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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t forgive this can I? How can a father be so awful?

155 replies

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:23

I have an 9 month old with my ex partner. I’ll spare the details but he essentially had a breakdown when I was pregnant and has been wallowing ever since. I now live alone and we haven’t seen him in months although he does pay cms and has been in touch now and then regarding DD. This week DD has been very poorly. Tomorrow she will have to have tests to ascertain the problem. I text him to ask if there was any family history of allergies because that would help the hospital take a full history for DD and assist them in getting to the bottom of things as soon as possible.. the more info they have the better. He’s not responded. I feel like this is absurdly, horrendously callous? Am I being dramatic?! I actually cannot believe he had ignored this.

OP posts:
Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:32

@Bored1000 I think it’s possible he’s again having a wallow session … and yes it is that, he was involved in a crime when I was pregnant and can’t get over it. It was entirely his fault and he often goes into a state about it. He used to blame me for what he did but that’s stopped now and he has long episodes of being quiet. Im just sick of having to tolerate how dreadful he is and this is beyond the pale to me.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/09/2023 21:35

Yanbu. My ex did this at 34 weeks pregnant. He is now hassling me a lot though tbh I'd prefer to be in your situation in many ways- you have total control. It doesn't help you with the current medical situation though - hope your dd is ok!!❤️❤️❤️

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/09/2023 21:36

And this is not a surprise...think deeply about his behaviour in the past red flags were probably flying we all see them and ignore them and also think about what you want to achieve...coming on here is a way of having people agree with you but you also have to think about what your child needs past what you might deem as correct behaviour from your former partner....you can get more bees with honey than vinegar...he has broken down but he still pays for her...be smart..x

BalletBob · 28/09/2023 21:36

@Spirallingdownwards are you a deadbeat father too? It would explain a lot.

If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child.

🤣🤣 You realise this is literally what (almost) every parent has to do? Go to work and pay for their kids. It's very normal and very much the bare minimum.

Quite staggering that someone could come out with half the shit you've spouted and then call other posters "ridiculous". Honestly.

Bored1000 · 28/09/2023 21:37

I can understand why you are completely sick of him, I would be too but if he Dosen’t answer a text like that he must be in an extremely depressed state.

I would call him over and over again until he answers, you need to get any info you can out of him, I wouldn’t care if I was annoying him, he will get over that…… I suppose he might have his phone turned off though so it might not work

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 28/09/2023 21:40

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:29

He has a breakdown and has been "wallowing" ever since. Sounds rather horrendously callous too. If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child. Perhaps he is trying to find out whether there is a family history from a doctor. If he had something to report I am sure he would.

Aww is he wearing himself out having to work paying the bare minimum to support the child he does sweet FA for. Poo lamb.

kamboozled · 28/09/2023 21:40

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:33

@Dramatic @Cas112 thanks, yep I thought a text either way would be the right thing to do. I honestly can’t believe how someone can be so awful. I’m exhausted from looking after her while unwell and obviously stressed about it so I thought maybe I was being dramatic. I can’t imagine what sort of monster can detach like this with his daughter’s health. The joke of it all is he’s a effing paramedic!

No I agree with the other poster who said you yourself sound callous. I also think so. He had a breakdown - that's a serious thing so it's terrible to say he's 'wallowing' - he's ill

You only messaged yesterday - it's a bit short notice tbh. You're being dramatic

SquirrelFeeder · 28/09/2023 21:41

@Spirallingdownwards Excuse you?! "The mother made that choice?!" And you know this HOW exactly?!

DoubleTime · 28/09/2023 21:43

Why didn't you phone him and ask for this, since its important ?

SquirrelFeeder · 28/09/2023 21:45

@parpsb I too had one of these OP. When our child was very ill in hospital he didn't care one bit. Despite being a great Dad for the first year of her life. Some men are just mentally unstable....

I'd not want your ex to be my Paramedic if anything happened to me that's for sure! What a twat

Beautifulday3 · 28/09/2023 21:46

I think in your position I would be tempted to cut all ties. Unless he responds in time with a valid excuse. It is sad that some parents are able to offer themselves more care than their children.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/09/2023 21:46

Imagine if a man came on here are said my partner is having a 'wallow session' she needs to sort this out, she's awful and I'm exhausted and stressed, she's a monster..I.mean she's an effing Nurse!

kamboozled · 28/09/2023 21:47

parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:32

@Bored1000 I think it’s possible he’s again having a wallow session … and yes it is that, he was involved in a crime when I was pregnant and can’t get over it. It was entirely his fault and he often goes into a state about it. He used to blame me for what he did but that’s stopped now and he has long episodes of being quiet. Im just sick of having to tolerate how dreadful he is and this is beyond the pale to me.

