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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging angry over this

266 replies

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:14

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum

I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official.

We have a baby together.

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third.

Dsd wasnt here.

Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

OP posts:
BygoneDays · 30/09/2023 08:17

TeenLifeMum · 28/09/2023 21:31

My dc used to ask which was my favourite and I used to joke it changes but usually the one not whining. They would sometimes make me coffee in bed and announce they were my favourite for the day but it was always jokey and backed up with a “I love you all and everything that makes each of you you.”

I used to ask my two boys, ‘who wants to be my favourite son today’ and then get them to do some trivial task like make tea. But it was always done with a smile and as a joke. 😀

RainyDuvetDay · 30/09/2023 08:20

That's so insensitive of him to say, I feel really sad for your daughter, why wouldn't he have just said he doesn't have a favourite?

I still remember a conversation I had with my mum after my brother was born, I was 6 and I asked her who she loved more and she said she loved my brother a little more because he's a boy and she'd always wanted a boy. These things stick with you.

diddl · 30/09/2023 08:20

I think that saying the baby was his favourite might have been OK if followed by a funny reason why.

But to then explain further that she's third is terrible.

Gypsum5 · 30/09/2023 08:22

If you don’t wanna know the answer ….

Although people say they love their step kids as if they were their own they don’t. Anyone who says otherwise is lying.

notanothernana · 30/09/2023 08:42

RainyDuvetDay · 30/09/2023 08:20

That's so insensitive of him to say, I feel really sad for your daughter, why wouldn't he have just said he doesn't have a favourite?

I still remember a conversation I had with my mum after my brother was born, I was 6 and I asked her who she loved more and she said she loved my brother a little more because he's a boy and she'd always wanted a boy. These things stick with you.

That's awful.

tescocreditcard · 30/09/2023 08:43

YABU thats not a conversation EVER to have. Some things you just keep to yourself.

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 30/09/2023 08:47

His words were shitty and he fucked up so he needs to apologise and try and fix that.

How are his actions though? Does he treat them all equally? Is he affectionate and caring towards her? Does he make her feel second(or third) best? Does he ever put her first? Shows her he loves her and that she matters?

Batalax · 30/09/2023 08:54

Our kids always say that because they all know they’ll all be told they are. It’s a bit of a family joke. Whoever asks is the favourite so in effect there are no favourites.
Massively cruel of dh. Does he actually realise how he’s fucked up now? If he really doesn’t get it, then that is very worrying.

I think you need a bit of a sensitive, serious conversation with her about how you love dsd but dd herself has been in your life for longer and therefore you and her have a really special bond just like step dad has with his daughter, and that’s why step dad said what he did. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love her though.

peachgreen · 30/09/2023 08:55

Thing is, if it was a dad ranking his biological children it could be brushed off as a joke. But this was him actively telling his stepdaughter that he doesn’t love her as much as his biological child. That’s utterly grim. He should be making every effort to make sure his stepdaughter feels the opposite.

Honestly this is why I’m almost certain I won’t have kids with DP, because I don’t ever want DD to feel second best. I’d love another child, but the thought of something like this happening puts me off. And that’s with DP who I know would never say anything so fucking thoughtlessly cruel. I’m so angry on your DD’s behalf.

happinessischocolate · 30/09/2023 08:58

My ex and the father of my 2 dc has always made jokes about who's current favourite and the kids find it funny.

The best thing your DH could do now is leave it and then when the baby is crying or playing up one day say to your dc I've changed my mind, you're my favourite today. It obviously has to be said with good humour which I do wonder if your DH is capable of

A serious apology would just make it worse, and would reinforce the fact it was said seriously.

Finding a way to joke out of it would be better.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 30/09/2023 09:08

The answer to this question is always “the dog” the dog is always the favourite.

Tandora · 30/09/2023 09:14

Confused by all the responses on this thread. There are usually multiple threads a week on here about how you can’t possibly love your step children the same as biological kids and it would be “unfair” and “cruel” to everyone involved to pretend otherwise. Where are the “his SDC needs to accept her reality” brigade. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 09:24

septemberoctobernovember · 28/09/2023 21:49

My kids always joke about who is the favourite. Note: joke!!

i usually say it’s the one who hasn’t left their shoes in the hall to be tripped over or the one who hasn’t left wet towels on the carpet. Sometimes it’s the one who offered me tea. And I always have a favourite (only) daughter, a favourite eldest son and a favourite youngest son but I make it very clear that my favourite child is the dog and they’re all quite happy with that.

Edited

Yes, I have a favorite son and a favorite daughter. Both have said things like, "But I am your only daughter (only son)." To which I reply, "Then you should be really happy that I do call you my favorite son/daughter because I could say I don't have a favorite son/daughter which would make you b!tch at me for that!" They will even sign things now as "Your favorite DD/DS".

I just thought of something....why do they never call me their favorite Mom?

BRB..."Hey you kids! I have a bone to pick with you!"
Hhhmmm...maybe I don't want an answer to that question. NM.

