To expect OH to put my job first ?

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Bit of back story, husband has been in his job 23 years, hasn’t really moved up that much and is still in junior management - has had opportunities to progress but has always said he doesn’t want them. He earns around 38k. I was a career changer and in 3 years have gone from earning 20k to 80k. I work in a fast paced industry ( tech ) and whilst I do wfh and have reasonable flexibility, I take my job very seriously and I absolutely love it. Currently we split things as equally as possible however I still pay around £500 more than OH each month ( I buy all food and pay a couple of extra bills ) ( I also do the bulk of the housework, shopping and cooking but that’s for another post ) I am currently expecting and previously we discussed OH taking some time off to look after baby so I could return to work after about 3 months and the plan was he’d be around and I’d do as much flexi working as I could ( possibly going down to a 4 day week or working some of my hours in the evenings) OH has now said he doesn’t want to do that and seems to think it’s perfectly feasible for me to wfh and take care of the baby. The fact is he doesn’t earn enough to cover all our bills but I do so AIBU expecting him to step up and either be home and care for the baby or earn more so I can stay home and do it myself ?

You absolutely cannot work at home with a baby especially with what sounds like a serious job. I work at home half day with my baby and I literally cannot do it. She’s 2 now and doesn’t nap. I work at night when she’s in bed and the night prior to get my hours in. It would be easier to go to work 🙄

No because they can't live off his salary

Exactly.

He sounds fucking pointless, a liar and a taker.

Where is all his money going?

Also; this post reads as though you see him
As a bit of a loser. Fair enough. Not sure why you are with this guy! I know you're pregnant but think carefully xx

No it doesn't, because it's shared parental leave not giving up his job altogether.

He just sounds like a freeloading twat.

Did you miss the bit where he expects the OP to earn all the money and look after the baby AT THE SAME TIME

So, in summary:

1. When you get down to the nitty gritty, you’re paying substantially more than your percentage if it was calculated like that;
2. He insisted 50/50 when you earned less;
3. You do all the chores and domestic labour
4. When the baby comes he wants this to continue and you do 100% of childcare at the same time as working full time What a grade a cunt you have there. I think you’re probably minutes away from figuring out why his first marriage ended. thank your lucky stars he didn’t agree to do childcare so he could position himself as primary parent in the event of a split and custody battle, and then dump this absolute loser. You are worth a million times more.

What to do?

1. Stop subbing him. His entire wages go into joint account while you are on mat leave. Post mat leave review it and ask for 50/50 as a start point (to highlight that you are expect to pay for lifestyle, raise his child and keep his home while he contributes a token amount pm)
2. Work out how long you can afford to take off using savings and him stepping up financially (finally!)
3. Find paid childcare and Go back to work full time.
4. Get and stay on great contraception.
5. Look at how you can separate/divorce.

As another poster rightly pointed out in 15 years he will walk away with a high % of the assets from the house you paid for and half your pension. Get out of your short marriage now.

Sorry to be this blunt but he is SO SO far from reasonable I don't know how you can resolve this any other way. He is a total taker and user.

Exactly this. What is even the point of this man?

Apologies if this has already been said but haven't read through all the replies - I'm saying this from a position of understanding because I did, in fact, WFH and raise my kiddos - because I was self employed and had the crazy idea that it would be easy to do both! But it was a horrendous, trying to juggle work commitments, then having to stop half way through because a baby was fussing when I'd expected them to be asleep or whatever, then having to make up time for the work after the kids had gone to bed, I was literally up in the early hours cleaning dishes and putting on washes because, despite being completely knackered it HAD to be done. Day after day for months until I nearly cracked - and I had a really helpful and understanding DH so we eventually managed to figure out different ways to get things done, reduce my work load and so on - I would NOT recommend trying this as self employed as there were times when I felt I was being neither a good worker OR a good mother! If you try it in a contracted job you are looking to get fired! - most employers will turn a blind eye to the odd day where the kiddo needs to be home in an emergency and let you get away with combining the 2, but please disabuse your hubby of the notion that its okay to WFH AND look after your child at the same time - its likely a breach of contract, WILL affect your work quality and quantity (I mean, how can it NOT?) and if you try it anyway it WILL affect your mental health. Having said all that, I think the bigger issue here is that you're both not on the same page - and you need to be and he needs to understand just what he's risking by having the attitude he has - feel free to tell him to ring me and I'll happily tell him just how unsuccessful and destructive his current plan is for you, him, your baby and your relationship

