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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect OH to put my job first ?

339 replies

greyA · 28/09/2023 19:49

Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

OP posts:
MargotBamborough · 01/10/2023 08:02

Emz6103 · 01/10/2023 06:50

Exactly!! Totally agree, it doesn't seem like either parent wants to look after the baby even at newborn stage....gotta be the saddest AIBU post I've read so far

Show quote history

Why are none of you acknowledging that the bills will still need to be paid?

If your partner earned enough for you to stay at home and not miss a single moment with your kids, bully for you. Count yourself lucky and stop guilt tripping women not in that situation. Posts such as yours are extremely unpleasant.

T1Dmama · 01/10/2023 11:06

He’s gone back on agreement…
id be telling him that he’s done nothing but moan about ex having time off to raise HIS kids, he wanted time off to raise the baby and has now back tracked!!….
Don’t ever marry him and keep a pot of secret savings for a rainy day!
In the mean time employ a nanny… that way you still get to see the baby during coffee breaks and lunch.. Tell him you’ll pay for the nanny but he then needs to pay his own gym membership (or take over other bills)I wouldn’t give up your career and would instead find something that suits you and works for you…. Don’t worry about OH, he’s messed you about enough!

Milliemoo6 · 01/10/2023 12:31

Yes you're being unreasonable expecting him to give up his job if he doesn't want to. With your income you can afford childcare, then you can both work. If you don't want to use a nursery then hire a nanny.

MargotBamborough · 01/10/2023 12:33

Milliemoo6 · 01/10/2023 12:31

Yes you're being unreasonable expecting him to give up his job if he doesn't want to. With your income you can afford childcare, then you can both work. If you don't want to use a nursery then hire a nanny.

Who is going to pay for this childcare?

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 12:47

Who is going to pay for this childcare?

Surely their household income from working... which is how most working couples pay for their childcare?

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 12:49

He’s gone back on agreement…

Oh wow. I went back on my 'agreement' too. I thought I wanted to be at home with my baby and did a long maternity leave then dropped down to party time. Hated it. Went back full time and we put my son (plus his brother when he was born) into full time nursery. This wasn't the plan. This wasn't our 'agreement'. But I am entitled to change my mind about this. Do you think I wasn't, and I should have just stuck it out, even though I was miserable?

stealthbanana · 01/10/2023 12:52

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 12:49

He’s gone back on agreement…

Oh wow. I went back on my 'agreement' too. I thought I wanted to be at home with my baby and did a long maternity leave then dropped down to party time. Hated it. Went back full time and we put my son (plus his brother when he was born) into full time nursery. This wasn't the plan. This wasn't our 'agreement'. But I am entitled to change my mind about this. Do you think I wasn't, and I should have just stuck it out, even though I was miserable?

Presumably you didn’t insist that your spouse work full time from home AND look after your child full
time though @surreygirl1987 ? As this is what OPs DH is suggesting

reallyunderstandsometimes · 01/10/2023 13:02

GrumpyPanda · 28/09/2023 22:19

Dump the lazy fucker and get a nanny instead. Life will be so much more relaxed.

Best reply!

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 13:02

Is he though? All I can see in OP's posts about this is that he: 'seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby.' I dont see anything at all about him 'insisting' on this. Where does it say that please - maybe I have missed a post?

They can clearly afford childcare between them so that seems to be the obvious solution as both of them want to work, which is fair enough. But the issue seems to be that the OP doesn't want to put her child in nursery, even though she also doesn't want to look after the child herself. Basically it seems like the OP wants to have her cake and eat it...

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 13:05

Presumably you didn’t insist that your spouse work full time from home AND look after your child full
time though@surreygirl1987? As this is what OPs DH is suggesting

Also, I did suggest that my husband go part time himself instead, when I decided SAHM-ing wasn't for me. But he didn't want to. Which is fair enough. I trest my husband the way I want to he treated myself. I expect to have the freedom to decide whether or not I work, and thr freedom to change my mind, and my husband deserves that same freedom of choice - as does both the OP and her husband.

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 13:06

Yes you're being unreasonable expecting him to give up his job if he doesn't want to. With your income you can afford childcare, then you can both work. If you don't want to use a nursery then hire a nanny.

Absolutely! I can't believe anyone thinks the OP is being at all reasonable!

Milliemoo6 · 01/10/2023 13:27

The parents, with their £120k household income.....

stealthbanana · 01/10/2023 13:34

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 13:02

Is he though? All I can see in OP's posts about this is that he: 'seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby.' I dont see anything at all about him 'insisting' on this. Where does it say that please - maybe I have missed a post?

They can clearly afford childcare between them so that seems to be the obvious solution as both of them want to work, which is fair enough. But the issue seems to be that the OP doesn't want to put her child in nursery, even though she also doesn't want to look after the child herself. Basically it seems like the OP wants to have her cake and eat it...

