To expect OH to put my job first ?

[greyA]

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

If people on much lower salaries can afford to take longer than 3 months off (which the vast majority of women do) then this woman can. Might it mean a change to their lifestyle for a few months? Sure. Lots of people are a bit shorter of cash than usual when on mat leave. But they’re in a far better position to handle that than the average family. She earns more than enough to save a bit each month. I’m not saying that she should do it if she doesn’t want to, but it’s ridiculous to suggest that she doesn’t have the option when clearly she does, it might just mean forgoing a fancy holiday next year.

Oh my, this is how it works.
Man complains about his ex being a SAHM and having to support her for five years whilst she brings up the children. (‘Five years off’ - dear me)
His next partner bends over backwards not to be like the first wife and pays way more than her fair share, and does all the domestic work too.

I don’t even know where to start on the fact that this man also said he would do the childcare and now does not want to. Did you actually believe his crap about his first wife having ‘five years off’ whilst he was working? He doesn’t sound like he does any domestic or childcare work, and she will have been in exactly the same situation you are now (do you think he did anything when he was with he either?).

Agree with the posters who say use childcare and leave this man. He resents his first wife for looking after the children and no doubt doing everything else for him.

You need to go through both your finances in great detail and so you can see what the minimum is you need to survive and how you get there. That could be you both working full time and paying for childcare and saving for ML. Him giving up work and you working FT. Or s combination of shared parental leave or one or both of you working PT. Presumably he pays child maintenance for his other two children so this may be why he struggles financially?

I could have written this exact post as your situation mirrored mine almost verbatim.

I now have an 8 month old.

I went back to work PT when she was 3 months old. She loves nursery and when I drop her off, she goes in with a huge smile on her face. I think there can be a lot of pressure to take a year off and you’re made to feel bad if that’s not what you do. I would say don’t commit to go back after 12 weeks and so you don’t have that pressure. I left it very open ended with work as I didn’t know how baby would sleep, or how I would feel when she came along.

I went back 3 days a week, but spread over 5 days and she goes to nursery whilst I’m working.

I find it a perfect balance of work and being a mum. I was all about my job pre-baby. Having a baby has definitely changed my perspective on work for the better.

I still do most of the cleaning cooking etc but as I’m home more, I mind less than I did pre-baby. I just do a bit whilst she naps.

I also find now our earnings are ‘more equal’ he’s also more accountable and things are more evenly split. Pre baby we split bills etc 50:50 but I’d tend to pay when we went out, pick up food etc during the week.

good luck with it all.

Are you happy with this man? He doesn’t sound like a team player.

People on much lower salaries will usually have much lower outgoings such as I'm assuming OP's mortgage is based on a salary higher than 38k. It isn't always as simple as just cutting out a holiday.

That is brilliant to hear you and your son have had such a positive experience. However, I do feel that, if possible, a nanny who can provide one to one care is more suited to the needs of a very young baby. However, every baby and every parent is different and ultimately every parent should choose the care that is right for them.

She says they won't be able to pay their bills on just his salary.

People on lower incomes live in cheaper homes in cheaper areas. People like the OP who live in more expensive homes that they can afford on their higher incomes need to keep earning higher incomes in order to keep paying for their more expensive homes. She can't just stop paying the mortgage while she is on maternity leave.

I can't believe so many people on this thread are struggling with this concept.

Wow. Baby not even born yet and already it's mum and dad are arguing over who WON'T be looking after it.

Also the fact he's angry his ex had "5 years off" to raise his first two is a massive red flag. Trying to see why you'd procreate with this man.

Only an only child ever gets one to one care though so the fact he doesn't get one to one care at nursery isn't an issue for me. I wasn't keen on using a nanny and will go with nursery again for new DC on the way.

That's right, every baby and every parent is different.

Side note - I was very pragmatic when pregnant about wanting to go back to my job after 6 months. Be prepared to feel very differently when the baby is here. I push my mat leave to 9 months. Not saying you won’t want to go back to work, I love my job too. However, after you’ve done the first 3 months it starts to get really good. If you can afford it, give yourself a bit more time off. It’s a magical time. You can always go back earlier if you want to.

