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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging angry over this

266 replies

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:14

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum

I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official.

We have a baby together.

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third.

Dsd wasnt here.

Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 01/10/2023 18:18

Does he understand what damage this will
have caused your little one, and that it’s permanent?

Diddlyumptious · 01/10/2023 18:28

Oh god what a mess you DP has created. A huge fence to mend and if he doesn't the family dynamics will be broken forever. Poor child.

MerryMarigold · 01/10/2023 18:56

Mum198000 · 28/09/2023 21:22

Who talks about favourite children? Not a conversation anyone should ever have!

This. Totally inappropriate. You should have nipped that in the bud before it went anywhere.

LunaandLily · 01/10/2023 18:59

In defence of OP, I am currently pg and my (so far) only-child teenage DD has brought up favourites! Obviously concerned about being usurped. I highly doubt OP brought it up!

pomers · 01/10/2023 19:02

He has shown you who he is. Why are you still there. Ask him to leave immediately. He is a nasty, abusive bully who intentionally hurt a child. Protect your daughter

Madamum18 · 01/10/2023 19:04

Youir DP clearly needs it explained to him why the favourites conversation just should NOT happen! Kids might bring it up but adults dont engage in it.

As in eg ...."I don't have favourites. I love you because you .....are kind/funny/generous bla bla bla and you are part of our family! I love (SD) because he/she is .... and .... and ... and he/she is part of our family! I love (baby) because they are cute, I like watching them developing new skills and he/she is part of our family!

He needs to get the picture ...and fast! "
.

toxic44 · 01/10/2023 19:05

That a wicked, destructive thing to say and it can't be unsaid or unheard. I've been there and believe me, it never leaves you. Poor child.

ThomasinaLivesHere · 01/10/2023 19:07

What an idiot! Some people can say stupid things without meaning to be malicious. I just don’t know why you wouldn’t think that it’d be very hard to carry that off as a joke so obviously it’s going to come across as the truth especially given the other two children are blood relations.

AllyArty · 01/10/2023 19:16

He has got a lot of making up to do with your poor child. What a thoughtless man 🤬

BackFromABreak · 01/10/2023 19:34

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/09/2023 22:45

Yes I can see the difference. However the OPs DP doesn't have a crystal ball, he didn't know his joke was going to go down like a lead balloon, did he?

Show quote history

You have the emotional intelligence of a potato.

IAteTheLastOne · 01/10/2023 19:34

Mum198000 · 28/09/2023 21:22

Who talks about favourite children? Not a conversation anyone should ever have!

This! What a stupid conversation to be just ‘having’.

ToffeeMamma · 01/10/2023 19:39

I wouldn't even say this to my nephews or nieces over my son. In fact when this question is asked by any of them I always answer "You are my favourite 10 year old son" and "you are my favourite 5 year old blonde haired niece" and "my favourite 6 year old nephew" etc. I prefer to make them all feel like they are special in some way. Whether he was joking or not it's not a subject any child should be taking jokes about. It's not a joke. It can ruin thier confidence, especially when the.said child is a step child or similar. They are already different enough without feeling unloved.

Saruma · 01/10/2023 19:41

How very sad that your DP has spoken to your DD in such a cruel way. The problem is that it can never be unsaid and the comment will stay with your DD for ever. I’m heartbroken for her.

Backtoblack1 · 01/10/2023 20:03

I’d Be furious! Does he always speak without thinking? Your DD won’t forget that.

suzysnowball · 01/10/2023 20:16

How can you call something like this a favourite conversation? Dp is cold hearted and you're deluded in thinking this is normal for a favourite conversation. I really feel for your dd she'll not forget this

Cetim · 01/10/2023 20:20

That was very immature of him to say that and insensitive. I think you handled it well in the moment but it does need following up. Have a chat with him and then agree on how he will rectify it with dd.

EthelMcUnready · 01/10/2023 20:26

Me too! Or I say the cat is my favourite....

Puddlewoman · 01/10/2023 20:31

I'm sure it's been said but I'll jump in anyway. This wasn't a joke, it wasn't meant to be a joke when he said it. He wanted someone to feel small so he could feel powerful. He is testing the waters to see how much he can get away with and if you didn't push back against this then next time it will be a bit meaner. He is trying to put a hierarchy in place with your dd on the bottom.