The OP DOES want to stay at home longer - she has expressed a desire to do so. She cannot as she is the primary breadwinner. How hard is this for people to understand?

the OP has had a baby with her DH on the AGREEMENT that he as the lower earner will share part of the parental leave so that OP does not send baby to nursery too early (which she is entitled to have a preference about). Before the baby has even arrived, her DH - already a father of 2 - has changed his mind and suggested as an alternative that OP wfh full time AND take care of the baby full time.

And yet OP wants to have her cake and eat it?

It’s amazing how desperately some women will go on here to defend absolutely feckless men.

Hibiscrubbed · 01/10/2023 13:41

It’s amazing how desperately some women will go on here to defend absolutely feckless men

It’s becoming more and more prevalent in here. I’m not sure if it’s a rise of the handmaidens, or stealth men posting.

sunshinemode · 01/10/2023 13:41

Would a nanny work for you? You’d get to spend some time with baby during the day when you are home and you both get to carry on with your jobs.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2023 14:14

Oh op, I'm so sad for you that you couldn't see this absolute dickhead for the lazy misogynistic twat that he is, from the beginning.
The op seems to have disappeared, so for others reading who may find themselves in a similar situation - here are some of the, blindingly obvious im afraid, clues that this man is no good.

  1. My ex had 5 years off with the children'
Please understand this means - this man did absolutely none of the hard work raising his children, and thus has absolutely no idea or respect for how hard it is.
  1. 'Income is individual until you earn more and then we can have a joint account' I have no idea how you didn't spot he was a dickhead after that.
  1. 'I have 2, aboit to be 3, children I need to provide financially for but instead I'm going to coast along in this easy job at work.' Again, how you didn't spot the clues here that this is a lazy, selfish man, I don't know.
  1. 'Housework is your job' . Surely, surely this is obviously only something a disrespectful, sexist, lazy would expect.

Any one of those 4 enormous red flags should have had you running for the hills years ago op.

MargotBamborough · 01/10/2023 14:27

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 12:47

Who is going to pay for this childcare?

Surely their household income from working... which is how most working couples pay for their childcare?

Not their income. Her income. Because he is in his overdraft every month and has no interest in earning more money than he currently does.

Janicchoplin · 01/10/2023 14:47

Wow and from a women. You need to read her posts without that huge chip on your shoulder seriously. She did not say her job was better than his! She said his job wouldn't cover the costs! Way to boost another women.

Janicchoplin · 01/10/2023 14:48

I just answered one. It's like they don't read the whole story just jump on and give grief

Milliemoo6 · 01/10/2023 15:52

I'm not sure, maybe their next door neighbour?

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 15:53

Erm... the OP literally says this:

hate the idea of putting my tiny baby in childcare and loved the thought of OH being at home with baby and me getting to spend time with them both between working. It seemed like the best of both worlds.

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 15:56

Not their income. Her income. Because he is in his overdraft every month and has no interest in earning more money than he currently does.

Urgh. I earn significantly more than my husband but would never dream of using that against him. It's household income. If my husband earned more than me, I wouldn't want to be belittled for it, or be made to feel like my job was unimportant. Like the OP, I am the primary breadwinner. I went back to work and my husband didn't want to give up his job. So we put our kids in nursery... which the OP can also do, if neither of them are willing to give up work to look after the child.

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 16:00

the OP has had a baby with her DH on the AGREEMENT that he as the lower earner will share part of the parental leave so that OP does not send baby to nursery too early (which she is entitled to have a preference about).

But he is also entitled to change his mind about looking after their child. I did. My mother did too, one I was born (the opposite way round- she was supposed to stay at work but decided to be a SAHM). My husband understood. So did my dad, with my mother. What you THINK will suit doesn't always. Some of my friends had planned to have two children, but changed their mind on that AGREEMENT too. People can and do change their minds. It's not a crime.

surreygirl1987 · 01/10/2023 16:05

She cannot as she is the primary breadwinner.

She can if that's what she really wants - she'd just have to get used to a much lower household income and adjust her lifestyle accordingly (maybe even downsize). It depends on how much she wants it.

I chose to work full time even though childcare cost MORE than I earned (it was over £3k a month total for my sons). It was a sacrifice I made for the best thing for our family. Others would say they 'couldn't afford it'. Not ideal of course, but not literally impossible - just had to change our lifestyle a great deal for a few years.

stealthbanana · 01/10/2023 16:06

Yes but @surreygirl1987 you changed your mind having tried it. Her dh hasn’t even tried - the baby isn’t even here yet! Nor has he involved himself in finding a viable alternative - he’s suggested the OP takes on 100% of the burden of childcare AND the breadwinning. And she’s doing 100% of the household chores too. OP doesn’t have the luxury of changing her mind on anything, she’s not part of a team right now.

Why are you so invested in defending this layabout?