Page 11 | To be raging angry over this

zelper · 2023-09-28T20:14:16+00:00

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official. We have a baby together. The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third. Dsd wasnt here. Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake. I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 01/10/2023 21:50

Aww, what a shame that conversation happened!! Dp needs to ensure Dd feels loved and he needs to let her know how special she is. Does he realise how deep that was? Dont despair, It CAN be remedied with a lot of attention and kind words to her ( from Dp) x

Jacesmum1977 · 01/10/2023 21:56

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 28/09/2023 21:53

Was it not just a badly judged and ill-thought through joke? As long as he apologises and doesn't have a history of treating her differently then I would drop it. Can't believe all the posters calling him evil and saying you should leave him. Has nobody else ever said something daft in the moment?

Really I wouldn't be surprised if his own kids are his favourites, just like I suspect most stepparents prefer their own biological children. The OP probably favours her own children over her step kid. He's just a fucking idiot for saying it.

Absolutely agree

Elfblossom · 02/10/2023 00:04

For all the people calling Dad a shit etc etc ... whilst I agree, it absolutely was not what the child should be hearing - he was asked a question and he answered honestly. Bluntly, yes but he was being truthful.

This is a very, very tricky situation and you shouldn't laugh it off, sit down and have an honest conversation with her.

Say 'I bet that hurt your feelings a lot, it doesn't mean that Dad doesn't liove you or care about you insert examples but, sometimes we love our own biological children just a teeny bit more, I love Step child don't I, but I love you and baby just a bit more.

Try and chat with your partner too, without giving him an earful, explain to him that although it was honest? He needs to consider if it was hurtful to child and give him ideas of what to say instead in this kind of topic/situation.

I'm wondering if Dad is ND? Is he always brutally honest?

Pandajane · 02/10/2023 00:44

You are not innocent in this matter - you allowed this to happen and then didn't address it immediately. If you feel for DD the way you say you do, it's time to have a serious discussion with your DP and make it right. This is your child and your responsibility - don't try to pretend you 'had to play it off as a joke' and cry 'it all happened so quickly'. Seriously, if you were looking for sympathy for your inaction, just don't - you have negated your DD's sense of self worth and confirmed that it's a joke for her feelings to be hurt. I feel so sorry for that lonely 10yr old whose Mum doesn't even stand up for her - disgraceful imo.

user1476277375 · 02/10/2023 05:57

It is not a thing amongst adults (you hope!). But children bring this conversation up all the time. Very normal. It just needs to be immediately shut down by the adults!

user1476277375 · 02/10/2023 05:59

Janieforever · 28/09/2023 21:41

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third

That’s not a discussion. It’s not a thing. You wrote it like it was.

It is not a thing amongst adults (you hope!). But children bring this conversation up all the time. Very normal. It just needs to be immediately shut down by the adults

Magenta82 · 02/10/2023 07:03

What did he say when you spoke to him about it in private?
Has he attempted to make your DD feel better?

whiteroseredrose · 02/10/2023 07:10

JustAMinutePleass · 28/09/2023 22:19

You should have said don’t worry you and baby are MY favourites. If DP is going to play favs you should too.

This.

shamelesschocaholic · 02/10/2023 08:09

This is a standing joke in my house, I have three and they will always say … because I’m the favourite. I just laugh and tell them I dislike them all equally. I don’t understand how people can have a favourite child as they are all so different.

OP I would have a chat with him and explain how that joke fell flat. Maybe he could have a quiet word with your daughter and reassure her how special she is and that there are no favourites.

Elfblossom · 02/10/2023 09:20

shamelesschocaholic · 02/10/2023 08:09

This is a standing joke in my house, I have three and they will always say … because I’m the favourite. I just laugh and tell them I dislike them all equally. I don’t understand how people can have a favourite child as they are all so different.

OP I would have a chat with him and explain how that joke fell flat. Maybe he could have a quiet word with your daughter and reassure her how special she is and that there are no favourites.