Honestly I know it's easy for me to say I would leave if it were me, but I wouldn't feel happy with him around dd in future

BalletBob · 01/10/2023 20:34

Just another totally avoidable situation where people want to "blend" families without actually thinking about how it impacts the kids. It almost never works out without someone (one of the children) being hurt.

Why is your daughter desperate for this man to be her dad? Because that's why she's begging him to tell her that he views her as equal to his own children. Why has she been allowed or encouraged to believe that this is the reality of the relationship she has with him? Because the two of you (or just you?) wanted to play make believe and pretend it was true. And yet again it's a child whose wellbeing is on the line.

If you're going to take the enormous step of moving a man into your child's home and starting a new family with him, these conversations should not be a surprise. It's surely incredibly predictable that your DD would feel uncertain and need reassurance with a new half sibling arriving. Did the two of you not talk about how she might feel and how she may view her place in the family? Or how your partner might feel about her with a new baby on the scene? Or how you and he could proactively address the changes to the family in a way that offers her security and reassurance? It's hard to imagine that all this emotional work could have been put in, for him to then make such a catastrophic balls up of this. People too often don't prioritise their existing children while they're busy playing happy families and this is the result. Poor bloody kids.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 01/10/2023 20:53

Puddlewoman · 01/10/2023 20:31

I'm sure it's been said but I'll jump in anyway. This wasn't a joke, it wasn't meant to be a joke when he said it. He wanted someone to feel small so he could feel powerful. He is testing the waters to see how much he can get away with and if you didn't push back against this then next time it will be a bit meaner. He is trying to put a hierarchy in place with your dd on the bottom.

Honestly I know it's easy for me to say I would leave if it were me, but I wouldn't feel happy with him around dd in future

I agree. Honestly, I think we give people the benefit of the doubt way too often. It’s not tactless ineptitude, it’s deliberately belittling.

They know exactly what they are doing.

I’ll bet he doesn’t make gaffs like this in the workplace, where it might actually impact him. Or when speaking to someone who he regards as an equal. I’m sure he’s much more careful with his words in those situations.

5128gap · 01/10/2023 20:54

suzysnowball · 01/10/2023 20:16

How can you call something like this a favourite conversation? Dp is cold hearted and you're deluded in thinking this is normal for a favourite conversation. I really feel for your dd she'll not forget this

She doesn't mean 'favourite conversation' as in who is most loved is their favourite thing to talk about in their house! She meant a discussion about favourites came up. Presumably DD asked step father whether she or the baby was his favourite and he responded as OP described.

Missingpop · 01/10/2023 20:58

So why the fuck didn’t you give the gormless twat a fucking earful there & then the poor child already has no biological father to care for her; now this twat says such horrid things in-front of her ffs grow a spine

Samlewis96 · 01/10/2023 21:11

TeenLifeMum · 28/09/2023 21:31

My dc used to ask which was my favourite and I used to joke it changes but usually the one not whining. They would sometimes make me coffee in bed and announce they were my favourite for the day but it was always jokey and backed up with a “I love you all and everything that makes each of you you.”

L similar to me My favourite was the one who hadn't given me any hassle to day of asking

Motherbear44 · 01/10/2023 21:22

TeenLifeMum · 28/09/2023 21:31

My dc used to ask which was my favourite and I used to joke it changes but usually the one not whining. They would sometimes make me coffee in bed and announce they were my favourite for the day but it was always jokey and backed up with a “I love you all and everything that makes each of you you.”

As a child I got compared to my sister. I felt I came out less favorably. So first hand I know that it hurts. I bet that my mother would be shocked tbh, but as a result Iworked so hard to treat my two daughters the same. It was inevitable I suppose that one got labeled ‘the favoured one’ but i know this was a bit of sibling teasing and came from a place where both were confident about their place in life. I think that the OP’s partner has some work to do now though. He has hurt his daughter. Surely it was meant as a joke, but actually it is not funny. Words hurt. He needs to tell her that he was stupid and put a lot of effort into proving this.

CharlieBoo · 01/10/2023 21:42

I would never ever ever let a man speak to my daughter like that.. or make her feel so unimportant or third best.. just no..

Blended families eh! Someone’s always the looser