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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging angry over this

266 replies

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:14

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum

I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official.

We have a baby together.

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third.

Dsd wasnt here.

Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

OP posts:
WanderinStar · 28/09/2023 23:29

Please don't let this man be your child's stepdad

PrimalOwl10 · 28/09/2023 23:36

I'm going against the grain whilst he shouldn't have said it. Many step mum expressed on here they have different feelings towards there step children than the biological children it's only natural.

WildImaginings · 28/09/2023 23:36

I can't begin to explain how my life has been affected by similar 'jokes' and treatment. I'd be here all day listing my chronic under/over achieving (depending on current mental state), pushing away of formerly close friends, self isolation, regression, depression, excessive generosity to others at the detriment of myself- the list goes on.

My mum 'told off' my stepdad but did fuck all else of any substance. This had also started before he was on the scene. Sibling had an extremely involved grandparent where they were clearly the favourite grandchild. I definitely did not, and was NOT the favourite when it came to my (different) grandparent. This was clear to everyone else involved but nothing was ever done to try and compensate for this. This is acknowledged now and regrets have been aired but unfortunately the damage has been done.

It's affected every aspect of my life. I'm in my 30's. When you're nobodies 'favourite' it takes a toll.

Nagado · 28/09/2023 23:44

How long ago did this happen and have you told him what a fucking awful thing it was to say to a little girl who considers him the nearest thing she has to a dad?

If he isn’t genuinely mortified and desperate to apologise to her, then I’d be thinking very carefully about your future with this man. He may well love his biological children more. He may not love your DD at all. But a good man understands that you and she come as a package and would never say anything so cruel to a ten year old child who is probably already feeling rejected by her biological father. What an utter spiteful cunt he has been to her. Please don’t give him the opportunity to ever do it to her again.

LorW · 28/09/2023 23:48

How is he with her OP, does he treat them all the same? Tells her that he loves her? Regular reassurance etc? Hopefully he will be able to smooth this over but getting rid seems a bit of an overreaction, OPs DD will just blame herself and have to deal with that too.

Dita73 · 29/09/2023 00:01

Well he’s a prick isn’t he. The question you should be asking is how long will it take him to get his stuff together and get out

looking4pup · 29/09/2023 00:06

DaughterNo2 · 28/09/2023 22:58

So he said, his child, then joint child, then your child?
apologies if I have missed a post

joint child
his child
OP's child

Playingintheshadow · 29/09/2023 00:14

Hanitiser · 28/09/2023 21:51

My husband always says 'I don't have any favourites, I dislike you all that same' 🤣🤣

That's what we've always said.

All three children firmly believe that they are the favourite lol!

Superduper02 · 29/09/2023 00:44

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:28

@Notlaughingalot god no! I agree it's the worst possible subject & i dont have a favourite is always the go to or should be.

I think she brought it up just casually as we were bonding just us 3, which just adds to it.

OP, rather than bagging on your DP which would be easy, he needs to fix this by sitting her down with her and you and say that he is worried about that came out and wants to reassure her that he loves her very much and that you both love them all equally. Let her ask any questions and use it as a deliberate bonding moment.

AngryBird6122 · 29/09/2023 10:04

I think the posters saying to kick him out and it should be over are a bit extreme!

He said it as a (very, very bad) joke, it wasn't a serious conversation.

Yes, he needs to sort it but if he is otherwise a good partner then this is not LTB territory.

I doubt he will ever, ever make a joke like this again.

Certainlyreally · 29/09/2023 22:38

I tell my oldest he's my favourite oldest child, and my youngest , my favourite youngest child

givemeasunnyday · 29/09/2023 22:40

CherryMaDeara · 28/09/2023 21:31

What a knobber.

All he had to say was he loves all 3 equally. He doesn’t actually have to feel that way.

This. I can't believe your partner could be so insensitive.

Dibbydoos · 29/09/2023 22:54

He's speaking the truth sadly, that's how he feels.

Now you know how he'll treat your DD, do you still want to be with him?

What disgusting behaviour.

You need to talk to your DD about it so she can get her emotions and hurt out in a safe environment. You can then work with her to mend ger hurt feelings.

Emotional abuse is abuse. End of.

ElfieLea · 29/09/2023 22:55

It sounds like a joke that landed badly. He can fix it.