He sounds sh*t, you’ve had some great advice above…get out now while you can! Hire some help for the baby: he clearly won’t be any help 😥

I think some men are just set in their gender roles and it comes to a head with stay at home parenting and work. I reckon he will feel like he is losing face if he becomes a stay a home parent, like he’s losing his identity. I think it’s pathetic considering you earn 2x his salary, but that’s probably his (unreasonable) thought process

Stbxh tells people this, very vehemently, I stopped him being an involved Dad, got all this time to bond, he wants more time and so on. In reality he did the minimum he could get away with and wants to blame me because he doesn't have a close relationship with the kids.

Actions speak louder than words and your OH is telling you he didn't mean what he said. His actions are also telling you he expects you to deal with child care, that you have to do the majority of housework and that no matter how little you earn he always expects you to cover 50% of everything. Then pay way more when be you out earn him. I expect like a friend's husband he'll tell you child care comes out of your wage only because you decided you needed to pay for it instead of following his plan for you WFH while doing childcare.

It's shit he's dumped this on you once pregnant instead of being honest with you from the start. Unfortunately this is where you are now and all you can do is deal with the reality you have. It's really not a good sign of his abilities as a parent or a partner if he thinks you can WFH while caring for a baby. He might have had two precious children but he obviously has no idea about babies or little kids full stop. You could WFH with a nanny to care for baby till you feel comfortable with child care. He can lose his extras you pay for, after all based on his treatment of you when you were the lower earner, HE should still be paying 50% of everything.

Nope. I stayed at home for 14 months and was gagging to get back to work. I have one. She is loved, she's the best person in the world. But I also change the world at work and value that. Don't tell women how they will feel.

Lots of good advice above about how your husband really needs to step up massively domestically regardless of who ends up caring for the baby in your working hours after the first 3 months. If he cant/won't then get ready to do this alone as he is a dead weight to you and the resentment will destroy any feelings you have for him. Having a baby (incredible as they are) is such a massive physical and emotional shock and a ludicrously enormous amount of work that it's impossible to really take it in until you have one. Hence it being such a red flag that your husband, a father of two, is choosing not to factor this in to his view of his ex wife or his expectation that you can care for a baby and work.
I'd try to plan to extend you mat leave to at least 6m if you possibly can by saving hard now. You'll find a way to make it back into your job and there is statutory protection for you during mat leave as an employee. You may feel indispensable but your employer will have to find alternative skilled cover - as a career minded professional you can help with this by preparing an excellent handover and being available on may leave for occasional advice (not on call/standby and to be withdrawn if they try to abuse this) and by using KIT days strategically to prepare yourself to be back on form work wise asap when you go back.
Any suggestion of a nanny long term on your salary is difficult - could be done short term maybe on savings or by getting into debt - but those suggesting it as a long term solution are not appreciating that you pay their gross salary from your net salary. I did this for 2 years to get through a very specific difficult period career wise with 3 kids under 4 but we had to live fairly cheaply off one income and it took the equivalent of the entirety of my £60k salary at the time, and the nanny was not a qualified trained nanny as this would have been much more. I was fortunate to be able to take slightly over a year with my younger two (twins) so they were toddling and weaned by this point so a kind, patient, warm, reliable, trusted person was more important than anything else by then, but under a year you really need trained carers for a baby. An au pair/mother's help is a good idea to consider for when you are back at work if you can find one post Brexit and can afford one, especially as your husband doesn't seem likely to be doing his domestic share in which case you will be drowning in exhaustion during the first couple of years. But they are not suitable for sole care of a baby or more than 20-25 max hours per week.
Nursery is much less expensive than a nanny (still brutally expensive!) but a childminder might be a better option if your baby needs paid for care outside if the home under a year.
The bottom line is the first few years before any government funded hours kick in is brutally expensive which ever way you cut it (unless one partner willingly and with love stays home with all the sacrifices that entails). However it is SO worth the investment to keep your career and earning potential going and with good quality paid for care in working hours your baby will thrive regardless. They'll still be spending over 3/4 if the week with you. Don't let anyone put you down for your ambition and drive to earn well and progress your career, especially if your husband is not a true partner as would seem to be the case here.

