I can’t forgive this can I? How can a father be so awful?

[parpsb]

I have an 9 month old with my ex partner. I’ll spare the details but he essentially had a breakdown when I was pregnant and has been wallowing ever since. I now live alone and we haven’t seen him in months although he does pay cms and has been in touch now and then regarding DD. This week DD has been very poorly. Tomorrow she will have to have tests to ascertain the problem. I text him to ask if there was any family history of allergies because that would help the hospital take a full history for DD and assist them in getting to the bottom of things as soon as possible.. the more info they have the better. He’s not responded. I feel like this is absurdly, horrendously callous? Am I being dramatic?! I actually cannot believe he had ignored this.

Also if he's a paramedic he could have read your message at work or something. If you asked me for my family allergy history I wouldn't be able to get that info and give it to you within a day. Given your later posts, I would let him know she's very ill, and this is an urgent medical appointment and isn't a routine check.

Thinking practically, if he's not being forthcoming to you with the relevant information, might he speak to her doctor(s) directly? If they are in the same hospital or trust it might be easier for them to talk to him directly?

Removes any objection to you being the intermediary for his medical information.

I'm not passing comment on whether it's reasonable for him to withhold the information because he doesn't want you personally to have it, just trying to think what might help your daughter.

Honestly, I think you are being too kind buying into the “breakdown” excuse at all. He has been able to work in a physically and emotionally traumatic job and this is his excuse for not wanting to be a parent. Yes he’s a deadbeat, but you can’t force and emotional connection or a normal response where there is one. He simply doesn’t care in the same way you do. One day this guy will probably have a new relationship and after he eventually discloses that he has a daughter, rather than admitting that he is a deadbeat dad (and risk looking bad) you will be labeled the psycho ex who “won’t let him see his daughter.” Be prepared. He is an absolute cop-out who simply isn't interested.

In that case, I completely understand and am sorry you are having to deal with that.

OP you will have to accept that he is never going to be the father you'd like him to be.

My DD14 hasn't heard or had any financial contributions from her father since she was 2.

Some people are just terrible at caring about anything else apart from themselves.

You will have to accept this otherwise you will keep tying yourself in knots over the "why".

Believe me, once you can let go and stop caring about him not caring you'll feel better.

Oh we're going to flip the sexes are we?

Can you recall the last time you heard about a mother who was fit and able to work a demanding job, buy simultaneously too ill to even acknowledge her child or be involved in their life in any way? And wouldn’t respond to a text message asking for medical history ahead of an appointment for her sick child?

No I can’t imagine this thread being started about a woman, but not for the reason you’re implying.

Sign me up to the "unfeeling bitch who despises my ex who had a breakdown and has used it to absolve himself of all responsibility" club. Where do I sign up?

It's pretty bloody selfish to go into self care mode and let your mother pay your way and not do a sodding thing for your DC (although he at least calls them to talk to them I suppose).

Fucker even had the audacity to moan at me for "landing on my feet" when I got a promotion I worked my arse off for, along with doing 100% care for my DSs.

OP, please don't sugar coat your ex's lack to your DD when she is older. Don't let her have a false image of him in her head, it's not fair to her.

But he’s back at work…he just apparently can’t have anything to do with his daughter or even inquire after her health. He’s a deadbeat. Expecting the woman who has to pick up all of his slack (and will for the next 20+ years) to be sympathetic is really beyond the pale.

This just says it all about the posters rabidly defending this man. You’re accusing the OP of being callous and unfeeling, but then you’ll reply with a sarcastic “congratulations” to a mother who gives a harrowing account of her own mental illness.

You’re not mental health advocates; you’re apologists for deadbeat fathers. Maybe save your faux sympathy for the child at the centre of this whose father doesn't give a shit about them.

This. You sound bloody awful and like you have no mental health awareness at all.

