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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect OH to put my job first ?

339 replies

greyA · 28/09/2023 19:49

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

OP posts:

MargotBamborough · 02/10/2023 04:38

Codlingmoths · 02/10/2023 04:29

Why on earth do you say you pay 50/50, then break it down to he pays 650 pm then you pay 1000 + 300 + 400, you’ve been had for an absolute fool here op. You paid 50% when you earnt half what he earns, now he earns half what you earn you pay 2.5x what he does??
he lied about wanting to stay home, so now you know he lied about his marriage and his feelings- he just resented his ex because he resents people. He resents paying his fair share, he clearly would resent pulling his weight around home since you pay most of the bills and do most of the work around home, he resents you staying home with baby, he’d resent funding you to stay home even though he expects you to fund him. You’ll never be enough and he will never actually support you. I’d sit down and work out finances if single, then tell him that what he’s just told you is that he’s lied non stop about his past relationship and his one wiht you, lie on lie on lie about wanting to stay home with a baby and now we are having one and you have to come clean. It’s too late to ‘change your mind’ (bullshit, it’s just telling the truth for a change) , you are staying home with our baby and showering them with love and care from when they are 3 months to 6 months old and we can look at childcare for when they are 6 months old. Otherwise you can pack a bag, walk out the door and make a time to collect the rest of your things. If you won’t fund our lives or parent or even do<whatever housework he never does>, then baby and I are just going to have to get on with it somehow without you and I may as well start now.

I think having a baby will make his selfishness so clear to you op. You are on your own here, and need to research childcare.

All of this.

fuckssaaaaake · 02/10/2023 06:09

ActDottie · 28/09/2023 20:49

Why can’t the baby just go in nursery after 3 months?

😢 I found some old pics on my phone of mine at that age and my god i couldn't have done it. Still so new and only just getting used to me and life outside. I know lots do it and we are all different, I do things others won't agree with so not judging those who would , just made me think i couldn't imagine handing over my 3 month old to non family every day

CharlotteBog · 02/10/2023 07:28

Loopytiles · 28/09/2023 19:57

In the event of divorce if you work and earn more and your H did more weekday parenting you would risk having less than 50% of your time with the DC and paying your ex maintenance etc.

I don't know how true this is, but it absolutely did not happen in my situation.
I earned considerably more than my ex, who nominally did way more childcare.
I was more than able to care for my children and hold down a full time job and that's what happened.

smileyI · 02/10/2023 09:51

I would look at taking 9 months maternity and then using a nursery which you both contribute to . You’ll be able to do a certain amount of keeping in touch days at work if you want to just keep up to date on what is going on or specifically want to do something etc.
I used to do the billing where I worked and used my KIT dats to still do that for them.
You’d be able to get odd bits and pieces of work done at home to start with while the baby sleeps but that’ll soon change and you won’t get any housework done and start getting very annoyed with your OH!

Honeychickpea · 02/10/2023 10:08

Emz6103 · 01/10/2023 16:23

Agreed, I can't believe women actually feel this way about looking after their own children. Children are seen as an inconvenience that gets in the way of their lifestyle and working life. This will be my final thread because this place is toxic, these women are cold towards men and children and I no longer want to hear anything else from these awful unloving women. This is quite possibly the saddest thread I've ever seen.

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🤣

TiredMummma · 02/10/2023 10:46

A lot of people suggesting childcare, but if your kid isn't already on lists this will be a challenge as waiting times are about 18 months in our area for nurseries and 3-6 months for childminders. It will also cost you in the range of 1.2k for 4 days a week!

Why not suggest it as shared parental leave, you do first 3 months, he does second (I'm guessing you don't get an occupational maternity?) then the care is split 50/50.

I am surprised your OH has previous children as he sounds completely clueless - it's not 5 years off it's bloody hard work 24/7 - and that's potentially a red flag!

SouthLondonMum22 · 02/10/2023 10:56

TiredMummma · 02/10/2023 10:46

Why not suggest it as shared parental leave, you do first 3 months, he does second (I'm guessing you don't get an occupational maternity?) then the care is split 50/50.

I am surprised your OH has previous children as he sounds completely clueless - it's not 5 years off it's bloody hard work 24/7 - and that's potentially a red flag!

That's a good point. It will depend when OP is due, I don't think she ever mentions it.

I put my DC on the waiting list as soon as I had my 12 week scan to be sure we'd get a space at the best nursery for when he was 3 months. I'm due in April and will do the same after my 12 week scan in a few weeks.

We pay £2302 a month for just the one currently, I'm not looking forward to paying for two but it won't be forever thankfully.

