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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t forgive this can I? How can a father be so awful?

155 replies

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:23

I have an 9 month old with my ex partner. I’ll spare the details but he essentially had a breakdown when I was pregnant and has been wallowing ever since. I now live alone and we haven’t seen him in months although he does pay cms and has been in touch now and then regarding DD. This week DD has been very poorly. Tomorrow she will have to have tests to ascertain the problem. I text him to ask if there was any family history of allergies because that would help the hospital take a full history for DD and assist them in getting to the bottom of things as soon as possible.. the more info they have the better. He’s not responded. I feel like this is absurdly, horrendously callous? Am I being dramatic?! I actually cannot believe he had ignored this.

OP posts:
Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:01

@Patchesofdrizzle that is one of the most vile things I think I’ve ever heard!! Did he ever even see his child?! I am genuinely gobsmacked. Thank you for your well wishes.

OP posts:
PotOfViolas · 28/09/2023 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes. I'm not going to engage with that brainless poster. Probably a deadbeat dad themselves and not wanting to face it.

JustAMinutePleass · 28/09/2023 21:06

If you are at the hospital where he works tell the consultant his name & that he hasn’t got back to you & could the consultant ask him. This is what my cousin had to do to get medical info from his ex who was a nurse and witholding info about a genetic condition that ran in her family. Obvs he could still say no but I doubt it - he’ll want to look good for his colleagues

millymog11 · 28/09/2023 21:06

OP I feel for you (I am a single mum myself)
Even tho I do not get on with my ex husband in any way, I feel from your OP that your daughters dad is probably not being callous or deliberately not responding to you on this. If you do not live with a child and have no experience of hands on raising of a child you will not think these things are urgent in the way they might be.

Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:07

@JustAMinutePleass I didn’t realise they would contact him, data protection wise?

I think I will let them run their tests and keep him out of it. I am really not sure I can ever see him again after this, I just can’t believe it really.

OP posts:
Sartre · 28/09/2023 21:09

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:29

He has a breakdown and has been "wallowing" ever since. Sounds rather horrendously callous too. If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child. Perhaps he is trying to find out whether there is a family history from a doctor. If he had something to report I am sure he would.

Lucky OP isn’t also hiding away from her child in a corner somewhere having a ‘breakdown’. Shit happens to parents all of the time but we still have to get up and help our children because that’s what you sign up for when you become a parent.

Also LOL at ‘working himself into the ground to support his child’. He’s going to work like any usual person and sending money to financially support his child as he’s legally obliged to do. I’m pretty sure OP is working herself into the ground raising the child they made together single handedly so he can have his breakdown in peace.

Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:10

@millymog11 thanks for that perspective, I can imagine that could be it. I still can’t understand him not asking how she is though.

OP posts:
anunlikelyseahorse · 28/09/2023 21:12

I think given spirallings user name it's probably understandable where s/he is coming from.
Mental health is serious and has a huge impact on both the sufferer and family members (including ex ones). It's also easy to dismiss it, and equally easy to get frustrated with the sufferer.
However OP I can understand why you are frustrated, but this is who he is, you won't change it, yes it's upsetting and hurtful, but try not to,let it get to you, as it will only make things worse for you. I hope they can find answers for your little one, it must be a very worrying and exhausting time Flowers.

Lifeomars · 28/09/2023 21:13

You must be so stressed and worried about your little one. I had an ex like yours, our child was knocked over and my ex only bothered to see them once, came over, then promised to come the following week and then never bothered to show up. It is utterly beyond me how some parents can be so callous and uninvolved with a poorly child. As a single mum you have to hold it all together and it can be so tough and lonely. Wishing you all the best

millymog11 · 28/09/2023 21:14

Parpsb I have been at this for about 10 years now, kids with me, ex pays cms but sees them as a kind of hobby for him on an unpredictable basis. His view on what is urgent or upsetting is very very different from mine. I have had times when I have thought "how can a human being be so totally lacking in emotion about his own offspring". As the years have gone by I have realised he is just like that and he really is. I think you have to make peace with it. The only thing which will really feel unfair is if, down the line in X years time, he has a change of attitude and starts accusing you of not keeping him in the picture about things. That really is a total head F**k. For now I would not let his own inability to show interest affect you if you can help it, you need your energy for your daughter. I hope it goes ok and it turns out with results which are not so worrying.

bakewellbride · 28/09/2023 21:16

Are you sure he received the message?

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/09/2023 21:16

Yeah you are probably being slightly dramatic...do you want to help your child or is this about saying your ex is an evil person?...I don't know enough about either of you to judge you both but if my child needed to be helped...would I be coming on Mumsnet for solace and others to agree or disagree with me? seems weird ...

