I can’t forgive this can I? How can a father be so awful?

parpsb · 2023-09-28T19:23:14+00:00

I have an 9 month old with my ex partner. I’ll spare the details but he essentially had a breakdown when I was pregnant and has been wallowing ever since. I now live alone and we haven’t seen him in months although he does pay cms and has been in touch now and then regarding DD. This week DD has been very poorly. Tomorrow she will have to have tests to ascertain the problem. I text him to ask if there was any family history of allergies because that would help the hospital take a full history for DD and assist them in getting to the bottom of things as soon as possible.. the more info they have the better. He’s not responded. I feel like this is absurdly, horrendously callous? Am I being dramatic?! I actually cannot believe he had ignored this.

Hankunamatata · 28/09/2023 20:24

Does he have relations you could get the infromation off?

Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:25

@Hankunamatata one has died, the other is 86 and in a care home.

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LittlePlumTree · 28/09/2023 20:28

When did you text?

Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:29

@LittlePlumTree yesterday

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Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:29

He has a breakdown and has been "wallowing" ever since. Sounds rather horrendously callous too. If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child. Perhaps he is trying to find out whether there is a family history from a doctor. If he had something to report I am sure he would.

Dramatic · 28/09/2023 20:30

I'd be extremely upset about this too. Unfortunately I don't think there's much you can do about it other than cut him off completely and accept he does not want to be part of your baby's life.

I really hope your daughter is ok.

Cas112 · 28/09/2023 20:30

@Spirallingdownwards and if that was the case a quick text to let her know would be ok

Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:33

@Dramatic @Cas112 thanks, yep I thought a text either way would be the right thing to do. I honestly can’t believe how someone can be so awful. I’m exhausted from looking after her while unwell and obviously stressed about it so I thought maybe I was being dramatic. I can’t imagine what sort of monster can detach like this with his daughter’s health. The joke of it all is he’s a effing paramedic!

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Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:33

*an

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PotOfViolas · 28/09/2023 20:34

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:29

He has a breakdown and has been "wallowing" ever since. Sounds rather horrendously callous too. If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child. Perhaps he is trying to find out whether there is a family history from a doctor. If he had something to report I am sure he would.

It's lucky the op hasn't decided to not bother to see her baby for months too isn't it, like the dad! Perhaps she could just chuck money at it once a month too. I'm sure he could say "I'll just check with the doctor and let you know" in the unlikely event that was what he was doing.

Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:37

Actually think I am done putting up with his awful detached behaviour this time. How can he do that to her. He’s not even asked if she’s ok! Lovely chap.

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cptartapp · 28/09/2023 20:38

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:29

He has a breakdown and has been "wallowing" ever since. Sounds rather horrendously callous too. If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child. Perhaps he is trying to find out whether there is a family history from a doctor. If he had something to report I am sure he would.

He wouldn't have to 'wear himself out' working to support his child if he did his 50% of 24/7 care half of every week. He wouldn't then have to pay anything. But he can't manage that. So mum has to do his share too. As per.
I almost guarantee he's not down the doctors checking on allergies.

Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:40

He’s a paramedic @cptartapp . Makes me feel quite sick that someone like him could be coming to my rescue one day.

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Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:42

PotOfViolas · 28/09/2023 20:34

It's lucky the op hasn't decided to not bother to see her baby for months too isn't it, like the dad! Perhaps she could just chuck money at it once a month too. I'm sure he could say "I'll just check with the doctor and let you know" in the unlikely event that was what he was doing.

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What a ridiculous response. The OP has chosen to have her child even though she is not with her partner. When a woman makes that choice there is always a chance that the father may (wrongly) decide not to step up to the mark. In this case though she says he had a breakdown but then unsympathetically refers to him wallowing. I assume neither she nor you have ever had such a breakdown and know how difficult even coping with day to day life can be afterwards. She calls him callous but has been pretty cold hearted towards his situation. I can understand her hurt and frustration but your comment is simply ridiculous.

Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:43

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:42

What a ridiculous response. The OP has chosen to have her child even though she is not with her partner. When a woman makes that choice there is always a chance that the father may (wrongly) decide not to step up to the mark. In this case though she says he had a breakdown but then unsympathetically refers to him wallowing. I assume neither she nor you have ever had such a breakdown and know how difficult even coping with day to day life can be afterwards. She calls him callous but has been pretty cold hearted towards his situation. I can understand her hurt and frustration but your comment is simply ridiculous.

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@Spirallingdownwards Bizarre. His breakdown happened when I was 32 weeks pregnant. He’s managed to go back to work in an ambulance rescuing people but has been an absolute cunt to his daughter since her birth. This is just the tip of the iceberg. I might have a breakdown too, then just chill out each weekend after my very long week at work paying a tiny amount of cms to support the child I barely see.

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Sunshinenrain · 28/09/2023 20:46

YANBU

It’s one thing to not be involved with your own child but to not show concern or give information that could help is vile.

PandaExpress · 28/09/2023 20:46

He's a bastard for not caring. If he doesn't get back to you with the info (or at least say he doesn't know) before her appointment tomorrow, then he's a complete and utter bastard.

landbeforegrime · 28/09/2023 20:47

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Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:48

@Sunshinenrain @PandaExpress in a weird way I almost wish I hadn’t asked because I am struggling mentally to process that anyone could be so cold. I actually can’t comprehend it. I know I absolutely won’t be able to forget this if he doesn’t let me know before her appointment. Can you imagine knowing your daughter is so poorly and not even asking about her, let alone providing information that could help? I didn’t realise people like that existed, didn’t think he was so low.

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Doingtheboxerbeat · 28/09/2023 20:55

I understand having a breakdown and all but as soon as something really serious happens to what is possibly the most important person in the world, I think most people would respond - either way. Does he ignore texts from his bos for example?

Atticustheaardvark · 28/09/2023 20:56

Assuming he's ok, or hasn't lost etc. his phone, then you are being 10 times more reasonable than anyone could expect.

However, do you actually know he's ok? Can you contact someone at his work to a) check and b) if he's been turning up to work as normal, get them to pass a message on that his daughter is seriously ill?

Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:56

@Doingtheboxerbeat he has been back at work since she was 2 months. I actually do wish I hadn’t asked now as I really don’t think I can ever speak to him again after this. I feel actually sick he could treat her like this.

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Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:57

@Atticustheaardvark I don’t know he’s ok as we don’t live together so I don’t speak to him day to day. I think he last text around ten days ago. In the message I didn’t say she was seriously ill as it might be something simple such as a reaction to a food. I said this in the message so as not to alarm him but asked if he could let me know.

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Original poster

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:58

@Atticustheaardvark he’s been online so read the message

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Patchesofdrizzle · 28/09/2023 20:59

I had a bleed when I was pregnant and there was a worry that I was Rh incompatible with baby so was told to find out her fathers blood type ASAP - we had broken up early in pregnancy. He just didn't reply to my frantic voice mails, so no, I'm not surprised that a man who doesn't want anything to do with his baby would withhold medical info.

My baby was fine, hope everything goes well for you.