Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging angry over this

266 replies

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:14

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum

I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official.

We have a baby together.

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third.

Dsd wasnt here.

Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

OP posts:
varywary · 28/09/2023 22:11

BTW, I don't think it's wrong or abnormal to prefer your own children to someone else's. But if you are going to become a step parent, you bloody well need to be the kind of person who is able to at least engage with the idea.

I would personally avoid men with young children like the proverbial Plague because the only children I care about are my own. That being the case, I wouldn't inflict second-class status on someone else's children. If you're going to take on someone else's children and do it properly, you have to be the kind of person who will love them as if they were your own. If you're not, you shouldn't do it.

varywary · 28/09/2023 22:14

I'd let him know exactly what a cruel cunt he was and that if he didn't do/say something to ensure dd was reassured he loves her, then I'd be reconsidering the relationship entirely

Why would he love her? She's not his child.

If he's not the kind of person who can genuinely love a child who isn't theirs (and those people are few and far between), then they shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

I don't know why people are so keen to rush into relationships when they already have children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/09/2023 22:15

Oh god. Poor DD, how awful for you too.

Of course it’s a thing kids ask, it’s up to adults to answer appropriately.

I have a favourite son, daughter, step son and step daughter!

DH has favourite age/sex kids as he has multiple sons and daughters.

Not bloody complicated if you’re not a dick and actually care about the children in your family unit.

wildwestpioneer · 28/09/2023 22:17

Wow what an incredibly awful thing to say, firstly to your dd and secondly how would his dd feel about it. Tbh he's managed to insult everyone!

NotStayingIn · 28/09/2023 22:17

I can't believe how terribly he has messed things up. You'll stay together, he'll dote on the baby, and she'll feel like shit. Every - single - day. What an utter dick. I would also be absolutely raging. What was he thinking? I think the two of you need to have a serious conversation about how to damage control this. It's a huge huge issue, he better realize that.

JustAMinutePleass · 28/09/2023 22:19

You should have said don’t worry you and baby are MY favourites. If DP is going to play favs you should too.

Jellykat · 28/09/2023 22:19

If any of my partners said that to my DSs, they'd be gone, end of.

PandaExpress · 28/09/2023 22:21

In your defence here, I think age 10 is the peak time kids (girls especially) ask "Who's your favourite?" I know I did when I was young and my kids asked it too. It was easy for us we could just say "You're our favourite girl and DS is our favourite boy" But she'd still press for the top spot, which was obviously brushed aside with "You're both the favourite" DH (their dad) would sometimes joke "You know that kid who lives down the street, with the cool bike?" Or whatever. But make a joke of it. But I don't think your DP is in the position to make the joke he did and it's landed badly. I hope you can get him to reassure her and make her feel better. Its so sad for her.

WillowCraft · 28/09/2023 22:30

According to parenting books you're supposed to tell the child who's asking some of the things you love about them. I'd ask your partner to apologise and explain it was a bad joke, and then tell her he loves them all equally (if that could plausibly be true - if he's known her from a baby etc) and then some reasons why she in particular is special.

It's definitely worth him trying to straighten it out. If it was a genuine misjudged joke then he should be willing to do that. If the girl was asking the question presumably she thought she was going to be told that he loved them all the same...otherwise why ask?

BluebellsForest · 28/09/2023 22:30

I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I know you had to react quickly, but I'm don't think this will work in reassuring DD. She is presumably raising it repeatedly because she knows at some level that she comes last with hjm. And may be wonders where she comes with you.

Playing it off as a joke dismisses her very real (and justified) feelings.

Merryoldgoat · 28/09/2023 22:30

So you’ve told him it’s. It an acceptable conversation and he still has it?

Your partner is an arsehole.

I’m so sick of these threads.

Cornishclio · 28/09/2023 22:30

What was his response when you tackled him about it? Is he usually that insensitive to others feelings?

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/09/2023 22:32

It sounds like he was joking OP. My niece and nephew say this to me all the time, "Auntie Skinny, who's your favourite, me or Jane/John?". I then usually reply "none, don't like either of you" with a laugh, they then laugh and that's that.

JANEY205 · 28/09/2023 22:33

This made me feel sick. I’ve never forgotten some of the accidentally hurtful things my stepdad said to me and it did damage my relationship with him and how I felt about him. Your partner is such a twat! Wtf did he bring this up? Scumbag.

Mariposista · 28/09/2023 22:33

This a really immature conversation to even be having!

If the kids ask 'who is the favourite?' - just say the dog!
Nobody should be having any 'favourites'. it might happen naturally, be obvious even, but it shouldn't be discussed.

Needsomebloodyperspective · 28/09/2023 22:34

Get Fucking rid of him!! When the baby gets older he will be insufferable to your child.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 28/09/2023 22:37

The favourite discussion came up

WTAF? This isn't normal or okay! Your DP is an absolutely idiot, but why was this conversation even taking place at all?

Bored1000 · 28/09/2023 22:37

Has he form for being nasty?
What he did would be a huge red flag for me, it was downright cruel, even if she isn’t his favourite he could have lied

looking4pup · 28/09/2023 22:38

Does your dd know your DP isn't her dad?

I think most people (if they haven't known them since babies) would love their biological children more.

Howdidtheydothat · 28/09/2023 22:38

I think dp just didn’t think , I.e it was a joke that would be ok with adult because they know it’s not true but a bit black humour
He should say
you are my favourite SC
x is my favourite youngest
x is my favourite eldest
i love you all a million

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 28/09/2023 22:38

Starzinsky · 28/09/2023 21:53

He clearly didn't handle it tactfully, but not sure his older daughter would have been too happy if he had told your daughter she was an equal favourite.

She's not exactly going to be jumping for joy if she finds out her younger half-sister is his favourite either.

Just asking for her to feel replaced with that kind of stupid comment

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 28/09/2023 22:38

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/09/2023 22:32

It sounds like he was joking OP. My niece and nephew say this to me all the time, "Auntie Skinny, who's your favourite, me or Jane/John?". I then usually reply "none, don't like either of you" with a laugh, they then laugh and that's that.

The dd didn't take it as a joke though, did she?

Merryoldgoat · 28/09/2023 22:40

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/09/2023 22:32

It sounds like he was joking OP. My niece and nephew say this to me all the time, "Auntie Skinny, who's your favourite, me or Jane/John?". I then usually reply "none, don't like either of you" with a laugh, they then laugh and that's that.

You can’t see the difference between a niece and nephew asking an aunt and a child whose mother has a new baby with a partner who isn’t her dad asking this, especially when she has no relationship with her actual father?

monkina · 28/09/2023 22:44

absolutely horrible zelper. id get rid of him!!!

Fairospop22 · 28/09/2023 22:45

Oh gosh, your poor daughter 😢

What have you said to your partner since this conversation?