I use that one now mine are all adults but I've also always told all of them that they're my 'favourite' as children ... then one day, I got caught out 😆 'you tell us all the same thing!' - yes I explained 'you're my favourite first born, you're definitely my favourite middle child and you're my favourite youngest, my favourite insert name ... I love you all equally but differently because you're different people.

eastegg · 02/10/2023 09:49

Pumpkinspicelattetime · 28/09/2023 21:53

Was it not just a badly judged and ill-thought through joke? As long as he apologises and doesn't have a history of treating her differently then I would drop it. Can't believe all the posters calling him evil and saying you should leave him. Has nobody else ever said something daft in the moment?

Really I wouldn't be surprised if his own kids are his favourites, just like I suspect most stepparents prefer their own biological children. The OP probably favours her own children over her step kid. He's just a fucking idiot for saying it.

The problem with the ‘joke’ approach is that in these particular circumstances it’s got truth written all over it, and the dd is old enough to see that. It can never be successfully passed off as a joke, ever. It’s more than just crass imo.

Tandora · 02/10/2023 16:30

Elfblossom · 02/10/2023 00:04

For all the people calling Dad a shit etc etc ... whilst I agree, it absolutely was not what the child should be hearing - he was asked a question and he answered honestly. Bluntly, yes but he was being truthful.

This is a very, very tricky situation and you shouldn't laugh it off, sit down and have an honest conversation with her.

Say 'I bet that hurt your feelings a lot, it doesn't mean that Dad doesn't liove you or care about you insert examples but, sometimes we love our own biological children just a teeny bit more, I love Step child don't I, but I love you and baby just a bit more.

Try and chat with your partner too, without giving him an earful, explain to him that although it was honest? He needs to consider if it was hurtful to child and give him ideas of what to say instead in this kind of topic/situation.

I'm wondering if Dad is ND? Is he always brutally honest?

How bloody awful. This child doesn’t have another dad. Imagine telling someone they should
say this to their adopted child. Just because a child is a “step” doesn’t make them less in need of love.

Bananawotsit · 02/10/2023 18:01

septemberoctobernovember · 28/09/2023 21:49

My kids always joke about who is the favourite. Note: joke!!

i usually say it’s the one who hasn’t left their shoes in the hall to be tripped over or the one who hasn’t left wet towels on the carpet. Sometimes it’s the one who offered me tea. And I always have a favourite (only) daughter, a favourite eldest son and a favourite youngest son but I make it very clear that my favourite child is the dog and they’re all quite happy with that.

Edited

😂😂

Ha! Yes my daughter always asks me and it drives me mad but it goes along with other ridiculous questions where I can “choose only one”. I always say her brother is my favourite because he would never ask me such a ridiculous question.

She knows she is incredibly loved so it’s water off a duck’s back!!!

Madamum18 · 02/10/2023 19:10

suzysnowball · 01/10/2023 20:16

How can you call something like this a favourite conversation? Dp is cold hearted and you're deluded in thinking this is normal for a favourite conversation. I really feel for your dd she'll not forget this

I think she meant it was ABOUT favourite not a "favourite conversation to have!!"

Elfblossom · 03/10/2023 09:25

Tandora · 02/10/2023 16:30

How bloody awful. This child doesn’t have another dad. Imagine telling someone they should
say this to their adopted child. Just because a child is a “step” doesn’t make them less in need of love.

Show quote history

Sadly, that happens to a lot of adopted children. Either in words or deeds.

In this case specifically - it happened, it can be unsaid or unheard so what do you propose to remedy it then?

Tandora · 03/10/2023 15:01

Elfblossom · 03/10/2023 09:25

Sadly, that happens to a lot of adopted children. Either in words or deeds.

In this case specifically - it happened, it can be unsaid or unheard so what do you propose to remedy it then?

Show quote history

Well I definitely wouldn’t recommend having a conversation with her to repeat/ reinforce the same point!

Imv the best that can be done is to
Acknowledge how that might have made her feel, emphasise how much her dad does love her , and that he just had a brain fart moment (as we all do from time to time) and she shouldn’t look too deeply into it.