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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I can’t forgive this can I? How can a father be so awful?

155 replies

parpsb · 28/09/2023 20:23

I have an 9 month old with my ex partner. I’ll spare the details but he essentially had a breakdown when I was pregnant and has been wallowing ever since. I now live alone and we haven’t seen him in months although he does pay cms and has been in touch now and then regarding DD. This week DD has been very poorly. Tomorrow she will have to have tests to ascertain the problem. I text him to ask if there was any family history of allergies because that would help the hospital take a full history for DD and assist them in getting to the bottom of things as soon as possible.. the more info they have the better. He’s not responded. I feel like this is absurdly, horrendously callous? Am I being dramatic?! I actually cannot believe he had ignored this.

OP posts:
Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:58

kamboozled · 28/09/2023 21:40

No I agree with the other poster who said you yourself sound callous. I also think so. He had a breakdown - that's a serious thing so it's terrible to say he's 'wallowing' - he's ill

You only messaged yesterday - it's a bit short notice tbh. You're being dramatic

Show quote history

@kamboozled but not too ill to work? That’s the part I don’t get.

OP posts:
Blondebutnotlegally · 28/09/2023 21:58

Honestly I agree with PP that the way you are talking about his mental health is atrocious. If you spoke to him about it the way you speak to strangers about it, no wonder he's stepped away.

To pp spouting crap about "well she doesn't get to hide away and wallow!!!" No, because she's not having a mental breakdown. Many mothers do, and can't look after their children for a while.

Many fathers leave for no reason and drop all responsibilities because they are disgraceful. But this is someone who had months off of work due to mental health and clearly with a shitty support system.

Theunamedcat · 28/09/2023 21:59

BeaRightThere · 28/09/2023 21:54

@Theunamedcat Your ex had an alcohol addiction. The OP's ex had a breakdown. There's no suggestion he has done anything like what your ex did.

Edited

No he had a breakdown too he used to take his meds drink get taken off in an ambulance then he used to sell his meds go out drinking and walk around the streets screaming he wanted his baby back what he didn't do was show up to see her for 20 years

Tandora · 28/09/2023 21:59

Spirallingdownwards · 28/09/2023 20:29

He has a breakdown and has been "wallowing" ever since. Sounds rather horrendously callous too. If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child. Perhaps he is trying to find out whether there is a family history from a doctor. If he had something to report I am sure he would.

He has a breakdown and has been "wallowing" ever since. Sounds rather horrendously callous too. If he is paying CMS maybe he is wearing himself out working to be able to support his child

🤣🤣🤣🤣 are you out of your mind.

Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:59

DoubleTime · 28/09/2023 21:43

Why didn't you phone him and ask for this, since its important ?

@DoubleTime he doesn’t like phone calls. With anyone. He wouldn’t pick up.

OP posts:
kamboozled · 28/09/2023 21:59

@BalletBob

He's had a MENTAL BREAKDOWN - even working will take it out of him

@MistressoftheYoniverse I completely agree! If a woman has a mental breakdown it's all love and hugs on MN. If the father has a breakdown - OP's OWN words "c**t"

Unbelievable how ignorant some people are about mental health - if it's the man that's ill

Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 22:00

Blondebutnotlegally · 28/09/2023 21:58

Honestly I agree with PP that the way you are talking about his mental health is atrocious. If you spoke to him about it the way you speak to strangers about it, no wonder he's stepped away.

To pp spouting crap about "well she doesn't get to hide away and wallow!!!" No, because she's not having a mental breakdown. Many mothers do, and can't look after their children for a while.

Many fathers leave for no reason and drop all responsibilities because they are disgraceful. But this is someone who had months off of work due to mental health and clearly with a shitty support system.

@Blondebutnotlegally hes been working for the last 7 months though!

OP posts:
TheSquareMile · 28/09/2023 22:01

In your situation, I would send him a text in the morning along the lines of:

"I need to speak to you today about any family allergies which might explain why Laura has been so unwell recently - we're seeing the Doctor at 2 pm, could I give you a call around 11.30?".

kamboozled · 28/09/2023 22:04

parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:58

@kamboozled but not too ill to work? That’s the part I don’t get.

Show quote history

Yes! But not too ill to work. It'll be all he can do probably. 100% of his energy will be gone. Returning to work is often the first and ONLY thing a person with a serious mental health issue can do - and all too often they return way to early

Just because he's working, doesn't mean he's well. The moment he gets home he's probably very ill, or as you call it 'wallowing'

Blondebutnotlegally · 28/09/2023 22:06

The recovery after months of low mental health is slow. You don't bounce back immediately. It can take years to feel normal again. Even longer if you have a bitter ex rolling her eyes about how overdramatic you are when you are in the lowest point of your life. I'm not surprised he has emotionally detached himself from the situation.