If your daughter asked you in private who your favourite was between her and SD what would you say? Tell her she's your favourite.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 29/09/2023 22:56

TeenLifeMum · 28/09/2023 21:31

My dc used to ask which was my favourite and I used to joke it changes but usually the one not whining. They would sometimes make me coffee in bed and announce they were my favourite for the day but it was always jokey and backed up with a “I love you all and everything that makes each of you you.”

I say similar, who ever is behaving/not fighting/put their dishes away in a jokey way.

Hankunamatata · 29/09/2023 22:59

Perhaps he doesn't love her the way you hope he would. It's time for an honest chat.
I work with someone who isn't keen on the step kids he lives with but the mum turns a blind eye

nickelbabe · 29/09/2023 23:06

Your "d"p is being such a twat here.

The only correct answers when asked this question are refusal to choose or "you're all my favourite".

My dad has fucking dementia and still laughs and refuses to answer when I say "daughter number 2 is your favourite, isn't she!"
This is a game we've always played.
So, a man in his 80s with advanced dementia has more fucking sense than that twat you're shacked up with.

Ffs.

Robotalkingrubbish · 29/09/2023 23:08

That would be game over for me. Show this horrible man the door and put your child first.

ConnieTucker · 29/09/2023 23:11

Twatdog · 28/09/2023 21:45

Your partner is a bit of a cunt isn't he.

This. To his older daughter he has been worse.

Gymnopedie · 29/09/2023 23:21

AngryBird6122 · 29/09/2023 10:04

I think the posters saying to kick him out and it should be over are a bit extreme!

He said it as a (very, very bad) joke, it wasn't a serious conversation.

Yes, he needs to sort it but if he is otherwise a good partner then this is not LTB territory.

I doubt he will ever, ever make a joke like this again.

How do you know it was a bad joke and he wasn't being serious? He may have been being painfully honest about his feelings. In which case I don't know if OP's DD could ever get over it and she shouldn't be asked to.

tolerable · 29/09/2023 23:30

Aaaaargh.
ok.Stupid conversation. ...but not too late. ?
is dp aware - of the crushed heartache dd feels.? or even potentially might.) Does he care.?
If he wants to ammend the impact of the STUPID conversation it wouldnt take THAT much input.
Maybe have them do a "family portrait" art attack....He can then narate-how shes drew/painted(ie. positivity off the scale)doesnt need to put anyone else down in the process.
Can him\her have one to one -again the emphasis must NOT be on comparison...but he can surely praise positive -tell her how happy he is yall make such a lovely family and make sure she feels significant ? (buy her /(also dd if gony cause a stir)a "sister"bangle or similar.
my ds2 regularly bursts in door and says...ma- can you text ds1 and tell him i'm youre favourite..... (i dont..obviously/it isnt an issue tho)

DisquietintheRanks · 29/09/2023 23:30

It was a nasty thing to say. But please don't tell him to pretend he loves them all the same unless he does. Most step parents don't love step children in the same way as they love their own child and that's ok. He just needs to avoid stating it and needs to treat them equally.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 29/09/2023 23:35

In our house the stock answer to who’s the favourite which isn’t often and always jokey is we dislike you all equally, same as other posters.

DC1 is not biologically DHs, 2,3 and 4 are. He wouldn’t NOT dream of saying anything like that. He’s her dad as far as both of them are concerned. I’d be kicking him out tbh OP

readbooksdrinktea · 29/09/2023 23:37

PrimalOwl10 · 28/09/2023 23:36

I'm going against the grain whilst he shouldn't have said it. Many step mum expressed on here they have different feelings towards there step children than the biological children it's only natural.

Yes, agree. But he should know enough to keep his mouth shut about it. She'll never forget this, poor girl.

UneFoisAuChalet · 29/09/2023 23:41

Well, we have three kids and have never ever had the ‘favourite’ discussion because that’s just weird. If we mention favourites, it’s usual total banter, like son A had brought me a cup of coffee and I’ll say ‘you’ve always been my favourite’ or son B takes the bins out and we say ‘son, forget the others, you’re inheriting the lot, the rusty van, my Simone de Beauvoir books and the dog, cuz you’re our favourite!’ All three have their good points and their bad points. I can discuss things better with son C as he’s reasonable, but son A is the kindest and sweetest and son B gives the best hugs and asks the best questions and so on and so on. No favourites.