My husband has a job meaning he’s able to do a lot of childcare around his full time job. I am so jealous now that he gets to spend more time with her. I didn’t expect to feel that way at all. But also grateful as she only does 2 days a week nursery.

I summary, he's:

Sexist
Lazy
Paid poorly
Changes goalposts when decisions have been made
Shit with money

WHAT A CATCH.

OP you will LTB at some point. Better sooner rather than later.

|I'm sure that there's a reason you want to be with him, even though it's not immediately apparent, to be frank.

Of course, you can't WFH with a baby. But if he doesn't want to be a stay at home parent, then get a nanny.

Pretty sure you'll discover a nanny is incredibly valuable and makes your life far easier (mine certainly did) and it might prompt you to have a think about how you want your life to pan out.

Hi Op,
congratulations on your pregnancy.
Honestly, your partner is not looking too good from the update you have provided and, it’s very likely you will end up with the brunt of caring for baby, providing for family and housework- like is the case for many women.

You and your partner have to have a conversation which in my opinion is long overdue and will like cause friction.
You do must do the housework, you earn must of the money and he does what exactly?!
Do you really think it will change once the baby is born? Unlikely!
he is also a father to 2 children and doesn’t seem very interested in maximising his earning to properly provide for the children he has now and the one on the way.

Hope you can have a conversation have a clearly laid out plan where you do not end left with all the responsibilities with very little support from him. x

Your world will change when you have a baby. I took maternity leave then decided to take a career break as all I wanted to do was spend time with and nurture my little one. Fast forward nearly 6 years and I have another beautiful girl and am sad both are now at school (aged 3 and 5). Those years are so precious, either of you would be so lucky to spend those years with them!!

This is going to sound blunt…

Finances aside, he’s had 2 other children, this is your first child. What do you WANT to do? Do you want to go back to work that early on? Will you end up resenting him if you do go back and then end up feeling like you’ve missed out on that time with your newborn?

Likelihood is you’ll still be dealing with post natal things for 5-6 weeks (maybe longer if you have a c-section), so you might not even start enjoying that little newborn bubble for a while after and then it’ll be time for you to go back to work.

If you absolutely have to go back to work at that time then fair enough. But maybe consider whether you could afford a little bit longer?

The dynamic of my relationship changed after our LO arrived. Still have moments where it slips in to me doing a lot more of the domestic stuff when he’s super busy with work, but on the whole my DP has stepped up massively. We are way more of a team now than we ever were. Sorting childcare falls to me due to the nature of my job, he works longer hours and not always close to home so it’s a reasonable thing for me to take care of. I would say he might surprise you, but I wonder what happened with his last marriage…

Use his income to pay for a nanny and you can still have those cuddles in your quiet times. You'd be losing that money anyway, if he wasn't working to be at home with baby.

Just another thought- if he were to quit his job, were you going to pay his maintenance for his older children and keep it the same?

It sounds to me like he realizes that giving up work to be a SAHP would put him in a vulnerable dependent position, just as it does for women who choose to SAHP. He is wisely protecting himself.

Aupair might be a good solution here.,,, if you work from home most of the time.

What maternity pay will you get? It doesn’t sound like you should rely on your partner…

I am self employed and went back to work (very part time) at five months. I’d say, see if you can stretch mat leave to as close to 6 months as possible. If you’re wfh then get a nanny so you can see the baby as often as you like, as work allows. And see if you can afford/can practically go down to 4 days a week. Also, get a cleaner if you don’t already have one.

It's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE doing an intense job with a baby at home. Please don't even entertain that idea!

I do t think you’re being unreasonable. Your other half doesn’t have a career. He has a job. As you’ve said he’s turned down loads of opportunities and isn’t interested in progressing. He could easily take extended leave and return to right back where he is. Definitely not the same as you, which it sounds like you would have to interrupt your career climb.

I can totally understand you wanting a parent to stay at home and raise the child.

I had to put my daughter in daycare at 5 months because her feckless father decided he only wanted to work two days a week and it was a choice between that and homelessness. I felt it was way too young and I still feel sick about it ten years later.

He's a tosser. Just take your mat leave, get a nursery place and seriously consider whether this is the right life partner.

@Pussygaloregalapagos any idea where one of those might come from after Brexit?