I can’t forgive this can I? How can a father be so awful?

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I have an 9 month old with my ex partner. I’ll spare the details but he essentially had a breakdown when I was pregnant and has been wallowing ever since. I now live alone and we haven’t seen him in months although he does pay cms and has been in touch now and then regarding DD. This week DD has been very poorly. Tomorrow she will have to have tests to ascertain the problem. I text him to ask if there was any family history of allergies because that would help the hospital take a full history for DD and assist them in getting to the bottom of things as soon as possible.. the more info they have the better. He’s not responded. I feel like this is absurdly, horrendously callous? Am I being dramatic?! I actually cannot believe he had ignored this.

I stand by what I said..many people work with mental health conditions

He may have become numb to illness and trauma via his job.

Just no

If he had anything to report I'm sure he would

Are you the father here? otherwise how on earth would you know what he would do?

But this is someone who had months off of work due to mental health and clearly with a shitty support system.

But now he's back in the saddle, but he's still not showing up for his child. No excuse.

Yet when I was forced into a psychiatric unit and unable to see my children I did absolutely everything possible to make myself well. Changed my diet, took evil antipsychotics, exercised, meditated all to be back with them as soon as I could. Every single day in that hell hole I spoke to them. I wouldn't let them visit as it was awful but "behaved" so I could see them off the ward asap. I was ill for a further six months after release. Getting out of bed was hell but I did it for them.
Answering a fucking text? Come on.

Definitely call, sometimes my phone clicks off and marks my message as read as I was about to own it but then I might go into other messages thst have come since and forget about it!!

He may have become numb to illness and trauma via his job.

Like all the rest of the people who work in healthcare? Thousands and thousands of people, all too numb to care about their children...

That could potentially make him a lot more dismissive of illness as he sees very serious illness all the time, he could be de-sensitised by his work. Depression or a break down can make people lose interest in things they actually care about, so I wouldn't write him off yet.

I won't pretend I can fathom this behaviour, it's what some people are like. XH had zero interest when I told him I'd gotten DD an emergency appointment with her psychologist because she was saying she wanted to die and wrapping things around her neck. He didn't even ask after if she was ok. I told him about her safety plan and that was it. He also recently closed the door in my face when I was trying to tell him about the bullying problems DD was facing at school. I'd literally been talking for 30 seconds and he wasn't interested, yet its always I don't tell him things, I don't let him be involved or make decisions. He's lived with our kids their whole life until recently and this was all before he moved out. Some parents are just like that. He's done several unforgivable things, but he's still their Dad. Of course that's different to your situation because your Ex hasn't ever lived with her.

Congratulations. You might be shocked to learn everyone is different. ANYWAY, the OP sent a non-urgent text (as she described it) and he hasn't replied a day later. Keeping in mind it might take some time to find out this info.

I’m so sorry I have been through this too and it’s heartbreaking as a mother!! The anger and pain is like nothing else and my child’s dad is a doctor too. Please cut contact and suggest that if he wants contact in the future to go through mediation and a third party so you don’t have to speak to him. Direct message me if you ever want a chat I have been there. It gets better and you heal xx

@DecemberMama21 a doctor ffs?! Seriously? I cannot wrap my head around that!!! Does your ex see your child? I really didn’t think my ex was so bad but this is just too low. Far too low.

I didn't say there was an excuse. Humans aren't black and white. Someone doesn't have to be wrong for someone else to be right. He could just not give a shit. Or he could have complex mh that has led him to react like that. Regardless, the attitude towards this is not empathetic at best, callous at worst.

We expect a lot of mothers, don't we, while giving fathers quite a free pass.

ODFO you patronising so and so. I went through hell to be allowed to glimpse my kids. I literally dragged myself out of bed to see them in the morning. Yet this arsehole is able to work as a paramedic (a stressful job that you have to be full on to be able to work). Yet he can't be arsed to reply to a text let alone see his child. If he was clinically depressed (been there lots of times) he could be out of bed for long enough to do a shift.

Christ you would have thought after being in a similar situation you could empathise. I hate it when people feel so passionate about racing to the bottom. There's no conversation to be had with you. "I've had it hard too so everyone MUST react the way I did otherwise they are scum!!!" 🙄

Work can be done on autopilot. Especially something high pressure like paramedic. After my breakdown I worked as much as I could, seemed completely fine and high functioning, then would come home and lay in bed doing nothing until it was time for work again. Answering a text felt like climbing a mountain. I’d scroll my phone for hours and not reply to texts for weeks.
I’m not excusing the guy and YWNBU for this to be the last straw! but am glad some people are sticking up for people with mental health problems here, depression is horrendously selfish, it’s like a black hole you can’t see out of.

OP I hope your daughter is ok.

Hes seen him once this year and is having another baby with his new wife (married her when my son was 3 months old double life) had the nerve to ask me yesterday for advice on what vaccines to give his new baby never came to any appointments with me and went to Tenerife when I was giving birth and whilst our son was unwell in hospital. The nerve of these men is outstanding but please know you are more than enough for your baby. It is unbelievably cruel and sick how these men can emotionally abandon their children. I honestly recommend going as minimal contact as you can

It's weird how it's 90% men that are like this? Not sure why you are defending him so hard? He can go to work in a very stressful environment but can be arsed to see his child?

He's fucking awful, as are the posters defending him. Absolutely unforgivable.

I hope your baby is OK x

your asking about allergies doesn't come across that serious- it's not like you are asking about congenital heart failure or requesting a kidney match.

Is there really no-one in his family he can ask?

I've recently returned to work following an absence due to work-related stress, aka being bullied/micromanaged. I didn't feel ready to go back but I was forced to because I can't afford to go into half pay.

What was this guy like prior to his breakdown? Presumably you must have loved him enough not that long ago to have a baby with him? Was he initially happy about the pregnancy, and was it planned?

You clearly don't believe his breakdown to be genuine - why is that?

I'd be ringing him, and leaving a voicemail if he didn't reply, and stressing the importance of this information. I'm not sure you've been sufficiently clear about that.

He's still a dick, but maybe there's a reason for him being a dick? It sounds like he's been massively affected by whatever it was that happened? Could it be that he doesn't feel he's good enough to be a dad to your daughter?

Meant to say, "you" can ask!

I would wait until tomorrow morning - perhaps 9am - to see if he responds since you told him the appointment is tomorrow, and presumably you only need the info at the appointment and not before that.

I struggle with keeping on top of texts and so I can be quite literal about deadlines. If you tell me that's when you need it, that's when I will get back to you but not before then. I know it understandably pisses people off though.

My ex did the exact same thing.