To expect OH to put my job first ?

[greyA]

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

Household income only works when you are a team.

They aren't.

Her husband is already contributing a very low amount and spending the rest of his salary on god knows what.

That means that anything else they might need has to come out of the OP's earnings.

In her position I would separate and go it alone. Her husband is bone idle and will be nothing but a millstone around her neck.

This is the saddest post I've ever read on MN

You must be very new.

could you get a nanny

Agreed, I can't believe women actually feel this way about looking after their own children. Children are seen as an inconvenience that gets in the way of their lifestyle and working life. This will be my final thread because this place is toxic, these women are cold towards men and children and I no longer want to hear anything else from these awful unloving women. This is quite possibly the saddest thread I've ever seen.

Get a grip.

If you think this is the saddest thread you've ever seen....women who want to continue their careers? That's it? then you clearly are very, very delicate.

Buh-bye, shut the door on your way out.

"[his ex] effectively got 5 years off with the kids..."

Is that how he sees it? Five years of being a SAHM isn't exactly five years off. It's still cripplingly hard work, with no pay, no recognition, and no time off even if you're ill.

Is this first baby? It screams it. I thought I would be able to WFH in my job in Tech as well as look after our first baby (I LOL now at the thought) I also didn’t expect to be so overwhelmingly in love with the baby and not want to return to work. My advice would be to plan as best you can financially for maternity leave, build up as much savings wise as possible, surely DH can cover the bills on his 38k PA salary? Anything you can cut? I know it’s very modern to split maternity leave but really, that baby just wants you. Yes nothing wrong with dads taking care of their own children and I’m all for strong maternal and paternal bonds but I find it so so sad that this problem even exists. Women are expected to birth babies and as little as 3 months hand baby over, it’s so wrong, you’ll have barely recovered physically never mind emotionally and that baby will scream for you if the bond is there. I left my baby with my mum for 25 mins at 3 months (my mum and I are v close and she had spent tones of time with baby) and my son screamed his head off the entire time as he knew I wasn’t there.

Babies and parents, including mothers are all incredibly different.

I felt that overwhelming love and bond just the same as the majority of mothers do but it didn't stop me returning to work at 3 months because my career also remained important. DC went to nursery at 3 months but I had also left him with Grandparents before that, no screaming yet we absolutely have a strong bond.

We are on similar incomes and attitudes to work except that I (the woman) am the lower earning partner. Absolutely no one's questions the default scenario women on lower salaries should sacrifice their career and income to look after the kid. Or to accomodate the husband's career so in the long term the family earns more money. But somehow here when it is the woman earning more money everyone is upset by this.

Live is expensive even more so with a baby. Your OH has no interest in earning enough to pay for the living costs if you stay at home the full year so you staying home with the kid is not an option. In the long term, investing in your OH's career makes no sense since he's never really going to progress or earn more money unlike you. So your career should be prioritised because it does benefit all of you. Yes you can put the kid in nursery if OH doesn't want to stay at home but oh needs to be on the same page because the kid will get sick and someone will have to stay and look after them. You trying to look after kid (sick or well) while working is the best way for your family to lose the income and go bankrupt.

Your oh should also adjust his expectations, even with good salaries full time child care is expensive and he will need to say bye bye to lot of the luxuries and rein in his own spending.

A woman who has done awesome in her career and wants to carry on doing awesome is 'the saddest thing I've ever heard.' I'll counter the hyperbole and say 'that's one of the most ridiculous things I've read on here.' And, there's been some stiff competition. @Emz6103

*Household income only works when you are a team.

They aren't.*

Yes, to be fair you have a point here. I can't imagine being in a relationship where it isn't a team. But also, why would you have a baby with someone if it's not a team? Anyway, surely the obvious and simple solution is for them both to work and for the child to attend nursery.

Likely this has already been said, but does your company not offer enhanced maternity pay, in addition to statutory, as part of an employee benefits package? Might be worth looking into if you did want to or ended up needing to take longer off from work. I worked for a local authority and they offered to continue to pay 75% of my wages for a year on condition that I would return once my leave had ended. I personally declined as I knew I wanted to take a career break for a couple of years to stay at home with my child and was fortunate enough to be able to. We are privileged in this country to have both maternity and paternity leave rights (it may not be perfect) this is something that parents in the US are still fighting for. If you are able to, all parents should take full advantage of it.

It's also privileged to have a choice and if someone wishes to have a shorter maternity leave, that's absolutely fine too.

I went back after 12 weeks which was enough for me, I wasn't going to force myself to stay off for longer.

I would be pissed off thats he has gone back on his agreement a little, but then again he might of agreed and then remembered what a newborn needs etc
i was the one who was the Sahm in our relationship as I earnt less than DH so it made financial sense but my DH would of jumped at it if it had been feasible.
instead we talked and worked it out , then I got part time job around dh job and he did childcare after work so financially we could survive.
that said housework has always been pretty much 50/50 as we were either both full time or I was a full time mum.
i think nursery/ nanny are going to be only options but your dh will have to accept that comes at a cost so some of the luxuries go and he will have to contribute more. Not everyone can afford to take a years mat leave and some just don’t want to, which is fine as well , if thats is a choice you make.