VeronicasCloset · 30/09/2023 09:31

Tandora · 30/09/2023 09:14

Confused by all the responses on this thread. There are usually multiple threads a week on here about how you can’t possibly love your step children the same as biological kids and it would be “unfair” and “cruel” to everyone involved to pretend otherwise. Where are the “his SDC needs to accept her reality” brigade. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Because those threads are talking about how adults might need to accept a situation. They aren’t advocating inflicting emotional harm on a child.

Well done on being so alternative

Nottheusualsuspect84 · 30/09/2023 09:32

My df once said to a lady in passing I have 7 DC and I said no you don't you have 8 he replied well you don't live with me so you don't count 25 years later and I still remember feeling so angry and upset I was 14 and only spent weekends and holidays with my 4 step siblings 2 half siblings and dB who chose to live with them.

StopFuckingTouchingMe · 30/09/2023 09:33

Are you angry that he said it out loud or are you angry that it's true?

hot2trotter · 30/09/2023 09:41

So what has been said about it between you and him since then?

Appleofmyeye2023 · 30/09/2023 09:42

I think you are also missing the point that he has, in that statement, also deprioritised his own daughter (the dsd) down the ranks below the baby . Whilst it’s brutal and cruel to your daughter, his dsd, it is also massively brutal to his own DD.

Imhe, This man is like so many men. They have a pecking order of who they love and will support and will verbalise that with statements like “I have to prioritise my own family now” from day they get married. It’s lime they think they have a finite bucket of love, and if they give some of it to someone in spades, they have to remove it from someone else who previously they gave it to. Ok, not all men, and I guess some women do it too. BUT, imhe, women are socially conditioned to keep expanding their bucket of love as every new person needing her care, attention and devotion comes along …I personally have never heard a female friend, colleague or relative say “I have to prioritise ….” Wrt love in all my 60 years. Yet countless blokes have stated this shit, including a senior manager notably mansplaining to an all employee town hall that he’d improved his work life balance by prioritising his “own family” over that of his elderly mother who was asking for him to visit her. Seriously appalling that he believed this to be such an acceptable and brilliant idea he was passing on his wisdom of how to be so callous and unloving.
🤷🏼‍♀️😢

Tandora · 30/09/2023 09:42

VeronicasCloset · 30/09/2023 09:31

Because those threads are talking about how adults might need to accept a situation. They aren’t advocating inflicting emotional harm on a child.

Well done on being so alternative

Show quote history

Because those threads are talking about how adults might need to accept a situation no they aren’t though. People repeatedly say that the kids need to learn to accept the situation. I don’t agree with it personally at all but it’s the usual response so I’m confused by this thread.

PoliticallyIncorrectHitchling · 30/09/2023 09:44

So when are you leaving hm?

Livingtothefull · 30/09/2023 09:45

I remember reading a letter that my DF had written to send to my sister who was away. He called her 'my favourite daughter' in the letter. I have only the one sister.

I told my DM I was upset about it and she said he didn't mean it, it was just a figure of speech. But I think he did mean it. And I have never forgotten it or how it made me feel, the trivialising by my DM just made things worse.

This will stay with your DD for good. And the timing makes it so much worse - I thought everyone understood that in the best of circumstances it can be hard for a sibling to adjust to a new baby and it is important to be sensitive to this. It is hard to understand what your DP was thinking in saying such a thing, it just seems gratuitously cruel.

DorisDill · 30/09/2023 09:48

Your DP started this conversation by saying that the baby is his “favourite”.

It came from him, in front of your DD, and he continued it.

How does he usually behave towards your DD and others?

Does he make “jokes” a lot generally?

Mombie · 30/09/2023 09:54

When the kids ask who my favourite is, as a joke, i say something silly like: the cat, the neighbour, your dad. The key is that this is a conversation in jest between a loving parent and child. Everybody leaves happy.

Your DH doesn’t seem particularly loving towards your DD so you need to protect her feelings and let him know that these sorts of conversations are not for him until and unless he considers her feelings. For what it is worth I grew up in a blended family and it was abundantly clear that my stepdad’s favourites were his own children as the family budget didn’t apply to them and he held the purse strings. If this is the case in your family, then you need to protect your daughter and make sure that she is treated equally.

Nanaof1 · 30/09/2023 09:55

Tandora · 30/09/2023 09:14

Confused by all the responses on this thread. There are usually multiple threads a week on here about how you can’t possibly love your step children the same as biological kids and it would be “unfair” and “cruel” to everyone involved to pretend otherwise. Where are the “his SDC needs to accept her reality” brigade. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well, they may feel that way and it would not unusual, but I am betting only the lowest of the low would beat their SC over the head with that fact. I doubt any of them would say, in front of their step-child, "I love my DD more than anyone else in the whole wide world. Oh, hey kid. Yeah, love you too, somewhat."

FUPAgirl · 30/09/2023 09:57

I am really confused by you op. Why do you say this is the favourite conversation? Have you spoken to him about it? You need to really show your DD how much she means to you here, that may well mean getting rid of him. Such a shame you chose to have another baby with poor dd feeling so insecure.