TiredMummma · 02/10/2023 15:54

Oh gosh @SouthLondonMum22 that's crazy expensive. Ours is going up to 1.4k for our 2 yo. We'll be paying almost 2.7k when our youngest starts which is also crazy money but we don't have many options here and it's just cheaper than a nanny!

Playingintheshadow · 02/10/2023 18:26

surreygirl1987 · 30/09/2023 16:47

Just a point to add, if you want to put a young baby into childcare, be prepared to need to take lots of time off due to them getting ill. I speak from experience - I had to put my 5 months old (1st child) into nursery 8am-6pm 5 days per week and he came down with every cold and illness going. I don't think he was ever actually at nursery for a full week. I ended up using all my holiday and then having to go into unpaid leave. He suffered a lot with tonsillitis, which usually meant several days off whilst the antibiotics kicked in. Fast forward to having two children and the same happened with baby#2, to the extent I had to stop working as my unpaid leave wiped out my salary (I'm a qualified accountant, so it was a reasonable sum). Just please look into all options and weigh up all the pros and cons. Nobody warned me that little babies would get ill so frequently and if I'd known that as a first time Mum, we may have planned things differently.

Depends on the child. Never managing a full week at nursery sounds very extreme! My eldest kept getting recurrent tonsillitis (he's having his tonsils out actually) but even he was in the vast majority of the time. My youngest child has never missed a day of nursery (and he's been in full time since 6 months old). My husband and I have managed to hold down two demanding full time careers. I appreciate not every family can manage that, but it is worth knowing that all children are different, and not all babies get get ill frequently (and to be honest, rarely as much as that - none of the kids I know have never managed a full week at nursery due to illness!).

All three of our kids seemed to have remarkable immune systems and we used a nursery that didn't send them home at the first sniffle. We didn't often have to take time off with them being ill.

It can be catch 22 though. Some children will catch everything going at nursery, thereby building up their immunity and others do when they're at school.

Playingintheshadow · 02/10/2023 18:34

Emz6103 · 01/10/2023 06:50

Exactly!! Totally agree, it doesn't seem like either parent wants to look after the baby even at newborn stage....gotta be the saddest AIBU post I've read so far

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Well, this has gotta be the stupidest I've read!

Any chance of you joining the rest of us in the 21st century? You sound like you're stuck in the 1950s!!!

Of course the baby will matter more than work - but keeping a roof over its head and its belly full are pretty fucking important too!!

Playingintheshadow · 02/10/2023 18:38

Emz6103 · 01/10/2023 16:15

This is the saddest post I've ever read on MN

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Are you new????

Playingintheshadow · 02/10/2023 18:40

Emz6103 · 01/10/2023 16:23

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Goodbye then.

Your nasty comments won't be missed. Your attitude stinks.

Playingintheshadow · 02/10/2023 18:48

JST88 · 01/10/2023 23:09

You’re right, of course all mothers and babies are not the same however research shows that babies feel anxiety when separated from mum especially as tiny as 3 months, not all babies scream, some babies who are repeatedly (in their view abandoned) separated from their mothers at that age will of course stop crying which is a self preservation technique (nurseries also aren’t always honest about crying duration). ‘Disclaimer’, I use nursery as little as I can however I still use it, that being said copious studies have shown that babies who attend nursery -particularly full time- later in life suffer. Whether it be anxiety, addiction, difficulty maintaining relationships due to poor attachment ability. All you need to do is collect your child from nursery and you’ll see 10 other little faces eagerly hoping to see their own mummy/daddy to collect them. If a child is left by its mother for long periods of time as an infant, that child is less likely to be able to form secure attachments to others (99% of people who don’t have great attachments are oblivious to the fact that they don’t) that child will then be more likely to leave their child at that age and so the cycle continues.

My career remains important to me but it was very much still there after my 12 months maternity leave.

We have very different opinions, and that’s okay

That's a load of utter bollocks.

My children were FT in nursery from 5 months, 7 months and 10 months. I hated leaving them to go back to work but I needed to hold onto my job, even though it was barely worth it financially. Boy am I glad I did now that I am looking towards retirement!

They are all adults and not one of them suffers from "anxiety, addiction, difficulty maintaining relationships due to poor attachment ability" nor do any of their peers who also went to nursery.

Well for you to be able to take 12 months' maternity leave! Back when I had my eldest two, maternity leave was 18 weeks. I had to be signed off on sick leave as I was breastfeeding. It was a bit longer when I had my 3rd, but nothing like a year!

They were all perfectly content in nursery, and there were days when I went to collect them that they were totally engrossed in whatever they were playing with that they didn't notice me at first - not watching along with 10 other little faces waiting for their cruel parents!!!

peachesarenom · 03/10/2023 10:42

I would get a nanny then when you have a break at work you can see the baby!

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