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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be raging angry over this

266 replies

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:14

Dp has a dd (teen) lives with mum

I have a dd (10) lives with us 100% of the time no involvement with dad. Dp is acting as stepdad until official.

We have a baby together.

The favourite discussion came up, dp said baby was his favourite, then my dd said so baby beats me? Dp said no youre third.

Dsd wasnt here.

Dp said as a "joke" but dd's face immediately had heartbreak on it. I just wanted to punch him but had to control my facial expressions and play it off as a joke for dd's sake.

I honestly feel so hurt for her, how completely unloved and unwanted must she feel?!!!!

OP posts:
SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/09/2023 22:45

Merryoldgoat · 28/09/2023 22:40

You can’t see the difference between a niece and nephew asking an aunt and a child whose mother has a new baby with a partner who isn’t her dad asking this, especially when she has no relationship with her actual father?

Show quote history

Yes I can see the difference. However the OPs DP doesn't have a crystal ball, he didn't know his joke was going to go down like a lead balloon, did he?

grumpycow1 · 28/09/2023 22:45

You need to get rid of this twat and show your daughter who is most important to you. Raging would not even cover it. How will your daughter feel every day now that she thinks you are this perfect little family and she is THIRD best?! Of course he should have just said ‘we don’t have favourites’. I seriously wouldn’t want him around my child any more.

HellNoBedBug · 28/09/2023 22:47

I’m sorry that’s so harsh.
I think he needs to have a think and talk between the two of you and he can talk to her again and says he was joking but he can see it’s not funny and he has 3 children who he loves equally and he can’t wait until he’s officially her dad as he always feels like it already.
If he can’t do that does he stay in your family?

SkinnyMalinkyLankyLegs · 28/09/2023 22:49

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 28/09/2023 22:38

The dd didn't take it as a joke though, did she?

Show quote history

No, she didn't. That's not the point though. The point is that the OP is angry at DP for his joke. He didn't know it was going to land poorly though, did he? No, he didn't. Now that he does know, he's going to have to make amends.

Dillane · 28/09/2023 22:53

TulipsTulipTulips · 28/09/2023 21:23

Is he a twat or an idiot?

Both

TheSilentSister · 28/09/2023 22:53

She's obviously aware enough to know the family dynamics have changed with a new baby and was looking for reassurance and what a slap in the face she got!
I don't know how he can come back from that. But he better bloody try his hardest to. I think he ought to take her out for a treat and then tactfully bring the subject up and clarify where she stands in his life. Maybe a lot of backtracking would be needed to reassure her but it depends on her maturity/understanding. I certainly wouldn't let him 'adopt' her and she probably would want him to after this.

EvilElsa · 28/09/2023 22:53

Fucking hell, what a absolute thick twat he is. There's some things you just don't say, regardless of if they are true or not. I feel so sad for your DD, that will really stick with her. I'd be reassuring her that he was just being silly and teasing and I'd be telling him that what he said was cruel and thoughtless and that he owes DD an apology for his "joke". This made my heart ache a bit for your DD, I really hope this is a one off stupid comment and that he doesn't treat her like she is third favourite.

PandaExpress · 28/09/2023 22:54

God, the posters saying get rid of him! He's the father of her youngest. He could be an angel of a man apart from this one, very badly thought out joke. He could put this right. You don't have to rip a whole family apart over a stupid, flippant comment. Mistakes get made, what you do afterwards can make the difference. I hope he realises how hurtful it was, reassures your DD and makes her feel better.

DaughterNo2 · 28/09/2023 22:58

So he said, his child, then joint child, then your child?
apologies if I have missed a post

Nazzywish · 28/09/2023 22:58

What a horrible horrible stepdad your partner is OP. He need to admite it was wrong, apologise to her personally and explain he didn't mean it etc and she is loved by him. If he can't or won't do that or sees nothing wrong then honestly what are you with him for when he can't treat your daughter like his own..put her first. Yes you've got another child with him but this will cost you a daughter is long term this stuff will escalate and seep into other things if he so blantly shows favouritism to his own all the time etc.