Instead of "wallow session" - rewrite it as "feeling suicidal"

"I think it's possible he's close to another breakdown and is unable to respond to messages right now"

Your language is so demeaning....

wombat1a · 28/09/2023 21:49

You are seriously BU, how on earth do you expect someone to answer this within a day or two. If someone asked me this I wouldn't be able to answer for at least a week as I tried to find out the info. I also wou;dn't reply to say 'wait why I find out' as to me it would be obvious that it would take a number of days to reply to this request.

Plus shile you know how sick your child is you haven't given any consideration to how he is suppoed to know.

If the only requests I for from you would be 'demands' I'd probably block you pretty sharpish anyway.

Ponoka7 · 28/09/2023 21:51

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/09/2023 21:46

Imagine if a man came on here are said my partner is having a 'wallow session' she needs to sort this out, she's awful and I'm exhausted and stressed, she's a monster..I.mean she's an effing Nurse!

If she had passed the occupational health test to be fit for work, yet had no contact with her child from birth, she'd be castigated. A Mum can't even suggest going on holiday and leaving the baby with Dad/GM on here without a pile on.

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2023 21:51

My ex wallowed too he had a drinking issue and would go to pubs and sob and wail about his daughter with a bad kidney saying he was going to give her one of his etc etc people wouod feel sorry for him buy him drinks or beg him not to drink so he can donate his kidney

He never came to a hospital appointment
She didn't NEED a kidney
He never asked how she was
Never even paid child support
CBA to visit either

Adult DD is just fine without him

NowWhattt · 28/09/2023 21:51

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:29

He has a breakdown and has been "wallowing" ever since. Sounds rather horrendously callous too. If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child. Perhaps he is trying to find out whether there is a family history from a doctor. If he had something to report I am sure he would.

Yeah agree with this. “ Wallowing “.. how callous to say that when someone has had a breakdown.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/09/2023 21:51

Yanbu and you are not overreacting.

However, take this and learn from it.

Let him kick in his pittance of CMS and do not text, message, ask or tell him anything. Just drop the rope completely..

If he decides he wants contact let him take you to court. And if you plan to move to some other part of town/ the country do it now.

Separately, if it is allergy based I was really surprised to learn you can get a full panel test privately for about £250 (I got one same week Vs a 9 month NHS wait list)

mathanxiety · 28/09/2023 21:52

I am really not sure I can ever see him again after this, I just can’t believe it really.

@parpsb

Draw a line under the relationship and the coparenting, stop expecting anything of him, and move on.

When someone tells you who they are, believe it, and change your approach. It can be hard - and you obviously feel a good deal of the rejection of your baby - but walk away and do not look back.

Make a good life for you and your child. Don't do it out of spite or for revenge. Do it for you and for the baby.

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/09/2023 21:53

We are all just people..peopling...he's not doing great but your child needs what she needs..the Internet is really not the best place to get advice..I wish you well ..but use what you know about your situation wisely and don't be swayed by your emotions..your baby needs you and her father too x

Wildhorses2244 · 28/09/2023 21:53

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:48

@Sunshinenrain @PandaExpress in a weird way I almost wish I hadn’t asked because I am struggling mentally to process that anyone could be so cold. I actually can’t comprehend it. I know I absolutely won’t be able to forget this if he doesn’t let me know before her appointment. Can you imagine knowing your daughter is so poorly and not even asking about her, let alone providing information that could help? I didn’t realise people like that existed, didn’t think he was so low.

I know this is hard but believe me when I say it’s better that you’ve found out that he is this sort of person now, before she has developed a close relationship with him.

Whatever happens from here on in her life, base your decision making around access/relationship/support for seeing him etc on what you know to be true from his behaviour today. Far better now, before she’s old enough to know.

BeaRightThere · 28/09/2023 21:54

@Theunamedcat Your ex had an alcohol addiction. The OP's ex had a breakdown. There's no suggestion he has done anything like what your ex did.

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2023 21:56

And as for allergies I know most my families medical allergies off the top of my head I can even tell you about my ex husbands antihistamine reactions and which one is best for him and what shampoo he shouldn't use for his scalp condition and which washing powder he is aallergic to in fact I offered to write it down for his own mother after we split because she got it wrong then moaned he was itching constantly 😅

Some things you just remember

Bdhegdjeob · 28/09/2023 21:56

Maybe he thought he’d replied.

why not send a chaser in case there is some mix up on his end.

If you have time to post on here and it’s an urgent query then I’d be chasing them.

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 28/09/2023 21:58

I’ve been here. He wouldn’t even give a blood sample for a genetics test once her diagnosis was confirmed.
I went NC by 12 months old as it destroyed me.
This was 20 years ago. DD and I have been extremely happy ever since x