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Original poster

To be raging angry over this

266 replies

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:14

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum

I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official.

We have a baby together.

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third.

Dsd wasnt here.

Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

OP posts:
Efficaciou5 · 29/09/2023 23:41

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:14

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum

I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official.

We have a baby together.

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third.

Dsd wasnt here.

Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

Your 10 year old darling daughter's facial expression of heartbreak was a reaction to her mother's failure to protect her.

Period.

You have a duty of care and responsibility to care for her and make her feel loved and wanted. You are responsible for the home environment you create for her. Your choice of partner is an arbitrary factor.

Your failure. Nobody else is to blame.

VeronicasCloset · 29/09/2023 23:46

OP won’t come back. She’ll bend over backwards to justify staying with him

AfraidToRun · 29/09/2023 23:49

You need to let her know that you don't think it's trivial else you will be adding to her hurt.

GrazingSheep · 30/09/2023 00:08

It’s too late now.
Your 10 year old knows exactly where she fits in with the man you brought into her life.

SoShallINever · 30/09/2023 00:09

GrazingSheep · 30/09/2023 00:08

It’s too late now.
Your 10 year old knows exactly where she fits in with the man you brought into her life.

Exactly.

HoppingPavlova · 30/09/2023 00:28

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third

what sort of household is this? If a child ever does this then one or both rationale/responsible adults just shuts it down immediately. No one gives an answer. What a horror show.

peachgreen · 30/09/2023 00:29

Well, that would be the end of my relationship.

CJsGoldfish · 30/09/2023 00:43

Well, you're the one that chose him as the father of your baby and stepfather of your dd. I doubt this fuckwittery is new 🤷‍♀️
NOONE would treat my child that way.

ladypenelopesfan · 30/09/2023 01:08

IMO your DP needs to take a walk.

That's just crass insensitivity that's unlikely to get any better.

You need to rethink your relationship with your DP OP.

Mumstheword93 · 30/09/2023 01:11

I understand you where quite clearly shocked at the time and likely didn't know how to respond, your response is everything she needed in that moment to have her back.

Agreeing it was a "joke" is so invalidating to her heartbreak and her feelings, you need to have a chat with her and reassure her their are no favourites you are all loved the same,
He also needs to apologise to her and learn not to make stupid thoughtless comments.

This will probably play on her mind until you address it. Knowing she was hurt by the comment it's your responsibility to make sure she's okay.

Your a good mum, if he pulls that crap again stamp it out their and then Infrount of her.

CarrotsAndCheese · 30/09/2023 01:16

He's a dick! But I do feel that your playing it off as a joke, while I'm sure it was well-intentioned, will have just invalidated your DD's feelings. I think she needed to see you stand up for her. So sad.

IncompleteSenten · 30/09/2023 01:42

Be very aware he might not be joking.
Often such things played off as jokes are the person's actual feelings.

stitchinguru · 30/09/2023 01:47

Well…. I bet he felt really important for a minute!
Show him how unimportant he is by showing him the door. Your daughter needs to be shown explicitly that no man has the right to belittle a woman in this way.
Been on this site for many years and this is my first LTB!!

mernao · 30/09/2023 01:49

My DH isn't DC1's dad and tbh I don't think any of us would ever expect DH to love DC1in the same way as DC2 and DC3 (both DH's DCs). He's a great step dad to DC1 and has never left him out or given him less financially, but it just wouldn't make sense for him to have the same feelings for DC1 as for his own biological DC. DC1 was already 14 when I married DH so he was mature enough to understand that. But OP's DC is 10 so sounds like the DH hasn't been in her life since she was tiny.

CosmicSoup · 30/09/2023 02:00

Sounds like your DP was demonstrating some emotional immaturity here.

Whether he was "banter masking" a lack of love and care for your daughter I don't know, I haven't observed the dynamic between them, but you have - I would trust your gut feeling here!

Chances are he's probably just a bit emotionally immature and lacks enough self awareness to realize both how he is coming across and of how a child's mind is underdeveloped and might not understand or appreciate male banter.

Even if she knows he is joking it might still plant a seed of doubt in her mind and erode her sense of self worth and her trust in him.

A lot of men just lack awareness of self and other, unfortunately :/

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/09/2023 02:26

@mernao and your DH would also be a detestable moron if he informed his DSS that he was his least favourite child in the family. It’s not about what he feels, it’s about how you treat others.

SummerDawn2000 · 30/09/2023 02:29

I’m so sorry OP I’d of decked him. And I’m sorry for DD. This is all on him. He’s an adult!!

he should of said ‘I love all three of you the same, (then list things he loves about Dd) and you three are the reason I get up in the morning’. Op this isn’t your fault but he needs to apologise. Thought thoughtless thing to say. Joke or not.

user1492757084 · 30/09/2023 03:07

If your partner is a joker he could have meant it as a joke and hopefully daughter will understand.
You can't change the fact that it happened.

I can never remember ever having that conversation with my kids and if I did I would always have said that I have no favourites. All the kids feel equally loved when parents say that - no one looses out.
You need to have that discussion (for future impromptu questions) with your partner - who, I'm sure, is upset.

TammyJones · 30/09/2023 03:11

If op ever comes back ....I'd just like to add , if we'd had this conversation...and dh had been 'stupid' enough to answer truthfully...
He would have said that step dd was his favourite...above his own kids , and above the baby 🤣🤣
But luckily the 3 boys know none of this - I hope.
But dd was only 3 when I met dh.
She can't remember him not been here
She is the only girl as well, but she totally Awesome and a real firecracker- and everyone loves her.
BUT we always trot out 'we love you all the same'
And to be fair we do....they are all petty awesome.

PastelLilac · 30/09/2023 03:20

I guess most step parents (I'm not one) prefer their bio children to their step children, but there was no need to phrase it like that to your dd (his step daughter). How long has he been in her life?

frivlot · 30/09/2023 03:24

All he had to say was he loves all 3 equally. He doesn’t actually have to feel that way.

But if this got back to his biological daughter wouldn't this upset her? The convo should never have happened.

frivlot · 30/09/2023 03:26

Most step parents don't love step children in the same way as they love their own child and that's ok.

Exactly, does the OP love the step d more than her own?

Mamai90 · 30/09/2023 03:55

I couldn't move past that. It was intentionally cruel. I think that would be the end for me.

saffy2 · 30/09/2023 04:27

I’m so upset for your dd. This would vastly change my feelings towards my partner if he did this to my son. We are similar not but the same, 14yo ds, 4 yo shared dd and baby on the way. Ds is my partners sds and he sees his dad every other weekend. I would be quite disgusted if my partner partook in this kind of conversation and openly said ds was in third position. I would seriously think about ending things because I would hate this. I have no advice but I feel absolutely awful for your daughter.

saffy2 · 30/09/2023 04:31

FYI the favourite discussion is absolutely something that happens between my siblings, we all joke all the time amongst ourselves about who is the favourite. My mum actively for our entire lives has refused to engage basically, she laughs it off and denies anything and has never once said x is the favourite. I think sometimes due to dynamics of family this is a discussion that children or siblings have, I don’t recall having it when we were young. And my son has never had it but he’s only had a sibling since he was 9. But I don’t think the op deserves a bashing.