but a perfectly nice male friend of ours once said to the dd of a mutual friend, during some sort of related conversation, ‘You’re stocky, like your dad.’

The girl was maybe about 13 and I could see from her face how instantly upset she was. She did to some extent take after her dad, who did have a very stocky build, but FGS, you don’t say such things!

The bloke was apparently oblivious of having said anything upsetting. TBH it was years ago but I’ve never forgotten it.

CM1897 · 30/09/2023 10:15

We used to ask my dad who was his favourite, he’d say none of you, I dislike you all the same. It used to make us laugh. He’d jokingly say aww this is why you’re my favourite if we did something to help him. But it was always jokey and we took it that way.

what your DP did sounds bad written down, but if my dad had said it we would have found it funny as we know what he’s like.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 30/09/2023 10:23

He best hope your DD doesn’t ever relay the conversation to her stepsister as his older daughter will likely also be incredibly hurt to hear she’s second.

Hearing that her dad openly called the new baby, who gets to live with him full time when she doesn’t, his favourite could be very damaging for their relationship. Also for her relationship with her half sister

bemorelemmy · 30/09/2023 10:25

I hope you give him hell for shoving his teen daughter down the ranks- or would you have let that slide?

Baffled1989 · 30/09/2023 10:44

What a fucking idiot, he needs to grovel and do damage control ASAP.

DeliaOwens · 30/09/2023 10:52

What catastrophically stupid thing to say. If I put myself in your DD shoes, I would be at least crestfallen but probably more likely heartbroken.
If I were her, unless I had a honest grovelling apology from him, I would not feel inclined to forgive him. OP, you need to ensure he makes this right, in the correct way, not his bumbling verbally stupid way

What a splendid way to ensure she doesn't think of her home as a welcoming place to be.

PastelLilac · 30/09/2023 10:59

Nottheusualsuspect84 · 30/09/2023 09:32

My df once said to a lady in passing I have 7 DC and I said no you don't you have 8 he replied well you don't live with me so you don't count 25 years later and I still remember feeling so angry and upset I was 14 and only spent weekends and holidays with my 4 step siblings 2 half siblings and dB who chose to live with them.

So sad that your dad said he loved his 4 step children more than his biological daughter 🙁

BelindaBears · 30/09/2023 11:01

This conversation should have been shut down immediately - because of course she is third behind his own two children. That’s not something a 10 year old should be confronted with, but it’s obviously going to be the truth.

VeronicasCloset · 30/09/2023 11:59

Tandora · 30/09/2023 09:42

Because those threads are talking about how adults might need to accept a situation no they aren’t though. People repeatedly say that the kids need to learn to accept the situation. I don’t agree with it personally at all but it’s the usual response so I’m confused by this thread.

Show quote history

Can you link an example? That’s not anything I’ve ever seen

happinessischocolate · 30/09/2023 16:23

@PastelLilac
*
So sad that your dad said he loved his 4 step children more than his biological daughter 🙁*

The father did not say that.

He said he had 7 children, he obviously meant living in his house, there's no mention of who he does or doesn't love

amyds2104 · 30/09/2023 16:29

Why are you with someone who would make your dd feel like that? And laugh along with it too?!?!? Just Awful. My son is in a situation similar to your DD and I’m lucky my husband isn’t a moron but I don’t know whether your DPs comments are worse or your response of laughing about it to try and make it seem less worse…. Talk about invalidating her feelings. She is at an age where she will remember this conversation too. Please don’t make it “official” if this is how he “acting” stepdad. He is hurtful and cruel.

Creamteasandbumblebees · 30/09/2023 17:09

Sorry but DP was incredibly cruel.
My Husband has never once treated my eldest daughter any differently to our daughter, if he did (even once) I wouldn't be with him.
Unfortunately this is a comment she'll never get over.

PastelLilac · 30/09/2023 18:16

happinessischocolate · 30/09/2023 16:23

@PastelLilac
*
So sad that your dad said he loved his 4 step children more than his biological daughter 🙁*

The father did not say that.

He said he had 7 children, he obviously meant living in his house, there's no mention of who he does or doesn't love

If your dad lived with 4 step children and you lived elsewhere and he told people that he only had 4 children and not 5, wouldn't you feel hurt and unloved? He said 'I have 7 children' not 'I live with 7 children but I have 8.'

Underestimated4 · 30/09/2023 21:43

That’s absolutely horrendous…I’m not sure what to even add to that. He needs to do some serious damage control, she’ll never forget those comments.

GrazingSheep · 30/09/2023 21:48

Is the op still here ??

vivainsomnia · 30/09/2023 21:54

At 10, your DD shouldn't have asked this question to him. You s should have stopped it before he even had the chance to make a joke of the answer. What did she expect? Him to say 'no of course, you're my favourite?'

At 10, I would have been mature not to ask such a question to my stepdad.

Moggi · 01/10/2023 10:43

My overriding memory of my ex step dad was when I was around 10 making a stupid 10 year old joke about him paying for my wedding one day (I had known him since I was 5 but I didn’t actually expect this it was just a silly comment) and he stopped in a supermarket and said “oh no I won’t be doing that because I’m not your dad”. Dead serious. Seems not that awful but it really stuck with me, especially the fact that my mum laughed it off instead of asking if I was upset. I would be insisting he apologises to DD and says he was just joking he doesn’t really have favourites…

Passepartoute · 01/10/2023 10:49

vivainsomnia · 30/09/2023 21:54

At 10, your DD shouldn't have asked this question to him. You s should have stopped it before he even had the chance to make a joke of the answer. What did she expect? Him to say 'no of course, you're my favourite?'

At 10, I would have been mature not to ask such a question to my stepdad.

FFS, how on earth can this be the child's fault, let alone OP's? Did either of them force her partner to answer the way he did?

Children have been asking that sort of question for ever, mature adults answer it sensibly with something like "You're all my favourites" or "You're my favourite 10 year old".

Hotmessmum · 01/10/2023 10:59

This is a conversation that comes up in our house and the response is usually “depends what day you ask me, but more often than not the dog!” This usually makes everyone laugh and we move the conversation on.

We also don’t use the words step or half. My step daughter is my bonus child. And she is my children’s sister end of story and we are a blended family.

Yes i think your partner could have chosen his words more carefully but maybe the conversation shouldn't have got that far.

Technonan · 01/10/2023 11:10

You said, 'The favourites discussion came up.' It should never come up. Why didn't you and DP shut it down with 'We love all of you and we're really lucky to have you all.'

Scotland32 · 01/10/2023 17:53

Horrid man.

OhcantthInkofaname · 01/10/2023 18:01

Don't ever make this official. Dump him as fast as you can.