Anele22 · 28/09/2023 21:17

Although you shouldn’t have to, maybe you should phone him. Don’t let him off the hook by letting him ignore your text. Hoping your little one is okay And gets the care she needs.

Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:18

@bakewellbride yes it’s says that he has.

@MistressoftheYoniverse I have just felt so shocked by it and wanted to voice it I suppose. It does make me feel better if others agree with me… because I feel so strongly that he has now gone beyond acceptable behaviour. This is his daughter.

OP posts:
IcedBananas · 28/09/2023 21:19

@millymog11 could be right. People I know who don’t have kids can be so clueless it’s unbelievable but I was also definitely clueless once too. I’d drop him a reminder message ‘the appointment is tomorrow morning 8am so I need this info asap’ Don’t worry about giving him the real time just say it’s really early so you’re not left hanging for as long. If he still doesn’t reply he’s a tosser never speak to him again apart from official things like cms

BeaRightThere · 28/09/2023 21:21

I think you're overreacting. You said yourself that you didn't tell him how sick she is (and it's not even clear from your posts how sick she is). Obviously he should have replied but your reaction is very OTT and given he obviously has serious mental health issues it's impossible to know what is going on from his side.

I hope your daughter is okay.

IcedBananas · 28/09/2023 21:22

to be clear I think yanbu. Even if without any connection to a baby (like a colleague or an acquaintance’s baby) I would have asked how the baby was and how you were feeling about it.

Reddog1 · 28/09/2023 21:22

Could you contact one of his good friends and ask him/her to explain the seriousness of the situation to your ex? Most people would want to stay out of your business and rightly so, but when a child’s health is at stake it’s a bit different.

Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:23

BeaRightThere · 28/09/2023 21:21

I think you're overreacting. You said yourself that you didn't tell him how sick she is (and it's not even clear from your posts how sick she is). Obviously he should have replied but your reaction is very OTT and given he obviously has serious mental health issues it's impossible to know what is going on from his side.

I hope your daughter is okay.

@BeaRightThere I think I’m amazed really that he could be so cold hearted. As @IcedBananas says, you’d check to see how she is surely? Though I wasn’t thinking about that, I thought he’d simply say yes, this, or no, there’s nothing. Maybe I’m too soft but there’s no way I could ignore a message like that about my child.

OP posts:
Alopeciabop · 28/09/2023 21:25

Love, store this in your mind. Keep it at the back somewhere where it doesn’t bother you every day but keep it there so when he inevitably come out the woodworks saying he loves her and wants to see her and cry me a river blah blah blah you are strong and don’t just let him pick up as dad of the year. He’s a tosser. And yes he can have had a break down. Yes people freak out and have mental health problems etc. but no, you don’t live an ordinary life, hold down a high responsibility job, hang out with mates etc but then don’t see your kid. He’s a selfish coward.

Hope all is good for tomorrow with you daughter. Don’t let him take up your head space you have better things to be doing with your time. Look after yourself too

cbuew9 · 28/09/2023 21:26

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:29

He has a breakdown and has been "wallowing" ever since. Sounds rather horrendously callous too. If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child. Perhaps he is trying to find out whether there is a family history from a doctor. If he had something to report I am sure he would.

I thought this too....

Patchesofdrizzle · 28/09/2023 21:26

My ex does see my son sometimes, and i will never tell my son what he did - or didn't do. I bite my tongue a lot!

Dramatic · 28/09/2023 21:28

anunlikelyseahorse · 28/09/2023 21:12

I think given spirallings user name it's probably understandable where s/he is coming from.
Mental health is serious and has a huge impact on both the sufferer and family members (including ex ones). It's also easy to dismiss it, and equally easy to get frustrated with the sufferer.
However OP I can understand why you are frustrated, but this is who he is, you won't change it, yes it's upsetting and hurtful, but try not to,let it get to you, as it will only make things worse for you. I hope they can find answers for your little one, it must be a very worrying and exhausting time Flowers.

Yeah, expect this guy is a paramedic and presumably is able to work a phone to send a simple message

Bored1000 · 28/09/2023 21:29

I find it so unbelievable that I think there must be some reason for him not responding and it cannot be that he just ignored your text, could some reason be:

  • are you sure he read the text
  • has he lost his phone
  • Is in a very depressed state
  • is he abroad and not receiving texts
  • does he have some kind of pay as you go phone
  • Is he perhaps in hospital / sectioned
Dramatic · 28/09/2023 21:30

BeaRightThere · 28/09/2023 21:21

I think you're overreacting. You said yourself that you didn't tell him how sick she is (and it's not even clear from your posts how sick she is). Obviously he should have replied but your reaction is very OTT and given he obviously has serious mental health issues it's impossible to know what is going on from his side.

I hope your daughter is okay.

Irrelevant. Does someone's child have to be on deaths door for them to care? What the hell.