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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be raging angry over this

266 replies

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:14

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum

I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official.

We have a baby together.

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third.

Dsd wasnt here.

Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

OP posts:
ginandlemonade23 · 30/09/2023 04:48

What an absolute idiot. Your poor daughter won't forget this. Have you spoken to the cretin about it?

pompomdaisy · 30/09/2023 04:52

You're all a bit idiotic for letting the conversation start up. Those types of conversations lead to nowhere good.

Whyaresomepeopledickheads · 30/09/2023 05:52

peachgreen · 30/09/2023 00:29

Well, that would be the end of my relationship.

Mine too.

Peachee · 30/09/2023 06:40

I have no words tbh.. the immaturity of the conversation.

SpringleDingle · 30/09/2023 07:01

I tell my DD she’s my favourite child very often… but she’s my only child 😂. Sometimes I tell her the dog is beating her to top spot that day (but she knows I’m joking). Your DP did a shitty thing and he should sit her down and tell her he is sorry, he was joking and that he really loves her.

Cockapoo1211 · 30/09/2023 07:05

Can you LTB? I would .

EasternStandard · 30/09/2023 07:15

HoppingPavlova · 30/09/2023 00:28

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third

what sort of household is this? If a child ever does this then one or both rationale/responsible adults just shuts it down immediately. No one gives an answer. What a horror show.

Yep poor girl

Letitgonowgr · 30/09/2023 07:18

It sounds like he was joking but this is a very sensitive topic. He needs to make it up to her on his own and explain it was just a joke and no one has favourites etc.

Passepartoute · 30/09/2023 07:18

I tell mine they're my favourite 8 year old/9 year old or whatever.

Have you asked your partner WTF he was thinking?

willWillSmithsmith · 30/09/2023 07:27

There should be no such thing as a ‘favourite’ discussion. You should have shut that down from the off.

Mothership4two · 30/09/2023 07:27

I think it depends if he makes "jokey" comments like this often OP and if he is loving at other times. Personally, seeing as she looked crestfallen, I would have said at the time something along the lines of "oh Dad's just being silly, it is not possible for parents to have favourites and we both love you more than we love ourselves" or something like that.

We've made similar comments to our 2 DS and I am sure I have said that the cat is my favourite son at least once, they join in, but they know that it's a joke and how much they are actually loved. DF sometimes says to me "oh it's my favourite daughter" as I am an only child - ha ha.

I assume you brought it up with DP that DD looked hurt afterwards and, maybe, asked him to reiterate that it was a joke and that she is loved? What did he say?

Bubop · 30/09/2023 07:28

What a horrible man. Your poor daughter! The only answer to the favourite question is that you don’t have one.

It’s anlso awful that he freely admits to preferring his new baby over his older daughter. I really hope your stepdaughter doesn’t hear about this/pick up on his feelings.

Scaredycatttt · 30/09/2023 07:34

He needs to apologise to her

willWillSmithsmith · 30/09/2023 07:34

mernao · 30/09/2023 01:49

My DH isn't DC1's dad and tbh I don't think any of us would ever expect DH to love DC1in the same way as DC2 and DC3 (both DH's DCs). He's a great step dad to DC1 and has never left him out or given him less financially, but it just wouldn't make sense for him to have the same feelings for DC1 as for his own biological DC. DC1 was already 14 when I married DH so he was mature enough to understand that. But OP's DC is 10 so sounds like the DH hasn't been in her life since she was tiny.

You don’t vocalise it though. An adult should keep those thoughts in their head and not tell a child.

newlystyle · 30/09/2023 07:40

Why do people inflict said bellends on their children? Are they so desperate for a shag/a "partner" that they put that ahead of their existing children's needs? Clearly so.

Agree. And go have a baby with every man they date. The op creates a situation where 2 kids have one dad and one doesn't have an involvement. What did she think was going to happen to her current dc feelings. Utterly selfish as usual.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 30/09/2023 07:41

Your poor dd. He doesn’t deserve the name stepfather. He’s probably caused her to feel an animosity towards her half sister and “stepsister” that wasn’t there before.
She’ll never forget those words. He can apologise until the cows come home but she’ll never forget.
I never did. It wasn’t the ‘Favourite’ conversation.
“Your dad told me to get rid of it when I told him I was pregnant with you “ said by my mother to me.
I was sixteen. My dad loved me and I loved him, I left the room and he followed me with tears in his eyes, He said he did say that but he’d regretted saying them as soon as the words left his mouth. I believed him but I’ve never forgotten those words.
Your partner has some making up to do.

Sigmama · 30/09/2023 07:44

So you cross at your mum or your dad?

UsernameNotAvailableArghh · 30/09/2023 07:49

Which one of the 4 children is your favourite?

UniversalAunt · 30/09/2023 07:52

‘Dp is acting as stepdad until official.’

Some people might consider holding off on that event until the relationship between your DD & dp is stronger & more supportive, particularly during her teen years.

This ‘glancing’ blow may be shrugged off now but it is a pebble in a pond & your dp needs to embed some core principles of parenting.

Please consider this small moment as an early red flag .
You are your DD’s advocate until she can stand on her own two feet.
You have brought him into her life & it is your job to make sure that he is fit to have a ‘paternal’ role in her life.

neverbeenskiing · 30/09/2023 07:53

All the people saying "but you can't possibly expect him to love someone else's child as much as his own" seem to have missed that this twat also verbalised that he loves the baby more than his own DD from a previous relationship. So not only has OP's DP shown a callous disregard for the feelings for her DD, he has openly admitted that now he has a 'new' family his own DD has dropped down the pecking order and he loves the baby more. Ok, his older DD wasn't there when he said it, but anyone with half a brain would realise it's likely to get back to her, and I wouldn't blame OP's DD at all for telling her the first chance she gets frankly! Although even if she doesn't, I'm sure his older DD will know how he really feels.

Thepossibility · 30/09/2023 07:57

What a mean cunt.
I wonder what he says to her when you're not there.

ChaToilLeam · 30/09/2023 07:59

Is he a twit, a nasty git or both?

Either way she won’t forget it. Your poor DD.

CuriouslyMinded · 30/09/2023 07:59

He needs to apologise and reassure her that he was just being silly. She will never forget that comment or the way it made her feel, but if he shows up for her with love and support in the aftermath it will go some way towards helping her heal.

HikingforScenery · 30/09/2023 08:03

Janieforever · 28/09/2023 21:40

God who has that conversation. Who does that? What’s wrong with you all?

i’m in this camp, i’m afraid.
Who discusses this topic irl?
DD shouldn’t have asked, you should’ve shut it down immediately she asked the question and your DH certainly shouldn’t have answered. He was probably in a very relaxed state and not thinking.
That’s the order of favourites i’d expect from him but he should’nt have voiced it, especially not to your DD.

You two can only now decide how best to do damage control. I wonder if the ‘i chose angle’ would work with your DD. It is a different kind of love

SouthernFashionista · 30/09/2023 08:11

Honestly, this stands out as yet another case of a mum jumping into a relationship with a man without a thought for their own children. And then adding another kid to the mix. What a setup. It does not bode well OP.