You’re right, of course all mothers and babies are not the same however research shows that babies feel anxiety when separated from mum especially as tiny as 3 months, not all babies scream, some babies who are repeatedly (in their view abandoned) separated from their mothers at that age will of course stop crying which is a self preservation technique (nurseries also aren’t always honest about crying duration). ‘Disclaimer’, I use nursery as little as I can however I still use it, that being said copious studies have shown that babies who attend nursery -particularly full time- later in life suffer. Whether it be anxiety, addiction, difficulty maintaining relationships due to poor attachment ability. All you need to do is collect your child from nursery and you’ll see 10 other little faces eagerly hoping to see their own mummy/daddy to collect them. If a child is left by its mother for long periods of time as an infant, that child is less likely to be able to form secure attachments to others (99% of people who don’t have great attachments are oblivious to the fact that they don’t) that child will then be more likely to leave their child at that age and so the cycle continues.

My career remains important to me but it was very much still there after my 12 months maternity leave.

We have very different opinions, and that’s okay

There are also countless studies which talk about the benefits of nursery.

Of course at pick up time some children are waiting to see their parents but at drop off time, my DC is excited to go to nursery because he enjoys it and has a wonderful bond with his keyworker.

I didn't want to take a whole year off, 3 months was perfect.

So many people here missing the point. OP loves her job - brilliant! OP main breadwinner - even better!! OP won't put up with unreasonable male - even better still!!!
All perfect. But you can't have all that and a baby. Just like you can't have your cake and eat it. Choose.

You are definitely not being unreasonable, but he is being extremely unreasonable and selfish. Do NOT let him get away with this, please!!

you absolutely have to have dedicated child care while you work. Given his salary, he is the likely candidate for the job, but if he doesn’t want to interrupt his career, he shouldn’t have to take that risk. Especially since he still needs to pay for his older children and if he quits his job you are going to need to cover that.

you could look into him flexing his hours, maybe working evenings and weekends or converting to part-time. That is one way the lower earner can stay employed, but also minimize the time your child spends in care. It can increase the stress ok the household overall though.

I have a masters degree in Early Years and I chose to focus my research dissertation on attachment. There is a lot of indepth research that validates what you have said about the impact of being separated from primary caregivers at a time when essential attachments are being formed (and by primary caregiver I mean Dad also). However, the fact remains that there are parents who will opt for whatever reason to use childcare from a very small baby age and it is therefore it is important, rather than shaming those parents, to ensure that high standards of childcare are offered in this country, so that those babies have the best opportunity to thrive and to form attachments with their caregivers at nursery.

The point is that the OP and her partner discussed how they were going to care for a baby before she got pregnant, and now she's pregnant her partner has decided to go back on their agreement.

He doesn't want to work harder and earn more money, he doesn't want to stay at home with their child even temporarily, and he doesn't want to tighten his belt and stop spending his existing income on rubbish.

He's choosing not to do any of those things which means the OP doesn't have any choices. She can't choose not to have a baby with him because it's too late. She can't choose to stay at home because she's the main breadwinner, so her only option is to go back to work and pay for both the majority of the family's living expenses plus the entire cost of childcare out of her income alone because her partner is selfish, lazy and a spendthrift.

The reason that's the obvious and simple solution is because it's the only solution, because her partner won't pull his weight either financially or practically. But she'll be paying for it, because he won't.

She chose the wrong man to have a baby with unfortunately.

Why on earth do you say you pay 50/50, then break it down to he pays 650 pm then you pay 1000 + 300 + 400, you’ve been had for an absolute fool here op. You paid 50% when you earnt half what he earns, now he earns half what you earn you pay 2.5x what he does??
he lied about wanting to stay home, so now you know he lied about his marriage and his feelings- he just resented his ex because he resents people. He resents paying his fair share, he clearly would resent pulling his weight around home since you pay most of the bills and do most of the work around home, he resents you staying home with baby, he’d resent funding you to stay home even though he expects you to fund him. You’ll never be enough and he will never actually support you. I’d sit down and work out finances if single, then tell him that what he’s just told you is that he’s lied non stop about his past relationship and his one wiht you, lie on lie on lie about wanting to stay home with a baby and now we are having one and you have to come clean. It’s too late to ‘change your mind’ (bullshit, it’s just telling the truth for a change) , you are staying home with our baby and showering them with love and care from when they are 3 months to 6 months old and we can look at childcare for when they are 6 months old. Otherwise you can pack a bag, walk out the door and make a time to collect the rest of your things. If you won’t fund our lives or parent or even do<whatever housework he never does>, then baby and I are just going to have to get on with it somehow without you and I may as well start now.

I think having a baby will make his selfishness so clear to you op. You are on your own here, and need to research childcare.