Or just don't have a baby that neither parent seems to want to look after?

@Emziecy I think that is pretty savage and uncalled for. OP clearly wants to have the baby and love it and care for it. She also wants a career - are you really saying in 2023 this is not an aspiration a woman should be allowed to have?! Especially if her husband is not going to step up - even more important she maintains self sufficiency for the sake of her baby. There is more than one right way to do motherhood.

@playingdevilsavocado In France maternity leave is 16 weeks long and the standard is 6 weeks before the birth and 10 weeks after. Crèches accept babies from 10 weeks onwards. I've just gone back to work after 8 months and that is considered a long maternity leave here. Some women on Mumsnet are living on another planet.

Sounds like they don't want mothers to work.

Sadly op having read your updates I suspect the relationship won't last. The fact he resentful of his ex whilst she caring for his children... history repeating itself. I start to plan now but putting any extra money away. No meals out save and get a buffer so you can have some time with baby. X

Not sure about that. I think it's more a case of some people feeling the need to put down other people's choices because they aren't confident in their own. Or because they didn't really have a choice. There are plenty of women in the UK who can't really afford to go back to work because childcare is too expensive, they had several children close together and the cost of childcare massively outweighs what they could earn so they have to stay at home. Women who completely destroy their careers doing this because after 5-10 years out they can't get back in. Some of them are in a financially precarious position because they aren't married. Some have children who are on the point of leaving home and they don't know what the hell to do with themselves now. And I think it makes some of them feel better to believe that women who take short maternity leaves and then go back to work don't love their children and don't really want to be parents, and that the children will be miserable, because if that's not the case then why did they make all those sacrifices?

Oh OP. I feel for you. You've clearly got a very obvious example of a lazy cocklodger for your husband.

You've got to get this sorted before baby arrives or you'll end up burnt out, and paying him maintenance to see your child less when you divorce him.

You need to make it patently clear that you no longer will be doing all the housework.

Childcare however, just put your baby in nursery. Honestly it's fine. We did from 6 months and she's turned out fine, and it gave us a well needed break. My DH also intended to take 3 months off paternity leave but work changes kyboshed it, and she just went to nursery a little earlier.

Good luck OP. If you don't sort this now, you'll be paying for it later. You've got this.

Simple you find a nanny to work in your home and both ther wages 50/50 seem hexwent back on his agreement to mind the kids. You will have to make some financial sacrifices to be able to afford a nanny but on a 120k combined salary it should be feasible

Don’t be a dick. OP has clearly stated she’d love to take longer leave, but can’t. She’d love her partner to care for the baby, but he won’t. Her going to work to pay for the roof over the baby’s head, the gas and electricity to heat the baby’s home and bath water, the food and clothes and toys and milk and nappies to keep the baby fed, warm, clean, happy – that IS looking after the baby.

I think it's more a case of some people feeling the need to put down other people's choices because they aren't confident in their own.

I'm talking about a statutory 16 week maternity leave allowance, ie that's all that's allowed legally. Perhaps I misunderstood but if I didn't, then that definitely sounds like a national culture/government that doesn't want mothers working.

America is the same, worse even.

When people's salaries take off, it often means their professional life starts to dominate their family life.

Your Husband doesn't prioritise work. He thinks other things are more important. You don't agree and the imminent arrival of a child has brought that difference into sharp focus.