If he committed a crime while you were pregnant, could be facing a hearing from his professional body or the HPC? Doesn’t stop him responding really. Having said that, I am surprised that he doesn’t know allergies of his immediate family

I was very sympathetic to everything actually. Too much so. I now only communicate with him on a basic level. I got sick of caring for his feelings and mental health when he appeared not to care for our child’s feelings and mental health.

The posters saying they can’t imagine a woman doing this are correct. Women don’t have time for wallowing to the extent of a man and they get on with things. I could have had a breakdown after giving birth alone, having an emergency c section and being alone with my baby at home, unable to barely move, 3 days later… did I? No, because I didn’t completely abandon my child.

Let’s actually start calling out these men rather than bickering between ourselves. No wonder the patriarchy is still in full force.

Er yeh and many people manage to have mental health conditions and still see their children. No fucking excuse.

Yeh people are different. Some people are loving dedicated parents and also living with debilitating mental illness .
Others are deadbeat losers who don’t give a fuck about their kids.
Easy to spot the difference .

So this man abandons his 32 week pregnant partner. Leaves her to birth and care for their baby entirely alone. Returns to work and pays the legal minimum in CMS support (just 12% of his income). Doesn’t even respond to a text when his 9month old daughter is unwell, and you think he is the one owed something from his ex and others- empathy no less ???
please DFO to Gillead, there is zero place for attitudes like yours in modern society.

So sorry your daughter is unwell OP. I hope she is feeling better really soon.

I think its very sad your ex had a breakdown, but he could have at least replied to your text, no, or don’t know but will try and find out etc. I do find it hard that someone (especially a parent) can seem to ignore a message about a child. Could he possibly of had a nightshift/long shift or something and is asleep?

I understand life might be really hard for him right now with his mental health, but I can also understand how your heart has hardened to him, especially now you have your daughter. You are unsurprisingly very stressed and must be absolutely worn out.

Dealing with someone with mental health problems can be extremely exhausting, you put yourself on the back burner and neglect your own wellbeing, add in a new baby it can’t be easy.

I hope you have some support and people that you can lean on!

But he doesn’t have to give a shit about his infant daughters health? There’s no excuse for not replying.

Op, can you clarify, when you say breakdown, do you mean he was diagnosed by a professional as suffering from depression or something, or are you just using the term in a more conversational way and there’s no diagnosis?

What kind of illness is your little one suffering from, OP?

Ah ok, in which case he's just being completely vile. I'm sorry you are experiencing this, OP and hope your DD gets better very soon.

YANBU. He can respond to a text about his baby’s health! How difficult is it?! If a woman was neglecting her child’s health, I doubt they’d get sympathy on here.

OP hasn't provided any details about the causes of the breakdown? Her responses feel like she just wants a pile on.

Paramedic is an odd job - the only people you can talk to are your colleagues.

Long ago, when I was 12 my father, (ambulanceman) withdrew for several months, barely talking to anyone and keeping out of the way of us kids. Years later I found out that he'd picked up a child, the same age as my sister, who had tipped a pan of boiling chip fat over herself. When you have kids it's impossible when you see them not to imagine the same thing happening to them - withdrawing is self protection.

Not saying anything like that is the case here, just that those suggesting his behaviour is unacceptable as he's still working, is a paramedic etc - just haven't a clue.

This.

He is never going to be a "father" to your daughter OP. He just doesn't care for her the way you do and he never will.

Once you have realised and accepted this, you are free. Free to raise DD the way you want.

I did this with my DS who's now 19. Being a single parent has been so much better and easier than trying to coparent with a deadbeat.

I am far, far better off than mothers whose exes force them through court or continue to abuse them after separation. No contact is paradise compared to that.

If he's not interested (he's not), let him go. Stop trying to engage with him. Focus on yourself, your daughter and your future. It is his loss.

@FrankieStein403 if I ‘withdrew’ our child would be taken I to care.

I hope you get some respect for women soon.

@HomeBase @jeaux90 thanks. I think this has really drawn a line for me now