Inspirationneededplease · 28/09/2023 22:09

I really don’t understand the posters standing up for this guy, it’s ridiculous. He’s having a selective breakdown about his parenting responsibilities 🙄 honestly.

I’m a psychotherapist and I would not be forgiving this guy. I don’t know how instrumental you are in the small amount of contact he has with his own child but I would be ceasing contact and leaving him to make the effort from now on. Boundaries and responsibility. If he gets therapy, changes and seems to genuinely want a relationship then, and only then, think about whether you can forgive him. And then don’t.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/09/2023 22:10

@mathanxiety expressed it way more articulately but I share the sentiment.

PotOfViolas · 28/09/2023 22:14

If a mum abandons their child and wants nothing to do with them they get judged a lot more than a dad doing the same.

Inspirationneededplease · 28/09/2023 22:15

Just want to follow up with - his mental health is not the OP’s problem. He’s responsible for that. His doctor, therapist and parents, maybe, but not his ex. He and the OP are responsible for their child. He isn’t being a parent in anyway. It doesn’t matter what the reasons are. The OP can only be responsible for her own mental health and her child’s mental health

DoubleTime · 28/09/2023 22:15

But if he has seen your text he knows its a functional call, for his daughter. If he doesn't answer your call then or call back......well you have every right to be angry/cut him off

Bdhegdjeob · 28/09/2023 22:17

parpsb · 28/09/2023 21:59

@DoubleTime he doesn’t like phone calls. With anyone. He wouldn’t pick up.

Show quote history

Why don’t you message him again and tell him the real situation?

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/09/2023 22:17

Would a woman really be castigated if she said she had a mental health condition?

Tandora · 28/09/2023 22:21

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/09/2023 22:17

Would a woman really be castigated if she said she had a mental health condition?

If she was well and cogent enough to work as a paramedic for the last 7months, but not to ever see her child (or her former partner who she abandoned to raise the child alone ) and failed to even bother to respond to texts about her baby being ill then yes she would be crucified and justifiably so.

I cannot believe the comments on this thread-
some women will go to the edge of all reason to defend the actions of the most selfish of men. 😡 wth kind of a world do we live in.

Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 22:23

Bdhegdjeob · 28/09/2023 22:17

Why don’t you message him again and tell him the real situation?

Show quote history

@Bdhegdjeob what is the real situation?

OP posts:
Begsthequestion · 28/09/2023 22:24

MistressoftheYoniverse · 28/09/2023 22:17

Would a woman really be castigated if she said she had a mental health condition?

If she was going to work as a paramedic every day while ignoring the existence of her own baby, to the point of not even returning a text about her health, then I would judge her badly, yeah.

Wouldn't you?

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/09/2023 22:25

I think I would give the hospital his name and job title and ask them to speak to him given he won't be speaking to you. It's absolutely unforgivable what he's doing.

Bdhegdjeob · 28/09/2023 22:26

parpsb · 28/09/2023 22:23

@Bdhegdjeob what is the real situation?

Show quote history

Maybe I misunderstood something but you mentioned that you only sent one message and asked about allergies in his family. You didn’t mention your daughter’s condition because you were concerned it would impact your ex’s mental health.

If that is what happened then I was asking why not say your daughter is ill and having that information could help her.

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/09/2023 22:29

So many apologists on here for absolutely appalling behaviour from her ex partner.

JANEY205 · 28/09/2023 22:29

I vote YABU as he has shown you who he is and you aren’t listening. He’s a complete prick. Your daughter is better with him out of her life. I grew up with a Dad like this and my mother trying to force contact and his involvement in situations like this made them hurt even more. I doubt he knows his family history if most have died and I’m missing half a family history and just go with what we do know from my maternal side. Cut this loser off or your daughter will suffer.

Original poster
parpsb · 28/09/2023 22:31

Bdhegdjeob · 28/09/2023 22:26

Maybe I misunderstood something but you mentioned that you only sent one message and asked about allergies in his family. You didn’t mention your daughter’s condition because you were concerned it would impact your ex’s mental health.

If that is what happened then I was asking why not say your daughter is ill and having that information could help her.

Show quote history

@Bdhegdjeob oh, no I said she wasn’t well but just didn’t go into lots of detail. So he definitely knows why.

OP posts:
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