Avatartar · 28/09/2023 23:02

what A twat! How about saying to DD in front of DH that the love he has for baby is his newest love and it’s just starting to grow. Tell her love is one of those things that never has an end to how big it can grow. You can love lots of people and have the same amount of love for everyone. No one has a set amount of love, there is always more and it can grow as much as you want and doesn’t run out.

AngryBird6122 · 28/09/2023 23:04

It’s not great but its about how it’s dealt with

what happened immediately after? @zelper

Letsgetouttahere2023 · 28/09/2023 23:05

He sounds absolutely awful. Cold and cruel.

DonnaBanana · 28/09/2023 23:08

If he were more aware of MN sensibilities he could have said the OP was his favourite because the children will leave eventually so the partner relationship is more important in the long run.

neilyoungismyhero · 28/09/2023 23:08

He was a complete bellend but you should have shut this down the minute it started and told her there are no favourites in this family. Silly silly conversation.

Thankgodforwine · 28/09/2023 23:09

Your DP needs to speak to your DD and reassure her he was only joking and he loves them all the same

My dad used to say stupid "jokes" like this all the time thinking he was funny ....he was just an idiot
Me and my sister are biologically my dad's so when he said stuff like this he was just being an idiot but if he was one of our stepfathers the joke would be totally different and even more unfunny than it already was

I don't think you need to go to the extremes of leaving him over this as other people have suggested 😂

Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy · 28/09/2023 23:13

I'd throw him out. But you won't.

BronnauMawrion · 28/09/2023 23:13

My kids don't argue about who is my favourite. They both know it's the cat.

Redpaisley · 28/09/2023 23:14

septemberoctobernovember · 28/09/2023 21:49

My kids always joke about who is the favourite. Note: joke!!

i usually say it’s the one who hasn’t left their shoes in the hall to be tripped over or the one who hasn’t left wet towels on the carpet. Sometimes it’s the one who offered me tea. And I always have a favourite (only) daughter, a favourite eldest son and a favourite youngest son but I make it very clear that my favourite child is the dog and they’re all quite happy with that.

Edited

You have a sweet family

Thankgodforwine · 28/09/2023 23:14

BronnauMawrion · 28/09/2023 23:13

My kids don't argue about who is my favourite. They both know it's the cat.

🤣🤣🤣

Delphigirl · 28/09/2023 23:15

Your dp sounds cruel. My heart hurts for your dd, she will never ever forget that.

my 4 kids all know that the dog is my favourite child “because he is fluffy”

That is the only type of favourites conversation you should EVER allow.

Mamma2017 · 28/09/2023 23:23

So come on then…how is he going to rectify this with her? (Not that he can but what is he going to do to try) we are waiting for this response OP I am fucking fuming reading this

Fink · 28/09/2023 23:28

You both need to do whatever you can to salvage this immediately, and sort it out with her as soon as she wakes up. It can't be unsaid and she will likely never forget it, but he needs to do whatever he can to rectify what is left of the relationship and try to regain her trust. And you need to make sure that she knows you have her back and that you will always love her. How did you respond when he said it? Did you let him know immediately, and in front of her, how utterly unacceptable it was? She needs to hear from you both very directly how wrong he was to ever have said it, even in jest. Not just trying to be less of a dickhead from now on, but you both need to apologise to her.

JanglingJack · 28/09/2023 23:28

ChocolateCinderToffee · 28/09/2023 21:35

She'll never forget that, you know. I never did.

This.

I'm verging on my very first LTB. An overreaction? Maybe. But she'll never forget.

She has you, herself and her baby sibling.

LTB.

He's just destroyed her.

My first.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 28/09/2023 23:29

zelper · 28/09/2023 21:48

I don't understand how this has backfired.

Read the title. Im angry at him. Aka i dont agree with it.

I also do not allow the favourite conversation, however he done it before i could say anything!!!

You don't allow it - but he's done it before and you didn't stop it then.

Your daughter needs you to advocate for her, you're her mum. If you don't she will never forget it and you'll reap what you've allowed to be sown there.

I won't ask the usual questions about how long you've known this twat before you moved in/moved him in to your daughter's home and had a child with him, but he sounds horrible and you sound ineffective. Angry

Your poor daughter, I hope she has other, better, family/friends that she can count on for support. I've seen two threads in recent weeks where girls have moved in with their friends because they have awful home lives. Do better before it is too late.

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